I work from home tomorrow, and I have to pack for my cruise. I am excited and a little nervous at the same time. Eight whole days on a cruise ship. Boy, I hope I don't get sea sick. Mike is giving me a ride to the airport, and I think Kirk is giving me a ride back home. I don't want to leave my car at the airport because it cost me something like $70 last time I did that. Mike might have to drive my car because I don't know if all my luggage will fit in his tiny porsche. Reminds me of Kim and Tony and their tiny trunks. Now, when my car is considered roomy, then you know there is something wrong.
My class did software demo presentations today, so I just got to sit back and listen. Now, I have a huge stack of papers to grade. I guess I did that to myself though. Other professors just give scantron exams, but I know my students are learning a lot more by doing these assignments. So, in the end, it is worth it.
I think I am only going to be able to get one research project submitted to the AMCIS conference instead of two, but I guess that will be okay.
Joel is picking me up from the airport. Then he and I are going to meet Liz for dinner. Ann flies in later that night. Joel is driving Ann and I to Ft. Lauderdale. I have to figure out travel details like where Ann and I are going to stay Friday night. Mere details. I want to see Pedro, Jamie, Melanie, Adam, Francis, Dave, and whoever else I can while I am in town.
Anyhow, I need to try to get some sleep. I can figure out more stuff tomorrow.
Hugs, Pam
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
Bowler's Butt
I always get it after I go bowling. My left buttocks (said like Forrest Gump) is sore. I need a massage. Sigh, I love massages.
I just finished up an application for some summer work at the company that gave me a $25,000 fellowship. Basically, I just want to work with them to collect data for my dissertation. Next, I have to do more writing. Always more writing.
Instead, I am goofing off looking at the news. I just read an article about how 2/3 more women have HPV than they originally thought. GSK just came out with a vaccination for women under 26 which I suggest anyone who can get it should take the opportunity to do so. It is a series of 3 shots, and I am scheduled for the last one this month. I also read that taking antioxidants may actually increase death rates. Maybe the reason the results of this study came out that way was because only unhealthy people felt the need to take the supplements. Who knows.
In other news, I leave for my cruise on Friday. I really need to make some calls to figure out where the heck I am staying Friday night. I guess I should stop goofing off and get some of this work done.
I just finished up an application for some summer work at the company that gave me a $25,000 fellowship. Basically, I just want to work with them to collect data for my dissertation. Next, I have to do more writing. Always more writing.
Instead, I am goofing off looking at the news. I just read an article about how 2/3 more women have HPV than they originally thought. GSK just came out with a vaccination for women under 26 which I suggest anyone who can get it should take the opportunity to do so. It is a series of 3 shots, and I am scheduled for the last one this month. I also read that taking antioxidants may actually increase death rates. Maybe the reason the results of this study came out that way was because only unhealthy people felt the need to take the supplements. Who knows.
In other news, I leave for my cruise on Friday. I really need to make some calls to figure out where the heck I am staying Friday night. I guess I should stop goofing off and get some of this work done.
Air Hockey Champion
Okay, so I am not so great at bowling or pool, but I completely rock at air hockey. I have found my sport! The cats and I are cuddled into bed for a long winter's sleep. Today was a good day. I got a substantial amount done on my research. I am also happy because I just got an email from a friend of mine (Kenny) in Tampa. He is happy and in love, so I am really excited for him. I always love to hear good relationship news for people. It seems like you always hear about people breaking up, and that makes me sad.
The stock market fell today, so my brokerage account went down by a total of $2,023.61. Ouch. I guess everyone took a hit, but that kinda sucks.
I am on campus tomorrow from 11 AM - 9:15 PM. Fun, fun. I guess I should get to bed.
The stock market fell today, so my brokerage account went down by a total of $2,023.61. Ouch. I guess everyone took a hit, but that kinda sucks.
I am on campus tomorrow from 11 AM - 9:15 PM. Fun, fun. I guess I should get to bed.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Two Bananas
I just drank two bananas. I submitted a draft of my paper to Dr. Lu, and I am going to go back and do some revisions to it now. Fighting off a nap. Going to play pool tonight unless I end up bowling instead. I have the most unique bowling form which includes falling on my butt after throwing the ball. I should patent it. :-)
Shades of Gray
It is easier for us to see things in black and white instead of shades of gray. However, since black isn't black for everyone and white isn't white for everyone, it shows that there are indeed shades of gray in the world. There I go getting philosophical again.
They say it is always harder to do the right thing, but I don't think that is necessarily true. I think guilt has a way of making things worse. There have been times that I knew I did the wrong thing, and those times were the hardest times in my life. And there are times I know I have done the right thing, and even though things didn't turn out the way they should have, I felt better knowing that I did everything I could have done. It still hurts, but it hurts even worse when there is guilt on top of the hurt.
Scuro just jumped on the bed and started mashing Job. I just got back from eating pizza and watching a movie called the Illusionist. It was pretty cool. I am glad I took a study break.
I just put this icy hot type of lotion on my neck, and I am smelling pretty strong right about now. I have an appointment on campus and have to finish up my paper tomorrow. Getting sleepy since I didn't take my nap today. G'night.
They say it is always harder to do the right thing, but I don't think that is necessarily true. I think guilt has a way of making things worse. There have been times that I knew I did the wrong thing, and those times were the hardest times in my life. And there are times I know I have done the right thing, and even though things didn't turn out the way they should have, I felt better knowing that I did everything I could have done. It still hurts, but it hurts even worse when there is guilt on top of the hurt.
Scuro just jumped on the bed and started mashing Job. I just got back from eating pizza and watching a movie called the Illusionist. It was pretty cool. I am glad I took a study break.
I just put this icy hot type of lotion on my neck, and I am smelling pretty strong right about now. I have an appointment on campus and have to finish up my paper tomorrow. Getting sleepy since I didn't take my nap today. G'night.
Monday, February 26, 2007
Pain in the Neck
My neck really hurts. I tried making it better with a massage, but I think it is something more structural. I made an appointment with a chiropractor in about an hour. I am going to have to pay $60, but I want my neck to feel better.
I have to code the data from my survey today and write up my results. That should take pretty much the whole day. I am pretty well rested, but I had some strange dreams last night.
Anyway, I better get ready for the day.
I have to code the data from my survey today and write up my results. That should take pretty much the whole day. I am pretty well rested, but I had some strange dreams last night.
Anyway, I better get ready for the day.
Untitled
I have been feeling more artistic lately. Completely unrelated to anything I am posting about tonight.
It is funny how different people handle different things differently. That sounded kind of redundant . . . some people couldn't handle losing their jobs. Others couldn't handle losing a loved one. Still others couldn't handle numerous other things to happen to them. I think we all have an Achilles' heel; it just depends who we are and what it is.
People have been making fun of Britney Spears lately. I don't particularly like her music or choice in clothing (or lack there of). However, I empathize with her struggles right now. None of us knows what she is going through right now. She is young and a mother. She is going through a divorce. She grew up in the spotlight. She didn't have a normal childhood. No one taught her how to deal with everything she is going through right now. In her own way, she is crying out for help. It isn't a time to ridicule or chastise her. It is a time to be compassionate. I bet she could really use a real friend right now.
In the end, we all just want to know we aren't alone. We want to be accepted for who we are and understood. We don't want to be forgotten or to become insignificant.
Visiting the people in the nursing home or the kids at the shelter really makes me think. They are so thankful just to have someone visit with them. They crave attention just like the rest of us, but they get even less of it. I feel guilty when an old woman genuinely thanks me for bringing a dog in her room so she can pet it. I feel selfish because if that is all it takes to make this woman happy, I want to be there every day to give her that. On the other hand, I am too selfish because I have other things in my life that are more important to me. It is confusing because once you realize the difference you can make in the lives of others, you are torn between constantly wanting to make that difference and carrying out your own goals. I guess there has to be a balance. I think we have all become too hurt and isolated. Everyone has walls built up around themselves. The way we live makes us all miserable. We all have so much to give, but we are so terrified of getting hurt that it stays locked up inside of us sometimes. We don't trust people when they are trying to love us. At the same time, we blame them for not loving us enough. This is our condition.
It is getting late, and I must get some sleep.
It is funny how different people handle different things differently. That sounded kind of redundant . . . some people couldn't handle losing their jobs. Others couldn't handle losing a loved one. Still others couldn't handle numerous other things to happen to them. I think we all have an Achilles' heel; it just depends who we are and what it is.
People have been making fun of Britney Spears lately. I don't particularly like her music or choice in clothing (or lack there of). However, I empathize with her struggles right now. None of us knows what she is going through right now. She is young and a mother. She is going through a divorce. She grew up in the spotlight. She didn't have a normal childhood. No one taught her how to deal with everything she is going through right now. In her own way, she is crying out for help. It isn't a time to ridicule or chastise her. It is a time to be compassionate. I bet she could really use a real friend right now.
In the end, we all just want to know we aren't alone. We want to be accepted for who we are and understood. We don't want to be forgotten or to become insignificant.
Visiting the people in the nursing home or the kids at the shelter really makes me think. They are so thankful just to have someone visit with them. They crave attention just like the rest of us, but they get even less of it. I feel guilty when an old woman genuinely thanks me for bringing a dog in her room so she can pet it. I feel selfish because if that is all it takes to make this woman happy, I want to be there every day to give her that. On the other hand, I am too selfish because I have other things in my life that are more important to me. It is confusing because once you realize the difference you can make in the lives of others, you are torn between constantly wanting to make that difference and carrying out your own goals. I guess there has to be a balance. I think we have all become too hurt and isolated. Everyone has walls built up around themselves. The way we live makes us all miserable. We all have so much to give, but we are so terrified of getting hurt that it stays locked up inside of us sometimes. We don't trust people when they are trying to love us. At the same time, we blame them for not loving us enough. This is our condition.
It is getting late, and I must get some sleep.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Drats
My trackball is sticking. I just cleaned it out, but it is still not moving smoothly and is bothering me. We went to the mall, and I bought a serong and a brown bathing suit for the cruise. I spent way too much money, but I deserve to splurge every now and again.
I am attempting to get some research done. I am reading an article by Herbert Simon about Bounded Rationality. I actually saw him at a conference before he died. I was young and didn't know who he was, but now that I know, it is pretty neat that I had the opportunity to hear him speak.
I had a cafe mocha as an attempt to keep myself awake. Unfortunately with my bladder, it will also serve as means of making me run to the bathroom multiple times.
I am attempting to get some research done. I am reading an article by Herbert Simon about Bounded Rationality. I actually saw him at a conference before he died. I was young and didn't know who he was, but now that I know, it is pretty neat that I had the opportunity to hear him speak.
I had a cafe mocha as an attempt to keep myself awake. Unfortunately with my bladder, it will also serve as means of making me run to the bathroom multiple times.
La-de-dah
Kevin is picking me up to go to the mall at 4 PM. I am going to shop for some Hawaiian garb for the cruise, then we are going to get a bite to eat. I am going to come back and work late tonight on a paper I am trying to get ready for a conference. Next week I will be busy getting everything ready to go on the cruise. I was going to go star gazing with CHOA on Monday, but I think I am going to cancel to make sure I have time to do everything else I need to get done. I am going to hang out at Dave and Buster's Tuesday night with Mike. I hung out with Kirk, Susan, and some other friends last night. Anyway, I better dry my hair and put on some make up since it is almost time to go.
Ooh, one last story. Yesterday, Kirk and I brought Sable (black pug dog) into the house, and it was sooo funny. The cats definitely get along better with dogs than other cats. The ranking order was immediate. #1 was Scuro (of course), then Sable, and finally Ra. Scuro was all hissing and puffy. She did that to Ra for about a week and a half before she realized he was here to stay.
Ooh, one last story. Yesterday, Kirk and I brought Sable (black pug dog) into the house, and it was sooo funny. The cats definitely get along better with dogs than other cats. The ranking order was immediate. #1 was Scuro (of course), then Sable, and finally Ra. Scuro was all hissing and puffy. She did that to Ra for about a week and a half before she realized he was here to stay.
Cruise Itinerary
Itinerary:
| Saturday, 3/3/2007 | The New Carnival Liberty departs Fort Lauderdale, Florida at 4:00PM. (arrive early, boarding is from 1:30PM to 3:30PM). Join all the fun-loving passengers at the welcome aboard orientation mixer! |
| Sunday, 3/4/2007 | A Fun SinglesCruise Day at Sea! |
| Monday, 3/5/2007 | 5:00PM - 12 Midnight - San Juan, Puerto Rico - San Juan's history and Spanish colonial charm are unique among North American cities. Spend the evening exploring El Morro the 16th-century fort, the Catedral de San Juan or stroll the streets for some great shopping. San Juan also has an active nightlife with lots of fun party spots! |
| Tuesday, 3/6/2007 | 7:00AM - 6:00PM - St. Thomas, USVI - Arrive and enjoy the day in the US Virgin Islands. Golf the famous Mahogany Run, visit Bluebeard�s Tower, experience sailing on a catamaran, snorkel and swim in some of the world�s clearest waters. Treat yourself to something special including jewelry, crystal, perfume and duty-free liquor in the capital city of Charlotte Amalie. |
| Wednesday, 3/7/2007 | 7:00AM - 6:00PM Antigua. The largest of the British Leeward Islands, over 170 species of birds can be found here. Explore her secluded, powdery soft beaches, snorkel he nearly unbroken wall of coral reef. Hike up to Monk's Hill and see Fort George. Try your hand at deep-see fishing or perhaps an off-roading safari tour. A game of cricket anyone? Antiguans are devoted to the sport. |
| Thursday, 3/8/2007 | 7:00AM - 6:00PM visit Tortola, British Virgin Islands - Enjoy hiking through the rainforest, soaking up the sun on the beach, snorkeling in the beautiful turquoise waters or exploring the J.R O'Neal Botanic Gardens. Strolling through the colorful village of Road Town is also an experience where you will find, friendly pubs, local shops and great Caribbean snacks. |
| Friday, 3/9/2007 | Enjoy the fun-filled Day at Sea with all of your SinglesCruise friends! |
| Saturday, 3/10/2007 | Spend your last Day At Sea cruising the Caribbean. Don't miss our private farewell party! |
| Sunday, 3/11/2007 | It's back to reality as the "Liberty" docks back in Ft. Lauderdale (Port Everglades), Florida at 8:00AM for your trip back home, with a lifetime of wonderful memories and new friends. We hope to welcome you back again soon! |
Huge Headache
I woke up with a huge headache. My stomach kinda hurts too. It rained last night. I took some advil, and I think I am going to stay in bed until my headache goes away.
Friday, February 23, 2007
Sandman
Something is wrong with me; I am always tired. I sleep at least 8 hours at night, then I end up taking 2-3 hour naps every day. I waste so much time sleeping that I don't get much done. Anyway, I did go out tonight. I went to this really neat restaurant called Carpe Diem. After that, I saw Patrick Davis play at the Evening Muse. He was completely awesome. His opening act guy was really good too. They have great voices, but both of their lyrics were amazing as well. It was kinda country but not quite. I wish I had that kind of talent, but it is okay that I don't.
Ra is licking himself in bed. Silly cat. Kirk and Sable are going to be over in the morning. I think I am going to do some reading and go to bed. This weekend is going to be busy with research.
Ra is licking himself in bed. Silly cat. Kirk and Sable are going to be over in the morning. I think I am going to do some reading and go to bed. This weekend is going to be busy with research.
Unfinished
I need someone forgiving
'Cause, boy, do I make mistakes
But that's part of living
Thank God I'm under grace
I need someone who is stable
At least when I am weak
Most of the time I am able
But sometimes I have to weep
I need someone who is gentle
Because I am as fragile as can be
This heart has already been broken
And tough, that's just not me
'Cause, boy, do I make mistakes
But that's part of living
Thank God I'm under grace
I need someone who is stable
At least when I am weak
Most of the time I am able
But sometimes I have to weep
I need someone who is gentle
Because I am as fragile as can be
This heart has already been broken
And tough, that's just not me
Mass and Space
Give me a love that matters
Baby, I know your love is true
But if it doesn't transpire into action
Then what use to me are you?
Honey, give me a love that matters
Sure, it can be pure and sweet
But if it doesn't bring you to your knees sometimes
For me, that love's too neat
Give me a love that matters
It's okay if it is a mess
As long as you are right beside me
Sweetheart, we'll withstand the test
Give me a love that means something
Love that is going to last
Let me feel it when you love me
Love me with space and mass
Baby, give me a love that matters
That's all I need . . .
Baby, I know your love is true
But if it doesn't transpire into action
Then what use to me are you?
Honey, give me a love that matters
Sure, it can be pure and sweet
But if it doesn't bring you to your knees sometimes
For me, that love's too neat
Give me a love that matters
It's okay if it is a mess
As long as you are right beside me
Sweetheart, we'll withstand the test
Give me a love that means something
Love that is going to last
Let me feel it when you love me
Love me with space and mass
Baby, give me a love that matters
That's all I need . . .
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Wicked
I feel like I should just delete my blog because it doesn't matter what I have to say. I know it is pretty pointless, begging the world to pay the tiniest bit attention to me. I know. I ma not sure why I do it. Sometimes my thoughts just bubble over. I think so much. I think Chris just got home.
I am excited for Kim and Mom. They are bothing moving to be in better situations. Mom will love having more room and to be able to invite people over. Kim is going to be so much happier now that Tony won't have to be traveling so much. They deserve for these good things to happen to them. I don't really know what is going on with Lisa and Steve right now.
Seems like everyone has the flu. My throat is a little sore, but I don't think I am getting sick yet.
I am excited for Kim and Mom. They are bothing moving to be in better situations. Mom will love having more room and to be able to invite people over. Kim is going to be so much happier now that Tony won't have to be traveling so much. They deserve for these good things to happen to them. I don't really know what is going on with Lisa and Steve right now.
Seems like everyone has the flu. My throat is a little sore, but I don't think I am getting sick yet.
Beginning and Middle
I am 27 years old, and I have accomplished many things. I have tutored special education students how to read. I survived extended childhood abuse. I have raised money for good causes. I did well in school despite our low socioeconomic status. I graduated salutatorian of my high school class. I earned the respect of my peers. I've never taken illegal drugs. I have mentored youth. I have obtained a BS and MS with outstanding academic record. I have done well so far in my PhD program. I have only ever received two B's throughout school. I have won national scholarships. I have raised two loving, secure, and healthy cats. I have purchased two houses on my own. I have furnished and decorated my home. I have founded organizations that have served to help others. I have volunteered for other organizations. I have been elected to lead within social organizations. I have received outstanding job performance reviews, raises, and bonuses. I have often been recognized for my hard work. I have achieved financial stability. I have nice things. I have worked toward reconciling relationships with my family. I have taken actions to help improve my mother's life. I am articulate and well-read. I come highly recommended. I have numerous friends. I have learned how to forgive. I am respected for my integrity. I have been admired for my beauty. I have come to believe in God. I have learned empathy and compassion for others. I have overcome anger. I can take care of myself. I am independent. I have innovative ideas. I am perceptive of others. I am well-rounded. I have learned how to achieve balance in my life. I treat others well. I take responsibility for my actions. I continue to learn new things. I have made a difference in this world. I love deeply. I have achieved success in my life. Should I find this to be the end, I would be able to say that I have done well for myself. I am thankful.
No Cat-astrophe
Ra is snoring at the end of the bed. What kind of cat snores? He makes me smile. Ra and Scuro are sooo wonderful. Sometimes I can't help but to squeeze them so much and cover them in kisses. They remind me that there is so much beauty in this world. I just have so much love inside me that I want to just spend every day giving it away. I love animals. I love people. I love nature. I just want to cuddle with them all. I sincerely don't hate anyone. There isn't a person (outside of telemarketers) that could call at this very moment that I would refuse to talk with should they just need someone to talk to. No one. I don't want to spend my time bitter and mad at the world. I get depressed and hurt, but at my core, there is just so much love and hope. Sometimes I think it is gone, and that scares me. But as long as I can find joy in hearing Scuro purr, then I know that it is still there.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Bathroom
Chris painted the half bath today, and it looks really good. He didn't get any paint on the ceiling or anything (sorry Joel). Thanks Chris!
Got home late from class today. My throat gets sore from talking three hours straight. Next week, they are doing software presentations, so I will get a minor break. I am not assigned to teach summer or fall, so I won't be teaching again until next spring. I have been making a lot of headway on my research lately, so I should be able to get something published or submitted to a conference proceedings soon.
Anyway, off to bed soon. Actually, I am in bed already, but that is just a technicality.
Got home late from class today. My throat gets sore from talking three hours straight. Next week, they are doing software presentations, so I will get a minor break. I am not assigned to teach summer or fall, so I won't be teaching again until next spring. I have been making a lot of headway on my research lately, so I should be able to get something published or submitted to a conference proceedings soon.
Anyway, off to bed soon. Actually, I am in bed already, but that is just a technicality.
Beautiful Ride
It is a really nice day outside. It is a little windy, but it is warm enough to go out without a jacket on. I have class in about an hour. I forgot my wallet at home today, so I borrowed $20 from Hubert, my office mate, so I could get some lunch. I teach at 6:30 PM. I am talking about ERP, CRM, SCM, and other enterprise systems. Fun, fun.
I just found out that I am going to see Patrick Davis perform on Friday night. I haven't heard of him before, but I listened to some of his music on line, and he seems really good. That should be nice.
I am drinking a cafe mocha with extra chocolate. Yum. Yesterday I bought a new bathing suit for the cruise, but I still don't have any luau type attire. I need to work on that. I can't go to the mall tonight because I teach until 9:15 PM. I have dinner plans tomorrow night and Friday, so maybe I will make an excursion on Saturday.
Wow. Someone thanked me in their thesis. I just googled myself. I vaguely remember talking to this cute French or something guy for an afternoon about HCI, but that is pretty cool. I was consulting on research back in 2001. Look at that! There are still old posts online from when Ryan and I were dating . . . what, 6 years ago? Gotta love the Internet.
I just found out that I am going to see Patrick Davis perform on Friday night. I haven't heard of him before, but I listened to some of his music on line, and he seems really good. That should be nice.
I am drinking a cafe mocha with extra chocolate. Yum. Yesterday I bought a new bathing suit for the cruise, but I still don't have any luau type attire. I need to work on that. I can't go to the mall tonight because I teach until 9:15 PM. I have dinner plans tomorrow night and Friday, so maybe I will make an excursion on Saturday.
Wow. Someone thanked me in their thesis. I just googled myself. I vaguely remember talking to this cute French or something guy for an afternoon about HCI, but that is pretty cool. I was consulting on research back in 2001. Look at that! There are still old posts online from when Ryan and I were dating . . . what, 6 years ago? Gotta love the Internet.
Visualize 2010
I am thirty years old, and I am pregnant with my first child. We just found out that it is going to be a girl! My husband and I got married on 08/08/08 when I was 28. Eight has always been my favorite number. I am a doctor; I received my PhD the same year that we were married. I currently teach at the college level and love my job, mostly because I am teaching young minds. My concentration has been on how individual productivity can be affected by technology. Lately, I have been researching more about how technology has transformed the nature of human relationships. I have published quite a few papers, but I still don't insist that people call me "Dr."
We are financially comfortable, so I don't have to work the summers. We take trips to Europe and all over the United States. Last summer, we took my mom and her boyfriend camping in Yellowstone National park. She always said she wanted to go back there. When we aren't on vacation, I am an activist for causes for which I can really make a difference. I volunteer with children and elderly. I recently published my first book about healing from childhood sexual abuse aimed toward the survivor and her support group. I am not famous, but I like knowing that I have made a difference in a lot of people's lives.
We have a beautiful house. It is an awesome waterfront property. My husband is handsome, intelligent, and successful. Most of all, he is great at showering me with love and being there when I need him most. He teaches me things that I didn't already know, and he makes me smile. He is a romantic at heart and I get wonderful surprises all the time. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!
God is a big part of my life. I pray continually and give thanks. I volunteer within my church. I recently helped them raise enough money to move into a new sanctuary. With the new building, they can have outreach ministries such as free counseling to individuals and couples within the congregation. Sometimes I sing with the praise and worship band when they are working with the children. I am still too shy to sing in front of large crowds!
Even though we work really hard, we have lots of fun too. We are currently taking a ballroom dancing class. My belly is starting to get in the way! We still have the two cats and a dog. We visit our families at least once a year and make it a point to keep in touch with our friends. I am in the best shape of my life. I have been really making sure that our baby will be healthy. It is silly, but I read to her from the Chronicles of Narnia every night. Actually, my husband and I take turns.
I am happy, secure, and safe. I am surrounded by love. I am successful and living life to the fullest. I am helping people. I am beautiful. Actually, I am glowing.
We are financially comfortable, so I don't have to work the summers. We take trips to Europe and all over the United States. Last summer, we took my mom and her boyfriend camping in Yellowstone National park. She always said she wanted to go back there. When we aren't on vacation, I am an activist for causes for which I can really make a difference. I volunteer with children and elderly. I recently published my first book about healing from childhood sexual abuse aimed toward the survivor and her support group. I am not famous, but I like knowing that I have made a difference in a lot of people's lives.
We have a beautiful house. It is an awesome waterfront property. My husband is handsome, intelligent, and successful. Most of all, he is great at showering me with love and being there when I need him most. He teaches me things that I didn't already know, and he makes me smile. He is a romantic at heart and I get wonderful surprises all the time. He is the best thing that has ever happened to me!
God is a big part of my life. I pray continually and give thanks. I volunteer within my church. I recently helped them raise enough money to move into a new sanctuary. With the new building, they can have outreach ministries such as free counseling to individuals and couples within the congregation. Sometimes I sing with the praise and worship band when they are working with the children. I am still too shy to sing in front of large crowds!
Even though we work really hard, we have lots of fun too. We are currently taking a ballroom dancing class. My belly is starting to get in the way! We still have the two cats and a dog. We visit our families at least once a year and make it a point to keep in touch with our friends. I am in the best shape of my life. I have been really making sure that our baby will be healthy. It is silly, but I read to her from the Chronicles of Narnia every night. Actually, my husband and I take turns.
I am happy, secure, and safe. I am surrounded by love. I am successful and living life to the fullest. I am helping people. I am beautiful. Actually, I am glowing.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Just for Fun
Things I like to do for fun:
-Go to amusement parks
-Go to the beach
-Hike to waterfalls
-Go to plays or concerts
-Read
-Watch movies
-Play tennis (badly)
-Volunteer
-Artsy stuff like pottery classes
-Travelling
-Playing board games
-Going dancing
-Having a picnic
-Take a walk
-Cook
-Go out to dinner with a small group of people
-Cuddle with my cats
-Decorate my house
-Pilates
-Taking pictures
-Going to art shows
-Going camping
-Staying in hotels in new cities
-Meeting new people
-White water rafting
-Canoeing
-Go to amusement parks
-Go to the beach
-Hike to waterfalls
-Go to plays or concerts
-Read
-Watch movies
-Play tennis (badly)
-Volunteer
-Artsy stuff like pottery classes
-Travelling
-Playing board games
-Going dancing
-Having a picnic
-Take a walk
-Cook
-Go out to dinner with a small group of people
-Cuddle with my cats
-Decorate my house
-Pilates
-Taking pictures
-Going to art shows
-Going camping
-Staying in hotels in new cities
-Meeting new people
-White water rafting
-Canoeing
Big Stretch
Well, it is another day, and I am still sleepy. I had this completely bizarre dream about the cruise. It started that I didn't have enough time to pack. From there it just got really weird. Some things I need to bring:
-camera
-phone
-laptop
-power supplies
-bathing suit
-clothes
-birth certificate
-cash
-sunglasses
Do I have to bring all my own toiletries? This is definitely going to be an adventure.
I already over cuddled Scuro out of bed so I guess I should get up and take a shower. I need to call Francis back today. I keep forgetting until it is too late to give him a call back.
I am a stretchuy girl this morning. Big Yawn.
-camera
-phone
-laptop
-power supplies
-bathing suit
-clothes
-birth certificate
-cash
-sunglasses
Do I have to bring all my own toiletries? This is definitely going to be an adventure.
I already over cuddled Scuro out of bed so I guess I should get up and take a shower. I need to call Francis back today. I keep forgetting until it is too late to give him a call back.
I am a stretchuy girl this morning. Big Yawn.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Book of Pam (Part I)
-Always treat others based on how you would want them to treat you, not based on how you have been treated.
-It takes a stronger person to be humble than to be prideful.
-Those who demand unconditional love are often the least forgiving.
-Love always prevails over hate but often struggles with apathy.
-Growth can only occur when you don't already think you know the answer.
-Unhappiness does not always mean that you don't love yourself.
-Don't tell a person they need to get help before you ask yourself how you can help them.
-Being able to ask for help is the epitome of being strong.
-Helping others often does more for the giver than the recipient.
-Often those with the most problems have the hardest time admitting to them.
-If we never made mistakes, then we would never be able to learn from them.
-Forgiveness benefits the one who forgives more so than the one who is forgiven.
-We often forgive ourselves more quickly than we forgive others.
-Our worth should be based on how much we give, not how much we are given.
-Success and happiness are often mutually exclusive. Yet, we are more scared of failure than we are of sadness.
-Don't demand acceptance if you cannot accept the flaws in others.
-When someone admits their weaknesses, we often condemn them. When someone admits their strengths, we condemn them as well. In either case, we should build one another up instead of tearing each other down.
-Our defense mechanisms often hurt us more than what we are protecting ourselves from.
-Many times, we have to give up or give in to ultimately get everything that we ever wanted.
-Patience is impossible without hope.
-Just like hate, compassion can be learned.
-In the end, we all just want to eradicate the lonliness in our souls and to feel worthy of life.
-It takes a stronger person to be humble than to be prideful.
-Those who demand unconditional love are often the least forgiving.
-Love always prevails over hate but often struggles with apathy.
-Growth can only occur when you don't already think you know the answer.
-Unhappiness does not always mean that you don't love yourself.
-Don't tell a person they need to get help before you ask yourself how you can help them.
-Being able to ask for help is the epitome of being strong.
-Helping others often does more for the giver than the recipient.
-Often those with the most problems have the hardest time admitting to them.
-If we never made mistakes, then we would never be able to learn from them.
-Forgiveness benefits the one who forgives more so than the one who is forgiven.
-We often forgive ourselves more quickly than we forgive others.
-Our worth should be based on how much we give, not how much we are given.
-Success and happiness are often mutually exclusive. Yet, we are more scared of failure than we are of sadness.
-Don't demand acceptance if you cannot accept the flaws in others.
-When someone admits their weaknesses, we often condemn them. When someone admits their strengths, we condemn them as well. In either case, we should build one another up instead of tearing each other down.
-Our defense mechanisms often hurt us more than what we are protecting ourselves from.
-Many times, we have to give up or give in to ultimately get everything that we ever wanted.
-Patience is impossible without hope.
-Just like hate, compassion can be learned.
-In the end, we all just want to eradicate the lonliness in our souls and to feel worthy of life.
Update on Me
I have been doing better the last few days. Some days are hard, but in general, I have been taking care of myself. I have been asking people for love and support. My sister Kim loves me; she just bought me something from my Amazon wishlist. (Thanks, love ya!) I have been hanging out with friends (some may want to be more than that) who are really sweet to me. I have been learning to accept who can't give me the love and support I need. I deserve to be treated well. I think everyone deserves that. I have been focusing on meeting my unmet needs instead of trying to fix myself. I think talking with my counselor upsets me because she keeps trying to fix me, and it makes me feel like a failure because I can't do what she wants me to do. I don't want to stop focusing on having my family soon. I don't want to reduce the range of my emotions to what society thinks is acceptable. I don't want to stop loving as much as I do. It makes sense to me when I am depressed. It isn't because of a chemical imbalance or something that is wrong with me. It is because certain needs are unmet, and I am disappointed in life. When I find ways to better meet those needs, I am okay. The needs I listed as unmet and the way I have been trying to meet them:
-receive attention: been going out with friends and meeting new people. Corresponding with old/true friends that I know unconditionally love me.
-purpose/goals/meaning: volunteering more often, cutting back on work to get more school work done, learning more about myself
-intimacy: still working on this
-control: realizing the things that are out of my control and not letting myself feel like a failure for those things.
-acceptance: asking people I love to give me positive affirmations. Telling people ways they could actually help.
Life is hard to balance, and I have some handicaps just like everyone else. So, it is a struggle.
Anyway, if you haven't taken my survey yet, please do. If you have taken my survey, send this link to some other people and have them take it. I have 45 responses so far, and I would like to get at least 60.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=459663321295
-receive attention: been going out with friends and meeting new people. Corresponding with old/true friends that I know unconditionally love me.
-purpose/goals/meaning: volunteering more often, cutting back on work to get more school work done, learning more about myself
-intimacy: still working on this
-control: realizing the things that are out of my control and not letting myself feel like a failure for those things.
-acceptance: asking people I love to give me positive affirmations. Telling people ways they could actually help.
Life is hard to balance, and I have some handicaps just like everyone else. So, it is a struggle.
Anyway, if you haven't taken my survey yet, please do. If you have taken my survey, send this link to some other people and have them take it. I have 45 responses so far, and I would like to get at least 60.
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=459663321295
Danger
Boy, I really shouldn't drive at night. It is just dangerous, really. I went out for coffee at Starbucks then went to play board games at Beverly Health Center. However, most of the elderly people who normally come for board games were sick, so we just went around to the rooms meeting people. I will try again next time. I also tried to get my passport stuff done today, but the post office was closed for president's day. Maybe I can get that done tomorrow.
Someone asked me today if there was anything they needed to know about me other than I didn't like seafood. The first thing I could think of was that I didn't like naked people in public. I am so weird.
Someone asked me today if there was anything they needed to know about me other than I didn't like seafood. The first thing I could think of was that I didn't like naked people in public. I am so weird.
Good Morning!
I think today is going to be a pretty good day. I am going to try to get a hair cut and my passport. I am going to play some board games with elderly people. I am about to hop in the shower. I was productive yesterday so I am not in a huge rush to get stuff done today. I am going to try to do half an hour on the elliptical machine.
Charmers and Abusers
I found this on the Internet while I was browsing. It is pretty eye-opening. I am not calling anyone I know a charmer or abuser so whoever you are, don't be vain. This song isn't about you . . .
C/A=s are expert chameleons because it serves their purpose. They quickly "put on" whatever you are and need in order to - use you for whatever purpose they need you for. They are, indeed, the best sales people and con artists on the planet. We seem to have a built-in need for whatever it is they peddle. We need to lose that need. They don’t always repel you in the beginning, but instead, almost magically - draw you closer and closer and closer very, very quickly. Kind of like a spider or snake injecting their prey with something that paralyzes them before they eat them. How do they gain entrance into your life? Read the following and take the time to look back over your life.
1. C.A.'s looks for victims with the following characteristics: low self-esteem, a past with a lot of trauma, neediness, fairy tale type thinking, maybe even someone with a little rebelliousness (to some degree), and a history of relationships with men who were not healthy, had a troubled home life growing up and a bit of a “bad boy”..
2. They listen intently to you, give you a great deal of attention in the beginning and coax you into telling them your innermost thoughts, secrets, deep hurts and dreams quickly. They rapidly assimilate from this - what kind of camouflage to weave for you. You basically - tell them - what to become, in order that they might hide who they really are from you.....while erecting the man of your dreams right before your eyes.
3. While they may not come over completely to your way of thinking about everything, they will agree with you on certain things that are very important to you. For example, if you have been abused in your life, they will assume the position of protector and will be a great empathizer regarding your pain, at least in the beginning.... They look for the red flashing lights and become a ready-made ally for you in every way. If you are a single mother, he might all too quickly become super-dad, because he knows how vulnerable you are in this respect. If you have trouble with your family, he then becomes the high and mighty voice of – She’s under MY protection now, you go through ME. What abused woman wouldn’t want that, right?
4. They quickly want to become physical with you because once that happens, you instantly have a cloud over your eyes. C.A.’s know this about women, especially wounded women and they use it to their utmost advantage. If the sex is good, they assume you will follow them anywhere. C.A.’s know that touch and physical gratification in the sexual realm is like a drug of comfort for you. It’s almost like heroin for some women who have been abused, especially if they were sexually abused. It tells a woman, in an instant “microwave push-button” sort of way - that they are wanted, worthy, beautiful and valuable. Your radar will be come almost instantly disabled and that’s the point.. Exactly what a burglar would do who snips the wires to the phone and alarm system before entering the house to steal valuables and whatever else. You have to see and be aware of this kind of disarming “when” it is happening.
5. He listens to what you tell him about - how people have controlled or manipulated you in the past and he uses the very same weapons, but may employ different maneuvers so you don’t recognize it. For example, you say that you could not stand it when your last boyfriend was jealous of you all the time. He then may do the same thing but disguises it differently. Isn’t as overt about it, takes a more covert kind of tactic. He may just drop little hints - constantly, but in such a way that you can’t really call him on it. He knows that if he did it the same way, you’d run instantly because everything is so fresh with you from your last encounter. He waits, like a snake or insect does, waits for the initial paralyzing poison to take affect, for the slow drip of it to poison you and you never noticing because it’s not – in your face. .
6. He’s always calling you when you’re supposed to be home for no apparent reason, or calling you right when you are to be home, or later that night he shows up with a convincing reason, but really might be more along the lines of - are you really alone, and where were you? Of course this is all because he misses you so much and can’t live without you. It’s hard to nail him on his jealousy because he isn’t really blatant about it in your book and it’s followed by intensive love-making and trying to shower you with everything you want in a man. This is blatant, but you don’t recognize it as that. Red flags wave, you walk by them. He takes full advantage of your cloudiness and neediness and will disguise it as him just caring about you in some way. And you will hesitate time and time again to really call it - for what it is. You’ll be more inclined to just blow it off and look at the other times when he’s Mr. Wonderful. We play the game of greater and lesser offenses. If he made great love to you the night before.......then that might be worth oh, maybe two weeks of pure hell or mind-games.. Sooner or later, their abuse is – your fault. You caused it by not being what they need or not understanding them better, or because you don’t love them enough, etc., etc. “Prove you love me, baby”. Geez, you could be on that ferris wheel for the next twenty years, right? Bad thing is – the carrot just keeps on moving and you never touch it.
6. C.A.’s will capitalize on your need - to be needed in their life and your need of them. You may be a very independent woman when they meet you, but that can change very quickly, once they make themselves the center of your universe. Very important move and positioning on their part. They know you are going to equate your worth, as a woman, based on how much you can do for them and be needed by them. Yes,.....they do need you, for something - for a season, it’s called narcissitic supply. If you don’t know what a narcissist is, please look it up. Basically, it’s all about them – ALL the time and the only reason you are in their life is because you provide power that they run their life on and with. So, consequently, in their mind – it’s a fair trade. You need to be needed and they need something from you. Do not kid yourself into believing this is going to be a - fair trade. It never is. They stroke your ego and your emotional side for awhile and they drain from you - whatever they want. There is no need for them to have a conscience about this, because it’s like any other sales contract. If you don’t read the fine print, (which is what this writing is about) it’s buyer beware and your tough luck. A deal’s a deal and you pay them with very high interest should you ever want free. You can project your own interpretation on it all you want. In fact, they want you to. They are counting on that. But.....your projection, regardless of how much you believe it.....doesn’t ever make it fact. You buy the illusion, and they make a sale.
Now which is it that is really more important here? Is it the need for you to get something of worth, or is it more important for you to be lied to because it feels familiar to you? Do you have an intense need - to be sold to? If so, then who was the person in your past that you loved and yet they lied to you by what they said and how they treated you? Little girls believe very easily - when they are looking up to a very important man in their lives. That man is larger than life and you are not able to look at them realistically - using a child’s mind. If they betrayed you, neglected/abandoned you, rejected you, or abused you in any way - you are apt to make excuses for them and any important male figure standing in a position of authority in your life. At least until you heal, realize that this was “about them” and not about you and that a little girl’s mind made some very serious decisions about how the adult woman would conduct her life. Until this is examined and until the little child stops driving the car, you will continue to drive your car in a ditch and into a tree.
A grown-up version of this - is when a woman will allow themselves to become prey to a charmer/abuser and constantly second-guess their own thoughts and feelings and will make endless excuses for this man. It’s so natural and automatic to think and feel with that little girl’s mind in this scenario and not ever question why. Whereas in other areas of your life - you may be very mature, grown-up and responsible.
One really good reason for this is that - when certain traumas and hurts occur in our life as a child, sometimes it’s so intense that it literally stops or majorly stunts that person’s emotional maturity. So you might have an adult later in life that is say 30 years old and emotionally speaking, may only be 10. That’s why so many women are perplexed at feelings that come out and surface and they feel like a child and don’t know why. Yet, they have a good job, can function okay in other realms of their life, so this really is confusing for them. Actually when you apply this equation to things, it makes things quite clear. No, it’s not impossible to grow that side of you up, but it’s hard work and requires perseverance, courage and dedication to “yourself”.. You first have to acknowledge what is – before you can fix it. Identify the problem, dare to see the truth..
I’ve seen grown women afraid to drive and not understand why they freak out when they get in heavy traffic and sometimes have anxiety attacks. I simply ask them, so now that we know you basically shut down emotionally around 10 years old, how do you think a 10 year old little girl would feel behind the wheel of a car during rush hour? Then the light bulb goes on and they go - OMG, that’s so true! That’s exactly how I feel in that situation!! But that analogy doesn’t just stop there. You can apply it to a lot of things. Why is it that you may shut down during an argument with your C/A and not be able to defend yourself verbally and want to curl up into a ball instead, and yet, you can go to work and be just fine in other areas of confrontation and discussion. One is dealing with the emotional side of you and the other is dealing with the analytical side of you. One is A LOT younger than the other one.
The younger one may be looking at the man in her life, a lot like the child looked at her father. If they can just make this man love them, if they can just make them proud of them, if they can just change them, fix the old problem that was broken way back when, then maybe, they can finally have some peace in their lives. Abused children all too often believe the failure of their parents is all their fault, so if they can pick a man that will be the person in the skit that helps them work this out once and for all, they might just out of this the Victor this time. I’m sad to report, I’ve never seen this one work. Sounds good in theory, but it flops miserably in application.
7. C.A.’s need you to quickly put them into your inner circle - whereby you consider them to be of like-minds with you, a kindred spirit, soulmate sort of thing. When that happens - you basically dismiss a lot of red flags because you have completely validated them as - being like you in some majorly important ways. This are usually sensitive issues. Where “you really live” kind of issues. Therefore, you cannot possibly suspect them of a lot of things. It would be like putting yourself on trial! You’re like-minds now, remember? Accuse them, accuse yourself. Think about this one - very hard. It is one of the worst snags that will hook you and take a great deal from you when the hook is ultimately yanked. They find that platform where you have your deepest hurts and strongest opinions and they become your ally, your cheerleader, your confidant, your defender, etc., etc.
They become – your ALL and POOF you’re sucked in hook, line and sinker and you’re also very stripped of all your defenses, your strengths and very, very isolated with them. They are inside your sanctuary and castle walls with you. Oftentimes, the very people who have wounded you the worst, are the very same kind of people that can empathize with you - the best. And why wouldn’t they? A predator - knows his victims - very well. They study them. They have to, in order to trap them. We need to study them as well. It’s called - playing offense instead of defense. Learning to be savvy - will work on our part. Rest very assured - they will do their homework regarding you. Be willing to be as quick to forgive yourself when it comes to making a mistake in character. One of the biggest stumbling blocks with women is that they cannot get past this. They should have known better, and this man is like me, I just know he is, if I judge him, I’m judging myself, etc., etc. For one, you have every right to “judge and discern” what comes into your life and gets very close to you. People frown on “judging” but I call it a very necessary survival tool. It’s basically just critical thinking. Learn to love it, not hate it.
8. C.A.’s do NOT respect you as a woman or as a person - at all....BUT....they will go to great lengths to convince you - they do. They will quickly put you up on a high pedestal, where they supposedly worship at your feet. No one in the world is more beautiful or more important in their lives. You are the bomb! Look at what I’ve got here! Just remember that I use the word “quickly” a lot. Someone genuinely thinking you’re wonderful and all that – isn’t necessarily bad. But, it is highly suspicious when it happens - very quickly and when it’s - Overkill. Sure, in some rare case, you could just click - if you meet the right person. But, I warn you about making this your basis for all your relationships. You are a sitting duck. Genuine feelings that really matter in the long run - take time. If it’s too fast and too good to be true – guess what?
9. C.A.’s don’t have time. They have to do everything quickly. They want what they want and they want it NOW. So, hurry up and get charmed, so this ball game can get underway. A lion after a gazelle knows to first go for the young and naïve, or the wounded one. They only have so many calories to burn and if they have to chase and chase their prey, they starve to death. Predators count on - your need to get instantly stroked all the way around - as their “in”. This is your blind side and they go right for it. They make you feel like a princess early on and get you eating out of their hand. You will ultimately also become the dog they kick when they feel a little pain or discomfort or don’t get their way about something. It’s confusing to you because how could someone so wonderful suddenly turn on me like this!!!??? It must be my fault! That’s the child thinking, with no real analytical process involved at all. Only emotion and old wounds behind the steering wheel. A predator expends what he considers his precious energy on getting you charmed and hooked fast. That’s work for them, so at some point, they will demand all that hard work back with interest and more than not their prey will spend some time in total disbelief. I’m here to remind you to “wake up” very fast and react.
10. They will educate you on how women in their past have not met the mark with them. How they have failed them in some respect. It’s called - giving you a challenge you cannot resist as a woman. Especially, if you are a woman who sees her worth being linked to - how much she is needed by a man, or how much she can “down” the competition. They are basically saying to you - here, see what you can do. Prove to me, that you are worthy and prove to me that you can be better than all these other women. Do the impossible! I’m waiting...! And that’s just what an abuse victim loves to hear.....and C.A.’s deeply know this. Abused women - are very used to being superhuman and performing the impossible and having to work for every sliver of love and attention they get. So, this challenge is more like alcohol being sat in front of an alcoholic. It’s second nature.
11. C.A.’s hit you hard and heavy and isolate you. They call you a lot, they want to be with you a lot. They will not respect your need for personal space, but will disguise that with - I just have to be with you because I can’t get you out of my mind. They will usually talk to a lot about how wonderful they are, especially in the areas of what you need them to be. It will be tailor made, just for you. They will dazzle you with their dance and try to effectively shut down all your protective barriers. They will also want to pull you away from your friends, family and children. They need you to be tuned into - just them, if they are going to effectively charm you in a small amount of time.
Like any teacher in any classroom - they have to have your undivided attention in order to teach you what they want you to learn. So, they don’t want you comparing notes with anyone else or getting someone else’s read on them. Someone who isn’t blind to them - will see them for what they are and tell you. They want to get you in that cloudy zone as soon as possible where you are wrapped up with them physically, dependent on them in some way, and are providing them with what they need so you feel needed by giving. They know that once you get effectively hooked in this regard - you will vehemently fight off anyone, including your own flesh and blood - in order to keep this realm of importance that you’ve got going on here. They count on you - to do just that. They load the gun for you and you pick it up and use it. That way - their hands are clean. You did their dirty work - for them. You end up driving away the very people that could help you the most. They did absolutely nothing and if you say so – you’re a crazy woman!
12. They use circular reasoning on you a lot. They know how to trap you in debate and find the places in you where you shut down, feel guilt, or feel sorry for them. They find what works and spin you effectively. You just have to find out - what it is they do. One thing that I’ve noticed with a few people in my own life is that they never would say they were sorry for anything. Instead, they say something more along the lines of...I’m sorry “you” took what I said that way or I’m sorry you feel like that. But it never came out of their mouth that they were actually sorry for anything in particular. They would avoid that one and you would miss it because you’re so trained to think everything is your fault and you have to run harder and faster, faster. Or it’s a thing of if I really push this then they can put the pressure on me in this area, or cut me off, or draw blood for me over here. So I have to negotiate this. How easily do we really notice when negotiation and compliance and looking over things - becomes a tyranny?
There are the ones that say - I’m sorry Babe. like it was a push button response with no meaning attached to it whatsoever because it never becomes action. It was just something said to appease you. The words came out but where were the actions that back it up?
13. They expect you to be all-seeing and all-knowing when it comes to their moods and their feelings and their thoughts about things. You are just expected to be all over that one and super sensitive to them. And YET, when they walk all over YOUR feelings, you don’t see them even blink twice as to what they just did to you or how they just ripped your heart out. You’re just too sensitive and not a good sport or not tough enough. There’s no empathy going on with these people. But oh how they expect it of you when it comes to YOU being tuned into their every ripple of emotion. You need to be very intuitive to them but you never see it back from them to you UNLESS it’s when they are trying to figure you out, check up on you or trying to con you about something, THEN they are oh so sensitive and read you like a book or try to.
14. C.A.’s desensitize and numb their victim. They wear them out with endless mindgames and circular reasoning. Being very weary and tired and confused is a very bad state of mind to be in with a predator. Exhausted, made dependent on their predator, now accepting one crumb of bread as sufficient food between mental, emotional, psychological or physical batterings, or a combination of all four – they render you helpless and without strength enough to fight effectively. Sometimes, because of your situation, all you can muster is one good spurt of well-planned and executed energy directed like a laser beam in the direction of your freedom. You may not be able to maintain gaining strength for any length of time. So this may be your best plan. Conserve, lay your plan well, use your best strengths, cut your losses, and establish in your own mind what is absolutely the most important things. What you can live with and what you really can – live without.
One thing you “can” live without is someone else telling you who you are, what you are about, what should or should not stroke your real ego (preferably a healthy one) and that you have to “make a deal” with the likes of them to get your cookie that now costs $10 when it used to cost – 5 cents. Sometimes the best way out of the forest is walking a straight line, no more circles, a very light backpack on your back and a very strong will to ensure your own safety and those who depend on you – as the only thing that matters or is – of value. We can never pick up a tool in life and use it, that we don’t have a weapon (your critical thinking mind) in the other hand that says – I am discerning your every move. You respect my boundaries and we’re just fine. The minute you cross them, we’re not okay.
15. Lastly, but definitely not the least of the red flags is – anyone who doesn’t like children or animals, is uncomfortable around them is someone that is just “off” my personal list of getting into my inner circle. It’s proved to be extremely true in that – you are more likely dancing with a person who knows nothing of empathy. They may mimick it, they may have children or pets that are more like accessories, but where is the true feeling attached to what they proclaim? If you don’t really “feel that”, all I can say is RUN.
Cadence
There are people who add a rhythm to my otherwise off beat life. Joel. I don't think I have called anyone else as many times in the middle of the night. He is always encouraging, calm, and soothing. Sometimes he is boring, but that just tempers my tantrums. He makes me smile by making a fool out of himself. That's a true friend. Dave. No one has better things to say about me than Dave. He is so laid back all the time, and will drive great lengths to see me for even the shortest amount of time. He doesn't talk much, but he is like a big teddy bear. Jay. Since we have broken up, he has come back into my life to help carry me through some pretty rough break ups. I know that it hurts him to do it, but he does it anyway. His intentions aren't always perfect, but his actions are flawless. Mom. I don't know how she always seems to sound so cheerful, like nothing phases her. There is a strength in her that I just don't have. She has been through so much, but she doesn't even stop to think about it. Liz. It seems like the only time we really talk is when one of us is in crisis, but that is okay. There is never anger for losing touch. There is just love and support when the other calls crying. Tausha. She is my longest friendship dating back to middle school. Even though we are very different now, it is nice to know you can have a friendship that spans decades. Ra. He reminds me of what true innocence and bliss looks like. He is so sweet, loving, and care free. Sometimes I just look at him and can't help but to smile. Scuro. Sometimes I can just sense how wise she is, and really it is her that takes care of me. She makes me feel special because she isn't as loving to anyone else on this earth as she is to me. When I wake up in the middle of the night, I pull her up close to my pillow. She turns on her melodic purr to lullaby me back to sleep.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
Bananas
I went to the grocery store with Chris tonight, and I bought bananas for smoothies. I spent the day writing a literature review about interorganizational electronic integration. I actually got quite a bit done today even though I kept stopping to cuddle with cats which at one point resulted in a rather lengthy nap. Tomorrow, I am finishing up the literature review and volunteering. I am meeting someone for coffee Monday or Tuesday, but I don't remember which day it was anymore. Regardless, I have an SLC meeting on Tuesday that I know for sure. I teach and go to class on Wednesday. Yadda yadda.
I think Joel is driving me from Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale, and Dave is driving me from Ft. Lauderdale to Tampa. I am still trying to figure out where I am going to stay while I am there. If I can convince Francis to come down one day from Gainesville, maybe I can stay at his townhouse. I know, I know. I have a lot of men in my life. Most of my friends have always been guys. Tom calls them "orbiters." I have a lot of good female friends too though.
Emily left me a voicemail today. I am not quite sure what she said, but I think she must have opened a present I had given her. I need to call Lisa back and catch up. I talk to Kim and Mom a lot more often.
Ra is snoring at the end of the bed. Lately, he has been sleeping with Chris. I think the bond between the two of them is so cute. They spent the afternoon together on the couch watching sports.
I should probably get to bed.
I think Joel is driving me from Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale, and Dave is driving me from Ft. Lauderdale to Tampa. I am still trying to figure out where I am going to stay while I am there. If I can convince Francis to come down one day from Gainesville, maybe I can stay at his townhouse. I know, I know. I have a lot of men in my life. Most of my friends have always been guys. Tom calls them "orbiters." I have a lot of good female friends too though.
Emily left me a voicemail today. I am not quite sure what she said, but I think she must have opened a present I had given her. I need to call Lisa back and catch up. I talk to Kim and Mom a lot more often.
Ra is snoring at the end of the bed. Lately, he has been sleeping with Chris. I think the bond between the two of them is so cute. They spent the afternoon together on the couch watching sports.
I should probably get to bed.
Cruise
This is some of the stuff they have planned for the cruise. I haven't even thought about what I need to bring yet . . .
· Tropical Theme Night – Wear your colorful tropical resort attire, and we will adorn you with a bright floral lei!
· Black and White Night – Wear BLACK, wear WHITE, or wear BLACK & WHITE! This is not a formal night so you can dress it up or down.
· 70’s Disco Fever Karaoke Party!—Bring those bellbottoms, groovy glasses and shiny psychedelic colors that will bring us back to those disco days!
· Cabin Wine Tasting—Bring a bottle of your favorite wine to share with your fellow cruisers. We will dedicate an evening to wine tasting in different host cabins. This is an intimate evening full of fun and laughter.
· Pub Crawl—We visit 5 different bars and keep the fun flowing!
· 2 Formal Nights—Ladies usually where a cocktail dress or gown. Gentlemen usually wear a tuxedo, which you can rent on board, or a smart tie and jacket.
Neon Glow
Nothing like playing around with Photoshop in the wee hours of the morning. Here is me with a neon glow. Better get back to bed . . . a lot of homework going on in a few hours.
Thinking about my earlier post . . . I smile all the time. I guess what I meant was that I smiled inside.
Smile
I smiled today. That felt good. I didn't get much done though. Kevin came over for dinner. I made pork chops, macaroni and cheese, and salad. He brought an apple pie and I had ice cream. It was an impromptu meal, but it worked out pretty well. I thought it was sweet. He bought me three yellow roses and a kitty stuffed animal (which I have since named Charcoal) as a belated Valentine's Day gift. We went to see Music and Lyrics which I really liked. I don't think he enjoyed it quite as much since it was definitely a chick flick. Anyway, I am back home now tucked into bed. Chris is at a friend's tonight dog sitting. That means I will probably have both cats in bed tonight.
I had lunch at Chilis today. I need to get on the elliptical machine tomorrow. My left calf has been tight since going hiking. Jay closed on the condo without a hitch on Friday so mom and Watson can start moving in soon. I am excited for them.
I have a literature review due on Wednesday, so I have to spend the next two days focusing on that. I am running behind. I talked to Mark today. It was nice to hear his voice.
Scuro has hopped into bed. Ra will be soon behind. Since I will probably be awake again in about 3 hours, I should probably try to get some sleep.
I had lunch at Chilis today. I need to get on the elliptical machine tomorrow. My left calf has been tight since going hiking. Jay closed on the condo without a hitch on Friday so mom and Watson can start moving in soon. I am excited for them.
I have a literature review due on Wednesday, so I have to spend the next two days focusing on that. I am running behind. I talked to Mark today. It was nice to hear his voice.
Scuro has hopped into bed. Ra will be soon behind. Since I will probably be awake again in about 3 hours, I should probably try to get some sleep.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
Random Acts of Kindness
People always say they wish they could do something. Here are some things that would be meaningful to me.
1) Show up at my door unannounced to just say hi.
2) Send me something from my Amazon wish list.
3) Send me something else you think I would like.
4) Fix something in my house.
5) Come over to help me with little things like laundry.
6) Post positive comments on my blog.
7) If far away, come for a visit.
8) Give me lots of hugs.
9) Go places with me like the store, volunteering, to the mall, etc.
10) Show an interest in my research. Help me improve my papers.
1) Show up at my door unannounced to just say hi.
2) Send me something from my Amazon wish list.
3) Send me something else you think I would like.
4) Fix something in my house.
5) Come over to help me with little things like laundry.
6) Post positive comments on my blog.
7) If far away, come for a visit.
8) Give me lots of hugs.
9) Go places with me like the store, volunteering, to the mall, etc.
10) Show an interest in my research. Help me improve my papers.
Ovid Quote
"Love and dignity cannot share the same abode."
Main Entry: dig·ni·ty
Pronunciation: 'dig-n&-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
Etymology: Middle English dignete, from Anglo-French digneté, from Latin dignitat-, dignitas, from dignus
1 : the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed
2 a : high rank, office, or position b : a legal title of nobility or honor
3 archaic : DIGNITARY
4 : formal reserve or seriousness of manner, appearance, or language
Trying to interpret this daily quote. To me, it is saying that you must humble yourself to truly live in love. This reminds me of a song by Trisha Yearwood called Down on My Knees where she says "love is not a matter of pride." I think it takes a stronger person to be humble than it does to be assertive. We all want to protect ourselves and build up walls. It seems like that is all society is these days. It is hard to love your neighbor. You can't help a stranger cross the street anymore.
Main Entry: dig·ni·ty
Pronunciation: 'dig-n&-tE
Function: noun
Inflected Form(s): plural -ties
Etymology: Middle English dignete, from Anglo-French digneté, from Latin dignitat-, dignitas, from dignus
1 : the quality or state of being worthy, honored, or esteemed
2 a : high rank, office, or position b : a legal title of nobility or honor
3 archaic : DIGNITARY
4 : formal reserve or seriousness of manner, appearance, or language
Trying to interpret this daily quote. To me, it is saying that you must humble yourself to truly live in love. This reminds me of a song by Trisha Yearwood called Down on My Knees where she says "love is not a matter of pride." I think it takes a stronger person to be humble than it does to be assertive. We all want to protect ourselves and build up walls. It seems like that is all society is these days. It is hard to love your neighbor. You can't help a stranger cross the street anymore.
Friday, February 16, 2007
Even Nerdier
I have reading glasses now. My mom ordered them and sent them a few days ago. They look okay. I have to pay her back. So now I am even nerdier than before.
Jay drove down to Gainesville last night to close on the condo this morning. I am sure everything is going to go fine, but it will be nice to have it official. Mom is excited to move in already. I am going to get her a littler gardening bench and some hand tools as a housewarming present. She won't have much yard to tend, but it will be a bit. She loves growing plants.
Kim and Tony bought a house in Chicago, so they are officially moving. I think Kim is going to enjoy the culture there better than Kentucky. I haven't talked to Lisa for a while. I guess I should give her a call, but I have been pretty stressed lately.
Having some friends over for board games tonight. I need to go shopping for some finger foods. It will be much better than going to a bar. Going to dinner and a movie this weekend. Other than that, I am going to church and studying. I want to catch up with school when I can get something productive done. I have been pretty useless lately.
Let's see. Is there anything else going on? I convinced Chris to start volunteering with me. We went to play with kids the other day, and I am going to play games with elderly people on Monday night. We have been having meetings this semester for the group I helped co-found for women and technology. I cancelled my pest control because I rather have people clean my house, and I am trying to save money. I have 1.5 pounds before I reach my New Year's Resolution weight goal. That's about it.
Jay drove down to Gainesville last night to close on the condo this morning. I am sure everything is going to go fine, but it will be nice to have it official. Mom is excited to move in already. I am going to get her a littler gardening bench and some hand tools as a housewarming present. She won't have much yard to tend, but it will be a bit. She loves growing plants.
Kim and Tony bought a house in Chicago, so they are officially moving. I think Kim is going to enjoy the culture there better than Kentucky. I haven't talked to Lisa for a while. I guess I should give her a call, but I have been pretty stressed lately.
Having some friends over for board games tonight. I need to go shopping for some finger foods. It will be much better than going to a bar. Going to dinner and a movie this weekend. Other than that, I am going to church and studying. I want to catch up with school when I can get something productive done. I have been pretty useless lately.
Let's see. Is there anything else going on? I convinced Chris to start volunteering with me. We went to play with kids the other day, and I am going to play games with elderly people on Monday night. We have been having meetings this semester for the group I helped co-found for women and technology. I cancelled my pest control because I rather have people clean my house, and I am trying to save money. I have 1.5 pounds before I reach my New Year's Resolution weight goal. That's about it.
I Don't Understand, Am I Supposed to?
5 As you do not know the path of the wind,
or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
(So, if we have figured out the wind and how a baby is formed in a mother's womb, should we also understand the workings of God?)
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
But they do not know
the thoughts of the LORD;
they do not understand his plan,
he who gathers them like sheaves to the threshing floor.
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
(I don't even understand if I am supposed to understand or not . . . ?)
or how the body is formed [a] in a mother's womb,
so you cannot understand the work of God,
the Maker of all things.
(So, if we have figured out the wind and how a baby is formed in a mother's womb, should we also understand the workings of God?)
He will not grow tired or weary,
and his understanding no one can fathom.
8 I heard, but I did not understand. So I asked, "My lord, what will the outcome of all this be?"
9 He replied, "Go your way, Daniel, because the words are closed up and sealed until the time of the end. 10 Many will be purified, made spotless and refined, but the wicked will continue to be wicked. None of the wicked will understand, but those who are wise will understand.
a people without understanding will come to ruin!But they do not know
the thoughts of the LORD;
they do not understand his plan,
he who gathers them like sheaves to the threshing floor.
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
"Those who were not told about him will see,
and those who have not heard will understand."[a] 22This is why I have often been hindered from coming to you.
Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is.
(I don't even understand if I am supposed to understand or not . . . ?)
Here I Am
4 in the morning without fail, I am awake. There isn't much to do at this time. No one is on-line. I could try to get some work done, but my head is fuzzy. It is cold outside, and I don't want to get out of bed.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Interesting Article
USA Today
Americans have a third fewer close friends and confidants than just two decades ago — a sign that people may be living lonelier, more isolated lives than in the past.
. . . I knew I was born in the wrong generation.
Americans have a third fewer close friends and confidants than just two decades ago — a sign that people may be living lonelier, more isolated lives than in the past.
. . . I knew I was born in the wrong generation.
My Needs
Needs that are met:
-give attention
-mind/body connection
-community/contribution
-challenge/creativity
-status/power
-safety/security
-adventure/expansion
-exchange
-expression
-freedom
Needs that are unmet:
-receive attention
-purpose/goals/meaning
-intimacy
-control
-acceptance
So, basically all my needs that I can meet myself are met. I am trying to find ways to meet my other needs. I think the reason I lack control is because I don't have the ability to meet my own needs for attention, intimacy, and acceptance. As far as meaning, I have have numerous goals and achievements, but my purpose in life is to have a family. God knows that.
-give attention
-mind/body connection
-community/contribution
-challenge/creativity
-status/power
-safety/security
-adventure/expansion
-exchange
-expression
-freedom
Needs that are unmet:
-receive attention
-purpose/goals/meaning
-intimacy
-control
-acceptance
So, basically all my needs that I can meet myself are met. I am trying to find ways to meet my other needs. I think the reason I lack control is because I don't have the ability to meet my own needs for attention, intimacy, and acceptance. As far as meaning, I have have numerous goals and achievements, but my purpose in life is to have a family. God knows that.
Basic Human Needs
1. The need to give and receive attention.
2. Taking heed of the mind body connection.
3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning.
4. A sense of community and making a contribution.
5. The need for challenge and creativity
6. The need for intimacy
7. The need to feel a sense of control
8. The need for a sense of status
9. The need for a sense safety and security
--Uncommon Knowledge
2. Taking heed of the mind body connection.
3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning.
4. A sense of community and making a contribution.
5. The need for challenge and creativity
6. The need for intimacy
7. The need to feel a sense of control
8. The need for a sense of status
9. The need for a sense safety and security
--Uncommon Knowledge
- Security is the need to feel safe, to feel assured that they know what is going to happen, to know ahead of time what the plans are. What constitutes Security can be different for different people.
- Adventure is the need for an adrenaline rush, to have new experiences, to travel, to have BIG experiences, to have drama in their life, to have a sense of anticipation about upcoming events.
- Freedom is the need for independence and spontaneity. It is also the need to have choices and to feel in control of making those choices.
- Exchange is the need to trade information and knowledge with others, not just to mingle or socialize, but to deliver and receive something of value.
- People with a need for Power need to be in a position of authority and responsibility. They need to explore Power, leadership and accomplishment.
- Expansion is the need to build something, to add onto, to create an empire, to expand horizons, to go where no one has gone before.
- Acceptance is the need to accept yourself and be accepted by others. This includes a feeling of belonging.
- People with a need for Community like having people around. They are highly social and will express their enjoyment of gatherings. These are the best folks to put in charge of parties and company gatherings.
- Expression is the need to be artistic, to be seen, to be heard, to be felt. It is the need to express oneself through words, speech, actions, dress, art and self-creations of all types.
- --Instititute for Management Excellence
Survey Request
As most of you know, I am working on my PhD in Information Technology at UNC Charlotte. I am currently collecting data about white-collared workers’ experiences using information technology in the workplace. I would appreciate it if you could conscientiously fill out this short survey and pass it along to at least 5 other appropriate individuals so that I can collect as many and as diverse responses as possible. Feel free to contact me if you have any additional questions. Thank you for your time!
Please complete or forward this survey within 2 days of receipt. This data will be required for a project I am working on this semester!
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.asp?u=459663321295
Thank you,
Pamela Karr
Intricate Facade
I realized that I put on this intricate facade where most of the time people don't really know who I am or how I am really feeling even though on the surface, it looks like I am completely open. And the thing is, I don't even realize when I am doing it half the time. Kirk recently mentioned that I have a "picture face" whenever I pose for pictures. Not intentionally, this is a well rehearsed posed. I look happy and calm in nearly all my pictures. I have all these crazy dreams at night, and I wake up with break through ideas sometimes. I think I have learned to supress a lot of my deeper emotions because I was taught they were bad or I would get punished for them. Sometimes they surface, and I completely panic because I don't know how to handle them. Most of the times, I keep them at bay, and they just overpower me at night when I am most unguarded.
Scuro is my guardian angel. God sent her to me to take care of me. I am sure of it. She has been through so much with me so maybe she is the only one who really understands. It is my job to protect and love Ra and Scuro for the rest of their lives. They are my angels. God recently sent Mark an angel too. I am so thankful for them!
I have to be up and working in a few hours, so I better try to get back to sleep.
Scuro is my guardian angel. God sent her to me to take care of me. I am sure of it. She has been through so much with me so maybe she is the only one who really understands. It is my job to protect and love Ra and Scuro for the rest of their lives. They are my angels. God recently sent Mark an angel too. I am so thankful for them!
I have to be up and working in a few hours, so I better try to get back to sleep.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Sleepy
I am tucked into bed, and I am very sleepy. I have left over white chocolate bread pudding that I forgot to get out of the car, but I am too sleepy to get up and get it. Besides, the garage is as cold as the refridgerator anyway. Class went pretty well tonight even though I was hoping to end it a little earlier. Ann reminded me that I should probably go shopping this weekend for some bathing suits and clothes for the cruise. They have themed events, evidently. I am a little apprehensive since I have never been on a cruise before. It was freezing tonight. I am not used to such cold weather.
MySpace
Here are some messages I got on MySpace recently:
"Well, you don't live that far from me...And you're gorgeous!!! I'd adore every inch of you!" --Random internet guy
"You look like the dark haired girl from 90210. I have been wondering who you look like for a while now. And now I know. How are you doing Pam? Are you teaching this spring?" --Student from last semester
"Check out my latest blog when you get a chance. Think you might recognize someone."
. . .
"I have this cool friend who is gorgeous, smart as all get out, great smile and personality to match. Accomplished more in her short time on this planet than most will at age 90. Breaks guy's hearts just looking at her because they all sayin', "wow, I could never get a girl that sweet to even look twice at me. I might as well just kill myself right now." And yet, she gets depressed a lot, has bad/unfulfilling relationships, gets hurt all the time, and I worry about her. What's wrong with that picture? It's pretty simple really.
She just doesn't know what she has. Not yet, anyway.
My wish is that all of us would be able to recognize what we have, and to maximize those gifts in ourselves so we can not only appreciate our own worth, but to use those gifts to be a blessing to others." --Dear friend/coworker from Florida
I have realized that I have a whoel bunch of great people in my life (not including random internet guy). I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for the kindness of others.
Agape,
Pam
"Well, you don't live that far from me...And you're gorgeous!!! I'd adore every inch of you!" --Random internet guy
"You look like the dark haired girl from 90210. I have been wondering who you look like for a while now. And now I know. How are you doing Pam? Are you teaching this spring?" --Student from last semester
"Check out my latest blog when you get a chance. Think you might recognize someone."
. . .
"I have this cool friend who is gorgeous, smart as all get out, great smile and personality to match. Accomplished more in her short time on this planet than most will at age 90. Breaks guy's hearts just looking at her because they all sayin', "wow, I could never get a girl that sweet to even look twice at me. I might as well just kill myself right now." And yet, she gets depressed a lot, has bad/unfulfilling relationships, gets hurt all the time, and I worry about her. What's wrong with that picture? It's pretty simple really.
She just doesn't know what she has. Not yet, anyway.
My wish is that all of us would be able to recognize what we have, and to maximize those gifts in ourselves so we can not only appreciate our own worth, but to use those gifts to be a blessing to others." --Dear friend/coworker from Florida
I have realized that I have a whoel bunch of great people in my life (not including random internet guy). I wouldn't have made it this far if it weren't for the kindness of others.
Agape,
Pam
Valentine's Day
Here is an article about the history of Valentine's Day. For those who have a Valentine, cherish them and love them. Be there for each other.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Abigail
And this is the Compassion child I started sponsoring in November. Her name is Abigail, and she lives in Bolivia. If you would like to send me extra monetary donations to help support her, I would be happy to send them.
Sophia
My ex Jim just had a baby! I didn't even know they were pregnant. Just goes to show that even a tough, cynical guy like Jim can melt at the sight of his first born child.
Tampa Bay
Hey everyone in Tampa Bay. I am going to be in town the follow dates/times:
March 2, Friday from 6 PM
March 11, Sunday from about 2 PM and available for breakfast the next day
Let me know if either of those days work for you, and let me know if you have a place for me to crash. Ann and I are taking a cruise out of Ft. Lauderdale. Joel is driving us from Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale, but we can't stay in his dorm room while in Tampa.
March 2, Friday from 6 PM
March 11, Sunday from about 2 PM and available for breakfast the next day
Let me know if either of those days work for you, and let me know if you have a place for me to crash. Ann and I are taking a cruise out of Ft. Lauderdale. Joel is driving us from Tampa to Ft. Lauderdale, but we can't stay in his dorm room while in Tampa.
Heads Carolina
I have been sleeping with my laptop Charlotte for the last few weeks because I keep waking up randomly. I don't sleep well at night, and I think that is why I nap so much during the day. Scuro has been meowing and waking me up lately which is unusual for her. She comes up to me on the left side of the bed, merps, and lays down to cuddle. I was wondering if maybe she was cold, but then I was wondering if I was having a nightmare and she could tell. Maybe she was just waking me up to tell me everything is okay, mommy. I do that with her when I see she is shaking or whining with a dream. Maybe she is just chasing the bunnies in the backyard, but I always gently pet her and tell her I love her to make sure she knows she is safe. Maybe we do that for each other.
Monday, February 12, 2007
Water
| Your Love Element Is Water |
 In love, you connect deeply and commit totally. For you, love is all about taking risks and moving into unknown territory. You attract others with courage and confidence. Your flirting style is defined by your flexibility and ability to adapt. Nurturing and shared learning are the cornerstones of your love life. And while you may jump in to love too quickly, you always come out the wiser for it. You connect best with: Metal Avoid: Earth You And another Water element: will pull each other down into a dark place |
Tickle
Your Sweet Spirit makes you amazing
Have a heart? You certainly do. Thoughtful and warm, you make other people feel at ease and welcome whether you're hosting a party or just attending it. You can't help it — you're a sweetheart who's a great friend to just about everyone.
Sincere and kindhearted, you look out for those you love and will often put the needs of others before your own. It's no surprise friends and family look to you for advice and a shoulder to lean on. Helping other people makes you happy. That's the best super power any hero could have!
What Makes You Amazing?
Island
No one disagrees with John Donne when he said "no man is an island." However, no one lives like that either. It is always take care of yourself. Don't give up control. Don't count on anyone else. Love yourself first. Your main responsibility is only to you. I guess the problem is that I believe John Donne. I am not an island. I don't think I should take care of myself before others. I don't believe that we shouldn't depend on one another. I don't believe that if I do something that it doesn't affect someone else's life. If there is something that I can do for someone else that someone else may not be able to do, it is my responsibility to do it. I am reading a book for "Women Who Love Too Much," and I just don't believe that there is such a thing as too much. I believe that most people just don't love enough. It says to protect yourself from "men who are emotionally unavailable, addicted to work, alcohol, or other women - men who cannot love back," who are "troubled, distant, and moody." Don't these people need love too? My counselor recommended the book for me to read. I have been reading a whole bunch of self-help books, and they all contradict what the Bible teaches. It teaches you to put others above yourself. It teaches you to love sacrificially. It teaches you to forgive. It teaches you to take care of each other. Even if these weren't from the Bible, they make sense to me. My counselor has just about given up on me. She suggested electroconvulsive therapy and is sending me to talk with the campus minister. I am not doing well, but my mind is the best thing I have going for me. Outlook bleak. Did homework today. I am tired now. Valentine's Day is an important day to me, but this Valentine's Day is going to be very sad. Chris is home. I should say hello.
Juxtaposition
“You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that unhinges my soul.”
"Crazy people who are productive are geniuses. Crazy people who are rich are eccentric. Crazy people who are neither productive nor rich are just plain crazy."
"To be conscious that you are ignorant is a great step to knowledge."
“Doubt is not the opposite of faith; it is one element of faith”
“There is no such thing as bravery; only degrees of fear.”
"Hate is not the opposite of love; apathy is."
“Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own.”
Self
Proverbs 18:1
An unfriendly man pursues selfish ends; he defies all sound judgment.
Luke 9:25
What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit his very self?
Romans 2:8
But for those who are self-seeking and who reject the truth and follow evil, there will be wrath and anger.
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Sasha
This is Sasha. She is such a sweet and gentle dog. She gave me kisses. She was almost my dog, but she isn't though. She recently had eye surgery because Chows often have problems with their eyes. We aren't sure, but we think she is mostly Chow if not all Chow. Doesn't she look so cuddly? I miss her and want to just cuddle with her. She needs lots of love, just like me.
Stone Mountain
I had an eventful yet not so productive weekend. On Saturday, I went hiking at Reedy Creek with CHOA and Kevin. Later in the evening, I met Jay up in Elkin. We got up this morning and went to Stone Mountain and went hiking. We saw Stone Mountain Waterfall which was really pretty. Then we went to RagApple Lassie Vineyard and did a wine tasting. I bought a bottle of dessert wine which was the only one sweet enough for me. I drove home and am really sleepy. My legs are sore in kind of a nice way from the inclines of the hikes.
I have a meeting on campus tomorrow with my professor to talk about the research I have yet to do. I need to wake up early tomorrow and get that done. I am still missing my center. I guess I have never really had one. Some days I feel fine and others I feel like I am going to die. I wish God was more tangible. I want Him to show up at my door and hold me. Strengthen me.
God, I pray for Jay. He is a good man. Please show him that he is worthy of love from a women who truly loves him instead of just needing him. Now that he is done with his PhD, please help him find the family that he has been searching for. Bless him with a good wife and some kids. Amen.
I have a meeting on campus tomorrow with my professor to talk about the research I have yet to do. I need to wake up early tomorrow and get that done. I am still missing my center. I guess I have never really had one. Some days I feel fine and others I feel like I am going to die. I wish God was more tangible. I want Him to show up at my door and hold me. Strengthen me.
God, I pray for Jay. He is a good man. Please show him that he is worthy of love from a women who truly loves him instead of just needing him. Now that he is done with his PhD, please help him find the family that he has been searching for. Bless him with a good wife and some kids. Amen.
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