Happy Birthday, Jesus

I really think I am addicted to this computer (Her name is Charlotte). Sometimes I will wake up thinking of checking my email. I have learned to just do it or else I don't get back to sleep. My typical process: Open laptop if it isn't already. It never really shuts down. At home, the screen saver is on but the laptop doesn't shut down. Otherwise, I have it set to go on stand by when I close the lid. Okay, so boot laptop. Click Outlook icon (you do that first because it takes longer to load). Click Firefox icon (Home page: Yahoo). Click Firefox icon again (because I am impatient). BTW, both icons are on my main taskbar. Check Yahoo mail. Check Outlook mail (you don't want to know how many email addresses I have). Check out Yahoo groups. Check the new daily quote on my blog. Check StatCounter for who has visited my blog. Click on Kim's blog to see what she has written. Click on MySpace link from my blog. See if I have new messages, comments, friend requests, etc. Check to see if friends have posted new blog entries. Check UNCC webmail. Check Ameritrade portfolio. Check bank account. Check any eBay pending items. See if anyone interesting is on Yahoo IM. See if there is any other means of interacting with the world. Write a new blog entry.

Woot was selling a bag of crap as their deal of the day. Alas, all the crap is already sold out.

Merry Christmas!

Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind. And love your neighbor as yourself. Amen!

Agape,
Pam

I hate Sprint

My phone keeps dropping calls. Argh.

Five Golden Rings

Well, it is 3 days until Christmas. I hope everyone has a great day. It is the time of year to remember to love God and love each other, to spend time with family and friends. I feel guilty that Ra and Scuro are going to be home alone for Christmas.

I just cleaned out Thanksgiving dinner from the refrigerator. Don't ask. In a few days, it would have walked out by itself. Now I have to figure out how to take out the garbage. I vaguely remember the mention of a garbage shoot, but to be safe, I will probably just take it down to the garage.

I had horrible nightmares again last night. I wish for once I would have a good dream instead of a nightmare. I guess my mind just focuses on the things that bother me when I am asleep. I remember it did that ever since I was a little kid. I would sleep on top of my mom and tell her to not let me fall asleep. I hated nightmares. I would wake up mad at her for letting me fall asleep. I was a weird kid.

I am signed in to work . . . the marvels of technology. I have a research article I need to work on this week. It isn't very easy to get stuff done in unfamiliar surroundings. As it is, I have a box on the floor under the desk because my feet would otherwise dangle.

I bought an international version of my textbook for financial management on-line. Hopefully it will not be that different than the US version. I need to revise my syllabus and lecture slides for the upcoming semester. It is good that I am teaching the same class so I don't have to put together all new materials.

I need to go shoe shopping soon. Now that we are in the new building at work, we have to come into the office more often and can't dress casual anymore. I don't have any proper work shoes. I only have open-toed shoes so I look I am going dancing instead of to work. I have lots of things to catch up on as I bring in the new year.

Headache

I took a nap because I had a headache, but I just woke up and still have a headache! I am kinda groggy now. I am sitting on Mark's couch, and he will be home in a few minutes. I talked to Mrs. Burroughs, Lisa, and Ryan today. Ryan really liked his Christmas gift. Kim and I chipped in to get him a membership to some on-line game called Runescape.

Reviewing 2006

March - Hung out with friends for St. Patty's Day

April - Cookout with friends

May - Chimney Rock Park with Gene

May - Melting Pot with the Girls

June - Camping at Lake James

July 4th - with Mom and Watson

July - Tom Jones in LA

July - My first poker game

August - Aquarium in Atlanta with Mark

August - STARS Conference in Atlanta (notice the geeky shirt)

October - Universal Studios

October - Halloween party at Kirk's

November - Catching up with friends at Olive Garden

November - Getting a massage in LA

2006 Resolutions

I happened to look back at my 2006 New Year's resolutions:

• Save $3,000 toward retirement - $2,100 so far. I have until March for this year's contributions.
  
• Get back down to 125 pounds - NOPE
  
• Get cholesterol under 200 - I don't know.
  
• Attend church at least once a month - Mostly good
  
• Attend at least one women’s retreat or Christian-based workshop - NOPE
  
• Donate at least 20 hours of service toward volunteer activities - DONE
  
• Compliment someone every day - Sometimes
  
• Apply for at least 2 scholarships - NOPE
  
• Take lessons for a new hobby - NOPE
  
• Get eyes examined - DONE
  
• Go camping in the mountains - DONE
  
• Take a weekend trip/fly out of town -DONE, too often!
  
• Have deck painted/stained - DONE
  
• Go to the gym at least 4 times a month - NOPE
  
• Paint the rest of the house - Some done

Okay, I didn't do that badly. I have to start thinking of what my resolutions will be this coming year.

Dear Santa

Here is my Amazon Wish List . . . I have been a good girl this year.

The Reindeer are Coming!!

I was just thinking yesterday how I never saw any deer in my back yard by the pond. I just saw 4 deer run by!!! That was so cool!!

Rambling

I miss my close friends. I miss Kenny and Ann. I miss my friends from high school. I miss the people who always have time for me that I don't always make the time for them. Joel owes me a hike to some waterfalls. Maybe I should take him up on that soon.

I went to the Melting Pot and to see The Pursuit of Happyness with my friend David from work last night. I thought it was a good movie. And I always love the Melting Pot. I was going to go to a chocolate dipping party with Matt and Amy, but Matt and I never seem to coordinate well. I have pound cake in the fridge now. Maybe I will just make some chocolate fondue at home. Need strawberries.

Unlike most people who fear change, I guess I am the opposite in some ways. I fear stagnation. I fear things remaining the same. I fear this being as good as it gets.

On My Own

Today was pretty stressful. I got tons of bills. I have to pay $300 for vaccinations and $600 (already paid $300) for the colinoscopy I got a few months ago. I recently wasted over $1000 on unused plane tickets. Christmas is always an expensive time of the year. The upside is that I am almost done with my Christmas shopping.

Mom sent me a bunch of pictures from when I was a kid. It was really neat. I didn't know she had so many pictures. A lot of them are duplicates. It is kinda weird because if you judged my life just based on pictures from the past, you would think I had an awesome Childhood where every other day was Christmas. I guess people don't take pictures of the sad times they don't want to remember.

Anyway, Jim came over and fixed my drains today. Hopefully my carpet will dry out and there will be no further signs of the leak. I can't afford to spend a lot to fix a major plumbing problem right now.

A Girl and Her Cats

Click on the Image to Enlarge

A Calico by My Side

I worked from home this morning because I thought I was getting sick; however, I think it turned out to just be allergies. So I went into work just in time to get a free lunch in the War Room. I worked late for me as we are working on launching a new program. I enjoy the people I work with and what I do. I enjoy it more when I am not split between work and school. I know my PhD is the priority, but I still enjoy solving business problems at work. I like that I know what I am doing most of the time. When you are working on your PhD, you are always learning something you don't know. You don't do anything you have perfected and can repeat. It is always about making a new contribution instead of just doing something you have learned well. I don't know if that really makes sense to you guys or not.

I like teaching. I like showing people at work how something is designed. I like going to class and interacting with my students. I think that is when I am least stressed out because I feel like I am ultimately helping someone . . . maybe not everyone, but some at least.

It is funny how we are all so worried about IT Business Value in our area, but sometimes I feel like we are missing the real impact . . . life impacts, helping people, making the world a better place instead of businesses more profitable. For instance, I think IS researchers should make it a priority to use their expertise to find solutions to child pornography or sexual predators on-line. We have the knowledge of the technology mechanisms that might be able to help solve the problems that other disciplines may not have.

Okay, that was me on my soap box.

I am still behind on my Christmas shopping. I have gotten Kim, Tony, Mom, and Watson their gifts. I still have to shop for Lisa's family and some others. Argh. Maybe I will get that done tomorrow evening. I need to get the laundry out of the dryer now before I forget. I washed some sheets, so there are probably wet, balled up clothes folded in them. I am not the best laundry-doer in the world.

Sing Song

I am a sleepy head, sleepy head, sleepy sleepy. If I were a Scuro, I would be napping. La, la, la. I wish I weren't a sleepy head, but I could be in bed. Da, da, datata.

More Studying

Devaraj and Kohli 2003

Studied a DSS in use at hospitals. Findings:

Report Usage is positively associated with Patient Revenue/Day & Admission
Report Usage is negatively associated with Mortality
Disk I/O is positively associated with Patient Revenue/Day & Admission
Disk I/O is negatively associated with Mortality
CPU Time is positively associated with Patient Revenue/Day & Admission
CPU Time is NOT negatively associated with Mortality

Wixom and Watson 2001

Net Benefits
-Data Quality
-System Quality
--Organizational Implementation Success
---Top Management Support
---Resources
---User Participation
--Project Implementation Sucess
---User Participation
---Team Skills

Technical Implementation Success (not associated with data or system quality)
--Source System
--Development Technology

Oh Bother

Okay, my coffee house study idea didn't work too well. I did get my caramel apple cider and lemon poppyseed for free since their credit card machine wasn't working, however. The problem was that people kept coming into the coffee shop to TALK instead of study. It was soo freaking loud. So, anyway, I am back at home studying where I know the wi-fi is free and the only talking I hear is an occassional cat's meow. Home sweet home.

I am already tired of studying. This is what I have learned so far:

Melville 2004
Model of IT Business Value

FOCAL FIRM
IT Resources
Technology Resources
Human Resources
Complementary Organizational Resources
=====>
Business Processes
=====>
Business Process Improvement
=====>
Organizational Performance

Subject to:
COMPETITIVE FORCES
Industry Characteristics
Trading partners
MACRO ENVIRONMENT
Country Characteristics

DeLone and McLean 1992
There are too many DV's in IS Research

IS SUCCESS MODEL
1) System Quality
2) Information Quality
=====>
3) System Use
4) User Satisfaction
=====>
5) Individual Impacts
6) Organizational Impacts

Kohli and Devaraj 2003
Factors Affecting IT Payoff
1) Industry
2) Data source - primary or secondary
3) Data analysis - regression or correlation (not supported)
4) Time frame - longitudinal or cross sectional (not supported)
5) Sample size
6) Mediating Variables
IT Investments => IT Assets => IT Impacts => IT Payoffs
7) Dependent variables - productivity or financial based

Next, I am on to Devaraj and Kohli 2003 and am going to see how IT Usage is the missing link between IT investments and IT Payoff. Fun, fun.

Good Things about My Boyfriend

1) He doesn't mind that I like making lists.
2) He is handsome. Everyone always thinks he looks like a movie star.
3) He is emotional and loving.
4) He is difficult which makes me seem less difficult.
5) I like when he sings and plays his guitar for me.
6) He is good at ordering out food.
7) He has a good vocabulary.
8) We can act silly together.
9) He likes to take naps with me.
10) He lets me sleep on the right side of the bed.
11) He is smart.
12) He worries about me.
13) He likes animals.
14) He will do new things with me like go volunteering.
15) He doesn't mind PDA in public.

I love you Mark!

Information Overload

My blog is contributing to the wonderful world of information overload for which I am currently reviewing literature. Hopefully my department likes this paper. I like it the best out of all the stuff I have done here so far, so here's hoping we might have a dissertation topic. Oh yeah, I am back from Milwaukee.

My mom said that it went down to 15 degrees here in Charlotte while I was gone. That's pretty crazy. It was lower than that in Milwaukee, and there was snow on the ground. But this is Charlotte; it shouldn't be that cold.

They gave me a pen with a USB drive and a laser pointer at the conference. I like getting free stuff.

Limited Internet Time

My Internet is going to be shut off in about an hour by the hotel. I am done with the conference. I met some really nice people. My presentation went okay - not great, but good enough. I felt younger than most people there. Overall, it was interesting - my first conference as a PhD student. I really need to finish some papers and get something published.

Regency Hyatt Milwaukee

The airports were crazy today. I almost didn't make it here. There was snow on the ground in both Cleveland and Milwaukee. How do people live like this? I have to work on my presentation and get some sleep. I have to wake up at 6:30 AM.

In an Hour

I am flying out in an hour. Here is a picture of me in case my plane crashes. I have printed out everything I think I need. I have a headache. I feel tired, but at this point it is probably due to too much sleep. I hope they have a cheap restaurant in the hotel because I will be hungry by the tme I get there. I have a lay over in Cleveland, Ohio. On Sunday, I leave Milkwaukee at 12:30 PM and get back around 6 PM. I am going to leave Pearl at the airport since it is going to be a relatively short trip. Chris is going to watch the cats.

Milwaukee

I have to pack for Milwaukee today. I leave around 6 PM. I haven't checked the weather yet, but I am thinking it is going to be cold. Hopefully there won't be any flight problems. The cats and I are still in bed. Sleep still consumes the majority of my life. I did have my doctor check my thyroid to see if that might be contributing to my lethargy. I am probably just depressed. I forgot to ask her to check my blood sugar while she was at it. My mom and most of her brothers and sisters became Diabetic with age. Kim and Lisa are still okay, but we all check occassionally to make sure.

So list for today:

-Get out of bed
-Take a shower
-Pest control is coming
-Do laundry
-Pack for Milwaukee
-Prepare for presentation
-Study for finals

Blind Leading the Kettle

I found a pie chart of what a healthy work-life balance should look like, and I compared it to my approximation of last week, and I am not doing very well. Even with the skewed leisure for spending Saturday in Greensboro, I still need a lot of help.

In general, I like spending quality time with people. However, a lot of times people like doing things I don't really enjoy. I would rather be writing a paper than going to a smoky bar to watch everyone else drink. I enjoy getting things accomplished, but I don't enjoy working in and of itself. Specifically, I want to spend more time helping people. I want to spend more time focused on my relationship, friends, family, and spirituality. I definitely want to add more fitness and less sleep into my life.

Cancelled

I am presenting at my first conference on Saturday in Milwaukee. I am nervous, but I am hoping it will be a good experience. The semester is almost over. I have one more semester of course work to go. Here is my Spring schedule:

Monday: Class 6:30 PM – 9:30 PM
Tuesday: Work 9 AM – 5:30 PM
Wednesday: Office Hours 11 AM – 3 PM, Class 3:30 PM – 5:45 PM, Teach 6:30 PM – 9:30 PM
Thursday: Work 9 AM – 5:30 PM
Friday: Work 9 AM – 1 PM, Class 2 PM – 4 PM

Overall, it shouldn't be as bad as this semester because it isn't my first time teaching my class. However, the pressure to publish papers is getting higher. Who needs a PhD? Really, I just want to have babies. Don't tell my professors.

Competitive Advantage

Cats have one sustainable compeitive advantage over dogs. They purr. I woke up around 4 AM, and I had two passed out cats on my bed. I cuddled with the orange one, and I began to hear what sounded like a sputtering engine trying to start on a cold morning. Then I cuddled with the calico, and I hear a warm, rich melodic purr. I nuzzled my face into their furr and just thanked God for such wonderful cats. I don't know if there are any cats that get as many kisses as these two.

I just found this funny site: http://www.mycathatesyou.com/

Job

This is my teddy bear Job. He is an awesome teddy bear, and the cats and I sleep with him most nights. Notice he has a club right foot. I believe, I bought him at Albertsons. When he isn't cuddling with me, I often use him as a mashing shield to ward of advances from Scuro when I am trying to sleep. You are never too old for a good teddy bear.

December

Charlotte has taught me a lot about myself. I thought moving away and being completely on my own was going to be hard. I think it would have been harder if I had stayed in Florida. I still have weaknesses and things I need to overcome, but I have been able to get to a healthy place not to beat myself up over it. I have also learned more about other people and their weaknesses. I have been truest to myself in the past two years.

The semester is wrapping up. I have one more huge paper to write before it is all over. I am going to tackle the majority of that tomorrow.

On a side note, I was really happy to see my friend Muhammed resurface recently. He was one of my closest friends in Charlotte for a while, but life dragged us in our respective ways. I always welcome those who disappear back into my life. There is no use in getting mad at them for their absence. Just love them when they come back. We all sometimes fall of the radar, and it is hard if that means we can never go back.

Sniffle

I think I am getting sick. In the scheme of things, this is a horrible time for me to get sick. However, it has been quite a few months since I have had a cold or anything, so I guess maybe I am due. I am stressed about papers that need to get graded, others that need to get written, work that has to be done, and conferences that must be prepared for. I have two weeks to make or break this semester.

My mom's boyfriend Watson bought me a Gators santa hat. She sent it in the mail, and I opened it today. It is pretty funny really since I am not into Santa or the Gators very much. I thought it was a sweet gesture though. I am glad my mom found someone who loves her and isn't bad to her.

I need to give my sister Lisa a call back. I have been busy this weekend, and I know she called. Maybe I will give her a call after work tomorrow. Since we are launching this new application at work, I need to be in the office the next two days. Randy and Jay called me with some questions about installs this weekend. I feel badly because I don't have enough time to devote to work as I feel is required to do my best job. However, they have been great at understanding my limitations.

I only accomplished 1 1/2 of the things I listed on my weekend to do list. I emailed one professor that I will turn in my critical review tomorrow night. He said we should turn it in by Monday. I am trying to pamper myself today in hopes of getting better instead of sicker. I have half of the group projects graded for my class. I need to get the rest graded so I can post the grades to motivate my students to study for their finals. The research paper that is due this semester will be my most pressing issue. I just need the time to read and synthesize the research I have done and get something on paper. I am done with my stats class, but grades haven't been posted yet.

I guess the overall tone of this post is stressed. However, I am really thankful right now. I have the opportunity to obtain my PhD. I have a great job. I have two cats who cuddle with me even when I am sick. I have great friends. I have an awesome roommate. I love teaching. I was accepted to present at this conference. I have friends who want to spend time with me. I have more opportunities then most people. Charlotte has been good to me. Thank you God!

Alone on Friday Night

Well, not completely. Scuro just jumped up on the couch with me. I don't watch too much TV, but According to Jim is on. There are too many shows like King of Queens, Everybody Loves Raymond, etc. where there are bad husbands and wives who put up with them. And it is supposed to be comical. I think it is sad really. Television sucks. It is annoying really . . . are people really that stupid?

I am tired. I just want to sleep and just sleep and sleep.

Here is my to do list this weekend:
-Research paper
-Critical review paper
-Grade group projects
-Make conference presentation

Selfish?

You Are 37% Selfish

In general, you are a very giving person who treats others very well. But at times, you insist on getting your way - when it matters most to you.

How Selfish Are You?

Life Changes

Everyday, life changes. It is funny how so many people are opposed to change without realizing change happens all the time. So, by being adamant against change, change happens without their cognitive awareness. Why not embrace change so that you can be an agent of the change instead of just a victim?

My doctor told me I gained 7 pounds this year. I know I gained more than that last year. I need to go on a diet. Sigh.

I am sniffly today. I can't get sick right now. I have too much to get done. I am going to try to go to bed early tonight and actually get some sleep.

I Put on Jeans Today

The last few days, I have been working from home. On Monday, I actually worked from bed the whole day. However, I got quite a bit done. Today, I ventured out in the world and actually put on some real jeans. I met my friend Bennet for dinner at Olive Garden.

It is 11 PM, and I am about to go to bed. I have office hours in the morning, and I have the feeling I am going to have a lot of frantic students coming by to talk to me about their final projects. Maybe I should just have them writemy research paper for me, and they will stop complaining . . .

I always end up doing Christmas shopping at the last minute because the semester ends mid-December. I love being able to buy and ship everything on-line. That is my only saving grace. Shoot, I can't wait until it is acceptable to send thank you e-mails instead of notes. I still have to send my Auntie Es and Uncle Herb a thank you for my birthday gift.

I am a bit grumpy right now. My last conversation with Mark didn't go that great. We are both so darn temperamental. Huh, I just found out temperamental had two a's in it.

I better get to bed. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I am in semester crunch time. G'night.

. . . Just my luck, Blogger is down for its 8 PM PST maintenance. Luckily it retained my post so I will have to post it again in a few minutes.

Three Hours Behind

I think I am still on California time. I am not asleep! I am sleepy, but I am not tired. Weird how that works. I am stressed with the end of the semester coming up. I should be doing more work. I am being pensive tonight instead.

It is amazing how much we can do . . . I mean, we all think that we don't have much to offer, but in reality others' needs are so basic that a simple smile toward a stranger could do wonders. Just because we isolate ourselves and tend to associate with like-minded and stationed individuals, sometimes we forget that we can do so much.

LAX to CLT

I made the trip back from Los Angeles to Charlotte today. It actually went by quicker than normal. Kirk picked me up from the airport with a date in tow. I was met at the front door by an anxious Scuro and Ra. Home.

Thanksgiving break was good. It was good to spend the week with Mark. We bought a partially baked turkey for Thanksgiving and finished it off with some green brean casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, and pumpkin pie. I love Cool Whip (no - that isn't innuendo).

So I have about 2-3 weeks to finish up the semester. I am going to be in a crunch to get everything done and put in the hours at work. I am going to get some sleep tonight and probably work a little late tomorrow night. Hopefully I can get back on Charlotte time pretty quickly.

I hear that tomorrow is Cyber Monday . . . not sure if that means exciting deals, but I will definitely check out some of the e-storefronts to see. I haven't done any Christmas shopping.

Anyhow, just wanted to return to the world of blogging. Hugs and good night.

131

I just took a tickle IQ test and scored 131. What does that mean? Very confusing.

My boyfriend is in a bad mood at work today. I am at his place listening to the freeway. I think I might eat a Reeses in a minute with a Diet Pepsi.

Goldilocks

I feel like Goldilocks. After I woke up this morning, I was trying to find a place in Mark's condo where I could get some work done. First, I tried the living room couch. I had a blanket with a book (called the Bachelor's Pad) with a place mat on top of it for my mouse pad. My feet were propped on the coffee table. They started to promptly fall asleep, and my mouse kept sliding off the makeshift pad. So then I set up in the office. This didn't work out because the desk is too high for me to type comfortably. Then I tried setting up on the kitchen couch (where normal people would have a breakfast nook, Mark has a couch). That didn't work because the table was too low. I got this huge body pillow to try to sit me up far enough to type. That didn't last very long. Finally, I have taken residence in the dining room (from the looks of it, has never been used). The chair is a bit uncomfortable, but at least the table is at an okay typing level. I hear the traffic roaring on the Interstate below me. Mark left the TV on for me since I would never be able to figure out how to turn it back on. Not quite home.

I did my statistics final project today. Hopefully it is something like my professor expects. Tomorrow, I need to continue on with my literature review. I need to print some stuff out tonight. Mark is going to hate me. I use at least a printer cartridge a month. I can't read all these PDFs on my computer; my eye sight is bad enough as it is.

I am going to shower before Mark gets home. I am in his pajama bottoms and a tank top. I have eaten pop tarts, popcorn, and reese's cups today.

Morning

I just finished the exam review for my class. They are going to be annoyed that I didn't post it on-line, but they are supposed to be in class so they will have to deal with it.

I just read this article from the Wired RSS I thought it was very true for a lot of people including myself. I thought it was cool someone actually admitted it. I don't think people research their ex's necessarily to get back together. I know for myself, sometimes it is just a way to deal with how someone who used to be your best friend is now a complete stranger. Plus, I am competitive and want to get married before all my ex's. ;-)

I am pretty easy to find on the Internet. My blog or my personal home page comes up at the top of the search engines as long as you use my last name. Yeah, I still haven't beaten out Pamela Anderson on the search engines yet. I am working on it.

Anyway, class starts in about an hour. I am tired. I plan to end class early because I am supposed to catch a plane at 4:20 PM. I haven't finished packing . . .

Double Argh

Something is wrong with me. My neck and ears feels warm like when something really bad has happened. My heart feels like it is beating too fast. I am antsy. My chest is tight, and it feels hard to breathe. I'm not sure why.

In general, today was okay. I worked some of my literature review on a topic that I don't find completely boring. I went to class from 2 PM - 8 PM. I made spaghetti for lunch and ate at Boston Market for dinner. I am listening to the country music radio station. The cats are laying on the bed. Nothing good or bad has happened today.

Still, this is how I feel.

Left Brained

It makes sense that I am mostly left brained because I am completely right sided. I read somewhere once that we are cross-wired like that. Is that true?

You Are 70% Left Brained, 30% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Rain

The house just shook with a thunder clap. I quickly began scanning the house in my mind for electronics plugged directly into power outlets. Ah, the joys of being a responsible adult. Part of me wants to just go sit under the willow tree in the rain. I bet it must be cold outside. I remember dancing naked in the rain once when I was younger. I can't say that I was ever young and carefree. But I have definitely been younger before.

I never really thought about where I would be when I was 27. I guess part of me thought I would be a mom or a soon-to-be mom.

I am trying to recall where I was on each of my past birthdays. It is kinda hard to do:

27 - Spent with Mark in Charlotte. Went to the Melting Pot.
26 - Spent with Joel in Charlotte. Went to Longhorn. (Went to the Melting Pot the next day)
25 - Spent with Sean, friends, and family in Clearwater. Went to the Melting Pot.
24 - Spent with Jim in Tampa. Went to Busch Gardens.
23 - ? Spent with family in Gainesville. Went to Melting Pot. ?
22 - Spent at St. Augustine beach alone. There was a thunderstorm.
21 - Spent in Gainesville with Ryan and family. I think we went to Hop's.

I can't remember very much anymore. My birthday and Valentine's Day are getting mixed up in my head. I like holidays and making sure to spend them with people you love and to make them as special as possible. I guess I count my birthday as my own personal holiday.

Marvin and I are going downstairs for the night. I will have to kick Ra and Scuro out of the office as well.

Ways to Get Happy

1) Get at least one paper published soon
2) Find a small group to attend for fellowship/Bible study
3) Go to church more often
4) Exercise
5) Save money for retirement
6) Find more fellowship money
7) Get skinny again
8) Shop for new clothes
9) Volunteer over the holidays
10) Catch up with close friends

All's Quiet . . .

Everything has been so freaking quiet today. No emails, no phone calls, no IMs. I am addicted to over communication, and I am hurting here! Where is everyone? Anyone remember about Pam?

For all I know, the world around me may have ended. I need to get out of the house and find some people to be around. Where have they all gone? I need a bigger house and then need to move all my friends in with me. The Pam Commune.

Along Came a Spider

I killed a spider in my office today. Is it a sin to kill bugs? Chris saw Susan and Kirk at Midtown last night. I was supposed to go, but I stayed home instead.

I am going to look weird at the airport this Friday. I am bringing two laptops along with my luggage. Work is a little frantic that I am going to be out next week. Seems like our work ebbs and flows . . . so I am going to bring my work laptop so I can log in if there is an emergency.

I want to do some volunteer activity for the holidays. I found some possibilities for when I am in LA, but I need to give some places a call. Seems like people tend to get into a more philanthropic mood during the holidays so they might not need anymore volunteers.

Oh yeah, today is Tony's birthday. I need to give him a call later today or tomorrow.

I know it sounds funny, but if I didn't have so much to do, I would get so much more done. I have all these ideas of things I can write and research, etc. However, it is hard to find the time to do them.

If only I didn't like to sleep so much.

Red Bull

I had caffeine too late tonight, and I am anxious anyways . . . so sleeping is hard right now. I need love and attention. I need exercise. Life is pulling me in so many directions lately. I guess I do that to myself. I have always put too much on my plate, and at some point, the plate shatters. Then I start all over with a new plate and things are good for a while because the new plate doesn't start as full . . . over time it seems to always fill up again. Sigh. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I have tried to make my MySpace page and my blog consistent. Instead, I should be reading about ambulance location and relocation models.

Fat Tuesday

I went downtown for a meeting with Wachovia today. Our department at UNCC is trying to see if there are good research opportunities within Wachovia for which we can help. After that, I went home and worked. Today was much more productive than yesterday. I found out that I got a bonus and a raise that I wasn't expecting. I had raviolis for lunch and another omelet for dinner. I had cheese dip and chips for a snack. My brokerage account went up $420.68. All of my mutual funds are positive earning but one. It went from negative 7% to negative 3% so that is an improvement at least.

Happy birthday Tony! My brother-in-law is going to be 34 tomorrow. (He is a year YOUNGER than my boyfriend.) I am getting old, but at least I can say they are still older than me!

I think I am going to try to visit my mom January 12-15 sometime. I have off from class that Monday for MLK Day.

Integrity

I have realized over the years that integrity is very important to me when forming trust relationship. Not only do I respect people who are true to their promises, I value those who make promises. Sometimes people get around breaking promises by never making any. That doesn't build trust. That would be like the absence of trust. On the other hand, there are people who say they are going to do something and don't. That is like negative trust. So to obtain trust, you have to both make promises and keep them

I am just getting with the blogging world and found that some other websites have blogger templates. I am going to check them out.

Google Blogger

Looks like Google bought blogger. I have officially converted. Not exactly sure what that means though. I am sleepy. I spent the whole day trying to track down this stupid issue at work. I hate VB6, Crystal, and Dlls. Argh.

I made mushroom, asparagus, and goat cheese omelets for dinner tonight. I had something similar for brunch in LA, so I decided to see if I could replicate it. It came out pretty good.

I am trying to make one of those nifty slide shows everyone has these days, but I don't have the patience to sit and wait for the photos to upload. It takes freaking forever. I keep losing all my work. I give up.

The next few weeks are going to be extremely busy for me as the semester wraps up. I am not looking forward to it. I have figured out my schedule for the Spring:

Monday: 6-9:30 PM Class
Tuesday: 9-5 PM Work
Wednesday: 3:30-6 PM Class, 6-9:30 PM Teach
Thursday: 9-5 PM Work
Friday: 9-1 PM Work, 2-4:30 PM Class

So, it looks like I won't be getting much published next semester either. I know it doesn't look like that many hours, but you have to include taking care of the house, studying, traveling to CA, and everything else I have going on. It gets to be quite a lot. I am stressed.

I love my boyfriend!

I finally got to see Mark! I was all excited to see him that I woke up early and was listening for his key in the door. It feels so good when I get to hold him. I can't wait until that can be a daily thing.

Tonight's Prayer

God, please help me. I am feeling anxious and confused. I am so many things going on and so many unanswered questions. Please guide my actions and my thoughts to be productive and to glorify You. I am tired and antsy all at the same time. Life is hard. I see so many people hurting and not as many people who are happy. This scares me, and it makes me question what exactly Your plan for us really is. Truthfully, I am scared and lost most of the time. Is it just me? Please carry me. Please be my Father. Please protect me. I feel selfish for praying for myself, but sometimes I feel so desperate without You. You know others are on my heart as well. Please be with all of us. Through Jesus, Amen.

Another Blog Thing

You Are 80% Pure

You're so innocent, it's almost like you're not human. Taking this test is probably the naughtiest thing you've done in a while!

How Pure Are You?

Sigh

I need attention and love. I haven't seen my boyfriend now for 18 days. He expects me to wait another 10 days! That is just crazy and very not Pam. I need hugs. I have a cat in my lap, but I need hugs darn it. It is good I have lots of friends to steal hugs from, but it isn't the same as a boyfriend hug. Where is my night time arm pit? Argh. Irritable Pam.

I have a few thorns in my side right now:

-Literature review for INFO 8800
-HCI Paper
-EIT Paper
-Collaborative Systems Paper
-Final Project RSCH 8140
-SLC assignment


I have other assignments, but they are more routine things I get done on a weekly basis. These are the "big projects" that seem to always get put aside until the last minute.

I found some people from my past on MySpace; it is kinda scary. You think about clicking the "add as friend" button, but then you think, why bother? That was so long ago, and you know you aren't going to keep in touch with them anyways. I am interested to see if we are going to have a 10 year high school reunion in 2008. Since I went to two different high schools, I am not really that attached to either one.

Lily Adkins. That is who I would really be interested in looking up from the past. She was my best friend in kindergarten through third grade. I wonder what ever happened to her. Or Danny Jones, the guy with the thick glasses who asked me to marry him and fly away on a jet together . . . in first grade.

Random thoughts . . .

Change

Maybe I will just drop out of school and walk cats for a living. Is it possible to backpack across Europe with two cats? I love Scuro and Ra, but they need to learn how to clean their own litter box.

I feel guilty because I am going to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of going to see my mom. I need to figure out a way to get to Gainesville in the next few months. I need to call and cancel the Internet service I got my mom since she doesn't use it. She needs a new computer because hers is about 7-8 years old. She keeps insisting that it is 10 years old, but it isn't.

I did (maybe) make a research topic breakthrough that I might be able to turn into a dissertation topic. I don't know. We will see. I really need to work on getting some papers published.

I went to a dueling piano bar with some friends on Friday night. It was fun; I got up and danced . . . why don't those places have a dance floor?

Mark spent the weekend working again. I really worry about him, but I know I can't do anything about it. He is a grown man and has to take care of himself.

I still pray. For Mark, my family, my friends, this whole sad world. I don't think there is one of us that couldn't use a prayer for something or another. I guess there wouldn't be any beauty in the world if everything was just perfect. It seems like true beauty comes from struggling and growing and learning and trying.

Agape

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Pam Puppy

You Are a Golden Retriever Puppy

Tolerant, fun-loving, and patient. You are eager to please - and attached to your frisbee.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

My Space

Updated!
http://www.myspace.com/pamela_j_karr

Success

The bitch-goddess, Success, was trailed by thousands of gasping, dogs with lolling tongues. The one that got her first was the real dog among dogs, if you go by success!

Poor Connie! As the years drew on it was the fear of nothingness In her life that affected her. Clifford’s mental life and hers gradually began to feel like nothingness. Their marriage, their integrated life based on a habit of intimacy, that he talked about: there were days when it all became utterly blank and nothing. It was words, just so many words. The only reality was nothingness, and over it a hypocrisy of words.

There was Clifford’s success: the bitch-goddess! It was true he was almost famous, and his books brought him in a thousand pounds. His photograph appeared everywhere. There was a bust of him in one of the galleries, and a portrait of him in two galleries. He seemed the most modern of modern voices. With his uncanny lame instinct for publicity, he had become in four or five years one of the best known of the young ‘intellectuals’. Where the intellect came in, Connie did not quite see. Clifford was really clever at that slightly humorous analysis of people and motives which leaves everything in bits at the end. But it was rather like puppies tearing the sofa cushions to bits; except that it was not young and playful, but curiously old, and rather obstinately conceited. It was weird and it was nothing. This was the feeling that echoed and re-echoed at the bottom of Connie’s soul: it was all flag, a wonderful display of nothingness; At the same time a display. A display! a display! a display!

It was strange . . . the prostitution to the bitch-goddess. To Connie, since she was really outside of it, and since she had grown numb to the thrill of it, it was again nothingness. Even the prostitution to the bitch-goddess was nothingness, though the men prostituted themselves innumerable times. Nothingness even that.

Well, if one had to prostitute oneself, let it be to a bitch-goddess! One could always despise her even while one prostituted oneself to her, which was good.

He realized now that the bitch-goddess of Success had two main appetites: one for flattery, adulation, stroking and tickling such as writers and artists gave her; but the other a grimmer appetite for meat and bones. And the meat and bones for the bitch-goddess were provided by the men who made money in industry.

Yes, there were two great groups of dogs wrangling for the bitch-goddess: the group of the flatterers, those who offered her amusement, stories, films, plays: and the other, much less showy, much more savage breed, those who gave her meat, the real substance of money. The well-groomed showy dogs of amusement wrangled and snarled among themselves for the favours of the bitch-goddess. But it was nothing to the silent fight-to-the-death that went on among the indispensables, the bone-bringers.

--DH Lawrence

Perspective

It is amazing how you look back on parts of your life and all you can say is "what the heck was I thinking?" Perspective changes everything . . . You find what you want in people instead of who they really are. And all you can do is thank God that you can see people for who they really are . . . with time . . . with lots and lots of time.

I should be creating my lecture for class this Friday, but instead I have been browsing myspace. I can honestly say that I still keep in touch with all the people who matter the most in my life. There aren't that many people I need to "look up" because I have most of their numbers in my phone. On the other hand, I use those numbers way too infrequently. Hehe, I just got Kim to sign up for myspace. It is scary really.

Does anyone remember the episode of Perfect Strangers where Balky is trying to help Larry with stress management, and he keeps trying to get him to chant, "I am a Halloween . . . I am a Halloween?" The actually phrase was supposed to be "I am a hollow reed, stress blows through me like the wind." Sorry, just came to my mind.

Argh

My boyfriend is sick, and I am stressed. I might not get to see Mark for almost a whole month. I saw him last on the 20th, and I am not flying to see him again until the 18th. :(

I had pizza hut for lunch, and it will probably also be my dinner. Maybe I will take a walk tonight. Maybe that will cheer me up.

Hilarious

I did a picture of Mark next, and he came out as a 73% match with Ashley Olson!

Better Fairy Picture

I was kissed by a movie star!

Woodland Fairy

Happy Halloween!

Yahoo!

This is my Yahoo! avatar. Does it look a little bit like me? I think I am going to try to go to bed soon. I stayed up late last night to finish my stats homework. I worked and went to class today. Nothing too eventful.

It is definitely becoming winter here. I have turned all the fans so that they go clockwise. Marvin my space heater has been revived from the hall closet. Cats are more snuggly than ever.

28 Degrees

I got back to Charlotte this morning around 6 AM, and it was 28 degrees outside! I don't know what to do with that kind of weather! My windshield was frozen over so I had to defrost it before I could leave the airport. We had a good weekend. We went to see a Joe Dee Messina concert and to Universal Studios. Other than that, I just spent some quality time with my boyfriend.

Sad

I had this long blog post all written out and firefox decided to throw a fatal exception. So instead of my aimless, lengthy ramblings, you get a short, sad post from an unrecoverable operation. :-(

Backwards

Sometimes I think this world has it all backwards. It values wealth, fame, pride when the things that matter are charity, friendships, and humility. The world has a "take care of yourself" mentality instead of a "love your neighbor" mentality. We all hide brokenness with facades of strength and thwart actually being happy for the pretense of being happy. It is shameful to ask for help.

Ah, anyway . . .

The most beautiful thing I have ever seen is when someone gets the nerve to say that they need help, that they can't just do it all by themselves anymore. That is when they let their guard down and are truly authentic. They admit they are lost and are receptive to change. In fact, I think that is when I have been my most beautiful as well.

Someone once said that trying to do everything yourself isn't a sign of strength. It is a sign of pride. We weren't made to do everything by ourselves. We were made to take care of each other.

Whew!

Well, I think I am almost caught up for this week, and now I just have to get ready for next week. I am going to spend most of the weekend studying. I received my peer evaluation for my class today, and I think it went pretty well.

It is very cold outside tonight. I can't really say how cold since I am tucked into bed with my space heater pointing at me. However, it seems like it is cold outside.

I just had a friend notify me that someone is sending phony bulletins with my myspace account about adult club memberships. Fun. Why doesn't someone hack my blog and write something juicy for a change?

Life

When things in your lives seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2
cups of coffee.

A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed
that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the
open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again
if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked
up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand
filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded with an unanimous "yes."

The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the
empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are
the important things--your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite passions--and if everything else was lost
and only they remained, your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your
house and your car.

The sand is everything else--the small stuff. "If you put the sand
into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles
or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your
time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the
things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take
your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be
time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf
balls first--the things that really matter. Set your priorities.
The rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just
goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's
always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."

I am Starving!

And grumpy and didn't sleep well last night. :-(

Awesome Song Lyrics

She’s a yellow pair of running shoes
A holey pair of jeans
She’s looks great in cheap sunglasses
She looks great in anything
She’s “I want a piece of chocolate”
“Take me to a movie”
She’s “I can’t find a thing to wear”
Now and then she’s moody
She’s a Saturn with a sunroof
With her brown hair a blowin'
She’s a soft place to land
And a good feeling knowing
She’s a warm conversation that I wouldn’t miss for nothing
She’s a fighter when she’s mad and a lover when she’s loving

She’s everything that I ever wanted
And everything I need
When I talk about her I go on and on and on
Cause she is everything to me

She’s a Saturday out on the town
Church girl on Sunday
A cross around her neck and a cuss word cause it’s Monday
She’s a bubble bath and candle baby come and kiss me
She’s a one glass of wine and she’s feelin kinda tipsy
She’s the giver I wish I could be and the stealer of the covers
She’s the picture in my wallet
She’s the hand that I'm holdin when I’m on my knees and prayin
She’s the answer to my prayers
She’s the song that I’m playin and

She’s everything that I ever wanted
And everything I need
When I talk about her I go on and on and on
Cause she is everything to me

She’s the voice I love to hear
Someday when I’m 90
She's that wooden rocking chair
I want rocking right beside me
Everyday that passes I only love her more
Yea she’s the one that id lay down my own life for

She’s everything that I ever wanted
And everything I need
When I talk about her I go on and on and on
Cause she is everything to me

Ceiling Fans

I just had this electrician come and put in two ceiling fans for me ($240). He did a really great job and charged me $35 less than he originally quoted. So if anyone needs an electrician in Charlotte, NC:

Johnson's Electrical Service
Stan Johnson
704-458-7751

There is my plug for the day.

Ooh, I just ordered checks on-line. I got the ones that just had the Bank of America logo, so they gave them to me for free. That is awesome. I didn't know you could get completely free checks. Who needs the pretty pictures? I mean, I am just giving them away anyway.

I am getting peer reviewed in my class Friday. I warned my students. Am I allowed to do that? Oh well, we will see how it goes.

I need to get some homework done tonight. Why can't PhDing be something that is fun? Sigh.

Happy Birthday Wishes - Thanks!!

Happy Birthday! Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday Dear Sppppaaaammmmmm, Happy Birthday to you! -- Kim & Tony


I didn't know this (and I'm thankful we have friendster to remind us) so happy birthday! Have any plans for the evening? Better get out there and celebrate. -- Ed


I hope you're having an excellent birthday!!!
--Pietro


For some reason, I have October 6 marked on my calendar as your birthday, so I hope I'm right. So Happy Birthday, Ms. Wonderful!! --Tim

Pam, Hope all is well, guess we lucked out on the hurricanes this season, bet you don't miss that but I do miss you here;) Enjoy your day and take care --Rick

happy b day, hope you have fun, hope your having a good time with your man this weekend, my mom is in town this weekend --Phillipa

Happy birthday to the most beautiful, intelligent, and sweetest girl I know. --Pei

Also thanks for Francis, Frank, Liz, Tausha, Shannia, Lisa et al., Kris, Mace, Mrs. B, Dave, Joel, Mrs. Miller and everyone else who sent me warm birthday wishes . . .

Most of of my wonderful boyfriend Mark who took me to my favorite - The Melting Pot - and came to spend my birthday weekend with me.

I love you guys!
Pam

Full Circle

I have learned so much about me and about other people. It is amazing all that I have learned in the last two years. I have become more confident in myself and learned to value what I think and feel more than what others think I should think and feel.

I tried to help one of my students today. I don't know if I really did much good, but it felt good to try. It felt like I was really making a difference. It isn't the same thing as coding or making profits for a company. I love people. I don't need perfection. I just need to know that we are all somehow trying.

It is kinda funny. I think dating someone who is Jewish has made me a better Christian. I go to church more now than when I was dating a Christian guy. It makes you think more about what your beliefs really are.

I had a glass of wine tonight while talking to my mom, so I am a little red and blotchy. I don't really like drinking, but I think it is good for my heart to have a glass every now and again. So I am getting sleepy. I have to prepare my lecture for tomorrow. We are having group software presentations and then I am lecturing on Chapter 9 about e-commerce. I am all professional and stuff.

Hugs,
Pam

Happy Birthday to Me

My birthday is tomorrow. I will be 27 years old. :-( This is the closest to 30 I have ever been, and I am depressed. Life is so short.

My friend Francis sent me a birthday card yesterday. He is such a sweet guy. We aren't that close, but he remembered my birthday. He got me a house warming present when I bought my first house. He is just a really thoughtful guy. He and I went to high school together, but we didn't really know each other that well. His brother was in the same grade as me. Then we bumped into each other while at UF when I was getting my masters, and he was getting his MBA. And then we both ended up living in St. Pete where we actually became more like friends than acquaintances. Our ritual was catching up over cheesecake at the Cheesecake Factory. He has done a much better job keeping in touch with me than me with him. It is important to recognize quality people when you find them.

Anyhow, I should be writing a literature review on collaborative systems right now. Bleh. I have two classes to attend today. Tomorrow I teach and pick Mark up from the airport. I am on a "need to know basis" about this weekend, so I will report back once I find out more!

Time

This year flew by. It is almost my birthday, then it will soon be Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. That's crazy. The semester ends December 15th. I have lived in Charlotte for almost as long as I had in St. Petersburg. It doesn't seem like it though. I guess I had more roots in St. Pete which made me feel like I had been there longer. I had lived there briefly in high school so I knew more people for a longer period of time. I still feel like I am new to Charlotte.

I am stressed today. I have a lot of homework to do, and I am not in the mindset to do it. My roommate seems to be a pretty nice guy, so that seems to be going okay. Jim came over and checked out the plumbing at my house yesterday. I thought that was sweet. Matt is going to come over in a few hours to work on our stats homework. Tomorrow, I have class pretty much all day. I need to take a shower soon before Matt gets here. I am still in my pajamas.

Sin

God, I know we all have sinned and fall short of Heaven. Please forgive me for my sins. Please forgive me for keeping more for myself than I give to others. Please forgive me for my pride and selfishness. Please forgive me for the times I have mocked someone for being different than I thought they should be. Please forgive me for being judgmental. Please forgive me for having lust. I know sex was only meant to be within a marriage. Please forgive me for worrying instead of having complete faith in you. Please forgive me for not always being honest. I know there are times that I put myself above others when I should just humble mysef before You. Please forgive me for my doubt and disbelief. Please forgive me for the times when I have not chosen to forgive others. Please forgive me for worshipping worldly things instead of You alone. Please forgive me for hurting others and help me heal any damage that I have done. Please forgive me for any promises I have broken. Please forgive me for not taking better care of my mom. Please forgive me for getting caught up in work, school, and other responsibilities that have ever led me to neglect friends and family. Please forgive me for anger I have felt and reacted on instead of turning it over to You. Please forgive me for the times I try to play god and control the universe around me. Please forgive me for sinning against my body by not taking as good care of it as I should. Forgive me for not being like salt of the earth and standing up against evils I see in the world. Most of all, please forgive me for not being as thankful as I should be for all the things you have given me in this world, lessons you have taught, and grace you have afforded me. Without you I would be lost in all these sins. Thank you.

Through Jesus, Amen.

Recent Blog Stats

Beauty

People are beautiful. If we weren't so messed up, we wouldn't at all be interesting. It is because we have struggles and we try so hard that makes us so beautiful. None of us know what we are doing. Life is just one big adventure.

My adventure tonight is going to be reading through about 200+ pages of journal articles and talking with my boyfriend after he decides to come home from work.

Naked!

Somehow I forgot my wallet and cell phone today, so I am naked until after my seminar. How embarrassing!

Human Doer

I am reading a book that says that sometimes we define ourselves solely by our accomplishments, not our values and good characteristics. So we become "human doers" instead of human beings. So here are some of the things that I think help define things about me that I like:

I care so much about everything. I don't think there are many things in life that I am apathetic about. I value service and helping others. I oppose societal norms such as public seduction and exploiting sexuality. I don't swear as part of my normal conversation. I value education and hard work. I value life balance. I am loyal and faithful. I try to be diplomatic and sincere. I have learned that it is okay not to be perfect. I prioritize people before things. I make it a point to worship. I am not afraid to ask for help. I believe in pursuing goodness. I generally have good values. I don't do drugs. I am usually polite and empathetic. I would rather give too much than too little. I strive to improve myself. I am intelligent and cuddly. I am generally a defensive driver. I like romance and surprises. I love animals and want children. I am not about wealth and notoriety. I am down-to-earth and can be frugal. I make decisions relatively quickly and am consistent with my actions. I'd rather do something than talk about something. I try to do my best at everything I do. I enjoy nature and being outdoors. I love waterfalls. I tend to learn things from movies instead of just watching them for entertainment value. I don't take advantage of other people. I am flexible and adaptable to change. I am receptive to better ways of doing things, but I try not to compromise my values. I am relationship-oriented and care less about personal accomplishments. I enjoy decorating my house and finding creative and new ways to do things. I like my taste in cars, homes, clothes, etc. I am authentic. I tend to be more open with people instead of guarded. I have a hard time being dishonest. I like to plan. I am responsible and keep my promises. I have learned how to forgive. I am not shallow. I am petite. I have small feet. My smile is a little crooked but not too much. I have long, brown hair and brown eyes. I like to sing in the shower. I am not a morning person. I sleep with a teddy bear. I like country music. I am not a health food nut even though I try to eat relatively healthy. I like cooking and having meals at home. I am family-oriented. I can't drink alcohol very much. I like playing board games and dancing. I don't smoke. I am not lazy, but I do like the occassional afternoon nap. I am clumsy but I try to do things like rollerblade, play tennis, and other sports. I know about technology. I do volunteer activities because I want to, not because I want to brag about it. I feel guilty when I do something wrong. I am tolerant of others' choices. I get involved in my friends' lives when I think I can help. I am not detached. I try to treat people well independently of how they treat me. I love.

Agape,
Pam

Held

I have a headache and need to be held. I watched Shop Girl today while putting together my lecture slides. What I got from the movie: People can change and grow. Some relationships may introduce more comfort into your life but are not worth anything if they don't give you true love and commitment. You lose more if you don't give all of yourself in a relationship than if you fall completely. There are some mistakes that you can make that hurt people, and you simply can't fix it.

Anyway, my head still hurts. I am watching an Oprah on pedafiles.

A Little Love Can Change it All

I am listening to music, shuffle is a great thing. I feel like I have tons of stuff to do (which is accurate), but at the same time, this week isn't that bad. Tomorrow, I have office hours from 9 AM - 11 AM. Then I am meeting with Su about our paper (of which I have yet to prepare). After that, I have a presentation/article review due for one of my classes. My other class isn't meeting, but I have to email my assignment to my professor. After that, I need to prepare my lecture for the class I am teaching Friday. So, all in all, even though it sounds pretty busy, it isn't as bad as it could be.

I hate uncertainty. I like being able to plan for things. When I can't plan for something, it stresses me out. Arggh.

I started trying to exercise some. I also went to the store today and attempted to by food that was relatively healthy. We will see how long that will last. I am trying to decide what else I should try to get done tonight. I am not very motivated to do more homework right now. I cleaned the kitchen earlier today. I listened to a sermon I had on CD from a Sunday I missed church. I have some laundry that needs to be done. However, it is night time which means I will forget about it in the dryer until at least tomorrow and will have to rewash it anyway.

What is on my night stand to read? I have the Bible, the Complete Jewish Bible, a book about Workaholism, and a book about long distance relationships. Hmmm. I'm bored.

Pond Scum

The pond scum is going to clear up soon as it gets colder. My new roommate is going to move in this weekend. I am also going to have dinner with some friends this Friday. School is going pretty well - just busy. I am trying to do a quickwatch on a variable right now for work, and my computer has frozen up. That is one drawback from working at home - the VPN tunnel tends to be slower.

Yay, I think I have it working now.

TMI

Today sucked. I got in on the red eye at 6 AM this morning. I had a doctor's appointment at 2:30 PM, and they scheduled me for a colinoscopy. Not something I am looking forward to. I am going in to work tomorrow, and I have lots of homework I need to get done this week. Sorry, I will try to be more chipper later on in the week. Just give me a day or two to be cranky.

Went to see Mark this weekend. As always, I am happy when I get to spend time with him. I think we are both stressed with life and the distance, but I think that is pretty much to be expected. We went to the Getty museum, and I saw some Degas, Cezanne, Monet, and other famous pieces of artwork. He also took me to a restaurant where they completely let me make up my own dish. For all who know me, you know how awesome that is.

Here is the photo album from the trip this weekend.

Fall

Fall is here, and it seems like everyone I know is going through some kind of dramatic change. Single friends I have had are dating, dating friends I have are breaking up, people are quitting their jobs, joining the Peace Corps, heading up organizations, buying businesses, buying homes, selling homes, attending seminars, moving to new cities . . . change is . . . inevitable.

God, I pray that you continue to mold us in new and creative ways. Don't stop helping us improve, but please realize that we often find change difficult. When change is not accompanied with hope, sometimes it seems unbearable. We are imperfect, something you will never be, so maybe it is hard for You to relate? I know that you love us. I know you have good plans in store. Just please be gentle on us all.

Amen!

Pam, Pa-Pam, Pam

Here is a picture of me right now. I just finished working for the day, and I think I might take a nap. I haven't been feeling well.

Things to be happy about

1) God loves me. I was struggling with an issue this morning, and when I was sitting in the sermon this morning, I just said "okay, God." It was like He was talking to just me for the situation I was going through just then. I know He is looking out for me and has good things in store.

2) My friends love me. Susan, Wendy, Joel, Dave, Jay, Kirk, Pedro, Jamie, Ann, Kenny, Liz, Felicia, Francis, Melanie, Adam, Tausha, etc. I have awesome friends!

3) I have a better relationship with my family than we have had in the past.

4) I have a beautiful home with two beautiful cats (who also love me).

5) My boyfriend loves me.

6) I am doing pretty good in the PhD program, at work, and teaching my first class.

7) Even though I think I am overweight, I am still attractive and not in really bad shape.

8) I have money in the bank.

9) I have learned so much through life. Everything I have gone through has taught me important lessons and has made me a better person than I would otherwise have been.

10) I finally realized I don't have to be perfect. Other people aren't perfect, and they are loved anyway. It is okay if I make mistakes. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to love myself. It is to defend myself when people hurt me. It is okay to want what I want. It is okay that there are things I want to improve . . . I can be happy and content with things now and still work towards those things. I don't have to wait until I get somewhere or do something to be happy. I can be happy now, right where I am at. Amen!

Life

A diet coke, a yogurt bar, and off to church. Me at my computer . . . just the usual.

Juxtaposed

Our greatest strengths are often our biggest weaknesses. So when we are presented with the task of change, we often find ourselves torn because we don't want to erode the good parts of what makes us - us. But are the good and the bad irrevocably bound?

For instance, one of my best qualities is how I care so incredibly much, well, about everything. However, this tends to bring out my insecurities and make me extra vulnerable to getting hurt. There are times where I have desperately tried to not build walls and not get crushed at the same time . . . but in that case, you are assuming blind trust in those you are hoping won't crush you. You try your best to continue to love, continue to forgive, continue to try . . . because you don't want the reason things don't work out to be because of the walls you have built around yourself. On the other hand, when you leave yourself wide open, people can take advantage of you or even just disappoint you through the natural progression of life. So should you try to use apathy as your defense? And by doing so, would I lose one of the best parts of me? I don't believe there is a way to truly love half-way. Obviously an amount of trust needs to be built, but if in the end, you have two guarded hearts, so much is taken out of the equation that makes it less worthy. I mean, that is why they call it "falling" in love. You have to take the risk; you have to fall.

Ah, yes. Late night ramblings. I have to get some sleep now.

Rain

I think I might have found a roommate today. I am ambivalent about the whole thing, but I might as well try something different. Change would be good, maybe.

Joel isn't coming this weekend and Kim and Tony aren't going to make it. So, I should have plenty of time to get some work done this weekend. If only productive equaled happy. I feel blah. I am tired, fustrated, depressed, stressed . . . The weather has been nasty today.

Quality Meat

I was supposed to go to a cook out in Mebane this weekend. However, at the last minute Mark flew me to see him in New York. I have never decided to fly somewhere and fly there in the same day before. I feel so cosmopolitan. I flew out yesterday around 2 PM, and I just got home. On the return flight, I let them bump me to the next one so I could get a free round trip ticket to go see my boyfriend. I think that worked out pretty well.

However, I am still sick. In fact, I think the altitude change made my head more stuffy. I took NyQuil last night, and I don't remember anything from the point I went to sleep until I woke up. I usually wake up to go to the bathroom several times during the night.

We went to a restaurant in NY called Quality Meat. Mark got a lobster as an appetizer (nope, I didn't eat any), and it was served with the head as a centerpiece. Ick! We both got steaks, and they were pretty good. I got to wear my new top and skirt from New York and Company.

I am back home now. I wish I could have spent more time with Mark. The long distance is hard because the person you most want to spend your time with isn't there. I was very grateful that I got to see him, and it will help me get through this week better without him. It was kinda depressing landing in Charlotte. It is rainy and muggy outside. It was freezing on the plane. I put on three shirts and was covering myself with my skirt. Definitely not good for my head. Oh, and they took 2 liquid eye shadows and my concealer at the airport. Sheesh.

I think I am going to go to bed early and try to work from home tomorrow. I need my sinuses to clear up. Maybe I should go get some more NyQuil - cherry, not the original. The original tastes like crap.

Pamcake

Just call me a pamcake because I am spread so thin lately. I have great cats. I don't know what I would do without my cats.

Pam, Up All Night

I have an orange cat sitting in my lap. I just finished grading all the assignments from my class. It is easier reading the papers than it is just entering all the grades into the web interface for grade tracking. I went over to Matt and Amy's for a few hours tonight. We had turkey burgers and strawberry shortcake. I think Matt and Amy are the epitome of a good, Christian couple. Good people. They have two cute cats too.

I have too many uncertainties in my life right now, too many things I want to plan for but don't have enough information to do so. I guess that is normal, but I can usually find some ways to account for some aspects of the uncertainty.

Joel, are you still coming up next weekend? I am going to be busy and you have papers to write too, so let me know if it still makes sense for you to come up. I know it is quite a drive. You still have that flight credit that you need to use before Thanksgiving. I know you always try to surprise me for my birthday, and I always end up already having plans. Just to let you know, I already have plans. :-)

I consolidated my student loan, and I called them to see how much I owed. They told me I didn't owe anything until I graduate. However, I keep getting a bill in the mail. Very suspicious. I need to give them a call.

I have spoiled milk in the refridgerator. A thought which does not relate to anything, just happened to cross my mind.

Fraggle Rock

Nothing too exciting to report on in the life of Pam. Mark and I went to Kentucky to see Kim and Tony for Labor Day. We toured Churchill Downs while we were there. It was a nice visit. Jay (ex) stopped by to say hello on his way from Blacksburg to Myrtle Beach. That was a surprising yet pleasant visit. I hadn't talked to him in almost 2 years.

My boyfriend is the culprit. I am getting sick. I have been sneezing my head off and have had a runny nose since I got home from Kentucky. Ugh.

Work, school, teaching, etc. has been very busy. I did get out for dinner with Holly last night which was good. I think I am going to Virginia's house in Mebane for a cookout on Saturday.

I have to use my City Cash for New York & Company this weekend.

Sniffle.

Quotes to Live By

"The great end of life is not knowledge but action." --Thomas Huxley

"Do not pray for easy lives. Pray to be stronger men." --John Fitzgerald Kennedy

"Life is short. Be swift to love! Make haste to be kind!" --Henri F. Amiel

“Pride costs us more than hunger, thirst and cold.” --Thomas Jefferson

“There can be no deep disappointment where there is not deep love.” --Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

“I don't measure a man's success by how high he climbs but how high he bounces when he hits bottom.” --General George S. Patton, Jr.

“Love the LORD your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength. This is the first commandment. And the second, like it, is this: You shall love your neighbor as yourself. There is no other commandment greater than these.” Mark:29-31

Interesting

My blog is the first thing that comes up if you google "how to become unsad."

I Beat the Router

My Internet was down for the evening yesterday, so I had to reconfigure my wireless network. I pinched my left earlobe, stuck out my tongue, and touched my left elbow with my right pinky finger by going under my right leg, and it finally worked! Argh, I beat you this time wireless access point. I am happy to be back on my network because I was pirating a neighbors for a little while. Now I have to conquer my print server . . .

I should get some sleep; my head kinda hurts. I have some articles to read, but I don't think I am going to get to them tonight. Maybe I will sleep on the couch tonight in front of the television. I made meatballs, rice, and brown gravy for dinner tonight. I made Mark help me cook while he was here . . . we made won ton soup, fried rice, chicken enchiladas, hotdogs, and grilled veggies. Pretty electic, and by that I mean a collection of very different types of meals. ;-)

I am going to see Kim & Tony next weekend which will be nice. I haven't seen them in . . . wow, I think it has been about a year now. Crazy. I used to see them every week. I bet Kim's clothes shopping bill has been dramatically reduced since moving away from me.

Well, I am going to clean up the cable craziness I have going on here in my office. Then I am either going to be productive or go to bed. G'night.