Now I Law Me Down to Sleep

God, I sincerely want to do your will in my life, but man is it hard sometimes! Just wanted to ask for your help with some of my struggles:

First, I get confused about what exactly it is you want me to do. I see the guidance from the Bible - love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. However, in practice in my own life sometimes it is ambiguous as to what exactly that means. Sometimes it isn't that I want to be disobedient, it is just I don't know what they heck I should be doing.

Second, I get hurt. When I try to do something loving or sacrificial, inevitably it seems like Satan finds a way to make it an uphill battle. Conventional wisdom then teaches me that I should become bitter, guarded, and self-protecting instead because no one likes getting hurt. As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive and give my other cheek when I get slapped on the first. There is no way I can do that on my own. I don't have the strength of Jesus to be able to live a perfect life, be condemned, and still die to save others because of unconditional love. I guess sometimes I just want to pray for strength because this world can be such an ugly place. On one hand I genuinely want to help people because I really do care, but on the other hand sometimes I feel myself isolating myself from people because they can be down right mean. So I feel like I love people and want to hide from them at the same time.

Third, society defines success so much differently than the Bible. To be successful, it is about personal achievements, power, money, strength, independence, self-indulgence, etc. It is like the world turned Jesus's teachings upside down. You strive to be first, not last. when the Bible says that it is in our weakness that we are strong because of our reliance on God, the world condemns any sign of weakness. Apologies are signs of weakness. So as the world has become this on-demand, materialistic, individualistic thing - it seems like it just tears people apart. Give me what I want now. Don't get in my way. Put yourself first. There is no need to compromise. Marriage vows seem to have a convenience clause. Relationships are fragile and broken so easily between co-workers, friends, family, etc. While we expect to be forgiven, we allow very little room for others to make mistakes. Stay at home mothers aren't respected because they can't (or choose not to) multi-task their children and a lucrative career. People feel worthless because they can't find a job - when did a career become synonymous with self-worth? People encourage you to choose your own personal enrichment over forming deep connections with others - at sometimes making sacrifices that have no personal benefit to you. So basically, I get torn between the things that matter to me and the things that matter to me that matter to me because of what other people think. I am not going to lie and say that I don't care how the world perceives me. I like praise. I like others to think I am smart and successful. I grew up leanring that you had to be perfect to be loved. That doesn't get untaught overnight. So sometimes I feel my heart strings pulling me toward stuff that matters more to me than the "Bitch-Goddess Success' (quoting DH Lawrence), I still find myself feeling guilty when I don't measure up to her yardstick.

Fourth, sometimes my physical health just gets in the way of all the things I want to do to glorify you. I get tired, exhausted, depressed, achy, anxious, and just generally blah. I am only 29 years old, and I have too many health problems for my age. I have wonderful ambitions and great ideas but sometimes just not taking a mid-afternoon nap seems like a miracle. when Jesus was on earth, was he limited by his physical body? It is hard to separate me from my physical confines even though my soul really does have the desire to do more. I don't remember many stories in the Bible about ill people doing great things. In fact, most of the stories I remember have to do with Jesus healing believers. So either there is something I am missing or maybe I just don't have strong enough faith. However, even in the Bible, the man with the sick son prayed for his healing by exclaiming . . . "I believe, help my disbelief."

And fifth, it is just so hard to understand the intanglible. I am supposed to be living for something better in Heaven, but I can't imagine something that I have never seen, experienced, or could probably never begin to wrap my mind around - and the Bible even says that I could never understand your master plan for us. It would be like Ra (my not-so-smart but completely loving cat) being expected to understand every nuance of why I do what I do on a daily basis to make sure he is safe. Although he loves running out the garage door, I know he would be no match for the fox that we found in our yard the other day. Okay, so maybe not the best metaphor, but I am sure you understand me better than I understand you - and that's pretty much the point. I can choose to believe many things, but there are a lot of things that I just don't get. While sometimes it is good enough for me to just have faith that you have it figured out and be glad that it isn't up to me to have all under control, the Bible is full of contradictions and generalities that simply just don't have the feel of a Dummy's guide to life. I can't believe that a child growing up in some remote third world country who never heard the Gospel and accepts Jesus as Lord goes to Hell when he or she dies. In some ways, I am a very practical person. I sponsor a Compassion child in Bolivia, and it bothers me that her letters are all just about "May you be blessed in the Lord Jesus Christ and I will pray for you a thousand times a day." I want her to learn how to read. I want her to learn a trade so that she can help her family move out of poverty. I do believe that you alone nourish us, but you do it through means other than just yourself. If that weren't the case, there should have never been an earth. There should have just been a huge thrown where we could just all worship instead of fellowship 24 hours a day. No need for food, money, or each other. Reminds me about some joke I heard about a man stranded in a flood on his roof waiting for you to save him . . . but I am sure you have heard that one before.

While I know that this may sound like a disrespectful prayer, instead I hope that you see that it is a thoughtful one. Instead of praying about loaves of daily bread and what it seems like I should pray for as a good Christian, I am bringing you the things that are really on my heart. I am asking for your help to my real struggles because I definitely know that I cannot solve them all on my own. Typically I write my prayers down because when I say them in my head I tend to trail off into thinking about something completely unrelated. It helps me to be more focused and honest with myself and with others along with being more respectful to you because I am not thinking about trivial things like what to wear tomorrow or that thing I forgot to do that I really need to remember to add to my list. And I don't want you to think I am missing the important parts of my daily prayers such as being thankful and asking for forgiveness. I am very thankful for so many things in my life. And I know I have sinned and will continue to sin and need to ask your mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis. I just can't sink into a shallow mindset and not have these types of questions, and I really don't think that you are the type of God who would want that. So here I am at three in the morning as honest as can be. There is a song I really like; the words go something like, "God, move, or move me." I guess that is kinda what I am saying here. God, you do it.