I realized that I put on this intricate facade where most of the time people don't really know who I am or how I am really feeling even though on the surface, it looks like I am completely open. And the thing is, I don't even realize when I am doing it half the time. Kirk recently mentioned that I have a "picture face" whenever I pose for pictures. Not intentionally, this is a well rehearsed posed. I look happy and calm in nearly all my pictures. I have all these crazy dreams at night, and I wake up with break through ideas sometimes. I think I have learned to supress a lot of my deeper emotions because I was taught they were bad or I would get punished for them. Sometimes they surface, and I completely panic because I don't know how to handle them. Most of the times, I keep them at bay, and they just overpower me at night when I am most unguarded.
Scuro is my guardian angel. God sent her to me to take care of me. I am sure of it. She has been through so much with me so maybe she is the only one who really understands. It is my job to protect and love Ra and Scuro for the rest of their lives. They are my angels. God recently sent Mark an angel too. I am so thankful for them!
I have to be up and working in a few hours, so I better try to get back to sleep.
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