Time for Change

I don't let many people in because I am so terrified of getting hurt. Then when I do let someone in, I give so much because I don't want to get hurt. But then I give too much, and I get really hurt. I don't think I really trust anyone anymore. I feel hopeless and alone. I am unhappy. Years of disappointments have left me empty. No ones fault, but I am empty. It is time for me to make some drastic changes.

Tomorrow or Monday, I think I am going to talk to my boss and quit my job. I have been trying to find ways to make my life manageable, and I keep telling myself that I have to keep working. I am going to ask Chris tomorrow to see how long he plans to live here. He is a great roommate, and I hope he isn't planning on leaving. Financially, I need my job, and it is the best opportunity I could have ever found. However, I have to do something to change things, and I simply don't have the time to do it. I need the time to take care of myself and to cultivate people in my life who I am truly connected with and I can really trust. I know there have to be people out there who can be there for me, but I can't expect that to just happen.

I need to reconnect with the people I know already love me. Joel is coming to visit in March. I am trying to plan a trip to visit Ann for Spring break. I am going to lunch with a friend I lost touch with that I had met when I first moved to Charlotte. Instead of hiding from my friends here, I am going to ask them to be here for me. I tend to hide when I am not doing well because I feel like I can't help anyone else so I am useless to be around during these times. I am going to go through my contact list and delete the people who aren't real friends and call the people who are, even though I have lost touch with them.

I need to follow my passions in life. I am going to get my PhD and teach. I am going to write a book. I am going to volunteer more often. I am going to make a difference somehow. I know that in some ways, I already have. I want to do more. I am going to love my family. I am going to take care of my body. I am going to pursue God. I am going to love so hard that one day someone will love me back just as much. I know my blog sounds like a desperate cry for help lately. It probably is.