Pam's Back

Not back as in "back in business," but just a general update on my back. I underwent surgery for a L5-S1 back herniation on 8/3/2010 (yes, 5 days before our 2 year anniversary). It was a tough decision to make, but after a year, the second MRI looked the same as the first. I even consulted my chiropractor who believes that surgery is never the answer, and he said I should go for it.

They said that the surgery should take about 45 minutes, but mine took about 2 1/2 hours. Thank God, I have no recollection of any of it, but it did leave Mike starving and nervous in the waiting room. The doctor told us that it was an extremely large herniation that looked pretty old - as in the scar tissue had healed around the herniation where it punctured the membrane. In addition, the herniated disc had fused itself to my nerve so he had to separate the two. He told us that I am at a higher risk for reherniation since since the herniation was so large - meaning the hole in the membrane was bigger than normal. He advised me to take it easy so that scar tissue could form over the membrane.

So, I have been in bed watching TV for most of the time since surgery. Don't ask me how many Law and Order SVU or Royal Pains or House or NCIS marathons I have watched. I have also been heavily medicated with hydrocodone, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories. Trips out have consisted of searching for back accessories - such as a rolling backpack for my laptop, L-shaped back pillows, comfortable shoes, and I have even broken down against my fear of needles to go to my friend Tom for acupunture.

I can't really say how well I am healing yet. The first day, my leg was really tight (my calf felt like a constant Charlie Horse). The second day I had crazy muscle spasms (which Tom's acupunture and suggestion to drink Pedialite seemed to remedy). The third day my whole back around my incision felt like a big bruise . . . that reminded me of poor Ra when I had to get his tail amputated . . . he had a huge bruise on his little stub. The fourth day through now, I don't quite remember all the details, but the bag of symptoms include nausea, blurry vision, leg pain, hives (don't ask me how that one fits in), and foot numbness. Overall, I can't complain EXCEPT I seem to have lost some muscle strength in my right calf that gives me a definitive limp and nearly prevents me from walking down stairs. It is like - pretend you are doing "toe-up" exercises to strengthen your calves. Well, I can't even get my right foot off the ground no matter how hard I could try. Left foot, no problems.

So, I was a little depressed today second guessing my decision to go through surgery. I am just frustrated with not knowing the right answers or finding or even knowing who and how they can help. Maybe I am a little vain, but walking with a limp and the thought of my right leg atrophying seems worse then constant pain in my hips and consistent sciatica. At first out of surgery, I had a positive outlook. From what he found in there, there was no way that disc was going to heal on its own over time. However, I am praying that the muscle weakness will go away as my nerve heals, but I am scared that it might not.

Part of me is kicking myself for not addressing the problem sooner. I probably herniated the disc in 2005 when I was moving to Charlotte. That is when my back first started going out. It became chronic pain after I was hospitalized with colitis in 2009. At that time, I tried physical therapy, steriod epidurals, anti-inflamatories, etc. I just got tired of all the doctors and nothing helping. Besides, Mike was seeing twice as many doctors as he was only recently diagnosed with CVID a few months ago. His condition was more serious than mine, so at $20 a pop (minimum for co-pay and not even to mention all the lab tests), I took a hiatus from seeing doctors. I don't regret that.

I swear that our health insurance company would be better off taking the risk of hiring a hit man than paying our medical bills. They have been trying any way they can to deny having to pay for Mike's treatments that cost $6,000 a month. Luckily, Mike fixed the problem when they dropped him. Now they want him to switch to a different distributor. Hopefully, that won't cause more problems.

So far, CVID is the best diagnosis we have gotten for Mike. It feels like progress that he at least has a treatment now even if it is insanely expensive. We have seen moderate results. He hasn't been getting sick as often from bacterial infections like sinus infections, etc. His myoclonic jerks have gone away along with the headaches. Thanks God. However, his lymph-nodes have been hurting him which is cause for concern because of the correlation between CVID and certain types of Cancer. He went to talk to a surgeon this week, and they are talking about doing surgery to biopsy one of his lymph-nodes. We are back and forth, "oh, maybe it is nothing," but ultimately, I think he needs to get the test done because if it is a type of Cancer early detection is very important.

Mike is stressed by work, but he can't really leave because he can't afford to lose health insurance with all this stuff going on. He has been doing a great job at work this quarter pushing deals through. He got a decent commission check, and I am proud of him. His project right now is re-doing the master bathroom. At first, it was because of a potential mold problem. Then we realized that the mold problem wasn't as bad as first anticipated (after spending $400 on air quality testing). Now, I think it is just his pet project. He has already teared out the closet walls and has kept things remarkably tidy. Yet construction has been halted with everything going on recently. It's okay, I couldn't fit most of the clothes in the closet anyway. :-)

This is going to be a busy semester for me. I am slated to defend my proposal this semester. One Godsend is that I have changed topics from the evil Geoviz to looking at how people set interpersonal boundaries within their online social networks. My advisors have looked out for me as far as funding goes, and I am also very thankful for that. I will be teaching two sections of web application development at UNCC this fall. I will have about 60 students total. I have been working on developing the curriculum and the class schedule this week. However, I have to be careful because sitting up is the worst possible thing for my back recovery right now. I have been looking at zero gravity recliners and kneeling chairs at Relax the Back, but man are they expensive! We bought a laptop pillow desk thingy which is what I am using to type this blog from bed as we speak. I have affectionately named my new bed pillow "Ellie." (aka the L-shaped pillow)

On a more positive note, we had a great trip to Alaska which was kind of our anniversary present to ourselves. At first, I was bummed because the cruise-line kind of sucked and it was foggy. But things cleared up, we saw whales, went mushing, and things looked up from there. We also joined a small group at our church and have met some new friends. Overall, I can't complain because Mike and I have many friends here in Charlotte and scattered all over the place. We aren't the most social people in the world, but we do cherish our friendships. The Fergusons next door are a really nice older couple to check in on us pretty regularly. Larry brought over some chicken casserole and peach cobbler. He also left a pair of waders by the front door which in some people's lives would seem strange. Of course, we have an explanation. We helped him go to a Buddhist monastery to get lotuses and plant them in the pond. Well, after two months, we all realized that lotuses were pretty invasive so Mike had to pull them back up and replant them in big garbage cans. Duck raising (sometimes chasing via kayak) and pond maintenance, just another normal day. :-)

Scuro, Ru, and Carrera are doing well. We have mice and ants living in the garage so Scuro's food is on the dining room table. Shoot, we never even eat at the dining room table. She is the fancy, spoiled kitty, but well-deserved. She just turned 12 years old this month. Alas, they discontinued her favorite bobble. We tried a few different replacement bobbles, but she has been impervious (is that the right word?) to our attempts.

Okay, I have started doing a William Faulkner stream of consciousness here so maybe my meds are kicking in. See what happens when I am stuck at home and made to rest? I haven't blogged in ages. Eh, blogs are out and micro-blogging is in. No wonder we are all ADD these days. I will drink my Pedialax (Pedialite + Miralax, Mmmm mmm), and probably watch some tv, listen to a relaxing hypnosis CD (but not whilst driving), get mashed by the Scuro, and drift to sleep. Good night. Sweet dreams.

Time

While time is elusive, we all seem to think that others can have more or less of it than we do. Untrue. Each and every one of us have the same exact amount of time in a day. The difference is where we choose to spend it. Dr. Herbert Simon called it "the scarcity of attention." There are a multitude of things that warrant our attention, and we choose, sometimes unconsciously and unwisely, how to allocated our attention. There is no such thing as "I don't have time." Simply, you just don't think that that particular activity is as important as the ones already consuming your time.

The problems start when we waste our time by giving it to activities where we are overworked and under appreciated. Or when we let pressure from others influence how we spend our time. Time is a finite resource that cannot be bought back. Like money, you cannot regain sunk costs, guarantee return on investment, and must analyze opportunity costs. Even though less tangible than dollars, the risk is much higher for mismanagement, but the reward is much greater when invested wisely.

On another note, never trivial someone else's time by saying they must have a lot of "free time." There is no such thing as free time. Time is one of the most important things we have, and just because someone doesn't have kids, works part-time, spends a lot of time playing video games, or whatever, their time is just as valuable as yours.

Hospital Cost Craziness

One night in the hospital:

room & board: $605
pharmacy: $2,433
medical supplies: 100
labs: $2071
Radiology: $1944
Emergency Room: $1587
GI Services: $1260

Total: $10,000

Wow. Luckily we have insurance to pay most of it, but man getting sick is expensive!

Me and My Colon

So I now know more about my colon than I ever wanted to know. (Don't worry, I'll spare you the pictures.) A couple of weeks ago, I went to Urgent Care, then the emergency room, then was admitted to the hospital. The GI doctor says I have the classic symptoms of chronic ulcerative colitis (UC). Basically, it is inflammation of the colon which is in the Irratable Bowel Sydrome (IBS) family. Considered worse than general IBS but not as bad as Chrone's Disease (UC is infection of the large intestine while Chrone's is both the large and small intestine). I am still trying to learn about it. At first, I thought I might have gotten a bacterial infection (salmonella) from the ducks (another long story), but they said they tested and biopsied and there was no sign of that and that it looked more chronic (I guess it would have just been colitis then instead of ulcerative colitis). It showed infection all the way to the "left-side" which is basically the whole large intestine/colon instead of just part of it (colon goes up through your right side than over). Anyway, they treated me with a whole bunch of medicine in the hospital and gave me some prescriptions to take home.

One medicine I have to take 3 capsules 3 times daily. It is called Balsalazide. Possible Side effects: Headache, nausea, vomiting, joint pain, abdominal pain, trouble sleeping, or loss of appetite may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly. (Probably explains why I am blogging at 5:30 AM.)

The other medicine tastes horrible! At first I had to take 5 pills a day, but luckily I am now down to two a day. It is called Prednisone. Possible Side Effects:

• problems with your vision;

• swelling, rapid weight gain, feeling short of breath;

• severe depression, unusual thoughts or behavior, seizure (convulsions);

• bloody or tarry stools, coughing up blood;

• pancreatitis (severe pain in your upper stomach spreading to your back, nausea and vomiting, fast heart rate);

• low potassium (confusion, uneven heart rate, extreme thirst, increased urination, leg discomfort, muscle weakness or limp feeling); or

• dangerously high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision, buzzing in your ears, anxiety, confusion, chest pain, shortness of breath, uneven heartbeats, seizure).

Less serious side effects may include:

• sleep problems (insomnia), mood changes;

• acne, dry skin, thinning skin, bruising or discoloration;

• slow wound healing;

• increased sweating;

• headache, dizziness, spinning sensation;

• nausea, stomach pain, bloating; or

• changes in the shape or location of body fat (especially in your arms, legs, face, neck, breasts, and waist).

So when I thought I would at least lose some weight being sick, I have actually been voraciously hungry. Argh. From my understanding, I am supposed to stay on Balsalazide long term but not Prednisone - that only when my colon gets really inflamed. The GI said that the side effects of Balsalazide are far better than letting your UC go uncontrolled (some people have to have their colon removed, yikes!). Just listening to the doctor right now since I am relying he knows better than me.

Irronically, the medication that I was already on which interacts the worst and causes flare ups of UC is Ziana which is a topical acne gel. In fact, some people think that it might actually cause UC. Who would have thought that your most dangerous medication might be your acne cream?! Regardless, I stopped using it and am back to good ol' Neutrogena.

So, that is all I really know so far. Needless to say, I haven't been feeling my best the last few weeks. Randomly feel better and worse, but hopefully it will get better instead of worse over time. I cried at my 2 week check up with the GI even though he has already diagnosed me. I guess it just felt more serious and long term hearing it when I wasn't drugged up in the hospital. I also have over active bladder, so this is going to make it fun for me. (Maybe the next home improvement project should be a master bath upgrade since I will probably be spending a lot more time in there.) With everything else wrong with me, I was just frustrated and upset. Dr. Barkley (my PCP) said that when he got the medical records sent over from the hospital, he thought, "Boy this girl just can't get a break. She is too young to have all these problems..." Okay, changing subject because I am tearing up again.

On a happier note, we adopted a dog from the Great Dane Rescue of Charlotte. No, she isn't a great dane - we have no idea what she is. Her name was Flurry, then we renamed her Quarry, and then we renamed her again to Carrera. However, I will write a separate post about that since we has nothing to do with me and my colon.

The Unknown

I've been stressed because Mike hasn't been feeling well. He started getting really bad headaches in July, but they couldn't get him in the see a Neurologist until October. Since then, he has developed tightness in his chest and mini seizures that make his whole body spasm. At first, it was only right before bed, and now it is pretty much all throughout the day. It has continously been getting worse. His doctor has advised that he not drive or travel which makes it hard for him to do his job. So he might have to go on short-term disability at work if they can't figure out and start treating the problem this week. He has already had 3 MRIs, CT scan, echo-cardiogram, a sleep deprived EEG, an EKG, a 48 hour EEG, a sleep study, and blood tests for all sorts of stuff (blood sugar, West Nile, Yellow Fever, Lime disease, etc.). They haven't found the cause yet. They have him on 2-3 new medicines. One is for seizures which helps his convulsions but makes him dizzy. At first they got rid of the muscle jerks, but then they came back. He is taking 2 in the morning and 2 at night, so he can't really increase the dosage. The other night, he got out of bed and just fell down on the floor because he was so dizzy. So I have been driving us around because he hasn't been feeling good enough to drive. Whatever it is has also been affecting his mental faculties where he just tells me sometimes, "I can't think." It also makes him depressed and anxious, whicvh I am not sure if those are symptoms or just a result of the symptoms. Either way, he has been having a very tough time of it the last few months. Of course, it gets me frustrated sometimes because I am not the most patient person, and having a fuzzy-headed newlywed husband can get pretty stressful. I know being sick isn't his fault, but it does put quite a bit of a burden on me when I am not generally the healthiest person in the world myself. I try to just be supportive, but I am definitely not perfect at it. The latest theory we have is that he had some fillings removed earlier this year, and he possibly could have gotten mercury poisoning which would cause all the symptoms he is experiencing. The other possibility is Parkinsons disease. His dad just reminded him that his great grandfather had Parkinson's. I am really hoping that it is mercury poisoning over Parkinson's though. I was trying to get him into the doctor Friday afternoon, but no one would see him. He didn't feel up to waiting in the Emergency room for hours to get seen - to probably be told that they wouldn't be able to run any of the tests until Monday anyway. So, I am driving him to the doctor early in the morning (Monday). He is scheduled for a spinal tap which I have heard can be excruciatingly painful. My poor honey. If they can't figure out what is wrong by doing testing, then he will need to be checked into a hospital, or we may have to go up to Duke so they can figure out what is going on. So we have been praying that he will feel better soon. I guess I wish this wasn't how we had to spend the first few months of married life. I will definitely stay true to my vows in sickness and in health, but I guess we all would wish that we didn't have to be tested right away. Mike is a sweetheart, and I just feel so helpless that I can't make him feel better. Overall, we are happy and love each other. He asked me the other day if I would have married him if he was having all of these problems before we got married. I told him of course. I am still lucky to have him even if times are a little tough right now.

The Real Crisis

I cried so hard last night, and it wasn't about the election. I was crying because of the shear meanness and anger that so many people have toward one another. I see more and more evidence of bitterness and/or apathy, and I don't know if it is because I am getting older or because the world is just progressively getting uglier. Thanks to the anonymity of the Internet, people have forgotten that respect is a virtue. And after some get accustomed to being nasty at the comfort of their keyboards, they grow more easy being that way in crowds and then so with individuals.

There is no use in being mean. None. Somehow being nice has become equated to weakness. One can be strong and resolute without being caustic and cruel. It seems like everything society worships are the things Jesus reviled. It takes more strength to be humble than to overflow with pride. It takes more courage to be wrongfully rebuked without retribution than it does to lash out in revenge.

I cried because I was so sad for humanity. I wanted to just love everyone so hard and all at once in some attempt to quell the hatred that seems to ooze so easily and out of no where. As if I were somehow important enough to get heard long enough to say, hush, just be nice, love one another, respect one another, comfort one another - or just be quiet. If they actually listened, would there just be silence?

I know I am an idealist to the core, and that will never change. I would rather die than turn stoic and cynical. I continue to seek the good in people and refuse to believe that anyone is a lost cause. I refuse to believe that changing the world is up to someone else and not up to me. I take the crises of humanity personally, but I don't know if it is me who is flawed or those who don't mourn personally for the loss of the moral character of each and every one of us. I don't know.

82% of Statistics are made up on the spot . . .

Some issues with the 90% statistic referring to McCain voting with Bush:
-The majority of Senate votes are unanimous consent votes
-Obama leaves out 2005 when McCain only voted with Bush 77% of the time
-Based on the same comparison, Obama votes with the Democratic party 97% of the time, rarely showing bipartisanship. On the other hand, McCain has voted with his party (since 1987) only 83% of the time.

77% for a Republican voting with Republicans seems reasonable to me. Obama has voted with Bush about 40% of the time and Biden 52% of the time, and they are Democrats. And when they say McCain voted with Bush 90% of the time, that only includes 22% of the votes during Bush's presidency. I agree that the term "Maverick" is a marketing ploy that is getting annoying, but the fact that McCain has shown bipartisan leadership is noteworthy. Democrats made up 55 percent of his political partners over the last two Congresses, including on the tough issues of campaign finance and global warming. For Obama, Republicans were only 13 percent of his co-sponsors during his time in the Senate, and he had his biggest bipartisan successes on noncontroversial measures, such as issuing a postage stamp for Rosa Parks.

Dell Complaint

**** UPDATE ******

In all fairness to Dell, after we wrote and sent them this letter, they allowed us to return the laptop. They said it would take 30 days for the refund to go through, so we are still waiting for that. So, the moral of the story is, write to customer service- don't bother trying to talk to one of the customer service reps over the phone. I don't think they have the autonomy to issue refunds and are impossible to talk with.

**** UPDATE ******

Michael Dell
Dell Corporate Headquarters
Dell Computer Inc.
One Dell Way
Round Rock TX 78682

“It's through curiosity and looking at opportunities in new ways that we've always mapped our path at Dell. There's always an opportunity to make a difference.” –Michael Dell

Michael Dell/Customer Service:

As an IT professional, I have been a loyal Dell customer for over six years; my last four laptops have been Dell. I purchase a new laptop approximately every 2-3 years, and that system is usually close to the top-of-the-line available on the market. My husband is also an IT professional and has purchased numerous Dell products. In the past, we have been very happy with your product and your customer service.

We recently purchased a Dell XPS M1530 on 8/25/2008 which we received on 9/9/2008. We previously contacted Dell because we were unhappy with the glossy display, and they told us that they couldn’t help us. Today, 9/28/2008, we contacted Dell because the hard drive failed, and the computer will no longer boot properly. Overall, we are extremely dissatisfied with the system and would like to replace it with a different Dell system. However, we were informed that we could not return the system because the 21 days from invoice date (9/5/2008) had expired (by two days). It has been less than 21 days since the receipt of the laptop (9/9/2008 – 9/28/2008). We received an email confirming purchase of the system on 9/6/2008, but at no time did we receive a document that was entitled “Invoice.” Since the term invoice is ambiguous and the dating of the invoice is rather random, it only makes sense to honor the return based on when the system was signed for and received. Furthermore, Dell should handle this problem because a brand new laptop hard drive should not fail within the first month after it was built.

You are about to lose a loyal customer of six years over a dispute of two days. I am losing valuable data and software applications due to Dell’s poor product quality of this particular system. We have invested a lot of time and money getting this laptop up to working condition, and now all that is going to waste.

I am also unhappy with your level of customer service. Previously, when I dealt with Dell customer service, they were always able to help me resolve my problem. Now, all I keep hearing is no and why nothing can be done. Your representatives have difficulty understanding even basic issues that we want resolved because of language barriers, and we keep getting put on hold and passed around to the next representative because no one takes the accountability to do the right thing. That is unacceptable.

I would like to see the Dell I used to know come back and remedy this situation. I switched from IBM brand laptops to Dell because of an IBM customer service failure with a lemon of a laptop. I encouraged family, friends, and colleagues not to buy IBM ThinkPads (while they were still on the market) due to my experience. I don’t want this to happen with Dell because of my experience with the new XPS M1530. I am actually typing this letter on my old laptop, a Dell Latitude D610. If this issue is not resolved, I will be filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau and Consumer Affairs. And, I will no longer be a Dell customer. I would like to continue my relationship with Dell as a loyal customer, but I would like to see that Dell is still loyal to its customers as well.

“Our business is about technology, yes. But it's also about operations and customer relationships.” – Michael Dell

Sincerely,
Pamela Karr Wisniewski


**** UPDATE ******

In all fairness to Dell, after we wrote and sent them this letter, they allowed us to return the laptop. They said it would take 30 days for the refund to go through, so we are still waiting for that. So, the moral of the story is, write to customer service- don't bother trying to talk to one of the customer service reps over the phone. I don't think they have the autonomy to issue refunds and are impossible to talk with.

**** UPDATE ******

Reasons

Reasons to be thankful.

Mike. He is absolutely and completely wonderful. He loves and supports me in everything I do. I came home upset the other day, and he canceled his meetings at work to take care of me. He is sweet and intelligent and is always there for me.

Max. My new little nephew. He is completely adorable, and he makes me excited about the kids Mike and I will have in a few years.

My mom. I probably talk to her on the phone at least once a week. Although we have a rocky past, I completely just love her and want her to be happy. I love talking to her and sharing my life with her. I have learned to appreciate the good things that make her her. She is funny and a warm person. She works really hard, and she loves her daughters very much.

The animals. I am never alone. I just turned around, and sure enough Scuro is laying on the ottoman behind me. Sometimes it is Ra snoring on the floor or the wiggle-Ru waiting at the foot of the stairs to greet me. They are all beautiful and have adjusted pretty well to living together.

God. Mike and I pray together at night, and we just have to thank God for all the blessings he has given us. I don't think we could have ever found one another without Him. I look back at some of the obstacles in my life, and I realize that God was letting me go through them to shape me into the person I am now. He has always brought people into my life at the right times to keep me going.

Friends. I am not the most social person, but I have soo many friends. They might not even be people I talk to for years, but I know there are people I could call right now who would be there for me if I needed them. It is the fact that people care. There is a connection. No matter how busy everyone gets, there is acknowledgment of existence and mutual love.

Alternatives. Even though I have struggles right now, I am not painted into the corner. The world is a blank canvas, and I just have to decide what I want to do with it. So many people don't have options because something limits them in some way or another. It is good to know you have multiple positive choices even when you don't know which one is the right one to choose.

What to Say

I think all the time. My mind never really shuts off. Some people think I share too much on my blog when they don't realize that there is a lot that I don't share as well. I am usually most inspired to write when feeling sad and lonely because I feel like it is a way to connect to someone else even if they aren't in the room with me. Other times, I just blog because I get antsy. A lot of my deeper thoughts and emotions don't make it onto my blog by design.

So what is life all about?

Family. Family is pretty good right now. I saw Lisa's family and the extended family while in San Francisco. I last saw mom in May and Kim and Tony in January. I talk to my mom probably about once a week. My family has never been that close-knit (maybe the relatives in SF, but not us on the East coast). Nothing really bad is happening right now, so we are all just kind of going along with the ride. I really want to see mom for Thanksgiving, but she is being stubborn.

Friends. I miss my friends in Florida. I don't have any really, really close friends in Charlotte. It is good to get out and socialize with people every now and then though. In general, I like people. I care about them. I like helping them and seeing them happy.

Goals. I have been busy with work and side work and research this summer. As always, I have too many things to do. I am a bit stressed about qualifying exams coming up this or next semester. Other than that, everything is pretty much right on track. I sometimes wish I had more time to focus on my PhD studies, but I enjoy the work I do as well. I don't know what I would do with all the extra time if I was just working on my PhD. I am still up-in-the-air about what I am going to do when I graduate. I still have some time but not much to decide. I am presenting at a conference in Colorado during the beginning of August.

God. I haven't been going to church all that regularly. Francis and I went when he was in town, and that was nice. It would mean a lot if Mike went to church with me, but I understand why he is hesitant because he spent his whole life going to Catholic school. I pray every day almost even if I don't make it to church every week. God is good.

Health. I have had some ups and downs with my health lately. I need to lose some weight and exercise now that some of the more stressful health issues seem to have fallen along the wayside. I sleep a lot. I love naps. I am taking Lipitor for my cholesterol.

Cats. They are perfect as always. Scuro's 9th birthday is coming up in August.

Home. I love my house. It is usually neat and uncluttered. I haven't been home as much as I am used to lately, however. Chris and Amber have been alternating staying here in Charlotte and in High Point for the last 4 months or so. I still want to do some home improvement projects, but they seem to keep falling to the bottom of my list.

Love. After thinking you have everything going for you in this department, you start to be less optimistic than you were in the past. Mike and I are doing well, I think. He is taking me to see Kim and Tony for my birthday. We are hoping to take a trip to Savannah and meet up with my mom and Watson for a weekend in September. I have briefly met his mom and sister. He is finally getting used to having a girlfriend around. I am finally talking less about Mark all the time. I think we are both scared sometimes, but things are on the right track. We just have to make sure we don't let our caution ruin something that is really good. Neither one of us want to get hurt.

Money. I can't complain here. I have money saved up in the bank, and I am doing pretty well for a PhD student. I get a little stressed that I am not saving more for retirement, but I don't let it bother me too much.

Future. Well, for those of you who know me, I am a planner. I know pretty much what to expect for the next year, but after that I have no idea. The unclear roadmap makes me anxious, but it is pretty much unavoidable. If I don't sell my house before 2010, my mortgage interest rate is going to adjust which will suck. I should be done with my PhD in about a year and a half. Qualifying exams need to be taken either in September or next January. Other than that, I don't have any impending milestones. However, I will be 30 in less than 3 years . . .

Somethings I would like to do in the near future:
-Spend more time getting to know Mike's mom
-Have Ru meet Ra and Scuro
-Go to Carowinds
-See mom
-Get my lightning claim squared away
-Hang out with Matt and Amy
-Travel abroad
-Get published in a journal

Fragile

One of the beauties of this complex world is that dichotomy can be juxtaposed.

For instance, to be humble and to serve require more discipline and fortitude than pride and leadership.

I, for one, am full of contradictions. I am fragile, but I am strong. In some ways, my ability to allow myself to be vulnerable has taught me more strength than walling myself off from the world ever would. I am doubtful which has increased my faith. I am thankful I did not grow up in a church because blind faith would not have been as strong as the faith I currently have in God.

So as life goes on, I am learning more and more about the intricacies of what it means to be human and how within all this confusion things become more clear. And within all the contradictions, a consistency can be found.

Solitude

Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone.

If we want to be loved, we aren't allowed to be sad. It pushes people away. They don't want to hear why you hurt. People tend to want to fix things, and they become drained when they feel like they can't fix you. So depression comes not only with sadness but also a deep sense of lonliness. Any time you have someone hold you and they let you cry, for some reason, they lose respect for you. They distance themselves from you. That is one reason so many people learn how to compartmentalize and just hold it all in. Because if you don't, you push people away, when all you need is that connection with others, a respect and understanding. A presence of someone who cares, who doesn't abandon, who doesn't leave, who is there. They don't have to do anything or solve anything, they just have to be. But that's too hard. You can't tell people what you need. You have to trick them into giving it to you by acting like you don't need it. And if you can't play the game, you won't win.

I am sitting here alone crying. I am sad and lonely. I am tired and hurting. No one quite understands. I am broken. We all are, but not in the same ways. I crave true understanding. I want people in my life who get me, love me, and let me be me. I just want to know I can be loved just as I am. I change every day. I have gotten better and better over the years. I want to be loved and not abandoned even in my failures. I don't want everything to be so hard all the time. I don't want it to be a constant struggle for things to be good. I am tired of always having to be strong. I want unconditional love and support, to know I am not alone. I want it to be okay to be me. I am tired of being abandoned, mistreated, taken for granted, ignored, and misunderstood. I am tired of never being quite important enough to come first. Where is my Father? God, where are you? I am supposed to have a relationship with you, but you never taught me how to feel something that is intangible. You can be there all you want, but I simply can't feel you. I try so hard.

Broken

We are all broken. I haven't found one whole person. Along the way, something - abuse, parents' divorce, physical ailments, cheating partners, broken hearts, war, death of loved ones, personal failures - whatever it is warps some part of how we react to this world and each other. And we all seem to want others to understand and love us anyway for our brokenness, but we don't want to give anymore of ourselves to accept and deal with the brokenness of another. So in many cases, relationships are ephemeral because we can only take so much of other people and can never run away from ourselves. You get what you need for a time, but when they start to disappoint, you move on. It is a lonely way to live. Confusing.

Anyway, I went to the mall today and got 3 pairs of capri pants and a pair of shorts, averaging about $18 per item. I didn't end up going to the Antique Show with Mike and his mom. I came home and made Pam-style fajitas - steak, portabella, sour cream, cheese, and tortilla. Then I took a nap. I am about to hop in the shower to try to get rid of this headache.

Things I have to get done this weekend:

-Come up with deliverable deadlines for summer internship work, DONE
-Reorganize notes, read documentation, DONE
-Research project charter/business case best practices, DONE
-Literature review on technology dependency, DEFERRED
-Literature review on occupational stress and other antecedents of technology crowding, TO DO

Next weekend, I am going camping with some friends at Lake James. Jim brought his jet ski, Dana brought 10 kayaks, and Matt brought his boat last year. I am not sure if anyone is going to bring any water-going vessels this time. I hope so.

I am in the mood to paint some more walls in my house now that Bennett has fixed the tub, and I have touched up the ceiling. The patio is looking good after preparation for the cook out. I would like to get hardwood floors throughout the livingroom, but I think that might be too expensive right now. Been trying to do some maintenance in the yard, but I don't get as much enjoyment out of that.

Oh, by the way, here is my schedule until the middle of August or so:

Monday: Work 9 AM - 5 PMish
Tuesday: Work 9 AM - 5 PMish
Wednesday: Meet with advisor, research day
Thursday: Work 9 AM - 5 PMish
Friday: Internship Work 8:30 AM - 5:30 PMish

Ugh!

Horror movies are so insanely stupid. Ugh, I can't stand it. Could these people be any stupider? Geez. We are watching The Hitcher; it completely sucks. I don't say that about many movies. Amber wanted to watch a scary movie, but I keep ruining it for her with my Mystery Science Theater-like comments. Getting sleepy, but hopefully the movie will be over soon.

On-Demand

We are becoming an on-demand society where we don't have to wait for any of the things we want. Tivo gives us whatever TV show we want on demand. Our iPods let us listen only to the music we want to hear right now. The Internet gives instant sexual stimulation. We can almost instantly get a date through on-line dating. Restaurants give us access to pretty much any food that we want right after we crave it. So we are used to wanting, seeking out, and consuming whatever it is we desire on-demand.

The problem is that the things that are most important in life don't come on-demand. We have to wait. We have to compromise. We don't get exactly what we want right now, and we get upset. We have been spoiled, spoiling some of the better things in life that we could of otherwise had if we didn't demand instant gratification exactly in the way we envisioned it.

God has a plan bigger and better than anything we could have thought of for ourselves. However, instead of waiting for it to unfold, we try to make our own plans, disregarding God and everyone else. We have become a self-centered, selfish society.

Locus of Control

We internalize negative things and externalize positive things. When a guy gives me the silent treatment, it must be my fault (internalizing blame). When I get good grades, it was because the course wasn't difficult (externalizing accomplishments). So it becomes a never-ending cycle of feeling badly about ourselves.

One thing I know is that no matter who you are, you deserve to be respected. No one deserves ridicule, lies, mistreatment, neglect, etc. Therefore, this kind of disrespect falls judgment on the person who is being disrespectful instead of the one who is being disrespected.

I value the people in my life who are respectful toward me. Sometimes honesty hurts, but that's okay. Life hurts, love heals. We all disappoint one another eventually, but the nature of the hurt matters. I have hurt people maliciously, because of cowardice, unknowingly, and lovingly - all very different things. Respecting someone does not require always meeting their expectations. It means letting them down with integrity.

So thank you to those who love me enough to respect me. I am going to make a conscious effort to respect the people in my life. I think I can commit to treating others well, without condition. I would rather fail trying than succeed not.

All Things Good

I believe in God and love. I believe people can change for the better. I think that God does answer prayers. True love does exist. Marriages can work; spouses can be faithful. Love can be forever. Humans were meant to be monogamous. Animals are all good. Old wounds can heal. Dreams can come true. Although we can't have everything, we can have the things we truly need. Revenge is never the answer. We can learn from our mistakes. Silver linings do exist. Most things happen for a reason. People truly do care. Life has meaning. Friends can be forever. There is a Heaven. We are meant to take care of each other. There is good in this world. You can find beauty in most things. It is okay to laugh at ourselves. We are all special. We all deserve to be understood. No one is meant to be miserable. God loves us. We get more from loving others than being selfish. It is never too late. Second chances do exist. We can learn to trust again. God doesn't give us more than we can bear. Life is beautiful. Relationships are worth it. Never regret loving. People mean more than things. We all could use a hug. We are all connected somehow. Life is about the journey and the destination. It is okay to be wrong sometimes. Obstacles build character. We all have a purpose. Persistence does pay off. Truth is better than lies. No one is a lost cause. We can all make a difference. Reason and emotion can co-exist. Family is important. We can all capture a childlike innoncence. Laughter is good for the soul. Comfort is available. We are never completely alone. Kindness can always be found. There is always hope. Good will prevail over evil.

Absence

According to Lord Byron, absence is the common cure for love. I guess that is pretty true. You can love someone from afar, but you can't be in love with them. People are meant to be in relationships, and relationships imply a presence in one another's life. The best part of being with someone is being there for each other. Without that, what is the point?

No one can have everything. That is why we have to decide what is most important to us and pursue those things, with passion and persistence. Be there for the people that are important to you. Make no excuses.

Sweet

I like being sweet to guys I like. I like letting them know they are special and doing thoughtful things - even sometimes when they don't reciprocate. That's just how I am; it gives me joy. The problem is that everyone will tell you you are supposed to play hard to get or else you will be taken for granted (then, not so joyful anymore). I guess guys tend to think they must be too good for you if you treat them well. Shouldn't they instead think, wow you are an awesome catch because you know how to treat someone well? I guess women do that too. You see people every day chasing after the man/woman who treats them like crap instead of the other one who treats them like gold. Is that just part of the human condition trying to make sure we stay miserable?

Hide

Sometimes I just want to hide under a rock and never come out. Sometimes it doesn't matter how good you are or how hard you try. Sometimes life just hurts. There is no such thing as fairness. Things don't even out in the end.

Having a bad day. I have to just suck it up because I have to finalize a paper tomorrow which is a pretty big deal. I don't have time to be depressed right now.