Not back as in "back in business," but just a general update on my back. I underwent surgery for a L5-S1 back herniation on 8/3/2010 (yes, 5 days before our 2 year anniversary). It was a tough decision to make, but after a year, the second MRI looked the same as the first. I even consulted my chiropractor who believes that surgery is never the answer, and he said I should go for it.
They said that the surgery should take about 45 minutes, but mine took about 2 1/2 hours. Thank God, I have no recollection of any of it, but it did leave Mike starving and nervous in the waiting room. The doctor told us that it was an extremely large herniation that looked pretty old - as in the scar tissue had healed around the herniation where it punctured the membrane. In addition, the herniated disc had fused itself to my nerve so he had to separate the two. He told us that I am at a higher risk for reherniation since since the herniation was so large - meaning the hole in the membrane was bigger than normal. He advised me to take it easy so that scar tissue could form over the membrane.
So, I have been in bed watching TV for most of the time since surgery. Don't ask me how many Law and Order SVU or Royal Pains or House or NCIS marathons I have watched. I have also been heavily medicated with hydrocodone, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories. Trips out have consisted of searching for back accessories - such as a rolling backpack for my laptop, L-shaped back pillows, comfortable shoes, and I have even broken down against my fear of needles to go to my friend Tom for acupunture.
I can't really say how well I am healing yet. The first day, my leg was really tight (my calf felt like a constant Charlie Horse). The second day I had crazy muscle spasms (which Tom's acupunture and suggestion to drink Pedialite seemed to remedy). The third day my whole back around my incision felt like a big bruise . . . that reminded me of poor Ra when I had to get his tail amputated . . . he had a huge bruise on his little stub. The fourth day through now, I don't quite remember all the details, but the bag of symptoms include nausea, blurry vision, leg pain, hives (don't ask me how that one fits in), and foot numbness. Overall, I can't complain EXCEPT I seem to have lost some muscle strength in my right calf that gives me a definitive limp and nearly prevents me from walking down stairs. It is like - pretend you are doing "toe-up" exercises to strengthen your calves. Well, I can't even get my right foot off the ground no matter how hard I could try. Left foot, no problems.
So, I was a little depressed today second guessing my decision to go through surgery. I am just frustrated with not knowing the right answers or finding or even knowing who and how they can help. Maybe I am a little vain, but walking with a limp and the thought of my right leg atrophying seems worse then constant pain in my hips and consistent sciatica. At first out of surgery, I had a positive outlook. From what he found in there, there was no way that disc was going to heal on its own over time. However, I am praying that the muscle weakness will go away as my nerve heals, but I am scared that it might not.
Part of me is kicking myself for not addressing the problem sooner. I probably herniated the disc in 2005 when I was moving to Charlotte. That is when my back first started going out. It became chronic pain after I was hospitalized with colitis in 2009. At that time, I tried physical therapy, steriod epidurals, anti-inflamatories, etc. I just got tired of all the doctors and nothing helping. Besides, Mike was seeing twice as many doctors as he was only recently diagnosed with CVID a few months ago. His condition was more serious than mine, so at $20 a pop (minimum for co-pay and not even to mention all the lab tests), I took a hiatus from seeing doctors. I don't regret that.
I swear that our health insurance company would be better off taking the risk of hiring a hit man than paying our medical bills. They have been trying any way they can to deny having to pay for Mike's treatments that cost $6,000 a month. Luckily, Mike fixed the problem when they dropped him. Now they want him to switch to a different distributor. Hopefully, that won't cause more problems.
So far, CVID is the best diagnosis we have gotten for Mike. It feels like progress that he at least has a treatment now even if it is insanely expensive. We have seen moderate results. He hasn't been getting sick as often from bacterial infections like sinus infections, etc. His myoclonic jerks have gone away along with the headaches. Thanks God. However, his lymph-nodes have been hurting him which is cause for concern because of the correlation between CVID and certain types of Cancer. He went to talk to a surgeon this week, and they are talking about doing surgery to biopsy one of his lymph-nodes. We are back and forth, "oh, maybe it is nothing," but ultimately, I think he needs to get the test done because if it is a type of Cancer early detection is very important.
Mike is stressed by work, but he can't really leave because he can't afford to lose health insurance with all this stuff going on. He has been doing a great job at work this quarter pushing deals through. He got a decent commission check, and I am proud of him. His project right now is re-doing the master bathroom. At first, it was because of a potential mold problem. Then we realized that the mold problem wasn't as bad as first anticipated (after spending $400 on air quality testing). Now, I think it is just his pet project. He has already teared out the closet walls and has kept things remarkably tidy. Yet construction has been halted with everything going on recently. It's okay, I couldn't fit most of the clothes in the closet anyway. :-)
This is going to be a busy semester for me. I am slated to defend my proposal this semester. One Godsend is that I have changed topics from the evil Geoviz to looking at how people set interpersonal boundaries within their online social networks. My advisors have looked out for me as far as funding goes, and I am also very thankful for that. I will be teaching two sections of web application development at UNCC this fall. I will have about 60 students total. I have been working on developing the curriculum and the class schedule this week. However, I have to be careful because sitting up is the worst possible thing for my back recovery right now. I have been looking at zero gravity recliners and kneeling chairs at Relax the Back, but man are they expensive! We bought a laptop pillow desk thingy which is what I am using to type this blog from bed as we speak. I have affectionately named my new bed pillow "Ellie." (aka the L-shaped pillow)
On a more positive note, we had a great trip to Alaska which was kind of our anniversary present to ourselves. At first, I was bummed because the cruise-line kind of sucked and it was foggy. But things cleared up, we saw whales, went mushing, and things looked up from there. We also joined a small group at our church and have met some new friends. Overall, I can't complain because Mike and I have many friends here in Charlotte and scattered all over the place. We aren't the most social people in the world, but we do cherish our friendships. The Fergusons next door are a really nice older couple to check in on us pretty regularly. Larry brought over some chicken casserole and peach cobbler. He also left a pair of waders by the front door which in some people's lives would seem strange. Of course, we have an explanation. We helped him go to a Buddhist monastery to get lotuses and plant them in the pond. Well, after two months, we all realized that lotuses were pretty invasive so Mike had to pull them back up and replant them in big garbage cans. Duck raising (sometimes chasing via kayak) and pond maintenance, just another normal day. :-)
Scuro, Ru, and Carrera are doing well. We have mice and ants living in the garage so Scuro's food is on the dining room table. Shoot, we never even eat at the dining room table. She is the fancy, spoiled kitty, but well-deserved. She just turned 12 years old this month. Alas, they discontinued her favorite bobble. We tried a few different replacement bobbles, but she has been impervious (is that the right word?) to our attempts.
Okay, I have started doing a William Faulkner stream of consciousness here so maybe my meds are kicking in. See what happens when I am stuck at home and made to rest? I haven't blogged in ages. Eh, blogs are out and micro-blogging is in. No wonder we are all ADD these days. I will drink my Pedialax (Pedialite + Miralax, Mmmm mmm), and probably watch some tv, listen to a relaxing hypnosis CD (but not whilst driving), get mashed by the Scuro, and drift to sleep. Good night. Sweet dreams.
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label prayers. Show all posts
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Sunday, March 07, 2010
Lent 21 Days before Easter
Okay, we just watched the Fast Forward for Lent (Mike laughed at me when I thought it was spelled Lint) from our church Meck. We are trying to decide what we will give up for 21 days to glory God. So, here is what we are coming up with:
1) No television except music channels (not MTV). Mike thinks it was a sign that our Logitech Harmony remote was dropped and broken by our cleaning people. The one caveat Mike wanted to add was if there was some kind of emergency happening we could watch the news. One other stipulation I will add is no TV streaming from the Internet either. That includes YouTube.
2) Pray before every meal. This is something I have always wanted to do but have been really bad at especially in public because it feels kind of embarrassing. So, since it is hard, it needs to be added to our list.
3) Table salt. Mike couldn't give up salt "as an ingredient" since he HAS to follow every recipe to the tee. So we compromised on giving up any additional added salt.
Okay, so that sounds like a start!
1) No television except music channels (not MTV). Mike thinks it was a sign that our Logitech Harmony remote was dropped and broken by our cleaning people. The one caveat Mike wanted to add was if there was some kind of emergency happening we could watch the news. One other stipulation I will add is no TV streaming from the Internet either. That includes YouTube.
2) Pray before every meal. This is something I have always wanted to do but have been really bad at especially in public because it feels kind of embarrassing. So, since it is hard, it needs to be added to our list.
3) Table salt. Mike couldn't give up salt "as an ingredient" since he HAS to follow every recipe to the tee. So we compromised on giving up any additional added salt.
Okay, so that sounds like a start!
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Now I Law Me Down to Sleep
God, I sincerely want to do your will in my life, but man is it hard sometimes! Just wanted to ask for your help with some of my struggles:
First, I get confused about what exactly it is you want me to do. I see the guidance from the Bible - love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. However, in practice in my own life sometimes it is ambiguous as to what exactly that means. Sometimes it isn't that I want to be disobedient, it is just I don't know what they heck I should be doing.
Second, I get hurt. When I try to do something loving or sacrificial, inevitably it seems like Satan finds a way to make it an uphill battle. Conventional wisdom then teaches me that I should become bitter, guarded, and self-protecting instead because no one likes getting hurt. As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive and give my other cheek when I get slapped on the first. There is no way I can do that on my own. I don't have the strength of Jesus to be able to live a perfect life, be condemned, and still die to save others because of unconditional love. I guess sometimes I just want to pray for strength because this world can be such an ugly place. On one hand I genuinely want to help people because I really do care, but on the other hand sometimes I feel myself isolating myself from people because they can be down right mean. So I feel like I love people and want to hide from them at the same time.
Third, society defines success so much differently than the Bible. To be successful, it is about personal achievements, power, money, strength, independence, self-indulgence, etc. It is like the world turned Jesus's teachings upside down. You strive to be first, not last. when the Bible says that it is in our weakness that we are strong because of our reliance on God, the world condemns any sign of weakness. Apologies are signs of weakness. So as the world has become this on-demand, materialistic, individualistic thing - it seems like it just tears people apart. Give me what I want now. Don't get in my way. Put yourself first. There is no need to compromise. Marriage vows seem to have a convenience clause. Relationships are fragile and broken so easily between co-workers, friends, family, etc. While we expect to be forgiven, we allow very little room for others to make mistakes. Stay at home mothers aren't respected because they can't (or choose not to) multi-task their children and a lucrative career. People feel worthless because they can't find a job - when did a career become synonymous with self-worth? People encourage you to choose your own personal enrichment over forming deep connections with others - at sometimes making sacrifices that have no personal benefit to you. So basically, I get torn between the things that matter to me and the things that matter to me that matter to me because of what other people think. I am not going to lie and say that I don't care how the world perceives me. I like praise. I like others to think I am smart and successful. I grew up leanring that you had to be perfect to be loved. That doesn't get untaught overnight. So sometimes I feel my heart strings pulling me toward stuff that matters more to me than the "Bitch-Goddess Success' (quoting DH Lawrence), I still find myself feeling guilty when I don't measure up to her yardstick.
Fourth, sometimes my physical health just gets in the way of all the things I want to do to glorify you. I get tired, exhausted, depressed, achy, anxious, and just generally blah. I am only 29 years old, and I have too many health problems for my age. I have wonderful ambitions and great ideas but sometimes just not taking a mid-afternoon nap seems like a miracle. when Jesus was on earth, was he limited by his physical body? It is hard to separate me from my physical confines even though my soul really does have the desire to do more. I don't remember many stories in the Bible about ill people doing great things. In fact, most of the stories I remember have to do with Jesus healing believers. So either there is something I am missing or maybe I just don't have strong enough faith. However, even in the Bible, the man with the sick son prayed for his healing by exclaiming . . . "I believe, help my disbelief."
And fifth, it is just so hard to understand the intanglible. I am supposed to be living for something better in Heaven, but I can't imagine something that I have never seen, experienced, or could probably never begin to wrap my mind around - and the Bible even says that I could never understand your master plan for us. It would be like Ra (my not-so-smart but completely loving cat) being expected to understand every nuance of why I do what I do on a daily basis to make sure he is safe. Although he loves running out the garage door, I know he would be no match for the fox that we found in our yard the other day. Okay, so maybe not the best metaphor, but I am sure you understand me better than I understand you - and that's pretty much the point. I can choose to believe many things, but there are a lot of things that I just don't get. While sometimes it is good enough for me to just have faith that you have it figured out and be glad that it isn't up to me to have all under control, the Bible is full of contradictions and generalities that simply just don't have the feel of a Dummy's guide to life. I can't believe that a child growing up in some remote third world country who never heard the Gospel and accepts Jesus as Lord goes to Hell when he or she dies. In some ways, I am a very practical person. I sponsor a Compassion child in Bolivia, and it bothers me that her letters are all just about "May you be blessed in the Lord Jesus Christ and I will pray for you a thousand times a day." I want her to learn how to read. I want her to learn a trade so that she can help her family move out of poverty. I do believe that you alone nourish us, but you do it through means other than just yourself. If that weren't the case, there should have never been an earth. There should have just been a huge thrown where we could just all worship instead of fellowship 24 hours a day. No need for food, money, or each other. Reminds me about some joke I heard about a man stranded in a flood on his roof waiting for you to save him . . . but I am sure you have heard that one before.
While I know that this may sound like a disrespectful prayer, instead I hope that you see that it is a thoughtful one. Instead of praying about loaves of daily bread and what it seems like I should pray for as a good Christian, I am bringing you the things that are really on my heart. I am asking for your help to my real struggles because I definitely know that I cannot solve them all on my own. Typically I write my prayers down because when I say them in my head I tend to trail off into thinking about something completely unrelated. It helps me to be more focused and honest with myself and with others along with being more respectful to you because I am not thinking about trivial things like what to wear tomorrow or that thing I forgot to do that I really need to remember to add to my list. And I don't want you to think I am missing the important parts of my daily prayers such as being thankful and asking for forgiveness. I am very thankful for so many things in my life. And I know I have sinned and will continue to sin and need to ask your mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis. I just can't sink into a shallow mindset and not have these types of questions, and I really don't think that you are the type of God who would want that. So here I am at three in the morning as honest as can be. There is a song I really like; the words go something like, "God, move, or move me." I guess that is kinda what I am saying here. God, you do it.
First, I get confused about what exactly it is you want me to do. I see the guidance from the Bible - love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. However, in practice in my own life sometimes it is ambiguous as to what exactly that means. Sometimes it isn't that I want to be disobedient, it is just I don't know what they heck I should be doing.
Second, I get hurt. When I try to do something loving or sacrificial, inevitably it seems like Satan finds a way to make it an uphill battle. Conventional wisdom then teaches me that I should become bitter, guarded, and self-protecting instead because no one likes getting hurt. As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive and give my other cheek when I get slapped on the first. There is no way I can do that on my own. I don't have the strength of Jesus to be able to live a perfect life, be condemned, and still die to save others because of unconditional love. I guess sometimes I just want to pray for strength because this world can be such an ugly place. On one hand I genuinely want to help people because I really do care, but on the other hand sometimes I feel myself isolating myself from people because they can be down right mean. So I feel like I love people and want to hide from them at the same time.
Third, society defines success so much differently than the Bible. To be successful, it is about personal achievements, power, money, strength, independence, self-indulgence, etc. It is like the world turned Jesus's teachings upside down. You strive to be first, not last. when the Bible says that it is in our weakness that we are strong because of our reliance on God, the world condemns any sign of weakness. Apologies are signs of weakness. So as the world has become this on-demand, materialistic, individualistic thing - it seems like it just tears people apart. Give me what I want now. Don't get in my way. Put yourself first. There is no need to compromise. Marriage vows seem to have a convenience clause. Relationships are fragile and broken so easily between co-workers, friends, family, etc. While we expect to be forgiven, we allow very little room for others to make mistakes. Stay at home mothers aren't respected because they can't (or choose not to) multi-task their children and a lucrative career. People feel worthless because they can't find a job - when did a career become synonymous with self-worth? People encourage you to choose your own personal enrichment over forming deep connections with others - at sometimes making sacrifices that have no personal benefit to you. So basically, I get torn between the things that matter to me and the things that matter to me that matter to me because of what other people think. I am not going to lie and say that I don't care how the world perceives me. I like praise. I like others to think I am smart and successful. I grew up leanring that you had to be perfect to be loved. That doesn't get untaught overnight. So sometimes I feel my heart strings pulling me toward stuff that matters more to me than the "Bitch-Goddess Success' (quoting DH Lawrence), I still find myself feeling guilty when I don't measure up to her yardstick.
Fourth, sometimes my physical health just gets in the way of all the things I want to do to glorify you. I get tired, exhausted, depressed, achy, anxious, and just generally blah. I am only 29 years old, and I have too many health problems for my age. I have wonderful ambitions and great ideas but sometimes just not taking a mid-afternoon nap seems like a miracle. when Jesus was on earth, was he limited by his physical body? It is hard to separate me from my physical confines even though my soul really does have the desire to do more. I don't remember many stories in the Bible about ill people doing great things. In fact, most of the stories I remember have to do with Jesus healing believers. So either there is something I am missing or maybe I just don't have strong enough faith. However, even in the Bible, the man with the sick son prayed for his healing by exclaiming . . . "I believe, help my disbelief."
And fifth, it is just so hard to understand the intanglible. I am supposed to be living for something better in Heaven, but I can't imagine something that I have never seen, experienced, or could probably never begin to wrap my mind around - and the Bible even says that I could never understand your master plan for us. It would be like Ra (my not-so-smart but completely loving cat) being expected to understand every nuance of why I do what I do on a daily basis to make sure he is safe. Although he loves running out the garage door, I know he would be no match for the fox that we found in our yard the other day. Okay, so maybe not the best metaphor, but I am sure you understand me better than I understand you - and that's pretty much the point. I can choose to believe many things, but there are a lot of things that I just don't get. While sometimes it is good enough for me to just have faith that you have it figured out and be glad that it isn't up to me to have all under control, the Bible is full of contradictions and generalities that simply just don't have the feel of a Dummy's guide to life. I can't believe that a child growing up in some remote third world country who never heard the Gospel and accepts Jesus as Lord goes to Hell when he or she dies. In some ways, I am a very practical person. I sponsor a Compassion child in Bolivia, and it bothers me that her letters are all just about "May you be blessed in the Lord Jesus Christ and I will pray for you a thousand times a day." I want her to learn how to read. I want her to learn a trade so that she can help her family move out of poverty. I do believe that you alone nourish us, but you do it through means other than just yourself. If that weren't the case, there should have never been an earth. There should have just been a huge thrown where we could just all worship instead of fellowship 24 hours a day. No need for food, money, or each other. Reminds me about some joke I heard about a man stranded in a flood on his roof waiting for you to save him . . . but I am sure you have heard that one before.
While I know that this may sound like a disrespectful prayer, instead I hope that you see that it is a thoughtful one. Instead of praying about loaves of daily bread and what it seems like I should pray for as a good Christian, I am bringing you the things that are really on my heart. I am asking for your help to my real struggles because I definitely know that I cannot solve them all on my own. Typically I write my prayers down because when I say them in my head I tend to trail off into thinking about something completely unrelated. It helps me to be more focused and honest with myself and with others along with being more respectful to you because I am not thinking about trivial things like what to wear tomorrow or that thing I forgot to do that I really need to remember to add to my list. And I don't want you to think I am missing the important parts of my daily prayers such as being thankful and asking for forgiveness. I am very thankful for so many things in my life. And I know I have sinned and will continue to sin and need to ask your mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis. I just can't sink into a shallow mindset and not have these types of questions, and I really don't think that you are the type of God who would want that. So here I am at three in the morning as honest as can be. There is a song I really like; the words go something like, "God, move, or move me." I guess that is kinda what I am saying here. God, you do it.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Our Prayer List
Grandma Berry - recently had a Pacemaker put in
Aunt Cheryl - soon to have brain surgery
Buddy Cook - fighting Cancer
Robin Schronce - soon-to-be mom
Max, Connor, Stephen, Cameron, Aidan, Alannah- new babies! (I am sure I am forgetting someone)
Mom and Watson - quitting smoking
Rachael - generally surviving high school
Daniel, Alexi, Joe, Liz - some of the many who are looking for new job opportunities
Jackie - settling in to her new house
Mike - still having bad headaches
Kourtney, Ann, and Hubbies - getting married this weekend (two separate couples, Las Vegas and Chicago)
Undisclosed friends and acquaintances - having relationship struggles, health issues, money problems, etc.
Aunt Cheryl - soon to have brain surgery
Buddy Cook - fighting Cancer
Robin Schronce - soon-to-be mom
Max, Connor, Stephen, Cameron, Aidan, Alannah- new babies! (I am sure I am forgetting someone)
Mom and Watson - quitting smoking
Rachael - generally surviving high school
Daniel, Alexi, Joe, Liz - some of the many who are looking for new job opportunities
Jackie - settling in to her new house
Mike - still having bad headaches
Kourtney, Ann, and Hubbies - getting married this weekend (two separate couples, Las Vegas and Chicago)
Undisclosed friends and acquaintances - having relationship struggles, health issues, money problems, etc.
Philippians 4:6
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.Sunday, December 02, 2007
Prayer for Me
Please God, let my research model be good, my presentation go well, and most of all, please help me get it done. Amen.
Monday, November 05, 2007
Prayers
Dear God,
Thank you for all you have given me. You have been more faithful than I could have ever imagined. Mike went to sleep tonight feeling unwell, so please take care of him so that he feels better in the morning. He should be getting an offer on his house tomorrow, so I ask that you make it a good arrangement for both parties involved. Please help him make the right decisions because it is an important decision in our lives. I also ask that you alleviate the stress my mom feels at work. She deserves to enjoy work since she works so hard. Please look after her and Watson's health. Also, please help Michele with the difficulties she has been having at work. Please let Ra's nose heal quickly. I think he burnt it on Marvin, the space heater. Teach Ra, Scuro, and Ru how to get along and live together happily. Make sure Kim has a healthy pregnancy. There are so many people in my thoughts that I don't have enough time to pray for them individually. However, you know their deepest needs better than I do. Please just continue to look after us all.
Through Jesus, I pray, Amen.
Thank you for all you have given me. You have been more faithful than I could have ever imagined. Mike went to sleep tonight feeling unwell, so please take care of him so that he feels better in the morning. He should be getting an offer on his house tomorrow, so I ask that you make it a good arrangement for both parties involved. Please help him make the right decisions because it is an important decision in our lives. I also ask that you alleviate the stress my mom feels at work. She deserves to enjoy work since she works so hard. Please look after her and Watson's health. Also, please help Michele with the difficulties she has been having at work. Please let Ra's nose heal quickly. I think he burnt it on Marvin, the space heater. Teach Ra, Scuro, and Ru how to get along and live together happily. Make sure Kim has a healthy pregnancy. There are so many people in my thoughts that I don't have enough time to pray for them individually. However, you know their deepest needs better than I do. Please just continue to look after us all.
Through Jesus, I pray, Amen.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Thank you, God
Life is so awesome. This is the best time in my life, and I am so thankful that God has given me all these things he has. I heard some really exciting news from Kim and Tony tonight, and I am so happy for them! Mike and I are doing really well. Life is good; God is good! My biggest challenge right now is not letting myself worry about how things could possibly go wrong.
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Week's Middle
Tomorrow is Wednesday which means I will be on campus from 11 AM - 9 PM. Ick. I didn't get my data analysis done today like I had hoped I would. I will try to get up in the morning and do that. I was able to return the Walmart umbrella that came with the patio set. It was the wrong color. It was pretty funny because I had to put down the top on my car to get the thing in it.
Chris bought speakers for the patio today, but we haven't been able to figure out how to get them to work with the receiver. Muhammed is my AV guy, but he is in bed with an out-of-whack back. Hopefully he will be back on his feet soon (said with actual concern, not selfish intent).
Life is good. It doesn't feel good sometimes, but it really is. Thank you, God, for all you do and are. Every day has a new lesson.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Three Horned Problem
In research, there is something known as the three-horned problem. Research can eith be strong in two of generalizability, realism, or precision but not all three. A similar case occurs in industry - you can only get two of cheap, fast, and good. Basically, the phenomena here is that when you are high on two of the outcomes, you are inherently low on the third.
Does this apply to life?
Healthy, wealthy, and wise
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
Success, happiness, purpose
Love, happiness, success, control, security, peace, respect . . .
What would the three dimensions of life's three horned problem be?
One of the over-arching themes of life is that you first have to let something go to obtain something more worthwhile. The Bible, for instance, wants us to completely surrender ourselves in order to be saved. In love, you must let yourself be vulnerable to find a love that actually matters. To find true peace, you must let go of the notion that you have control over life. So we are giving up something to get what we have always needed or wanted. However, sometimes we can't seem to let go of whatever it is that isn't getting us what we want.
If the world weren't so complex, we would have gotten bored and given up long ago. There is a lesson in every day and every person you meet. Amen!
Does this apply to life?
Healthy, wealthy, and wise
Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness
Success, happiness, purpose
Love, happiness, success, control, security, peace, respect . . .
What would the three dimensions of life's three horned problem be?
One of the over-arching themes of life is that you first have to let something go to obtain something more worthwhile. The Bible, for instance, wants us to completely surrender ourselves in order to be saved. In love, you must let yourself be vulnerable to find a love that actually matters. To find true peace, you must let go of the notion that you have control over life. So we are giving up something to get what we have always needed or wanted. However, sometimes we can't seem to let go of whatever it is that isn't getting us what we want.
If the world weren't so complex, we would have gotten bored and given up long ago. There is a lesson in every day and every person you meet. Amen!
Sunday, April 08, 2007
Happy Easter!
Jesus proved that through God, all things are possible! Happy Easter everyone. Sending my love to all those I can't spend Easter with this year. Also for those celebrating Passover this year April 2 through April 10th, Happy Passover! No matter what, God is good.
Amen!
Agape,
Pam
Amen!
Agape,
Pam
Saturday, March 17, 2007
More Pirated Materials
This is someone's definition of love that I found:
The commitment to knowing someone in every possible
way -to falling in love with more than the idea - more
than the ideal - to see the day to day partner -
recognize when they're crazy and when they're sane,
when they seem close and far - to support their growth
and change as your own - and to continually pray that
they share the same commitment - to falling in love -
and out of love - over and over - amen.
The commitment to knowing someone in every possible
way -to falling in love with more than the idea - more
than the ideal - to see the day to day partner -
recognize when they're crazy and when they're sane,
when they seem close and far - to support their growth
and change as your own - and to continually pray that
they share the same commitment - to falling in love -
and out of love - over and over - amen.
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Lacking Faith
Most things in life come with a bipolar opposite. I struggle with a lack of faith, but the reason I believe in God is this: When I am at my lowest point, I pray. When all my other resources have been exhausted, I still turn to Him. I don't just give up and kill myself. Somewhere it says something in the Bible like "God's strength is made perfect in our weakness." I think that is it. So in my strength, I tend to doubt. In my weakness, I still have faith.
Not sure why I decided to write about that, but that is what came out of the tips of my fingers this early morning before I go back to bed.
God, I just pray for your strength for myself and for others. We are a lost and desperate world trying to be strong when really we need to rely on you. Help us follow your path to avoid the pain and suffering we would otherwise find. Don't just love us; take care of us. Through Jesus, Amen.
Not sure why I decided to write about that, but that is what came out of the tips of my fingers this early morning before I go back to bed.
God, I just pray for your strength for myself and for others. We are a lost and desperate world trying to be strong when really we need to rely on you. Help us follow your path to avoid the pain and suffering we would otherwise find. Don't just love us; take care of us. Through Jesus, Amen.
Friday, February 16, 2007
I Don't Understand, Am I Supposed to?
5 As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
(So, if we have figured out the wind and how a baby is formed in a mother's womb, should we also understand the workings of God?)
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
But they do not know
the thoughts of the LORD;
they do not understand his plan,
he who gathers them like sheaves to the threshing floor.
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
(I don't even understand if I am supposed to understand or not . . . ?)
or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
(So, if we have figured out the wind and how a baby is formed in a mother's womb, should we also understand the workings of God?)
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
8 I heard, but I did not understand. So I asked, "My lord, what will the outcome of all this be?"
9 He replied, "Go your way, Daniel, because the words are closed up and sealed until the time of the end. 10 Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand.
a people without understanding will come to ruin!But they do not know
the thoughts of the LORD;
they do not understand his plan,
he who gathers them like sheaves to the threshing floor.
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
"Those who were not told about him will see,
and those who have not heard will understand."[a] 22This is why I have often been hindered from coming to you.
Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
(I don't even understand if I am supposed to understand or not . . . ?)
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Stone Mountain
I had an eventful yet not so productive weekend. On Saturday, I went hiking at Reedy Creek with CHOA and Kevin. Later in the evening, I met Jay up in Elkin. We got up this morning and went to Stone Mountain and went hiking. We saw Stone Mountain Waterfall which was really pretty. Then we went to RagApple Lassie Vineyard and did a wine tasting. I bought a bottle of dessert wine which was the only one sweet enough for me. I drove home and am really sleepy. My legs are sore in kind of a nice way from the inclines of the hikes.
I have a meeting on campus tomorrow with my professor to talk about the research I have yet to do. I need to wake up early tomorrow and get that done. I am still missing my center. I guess I have never really had one. Some days I feel fine and others I feel like I am going to die. I wish God was more tangible. I want Him to show up at my door and hold me. Strengthen me.
God, I pray for Jay. He is a good man. Please show him that he is worthy of love from a women who truly loves him instead of just needing him. Now that he is done with his PhD, please help him find the family that he has been searching for. Bless him with a good wife and some kids. Amen.
I have a meeting on campus tomorrow with my professor to talk about the research I have yet to do. I need to wake up early tomorrow and get that done. I am still missing my center. I guess I have never really had one. Some days I feel fine and others I feel like I am going to die. I wish God was more tangible. I want Him to show up at my door and hold me. Strengthen me.
God, I pray for Jay. He is a good man. Please show him that he is worthy of love from a women who truly loves him instead of just needing him. Now that he is done with his PhD, please help him find the family that he has been searching for. Bless him with a good wife and some kids. Amen.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
Love
If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. John 15:19
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10
Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:10
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:2
Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:21-23
Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7
Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves. Romans 12:10
Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:10
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 1 Corinthians 13:2
Do everything in love. 1 Corinthians 16:14
22But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Galatians 5:21-23
In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. Ephesians 5:28
This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. 1 John 3:16Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. 1 John 3:18
Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. 1 John 4:7
Monday, January 29, 2007
God's Example
After talking some with my counselor today, she asked me who taught me how to love, give, and support as deeply as I do. She said there had to be a role model who showed me how to do that or a relationship that I learned it from. At first, I was taken back because I couldn't figure out where I would have learned it from; I just loved. Then I realized that I haven't always loved this deeply.
I answered that I learned it from God. Without other examples, I looked to the Bible and realized that God is love. I explained Ephesians to her how it described the groom and the bride like Jesus and the church. She submits to and worships him, but in turn, he would lay down his life for her.
I told her how I have been told in the past that I am too idealistic, and she asked me if I thought I was too idealistic. I replied that the world would be a much better place if people stuck to their ideals.
I answered that I learned it from God. Without other examples, I looked to the Bible and realized that God is love. I explained Ephesians to her how it described the groom and the bride like Jesus and the church. She submits to and worships him, but in turn, he would lay down his life for her.
I told her how I have been told in the past that I am too idealistic, and she asked me if I thought I was too idealistic. I replied that the world would be a much better place if people stuck to their ideals.
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Strength
For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. 1 Corinthians 1:25
Monday, January 22, 2007
Spiritual Gifts
Couldn't sleep. Just took a spiritual gifts test on-line. Says my spiritual gifts are: mercy, hospitality, wisdom, discernment, helps, leadership, serving, knowledge, and administration. My spiritual gifts are not: healing, evangelist, financial giving, craftsmanship, or faith.
Micah 8
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Zechariah 9
'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.
James 2
Mercy triumphs over judgment!
I hear Ra snoring in the living room. Scuro has returned to bed.
God, please increase my faith and have mercy on me. I pray for you to meet all of our needs. Amen.
Micah 8
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.
Zechariah 9
'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.
James 2
Mercy triumphs over judgment!
I hear Ra snoring in the living room. Scuro has returned to bed.
God, please increase my faith and have mercy on me. I pray for you to meet all of our needs. Amen.
Wednesday, January 17, 2007
Whole or Hole
Why is it that when you need help, it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you? Why do people immediately assume that you need to be fixed if you have problems? None of us need to get fixed. We were made to be imperfect. God created us with holes in our hearts; he did not create us whole. We need him and each other to be whole. We all need help.
I struggle with this myself. I try to hide my weaknesses, but maybe I should just admit to them instead. My counselor suggested I file with the student office of disabilities for my battle with depression. Even though most of the time, I keep it in check, there are times I really can't handle all that life throws at me. And that is okay. It has thrown a whole heck of a lot my way. Maybe this way, I will have some more resources available to me when I need them instead of after the fact. I try to cover it up because I don't want people to think I am a failure, but maybe if I just admit to it up front, then the times when I do fail, people will be more forgiving. I know that I am intelligent, and I have worked very hard. I am trustworthy and capable of more than most. And this is me admitting to my weaknesses. I hope I can be loved anyway.
Praying continually,
Pam
I struggle with this myself. I try to hide my weaknesses, but maybe I should just admit to them instead. My counselor suggested I file with the student office of disabilities for my battle with depression. Even though most of the time, I keep it in check, there are times I really can't handle all that life throws at me. And that is okay. It has thrown a whole heck of a lot my way. Maybe this way, I will have some more resources available to me when I need them instead of after the fact. I try to cover it up because I don't want people to think I am a failure, but maybe if I just admit to it up front, then the times when I do fail, people will be more forgiving. I know that I am intelligent, and I have worked very hard. I am trustworthy and capable of more than most. And this is me admitting to my weaknesses. I hope I can be loved anyway.
Praying continually,
Pam
God is Good
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6
God, thank you for being there for me no matter what. You have never turned your back on me. I know I am not perfect, but you accept me anyway. You are awesome. Because I know you love me, I have grown so much in the last few years. I give more, love deeper, and am a stronger person. You have shown me how to love myself as well. I am confident in who I am. You have made me a better person. I like me. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel ashamed of myself. You have forgiven me for my sins. Thank you. Through Jesus, I pray, Amen.
God, thank you for being there for me no matter what. You have never turned your back on me. I know I am not perfect, but you accept me anyway. You are awesome. Because I know you love me, I have grown so much in the last few years. I give more, love deeper, and am a stronger person. You have shown me how to love myself as well. I am confident in who I am. You have made me a better person. I like me. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel ashamed of myself. You have forgiven me for my sins. Thank you. Through Jesus, I pray, Amen.
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