C/A=s are expert chameleons because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever you are and need in order to - use you for whatever purpose they need you for. They are, indeed, the best sales people and con artists on the planet. We seem to have a built-in need for whatever it is they peddle. We need to lose that need. They don’t always repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically - draw you closer and closer and closer very, very quickly. Kind of like a spider or snake injecting their prey with something that paralyzes them before they eat them. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life.
1. C.A.'s looks for victims with the following characteristics: low self-esteem, a past with a lot of trauma, neediness, fairy tale type thinking, maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree), and a history of relationships with men who were not healthy, had a troubled home life growing up and a bit of a “bad boy”..
2. They listen intently to you, give you a great deal of attention in the beginning and coax you into telling them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams quickly. They rapidly assimilate from this - what kind of camouflage to weave for you. You basically - tell them - what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you.....while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes.
3. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of protector and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning.... They look for the red flashing lights and become a ready-made ally for you in every way. If you are a single mother, he might all too quickly become super-dad, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect. If you have trouble with your family, he then becomes the high and mighty voice of – She’s under MY protection now, you go through ME. What abused woman wouldn’t want that, right?
4. They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. C.A.’s know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. C.A.’s know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug of comfort for you. It’s almost like heroin for some women who have been abused, especially if they were sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant “microwave push-button” sort of way - that they are wanted, worthy, beautiful and valuable. Your radar will be come almost instantly disabled and that’s the point.. Exactly what a burglar would do who snips the wires to the phone and alarm system before entering the house to steal valuables and whatever else. You have to see and be aware of this kind of disarming “when” it is happening.
5. He listens to what you tell him about - how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the very same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don’t recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then may do the same thing but disguises it differently. Isn’t as overt about it, takes a more covert kind of tactic. He may just drop little hints - constantly, but in such a way that you can’t really call him on it. He knows that if he did it the same way, you’d run instantly because everything is so fresh with you from your last encounter. He waits, like a snake or insect does, waits for the initial paralyzing poison to take affect, for the slow drip of it to poison you and you never noticing because it’s not – in your face. .
6. He’s always calling you when you’re supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of - are you really alone, and where were you? Of course this is all because he misses you so much and can’t live without you. It’s hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn’t really blatant about it in your book and it’s followed by intensive love-making and trying to shower you with everything you want in a man. This is blatant, but you don’t recognize it as that. Red flags wave, you walk by them. He takes full advantage of your cloudiness and neediness and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it - for what it is. You’ll be more inclined to just blow it off and look at the other times when he’s Mr. Wonderful. We play the game of greater and lesser offenses. If he made great love to you the night before.......then that might be worth oh, maybe two weeks of pure hell or mind-games.. Sooner or later, their abuse is – your fault. You caused it by not being what they need or not understanding them better, or because you don’t love them enough, etc., etc. “Prove you love me, baby”. Geez, you could be on that ferris wheel for the next twenty years, right? Bad thing is – the carrot just keeps on moving and you never touch it.
6. C.A.’s will capitalize on your need - to be needed in their life and your need of them. You may be a very independent woman when they meet you, but that can change very quickly, once they make themselves the center of your universe. Very important move and positioning on their part. They know you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be needed by them. Yes,.....they do need you, for something - for a season, it’s called narcissitic supply. If you don’t know what a narcissist is, please look it up. Basically, it’s all about them – ALL the time and the only reason you are in their life is because you provide power that they run their life on and with. So, consequently, in their mind – it’s a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you. Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a - fair trade. It never is. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you - whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it’s like any other sales contract. If you don’t read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it’s buyer beware and your tough luck. A deal’s a deal and you pay them with very high interest should you ever want free. You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But.....your projection, regardless of how much you believe it.....doesn’t ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale.
Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need - to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. That man is larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically - using a child’s mind. If they betrayed you, neglected/abandoned you, rejected you, or abused you in any way - you are apt to make excuses for them and any important male figure standing in a position of authority in your life. At least until you heal, realize that this was “about them” and not about you and that a little girl’s mind made some very serious decisions about how the adult woman would conduct her life. Until this is examined and until the little child stops driving the car, you will continue to drive your car in a ditch and into a tree.
A grown-up version of this - is when a woman will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and constantly second-guess their own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. It’s so natural and automatic to think and feel with that little girl’s mind in this scenario and not ever question why. Whereas in other areas of your life - you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.
One really good reason for this is that - when certain traumas and hurts occur in our life as a child, sometimes it’s so intense that it literally stops or majorly stunts that person’s emotional maturity. So you might have an adult later in life that is say 30 years old and emotionally speaking, may only be 10. That’s why so many women are perplexed at feelings that come out and surface and they feel like a child and don’t know why. Yet, they have a good job, can function okay in other realms of their life, so this really is confusing for them. Actually when you apply this equation to things, it makes things quite clear. No, it’s not impossible to grow that side of you up, but it’s hard work and requires perseverance, courage and dedication to “yourself”.. You first have to acknowledge what is – before you can fix it. Identify the problem, dare to see the truth..
I’ve seen grown women afraid to drive and not understand why they freak out when they get in heavy traffic and sometimes have anxiety attacks. I simply ask them, so now that we know you basically shut down emotionally around 10 years old, how do you think a 10 year old little girl would feel behind the wheel of a car during rush hour? Then the light bulb goes on and they go - OMG, that’s so true! That’s exactly how I feel in that situation!! But that analogy doesn’t just stop there. You can apply it to a lot of things. Why is it that you may shut down during an argument with your C/A and not be able to defend yourself verbally and want to curl up into a ball instead, and yet, you can go to work and be just fine in other areas of confrontation and discussion. One is dealing with the emotional side of you and the other is dealing with the analytical side of you. One is A LOT younger than the other one.
The younger one may be looking at the man in her life, a lot like the child looked at her father. If they can just make this man love them, if they can just make them proud of them, if they can just change them, fix the old problem that was broken way back when, then maybe, they can finally have some peace in their lives. Abused children all too often believe the failure of their parents is all their fault, so if they can pick a man that will be the person in the skit that helps them work this out once and for all, they might just out of this the Victor this time. I’m sad to report, I’ve never seen this one work. Sounds good in theory, but it flops miserably in application.
7. C.A.’s need you to quickly put them into your inner circle - whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soulmate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as - being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where “you really live” kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial! You’re like-minds now, remember? Accuse them, accuse yourself. Think about this one - very hard. It is one of the worst snags that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately yanked. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc.
They become – your ALL and POOF you’re sucked in hook, line and sinker and you’re also very stripped of all your defenses, your strengths and very, very isolated with them. They are inside your sanctuary and castle walls with you. Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you - the best. And why wouldn’t they? A predator - knows his victims - very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. We need to study them as well. It’s called - playing offense instead of defense. Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do their homework regarding you. Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake in character. One of the biggest stumbling blocks with women is that they cannot get past this. They should have known better, and this man is like me, I just know he is, if I judge him, I’m judging myself, etc., etc. For one, you have every right to “judge and discern” what comes into your life and gets very close to you. People frown on “judging” but I call it a very necessary survival tool. It’s basically just critical thinking. Learn to love it, not hate it.
8. C.A.’s do NOT respect you as a woman or as a person - at all....BUT....they will go to great lengths to convince you - they do. They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Look at what I’ve got here! Just remember that I use the word “quickly” a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you’re wonderful and all that – isn’t necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens - very quickly and when it’s - Overkill. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click - if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck. Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run - take time. If it’s too fast and too good to be true – guess what?
9. C.A.’s don’t have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and get charmed, so this ball game can get underway. A lion after a gazelle knows to first go for the young and naïve, or the wounded one. They only have so many calories to burn and if they have to chase and chase their prey, they starve to death. Predators count on - your need to get instantly stroked all the way around - as their “in”. This is your blind side and they go right for it. They make you feel like a princess early on and get you eating out of their hand. You will ultimately also become the dog they kick when they feel a little pain or discomfort or don’t get their way about something. It’s confusing to you because how could someone so wonderful suddenly turn on me like this!!!??? It must be my fault! That’s the child thinking, with no real analytical process involved at all. Only emotion and old wounds behind the steering wheel. A predator expends what he considers his precious energy on getting you charmed and hooked fast. That’s work for them, so at some point, they will demand all that hard work back with interest and more than not their prey will spend some time in total disbelief. I’m here to remind you to “wake up” very fast and react.
10. They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It’s called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to - how much she is needed by a man, or how much she can “down” the competition. They are basically saying to you - here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I’m waiting...! And that’s just what an abuse victim loves to hear.....and C.A.’s deeply know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic. It’s second nature.
11. C.A.’s hit you hard and heavy and isolate you. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise that with - I just have to be with you because I can’t get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of what you need them to be. It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need you to be tuned into - just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.
Like any teacher in any classroom - they have to have your undivided attention in order to teach you what they want you to learn. So, they don’t want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else’s read on them. Someone who isn’t blind to them - will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that cloudy zone as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically, dependent on them in some way, and are providing them with what they need so you feel needed by giving. They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard - you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood - in order to keep this realm of importance that you’ve got going on here. They count on you - to do just that. They load the gun for you and you pick it up and use it. That way - their hands are clean. You did their dirty work - for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most. They did absolutely nothing and if you say so – you’re a crazy woman!
12. They use circular reasoning on you a lot. They know how to trap you in debate and find the places in you where you shut down, feel guilt, or feel sorry for them. They find what works and spin you effectively. You just have to find out - what it is they do. One thing that I’ve noticed with a few people in my own life is that they never would say they were sorry for anything. Instead, they say something more along the lines of...I’m sorry “you” took what I said that way or I’m sorry you feel like that. But it never came out of their mouth that they were actually sorry for anything in particular. They would avoid that one and you would miss it because you’re so trained to think everything is your fault and you have to run harder and faster, faster. Or it’s a thing of if I really push this then they can put the pressure on me in this area, or cut me off, or draw blood for me over here. So I have to negotiate this. How easily do we really notice when negotiation and compliance and looking over things - becomes a tyranny?
There are the ones that say - I’m sorry Babe. like it was a push button response with no meaning attached to it whatsoever because it never becomes action. It was just something said to appease you. The words came out but where were the actions that back it up?
13. They expect you to be all-seeing and all-knowing when it comes to their moods and their feelings and their thoughts about things. You are just expected to be all over that one and super sensitive to them. And YET, when they walk all over YOUR feelings, you don’t see them even blink twice as to what they just did to you or how they just ripped your heart out. You’re just too sensitive and not a good sport or not tough enough. There’s no empathy going on with these people. But oh how they expect it of you when it comes to YOU being tuned into their every ripple of emotion. You need to be very intuitive to them but you never see it back from them to you UNLESS it’s when they are trying to figure you out, check up on you or trying to con you about something, THEN they are oh so sensitive and read you like a book or try to.
14. C.A.’s desensitize and numb their victim. They wear them out with endless mindgames and circular reasoning. Being very weary and tired and confused is a very bad state of mind to be in with a predator. Exhausted, made dependent on their predator, now accepting one crumb of bread as sufficient food between mental, emotional, psychological or physical batterings, or a combination of all four – they render you helpless and without strength enough to fight effectively. Sometimes, because of your situation, all you can muster is one good spurt of well-planned and executed energy directed like a laser beam in the direction of your freedom. You may not be able to maintain gaining strength for any length of time. So this may be your best plan. Conserve, lay your plan well, use your best strengths, cut your losses, and establish in your own mind what is absolutely the most important things. What you can live with and what you really can – live without.
One thing you “can” live without is someone else telling you who you are, what you are about, what should or should not stroke your real ego (preferably a healthy one) and that you have to “make a deal” with the likes of them to get your cookie that now costs $10 when it used to cost – 5 cents. Sometimes the best way out of the forest is walking a straight line, no more circles, a very light backpack on your back and a very strong will to ensure your own safety and those who depend on you – as the only thing that matters or is – of value. We can never pick up a tool in life and use it, that we don’t have a weapon (your critical thinking mind) in the other hand that says – I am discerning your every move. You respect my boundaries and we’re just fine. The minute you cross them, we’re not okay.
15. Lastly, but definitely not the least of the red flags is – anyone who doesn’t like children or animals, is uncomfortable around them is someone that is just “off” my personal list of getting into my inner circle. It’s proved to be extremely true in that – you are more likely dancing with a person who knows nothing of empathy. They may mimick it, they may have children or pets that are more like accessories, but where is the true feeling attached to what they proclaim? If you don’t really “feel that”, all I can say is RUN.
1 comment:
There's a lot of truth in there.
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