Solitude

Laugh and the world laughs with you; weep and you weep alone.

If we want to be loved, we aren't allowed to be sad. It pushes people away. They don't want to hear why you hurt. People tend to want to fix things, and they become drained when they feel like they can't fix you. So depression comes not only with sadness but also a deep sense of lonliness. Any time you have someone hold you and they let you cry, for some reason, they lose respect for you. They distance themselves from you. That is one reason so many people learn how to compartmentalize and just hold it all in. Because if you don't, you push people away, when all you need is that connection with others, a respect and understanding. A presence of someone who cares, who doesn't abandon, who doesn't leave, who is there. They don't have to do anything or solve anything, they just have to be. But that's too hard. You can't tell people what you need. You have to trick them into giving it to you by acting like you don't need it. And if you can't play the game, you won't win.

I am sitting here alone crying. I am sad and lonely. I am tired and hurting. No one quite understands. I am broken. We all are, but not in the same ways. I crave true understanding. I want people in my life who get me, love me, and let me be me. I just want to know I can be loved just as I am. I change every day. I have gotten better and better over the years. I want to be loved and not abandoned even in my failures. I don't want everything to be so hard all the time. I don't want it to be a constant struggle for things to be good. I am tired of always having to be strong. I want unconditional love and support, to know I am not alone. I want it to be okay to be me. I am tired of being abandoned, mistreated, taken for granted, ignored, and misunderstood. I am tired of never being quite important enough to come first. Where is my Father? God, where are you? I am supposed to have a relationship with you, but you never taught me how to feel something that is intangible. You can be there all you want, but I simply can't feel you. I try so hard.