Pedro and Jamie

Pedro posted his wedding pictures on his website.

Baking Cookies and Packing for the Holidays

Well, I haven't actually WRITTEN anything on here for quite some time. I got pretty busy with the semester. Things have been going pretty well. Gene and I are doing well. We have only been dating for about two months though. He loves the cats even though he is allergic to them. I guess he likes me too.

I bought the books Randy suggested I buy from Amazon market place. I bought them for $0.01 and $0.02, but of course, shipping was about $7. They were still cheap, so I am happy.

We are going to Florida to see family for the holidays. I should have thought about it before, but I need to see if someone will house sit the cats. I will miss my kitties!

I talked to Todd yesterday. He seems to be doing well although he might be moving to the East coast. He just bought a really nice house, but I guess you have to go where you think you will be happiest.

I got one B and the rest A's for the semester which is pretty good. I am not very happy with the B because it was in the class I worked my butt off in. It would have made more sense if it were a different class.

I worked full-time this week. I enjoy the people I work with. Even though I don't hang out with outside of work, they are a really cool group of people. Note to self - get people from work together sometime.

I have no idea what kind of clothes to pack for Florida. Lisa made fun of me when I wore my sweater and scarf for Thanksgiving. Weather.com says it will be in the 60's and 70's, so I guess I can leave most of my winter clothes at home.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well. I have to go pack now.

Hugs,
Pam

Recapping 2005 - Some Fun Stuff

Kenny and Pam - White water rafting

Pam and Family at Charles Shultz Museum in California

Pam and Joel at the Marine ball

Pam and Tim at Halloween party

Pam, Melanie, and Steve cutting a rug at Pedro and Jamie's wedding

Pam and Gene




I am not sure who is studying - Ra or me. But we are a diligent bunch at the Karr house!

















Ra (conehead) thinking he can clean himself through the cone



Scuro (a cat with a double chin)

Recapping 2005 - $25,000 Fellowship Banquet

Recapping 2005 - Pam's House in Charlotte

You can find more pictures in my Yahoo photo albums.

Recapping 2005 - Pam's House in St. Pete

My house in St. Pete - BEFORE















My House in St. Pete - DURING















My House in St. Pete - AFTER

Us

Pam, Ann, and Jeanne

Here is a picture from the DC trip a few weeks ago. Miss you guys!

Craftsman Truck Series Banquet

We are on the far (far) right.

Ice, Ice Baby

Gene couldn't get into his car this morning because his door was frozen shut. It didn't snow last night like they said it might, but there is ice everywhere this morning. I am glad I don't have to leave my house until later in the day, or else I wouldn't know what to do.

Joel, the kitties (and I) miss you. I have no one to proofread my papers. Ra opens your bedroom door every morning to see if you are home.

And, it is too cold for the cats to use the litter box in the garage. I guess I can't blame them. They have spent their whole lives in Florida. They both decided to use the front door mat instead. Must see if moving the litter box closer to the door to the garage fixes the problem. Or else the litter box will have to come in for the winter.

I have two presentations to work on today. I have two papers due Friday, and I have an exam due back (take home) next Wednesday. That's it for the semester! I have no clue what kind of grades to expect. A or B I know, but other than that, who knows. I cried when I got my first B, but I think I am over that now. I am cutting myself some slack because I have a lot on my plate. Besides publications and dissertation matter. As long as I graduate, grades really don't.

Ra's Porn Star Pose

End of the Semester Stress

I can't sleep. Argh. I don't know why I can't sleep sometimes. Maybe it is too much caffeine. Maybe I ate too late. Maybe it is too much to do. Maybe too many thoughts in my head. You tell people that you are jittery, and they want to know why. Sometimes there isn't really a reason. It is just a feeling. They get mad at you when there is no reason, and you can't just stop it. It doesn't help the situation.

Things that make me feel calm:

Sitting with the shower running. Petting cats. Typing my thoughts. Reading to me. Talking me to sleep. Back massages. Sleeping on the couch with the tv on. Writing in my journal. Organizing things. Sitting in front of my computer. Spending time with someone I care about.

Things that stress me out:

Too many deadlines at once. Thinking too much. Talking to people who are unhappy with me or ask too many questions. Being the last one to fall asleep. When the house is messy. Gaining weight. People telling me to relax. Mortality. Headaches.

At Pedro's Wedding

For All The Year-Long Monogamous

They have come up with an answer! I saw a news article on Yahoo today called

Molecule gives passionate lovers just one year.

It explains everything!

Back Home with the Kitties

Gene and I got back from Tampa this morning. I was supposed to write my proposal all day today, but thank God, my teacher cancelled class. We have an extra week to work on our paper.

Thanks to Muhammed for watching the kitties.
Thanks to Dave for picking me up from the airport and driving me to Gainesville.

The wedding was awesome. I also got to see Bonnie and JR and went to my old church. It was great to see all of my friends.

I rock at Scattegories. Gene - not so good. ;-)

Yo Quiero Taco Bell

Darn it. I wanted a steak chalupa, and I got a beef gordita. Sigh.

Joel left today. I think he saw it more as a permanent, final, and grim thing. I saw it as, well, I will see you Wednesday. I am fustrated. I love the boy. I would do anything humanly possible to make him happy except the one thing he wants. I understand how he feels, but it doesn't give me any way to fix it. I hope he is doing all right. I know he will be fine. I will eventually talk to him when he is ready, but I fear talking to him right now would just excerbate the problem.

Kim and Tony visited this weekend. I liked having them in my house. I like having company. I actually found some better things to do with them than when Auntie Dora and Doug were here. I will see them on Friday for Pedro and Jamie's wedding.

I have two cats sitting in a chair and a half with me. I have a boy snoring on the couch. I have candles burning and a failed attempt at a fire in the fireplace.

I talked to Muhammed today. It was good to hear from him. We are both so busy right now. I am not assuming we are growing a part. I am just assuming we are busy. When we are less busy, we will see each other. That is what good friends are all about.

I tried to convince Dave to move to Charlotte. Poor Gene. He doesn't know what to think with me and all my guys. He is being good about it though.

I am debating on if I am going to finish up my research proposal work that needs to be done. I am really dreading it. I think the reason is because it was so hard to get it to the point it is now, and I got a little burnt out on it.

Maybe if I find those breathe right strips that someone (was it Kenny?) got me, then he will be quieter.

So what happened to Todd? I hope he is doing well. I fell for that boy hard. I got really hurt when things weren't what I thought they were. However, I just put everything into perspective by thinking a half second about Sean, and it doesn't seem as much of a big deal anymore. I had a dream the other night that I got a piece of mail for Sean by accident. It was addressed to Mr. and Mrs. Brazas and 1/2. Somehow in the dream I interpreted that to mean he was married with a kid. Crap, it has been over a year. How can you effectively just pretend a person never existed?

I think I will just go to bed and wake up early in the morning. Usually, that just means that I am going to bed and will decide it isn't worth waking up early when the morning comes.

The semester is officially over December 12th.

Sitting by the Fire

It was freezing this morning! We have had a fire going all day. I am excited because Kim and Tony are going to be here tomorrow. I have to find someone to watch the cats over Thanksgiving. Pedro and Jamie are getting married soon! A lot has been going on. The semester is winding down so I have to start buckling down and get some papers written. Argh!

Joel is thinking about going to USF in the Spring. I hate to see him go, but it might be the best decision for him right now. It is sad how the general workforce doesn't see 4 years of the Marines as much work experience. He also has a problem with me dating - so sometimes when I get happier, he gets sadder. It makes the situation tough sometimes.

I haven't been writing much lately. I think I have been enjoying spending time with people instead of in front of my computer. I tend to find myself here for work and school way too often.

I am ready for this semester to be over!

Marine Ball

I am Sick :-(

I have green stuff in my throat, my tummy hurts, and my head is foggy. I need cuddling.

Glob

No, I have not abandoned my blog. I went to Fredricksburg, VA to see Ann and Jeanne this weekend. Joel went with me so he could do some siteseeing in DC. We had lots of fun, and it is always good seeing them.

I just finished writing a paper which is due tomorrow, so I am excited that I am going to be able to actually get to sleep at a decent hour tonight. Mondays and Tuesdays are definitely my rough days in the week. Tuesday won't be so bad because class was cancelled. My professor's mom is ill so he is flying to see her. I hope everything goes all right. He seemed somber in class, but he was keeping everything together really well. That is very much unlike me. I would call myself genuine. I am not professional. When I am being nice, I am really being nice. When I am working hard, I am really working hard. When I am upset, I am really upset. I have a high level of transparency. I don't really leave people guessing. I am sure that causes me a lot of problems, but it is part of who I am. I don't think there is a right or a wrong about it.

I am thirsty.

Next weekend I am going to the Marine Ball with Joel. The weekend after that, Kim and Tony will be visiting. And the week after that, I will be in Florida for Thanksgiving and Pedro & Jamie's wedding. I need to buckle down this week and write the end-of-the-semester papers so I won't have to spend all my vacation time with a laptop in front of me.

Hugs,
Pam

Halloween Pictures

Sleepy Pam

I can't think too much right now. Brian - whoops, brain fried. Must work in the morning. So do I get to sleep an extra hour or do I have to wake up an extra hour earlier? I am so confused.

I hope trick-or-treaters come tomorrow. I didn't see any this weekend, and I have a cake dish and a turkey roaster full of candy.

Hugs,
Pam

Dear God

Thank you for my friends. Thank you for reminding me that life is good. Thank you for the ability to laugh, love, and take care of one another. Please forgive me for forgetting to be thankful and forgetting to thank you more often. Life is hard, but I guess it wouldn't be so worthwhile if it weren't. I don't really understand any of it, but I know that You do. Thank you for making me realize when I am feeling sorry for myself that there are people who are worse off and I have the ability to make a difference in their lives. Please give me the strength to be able to do so. This is truly a crazy, beautiful world. Sometimes the ugliness blurs things, but it has to exist so that the beauty can resurface and we see it for what it is. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who doesn't know what the heck they are doing. Now that completely freaks me out. Then I realize through just a glimpse in someone else's eyes that they feel that way too. Maybe they are just better at hiding it than I am. In any event, it makes us all the same. I think, deep down, we are all searching for You.

My heart is racng tonight and making it hard to sleep. Might be from diet Pepsi at two in the morning, or it might be from all the thoughts racing around in my head. Regardless, it is a perfect time to spend some time alone with You. There are so many people who need You. I know I tend to focus on my own needs because I know first hand what they are, but I see small parts of what other people need. It is funny how the desires of people's hearts can be seen with small interactions. I ask that You take those most deperate needs in all of us, and fill them. A major task, but nothing You are incapable of. If I ask much of You, it is because I know You are truly the only one who is capable . . . Please, take care of them all. Please, impress upon us to take care of each other.

How do I seek You?? It is something I want to do, but I am not sure how it is done. I have always been strong on determination. That more than anything has gotten me where I am. I know how to get most things myself, but I don't know how to find You. Where are you? How can I find You while I am here? You ask me to dimiss my own agenda to follow yours, but how do I do that when I am not quite sure what it is?

So many questions? I know sometimes I sound beligerent. It is my fustration because I know I am not doing good enough. It is hard for me to accept that I can't be good enough for You. Why should You love me then? Your grace. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand unconditional love. I have tried to love others that way, but truthfully, sometimes, it just hurts too much. So how do You do it?

God, I pray for You. I know You are omnipotent and everything, but geez, you must get lonely sometimes. Even if you are surrounded by angels and those who have already come to join You, it must be lonely being You. No one understands You. There is no one to take care of You. It must be reall hard. Is that part of the reason You created us? It doesn't make sense that we are all just some huge science project.

I want You to hold me. You saved us once, but we really need saving every day.

Through Jesus,
Amen . . . Let it be.

Long Day

I have been crazy busy lately. I bought two Halloween costumes today. I bought a Vampirette costume and a foilage fairy costume (which looks better on Joel than me - don't ask).

Gene and I were supposed to go see a movie tonight, but he had to work late. What a punk! (Joking)

I am sleepy!! Nothing profound going on in my head tonight. I need to get some fangs.

Everyone is breaking up it seems like. Maybe something is in the air. I guess I should be lucky that I don't have a boyfriend because I would have to worry about breaking up. Boy, does that cause emotional distress! My prayers are with those who are going through it right now . . .

On a more positive note, Ra's butt is beginning to look more orange again.

Hugs,
Pam

Too Tired to Blog

Happy Birthday to my neice Rachael!

Proposal

I am sitting down to rewrite my proposal. I have been busy the past few days. Last night, Gene and I went to the Cheescake Factory and to the Comedy Zone. They were having a celebrity show with some people from Living Single. It was a good show. Today I had a picnic with the BISOM PhD students and faculty. I just got back. Tomorrow I am going to church then to the Renaissance Festival with some friends.

Hey, Rob. I tried to figure out more about you. From what I can find, you are either:

a) The child of Lynn and Robert
b) A big fan of The Cure, The Sisters of Mercy, The Primitives, Stereolab
c) About 30 years old
d) An employee of the national weather service
e) A Broncos fan
f) Take growth hormones
g) Into Dance Party
h) Into BMX bikes
i) Initialed RSW or REW
j) A swinger

Anywhere close? I found other info, but I didn't think it would be appropriate to post things like last names, addresses, and phone numbers. I mean, there ARE crazy Internet stalkers out there. :-)

Talk to you guys later,
Pam

Beautiful NC Day

The weather was absolutely perfect today. Pearl was topless on the way home from work. Joel painted another wall today, so the house is coming along well. I had my first official PhD exam last night. It went well except I wrote so much my pen ran out of ink. I have been meeting a lot of new people. I have been working/studying quite a bit as well. I have a PhD picnic on Saturday, and I am going to go to the Renaissance Festival on Sunday. I will probably get some medeival garb for Halloween. Joel bought some when he went last weekend. I thought about borrowing his suit of armor and going as my own knight in shining armor, but then I thought that might be too pathetic. Enough for tonight. I think I am going to try to get to sleep early. Made pork chops, mac and cheese, and asparagus for dinner. I like cooking.

Joel Reynolds, Joel Lee Reynolds, CPL Joel Reynolds - He was complaining that he wasn't hitting the search engines. :-)

Sharing

I just listened to a good Christian-based message about the differences between men and women. I thought it was a good message for both singles and married couples, so I thought I would share it. I am not trying to create controversy, so if you don't subscribe to Christian doctrines, don't listen to it if you don't want to. Click here. I zipped up the .cda files that you can burn to a CD or listen to from your computer.

Is Love Overused?

We tend to think we should reserve the "L" word just for those special occassions or people. Why? Can love really get overused? Sure, it might make sense when we are talking about inanimate objects, but when we are talking about people, how in the world can we ever love too much?

You shouldn't have to be married to someone to love them. Why not be generous with love? Love your friends, family, co-workers, acquanitances, strangers, enemies . . .

Just because you love much doesn't mean that the object of your affection becomes less special. Loving does not make you less faithful in your love. If you truly love, then you would never intentionally do anything to hurt those that you love. Love doesn't have to be romantic to be genuine. To tell someone you love them isn't capitulation.

Reserving your love reflects poorly on you . . . not the person you are withholding it from. Try telling someone you love them today for the first time. We all have people in our lives that we truly do love but have never felt it appropriate to let them know. That's just silly.

Haste to love, procrastinate to hate.

Photo Montage

Joel buying his first car!
Joel Reynolds, Joel Reynold, Joel, Reynolds
(Making sure he hits the search engines :-)











Me Looking Sleepy . . .














Todd. The last visual image of an ex is the one that sticks . . .












Kammy, my cousin's daughter. So cute!
















Cone-head trying to lick himself . . .








My first fire in my fireplace!

Avoid Quarrels . . .

• Learn to "drop the matter"
• Avoid quarrels not your own.
• Avoid gossip. "Without gossip a quarrel dies down."
• Learn to be a giver. "A generous man will prosper."
  

Pam, Kristen, and Melinda

Improve

Step 1: Exercise. We went jogging again tonight.
Step 2: Take photo off of yahoo profile. I am tired of comments about my outer beauty when people don't know anything about my inner beauty.
Step 3: Church. Gene is going to go with me to church on Sunday.
Step 4: See friends. I am going to D.C. to hang out with Ann and Jeanne the first weekend in November.
Step 5: Pray.

Jeremiah 29:11

"I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Moratorium

I am taking a blog moratorium until I change/fix some things.

Bye,
Pam

Non-Stick Pam

Joel and I went running tonight. I have never been that great of a runner. He gave me a calf rub afterwards because I was getting shin splits. Dancing in heels the other night plus running tonight - bad combo. I smell like cherry almond lotion now.

Interesting comment about my feet: "Some people have high arches. But, you, it looks like you were born with high heels on."

Assessment of My Life:
-School is going well. I am a little behind on a proposal for one of my classes, but everything else is going well.
-Work. Work has been awesome. I like working with Woody because we have fun with it. They have been very flexible with my work schedule which helps. And I got a really good performance review.
-House. The house is looking awesome! Joel has been painting, and we have been slowly putting everything together.
-Cats. Scuro is doing well. Ra's tail is healing up nicely. His fur is growing back so his butt is starting to look its normal orangish color.
-Financial. I can't complain. I am no where near the starving college student level that I am supposed to be. I have money invested and put away for retirement. My creit score is really high, and my school is paying for my PhD.
-Health. I am glad Joel is here because he gets me out jogging from time to time. I need to eat a little better, but I am not eating horribly.
-Time. Okay, this one needs some work. I don't have much free time, so I am often sleepy these days.
-Friends. I have been socializing with my friends. I have been making a lot of new friends. I need to make more female friends - the male friendships always get too complicated.
-Love Life. Yeah, the Todd thing sucks. I am sure I will hear from him one day. I have met a few nice guys on-line. Most of them are a little farther away than I would like, but I have been raising my standards lately. Can't always find the perfect guy right down the road (Joel would probably argue with that). I am reaffirming my strategy to find a great guy and a stable, happy relationship. I am going to do my best to find out if the next guy is the right one before getting all involved with anyone.
-Family. Good, I talked to Kim, Lisa, and Mom last week. I have already made Thanksgiving plans.
-Faith. I really need to work on this. I have been praying regularly, but I have done little other seeking recently. I think I am going to see if I can tag along with Matt and his wife to their church group next week.
-What else? I am sure I am missing some facet of my life, but I can't think of any right now.

Emotional health-wise, I am doing all right. Things get a little tougher when I am more stressed. However, I have realized that I really only get depressed when people I care about treat me like they don't care about me. I don't get depressed over school, money, work, etc. Those things are pretty much cake. I have a internal locus of control except for the most part. I make my choices and define my success. However, I have an external locus of control to the extent that what really matters to me are other people. Am I using these terms correctly? Let me check . . . ooh, I found an article. Hmmm. Well, whatever, you get the point.

I think I am going to go Latin dancing soon. It sounded like fun. Maybe I will take some ballroom dancing lessons or something. I really want to find a recreational activity. I know I don't have much spare time, but I think I would be lessed stressed if there was some kind of activity outside of all the things I have to get done.

Another Late Night

After I thought I was settled in for the night, Jess called. She and some of her friends were at Midtown, so I joined them for a few hours. I am sleepy now.

I have been going out quite a lot lately. I guess it is good for me, but my clothes are definitely getting very smoky. I mean, you can usually wear a bra at least twice before having to wash it. Not lately - ugh - I can't stand smoke.

I am going to make an effort to actually sleep in my bed tonight. I have been staying on the couch for the past week. Hmm, maybe I am mad at myself.

I have been meeting a lot of new people lately. I just want to make more of an effort to keep in touch with those I have already met as well. It seems like we all get so busy sometimes.

Matt invited me to go with him and his wife to their church group. I think I would liek to try that out. He said there are a lot of college students who are close to my age in the group. I made sure that it wasn't just a whole bunch of married people though.

Very sleepy now. I need lots of hugs.

My friend Tim might come visit the weekend before Thanksgiving. I haven't seen him since my undergraduate graduation. My friend Henry might be down this way the beginning of December. It has been even longer since I have seen him. I don't think anyone else has plans of visiting any time soon. I know Dave wants to come see me, but I also know he has a pretty tight schedule right now.

Blackberry Wine

I went to the wine, art, and food festival with Joel, Bryan, Jess, and Todd (different Todd). I actually found some wines that didn't make me make a funny face after trying them. I think the blackberry wine was my favorite. Most of the wine vendors were local to NC so that was pretty cool. Todd (regular Todd) should have made it down since he is thinking about starting a vinyard in NC.

It was a nice day today, but the ground was a little mushy. I cleaned the house before leaving this morning and did some laundry. We went to the festival at 3 PM, and I just got back. I am going to do some homework tomorrow so I don't get behind.

Nothing that eventful to report on today.

Conehead the Barbarian

I found my toe ring! Yay!

Joel, Bryan, and I went dancing at the Breakfast Club tonight. I had fun. I wish people weren't allowed to smoke in places like that. Nothing like working up a good sweat so that the smoke just sticks to your skin and hair. Yummy.

There is a wine festival tomorrow. Designated driver tickets are only $5 cheaper than wine tasting tickets. What a rip off! I will probably try to get some friends together to go.

I missed class today. Joel and I went to South Park Mall so I could exchange the bras he got me for my birthday. They were nice, but I am not a big fan of a lot of padding in a bra. So, anyway, today was his first day driving on the interstate. We are still alive. However, it started raining really hard and traffic got backed up, so by the time I made it back to the University area, class was probably already over. I hope they don't get too upset with me!

I talked to Lisa (my sister) and Mom on the phone today. I got to talk to my neice Rachael too. She is getting so big! Her birthday is coming up soon. She will be half my age - 13. Wait a minute - unless she is 13 and will be 14. It is so hard to keep up!

I need to go out more often. I like getting compliments from strangers. Some of them are kinda scary, but some of them are genuine and nice. The bouncer guy at the club was sweet. He said I looked very pretty and smiled at me. I stayed clear of the guy who said "damn, girl" as I walked by. No wonder no one ever picks me up in bars or dance clubs, I run away! I know I am a very social person, but it some ways, I am really shy.

Sleepy. G'night.

More Pam

More Thanks

More people to thank for acknowledging my birthday: Joel (dinner), Cecil, Pedro, Ann, Rick, Kenny, Wes, and Pete.

I am very full. I had a steak and potato and fried cheesecake for dessert.

I have some free time next week because I am off from class on Monday and Tuesday. I am going to do something fun this weekend. However, I do have to put in some hours rewriting my proposal. Su and I are working together on two projects so I have been seeing a lot of him lately. I wish he would talk more in class though because since we are the only two in class, I have to pretent to know what I am talking about all the time.

Muhammed and I had this theory. We decided that 26th birthdays are just supposed to suck. He didn't have a very great birthday a few months ago. Mine was okay, but I am trying to remind myself to be thankful for all the people who did call instead of being upset about the one person who didn't call.

Anyway, Muhammed - you are supposed to call tomorrow and tell me when you want to get together. It has been forever since we have hung out.

Here is a picture of Joel and I before going out to dinner:

Thanks Mom!

Today is my birthday, and the person I have to thank most is my mom. She has probably been the one to put up with the most grief from me over the years. When things go wrong, sometimes I tend to find her responsible. I know she loves me, and I love her. Thanks for being my mom.

Special thanks to:
Andrew - great happy birthday movie clip. Definitely made me smile.
Frank - I love that you always remember my birthday.
Pei Jen - for calling me an old hag.
Kim & Tony - thanks for the earrings
Tausha & Michael - thanks for the card!
Mom - thanks for the license plate thingy and picture frame
Lisa et al. - thanks for the ornament and earrings
Joel - thanks for the bras, keyboard, putting up with me
Stacey - thanks for the CD. I know I need to get back to church!
Gene - Thanks for the e-card
Jason - thanks for the e-mail
Tim - thanks for the e-mail. You did get the right day
Bryan - tahnks for dinner and the morning text message
Dr. Khouja - thanks for the hershey's kisses
Mrs. Burroughs - the great happy birthday wish she left on my voicemail
Work et al. - thanks to those who remembered. Glad you forgot to bring the tiara.
Muhammed - thanks for the text message
Jess, Susan, etc. - thanks for the happy birthday posts
Scuro and Ra - thanks for playing with the ribbon from the wrappings
Dave - thanks for the IM last night
Dr. Ribarsky - thanks for making the abstract due at midnight instead of this morning

I think that covers it so far. Love you guys.

Pam

Where the Heck Did My Toe Ring Go?

I didn't think I wouldn't notice a toe ring coming off my foot, but evidently, I didn't. It is gone! It was such a good toe ring. Let's take a minute to mourn its loss . . .

. . .
. . .
. . .


Anyway, I went to the Melting Pot with Bryan tonight (not Jess's ex-Bryan, a different one). It was enjoyable. I didn't really want to go to the Melting Pot ON my birthday because of bad memories from last year, but I had a good time. It was a different environment so it didn't have quite the same effect. I don't think I am ever going to go to the Melting Pot on 4th Street ever again.

I appreciate people who appreciate others. Of course, part of the reason is because I like when I am appreciated. However, it isn't just that. There is something about a person who can identify something good about someone else and not be afraid to bring it to their attention. I think so many times, we feel vulnerable if we let people know we like something about them. It is almost like complimenting someone else gives them an upperhand or something. It is just refreshing when you see someone who tries to find the beauty in others instead of their faults. In somes ways, that shows a level of self-confidence.

I see myself withholding compliments sometimes because of my own insecurities. I try not to do it. One of the things I think is best about me is that I am genuine. Most of the time, if I feel a certain way, I let people know. In fact, I have a hard time not sharing how I feel about things even if it would be advantageous to me. Sometimes I know that I could manipulate someone if I played it cool or refrained from saying certain things or doing certain things. It is tempting because I get tired of getting hurt. However, in the end, I just tend to be me. I figure if they really care, then they will find the merit in that. If I care about someone, I tell them. It might be defeating the excitement of the chase, but who wants a relationship that they can only keep if they keep running away from it?

Sorry, I am getting all philosophical today. It is interesting how much significance an event has in your life depends on the events before and after that event. I really cared about Jason when we were together, but I am okay that we aren't. I don't even think about that much anymore. If anything, I still am challenged to keep Sean out of my head. That was a major event in my life. It is a marker in which all other events in my life will be compared. It makes bad things not feel so bad because in comparison the pain is a pale and insignificant comparison.

Just in case you are wondering, I am not mentioning Todd not because he is insignificant. I don't think my thoughts are well enough formulated to write anything worthwhile regarding that topic.

I miss the time Ryan and I went to the Smoky Mountains for our one year anniversary (or was it two years?). It was the first time I ever went camping or really even on a vacation. We were young and in love. And that is the first time I discovered waterfalls!

I really hope things are working out with him and the girl he said he met. I talked to Tom the other day, and he seemed pretty upset about his current situation. I need to give him a call. I didn't really have time to talk to him for very long when I called the other day.

I talked to my sister Kim on the phone today. I really feel for her because she is still on crazy pain medicine for her back. I know how badly it sucked when I hurt my back, and I know her having to go through this for months must be pretty hard. Well maybe, the drugs can contribute to her writing, and she can join the ranks of Hemingway, Coleridge, and Poe.

One minute until my birthday. Good night.

Tomorrow is My Birthday

Wow, that is depressing. Anyway . . .

Joel painted the kitchen today while I was at work. I think it will look good. I can never tell. Worse comes to worse, I can always repaint - or pay someone to repaint.

I am going to the Melting Pot tonight. I don't really have any plans for tomorrow though. Next week is fall break (a few days) so I should be able to catch up on some of the stuff I need to get done. I also want to get some time to relax.

Not much else to reporting on today. I just got up this morning, went to work, came home, helped Joel with the second coat on the kitchen, and now I am going to take a shower and get ready for dinner. The end.

Let's See What My Destiny Is for Today

Daily Verse:
Seek the Lord while he may be found; call on him while he is near.
--Isaiah 55:6

Horoscope:
You'll be torn between keeping absolutely, one hundred percent silent, and letting every single fact become common knowledge. The real dilemma will be deciding whether it's more important to be the authority figure or please the one who's one step over you on the ladder. Such a decision .... Still, once you've made it, don't waffle. Let the rest of the world play games. Think of how much fun it'll be to watch.

Chinese Horoscope:
This day will be particularly favorable to large-scale financial operations; you'll be confident, and you won't hesitate to use your good relationships. You'll feel very happy in the company of your mate; you'll want to linger and to let yourself go. This planetary ambiance will stimulate you, and you'll have the desire to be up to any task. You may have such a passion for collective life that you'll join an association or throw a party; follow your inclination

On-Line Bill Pay . . . . Ouch

Wow, my on-line bill pay outgoing balance is $6,752.54. Yikes!

Oh, I opened a brokerage account. Here is what I am invested in so far:

• CNZLX
• FAMVX
• ICHCX
• LNGZX
• TASCX
• TEQUX
• UMBWX
  

Hopefully those are decent choices. I am definitely not an expert in investing.

I better get to bed. I have been getting less sleep than I need lately.

G'Night and Sweet Dreams.

Happiness is Sleeping on the Couch

I slept on the couch again last night. Something cozy about that. I think it will be awesome when it gets cold enough to have a fire in the fireplace. Joel is standing behind me making fun of my typos.

Good morning!

The Marvels of Modern Technology

Brought to you by StatCounter:

Time ISP/IP Referring URL
4 Oct 01:06:39 gastonia1.nc.us.da.qwest.net (65.149.37.31) www.pamspam.com/personal.htm
3 Oct 00:27:53 gastonia1.nc.us.da.qwest.net (65.149.37.31) www.pamspam.com/personal.htm

Defective J

My J is broken on my new laptop. It keeps popping up. I notice this mostly when I type "Joel" or pamela_j_karr. I need to make myself invisible on Yahoo. I keep getting weird people sending me IMs. I like meeting new people, but I don't think some of those people are people I should be talking to.

My birthday is in a few days. How depressing. Well, it can't be worse than my birthday last year. I had a pretty good birthday the year before that. I can't even remember the birthday before that one. I am getting old.

I went to bed about 3-4 AM this morning. I was up writing a proposal for one of my classes.

My friend Francis has called me a few times, but I have been too busy to give him a call back. I liked him for a while (I think we went on one date). Then I realized that who I am completely freaks him out sometimes. It is an interesting relationship. He is a really good guy - the kind that gives house warming gifts, writes thank you notes, and gives you a call to just keep in touch.

Joel is washing dishes. he has been great helping me around the house. I have been so busy lately, I have been forgetting to do things - like cleaning the litter box. He helps me take care of things and doesn't complain or get mad at me.

I am IMing with Dave a bit right now. I really need to get to bed. It is funny because I sit in front of a computer most of the the, study them the rest of the day, and come home at night and get on the computer to wind down before bed.

Whitewater Rafting

We went whitewater rafting today. It was awesome. The water level was down from the time Kenny and I went, but it was still a good ride. I read journal articles on the way to Hot Springs. It was too dark on the way back, so I tried to snooze.

The side loaf makes me smile.

I feel a little pressed for time because I have a lot I need to get done for next week. However, I knew that I had to get out of the house for a while. I am trying to be less of a workaholic than I usually am. This is my life, and I want to live it.

I know I am pretty pensive on my blog. I guess I have a lot of questions about life. I try to figure it all out, but I know that I can't. I do my best to be positive and strong and confident day in and day out, so my blog tends to be where I put my fustration, weakness, and insecurities. I am not trying to get anyone to feel sorry for me or to think I am a martyr of some kind. I am just writing.

I get a little perturbed when I find people posting negative feedback on my blog. It doesn't make sense to me. First, if someone didn't like me, why would they frequent my blog? Second, if someone is pouring their heart out about their problems and openly admitting they have faults, what is the point of tearing them down even more?

It would be like me saying "I am depressed." then someone replying "yeah, you are seriously screwed up." No duh detective! I think if you are ready to criticize someone you should be ready to help them. If you tell someone, "you need to change" and they say "okay, please help me" and you say "sorry, you are on your own" then the criticism is just that - criticism, hard words. I mean, most of the time people know that they need to do something, but they have a hard time actually being able to do it. No matter how many times you ask me to move a mountain and no matter how many times I try to push against the mountain to move it, that darn mountain isn't going to move. I am a big believer in helping people. I think it is important to build people up and to love them. Many studies have been done on the effects of positive and negative feedback used in teaching. I have not yet found one study that posits negative reinforcement having a more significant effect on performance or behavior than positive reinforcement.

Love comes from God. Although He should be feared and worshipped, He is not a God of tough love. He is a God of forgiveness, mercy, and grace. And amen to that.

Chiaroscuro

Joel pointed out that Scuro has been under represented on my blog recently. Chiaro is a wonderful cat. She is very aristocratic. (Reminds me of the Aristocats . . . Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat!) She has been a bit stressed lately. She doesn't recognize Ra with his cone on, so she hisses at him everytime he gets near. Other than that, she has taken a liking to my teddy bear Job. She mashes him while I sleep sometimes. She is still a spelunker and cherishes her time spent in the cave created by the covers. She relishes in the spot of sun she finds every morning behind the couch. Her other favorite places are on the chairs in the breakfast nook and the dining room. Come to think of it, I think she is really the only one who spends time in the dining room.

One of Scuro's favorite sayings:

"I will not give up my loaf. Not for you, not for anyone!"

And we have provided a side loaf for your viewing pleasure.

Parental Discretion Advised

Okay, so you are either reading my blog because you are someone I know or because you are a complete stranger and are curious. If you really don't want to know everything about me, you should just stop reading. I am not just going to always post Pam propoganda, so you are either going to have to love me with all of my flaws, or . . . get off my blog.

Ooh, that was mean, wasn't it? I am really not trying to be mean, but sometimes I feel like I have to censor myself because I don't want anyone to think badly of me. I am tired of always trying to hide things that are less appropriate to say. I know that a professional type person might come across my blog which may not be the best thing for my career. But here is the thing - I am human. They are human. We are all human. Some of us just show it more than others.

I tend to get more depressed when I am stressed. I have been stressed lately. It isn't about one thing or another - probably just a compilation of things. Sometimes I have a hard time saying no to things so I have less time for myself than I need to take. I think I have been upset with myself more than anything lately. 1) I am gaining weight. I need to lose about 5 pounds. 2) I have neglected going to church. 3) I can seem to find places where I can actually get more free time 4) My actions have not been inline with my beliefs.

In general, when I logically think about it, I am really proud of myself. I have accomplished a whole heck of a lot. However, more importantly, I have found the need for God and to seek good. Sometimes my logical and emotional reactions are different than each other. One tends to place more emphasis on the emotions they feel even if they aren't accurate. Geez, that is annoying. Hmm. I must do some research . . .

Survivors differ in their responses to assault/abuse. The long-term effects may be influenced by the severity of the assault, the survivor's existing coping skills, and the support the person has afterwards. Nevertheless, the following responses are experienced by many survivors:

• A survivor's self-esteem often diminishes after an assault or abuse. Frequently she feels shamed, humiliated, guilty, angry, and powerless.
• A survivor's attitude toward her body may be negatively affected. This change may lead to self-abuse (e.g., alcohol abuse, overeating, self-mutilation, etc.).
• A survivor may find it difficult to trust and to be intimate with others.
• A survivor may not want sexual intimacy for some time or may engage in risky sexual behaviors.
• A survivor may experience flashbacks of the incident.
• A survivor may experience fear of being alone and fear of a future attack.
• A survivor may experience nightmares or other sleep disturbances.
  
• A survivor may not be able to concentrate and focus. This can affect academic and/or job performance.
  
• There are many emotional problems emerging from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias, avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding and more. The denial system that insured her survival as a child now prevents the survivor from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood.
• Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my father ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation. She believes if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love.

Okay, so maybe I am not crazy. I must focus on being logical:

Feeling: I have to be perfect to be loved. If there is anything wrong with me, people won't love me.
Truth: I am pretty awesome. I have issues, but so does everyone else. Most importantly, I have the desire to improve, learn, and change.

Feeling: Sex equates to love.
Truth: Yeah, sex with the person you love is a great thing. However, it can be just sex for some people. Sex will never make someone love me so I should never try to please someone sexually so that they will treat me well.

Feeling: I am fat.
Truth: I am fairly proportionate. There are other women who weigh less than me and wear larger sizes than I do that I think are skinny.

Feeling: I am always wrong.
Truth: No one is always wrong. It is okay if I make mistakes. It is okay if I assert myself. It is okay for me to protect myself. I shouldn't think that everything derogatory that is said about me is true while discounting anything good that has been said. I don't need other people to confirm that I am doing the right thing. I can have confidence in my own decisions. I have proven my abilities as well as anyone else.

Feeling: I have to pretend to be someone I am not and hide my thoughts and feelings in order to seem normal.
Truth: First of all, I have never been great at doing this (hence the blog you are currently reading). Second, the right people will be able to weigh through all the stuff that is me to see my worth. If they can't see it, then why worry about them? It is okay that other people choose to keep things to themselves. It is their way of dealing with their stuff. If I try to do something similar, I end up not being me.

Okay, no wait - I was about to apologize for everything I just wrote. Man, I have to stop doing that. I have this inherent fear that I am always going to get in trouble. Must stop doing that. Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so. However, if I am please feel free to discuss.

I am happy being me. I am so completely Pam. I am going whitewater rafting tomorrow. That will be good for my soul. I need to get out of the house for a little while. Things are getting better. I don't feel as much stress about Joel now that he can get around freely. Ra seems to be healing up nicely. I have this frolicky temptation to do something silly like dance naked in the rain. I can say I have done it once, but I guess there are two problems with that - one, it isn't raining. Two, I am much too modest these days. Instead, I will cuddle with a cat.

Sunfire

Joel and I went to a dealership, and we ended up getting him a brand new sunfire. He was able to get a pretty good deal considering he is currently unemployed. I think he was really excited to be buying his first car. I knew he was set on it because it was new. We were originally just looking at used, but the guy gave us a better deal on the new one. It had a better interest rate. I think it was one they had on the lot for a while. It was black so maybe they just wanted to see it go.

Whoa, it is two in the morning. I fell asleep on the couch which is in the hall upstairs. We were going to put it in the office when Joel got his futon, but I am not sure that it will fit. I have to get up early in the morning and read a whole bunch of journal articles, so I better get back to bed.

Sweet dreams.

Eventful Day in the Karr Household

Well, Ra came back from the vet today with no tail. Joel passed his driving test and now has his license. The women of the house are status quo.

Ideas

Okay, Kim requested that I give people some ideas for stuff for my birthday. Not quite sure, but I will come up with some stuff:

1) Home Depot gift cards
2) Victoria secret Pink (brand) bras size 36C
3) Tulips
4) Full or Queen sized sheets
5) Dainty earrings
6) Bike tire pump
7) The same wallet/bag I have now (located at Ellenton Outlet Mall) or very similar
8) Split key keyboard (gray)
9) HP Printer cartridges #94 and #95
10) One of those music server things Kim has for her computer. Not sure what it is, but it is cool.

Just Call Him Bob

So Ra decided to actually chew OFF the end of his tail last night. So Joel and I spent most of the morning trying to find a vet who could operate on him today. The vet recommended we just get his tail "bobbed" since he would probably just do it again if we just took off an inch. I feel guilty. I think I am stressing my cat out.

Hectic day, but I will write more later. I am in the library about to head to class. Besides, the battery in my laptop is starting to run low.

Hugs,
Pam

Bloody Tail

I could definitely say that I could not be any type of doctor. I held Ra while Joel rebandaged his tail. I almost threw up. Looks like amputation is inevitable.

Went to work and class today. Nothing very eventful happened. I have to say I am thankful for the guys I work with. You can tell there are some guys who are genuinely nice and care about me. I really like nice people. I am not good with dealing with people who are more coarse. For instance, Randy always asks me if he can pick anything up for me for lunch. Robert comes over and confides in me about his latest dating fiasco. Even when they pick on me, they say nice things more often than they say hurtful things. I don't really know anyone socially outside of work, but it is nice to know that there are personable people out there.

I hope that people think I am personable. I like being someone other people go to when they need help. I am not sure if I always am. At work, I notice some of the guys rather ask me to take a look at their code than to have one of the other guys look at it. I think they appreciate that I don't criticize them or make fun of them if they overlooked something simple. I have had ex-boyfriends ask to borrow money. Even though the whole Joel thing causes both of us a little stress, I think the ultimate reason Joel is here is because he knows that I am here for him no matter what and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. My family never asks me for any kind of help or support. I am not sure that will ever change. I must make an effort to be more available to my friends. Instead of expecting them to come to me if they need anything, I need to check on them and make sure everything is okay.

I really am not a saint. I know all the things I write sound pretty goody-two-shoes. The reason I write them is because I am trying to be better - not because I think I have achieved these goals. Muhammed really touched me the other day. I was fustrated and telling him that I was miserably and irrepairably broken. He told me that a big reason that he loves me is because I do have problems and because I do struggle. He said that I am beautifully human and that it is okay for me to be flawed. He said that everyone is. And he said that I just haven't found enough people who can love me for the good and the bad, but eventually I will.

It is funny when I think about it. I am more comfortable around the people who have seen me at my worst and loved me anyway than around the people who have seen me at my best and respected me. Of course people can respect the good things about each other. The hard part is smiling at someone's flaws.

For instance, Dave - he is always going to be extremely laid back and quiet. He is always going to be able to tell me very poetically over IM how much he loves and misses me. And when we actually get together, he will always not have much to say, and he will always fall asleep in the movies. I used to get fustrated with those things. I used to think, geez, you say you want to hang out with me, but when you do, you are so bored that you fall asleep. However, I can find the humor in it. I can still know that he loves me. And I can smile when I start to hear him snore before the opening credits have rolled by.

Joel - he is always going to embellish his stories. He is always going to tell a white lie and realize he did it then confess that he really did lock himself out of the house and it wasn't Ra. (No, I am not worrying about run-on sentences at the moment. He is always going to tell me too much information about his bodily functions, and he is always going to say inappropriate comments that I tend to reserve comment. It doesn't make me love him any less. In fact, I enjoy knowing that I can predict those things about him.

Liz - I know she is never going to take any advice I give her. I know that she will still keep calling me if something goes wrong. (And I call her in similar situations.) I know she likes to be disagreeable and contrary at times - for no particular reason. I think it is cute. We both know that spending a long period of time together might cause bickering, but I know that she will call me back any time I call her crying.

Tausha - She will always have the shortest attention span in the world. I am amazed that she has kept her dog Amber alive this long! She doesn't ever tend to do one thing for any extended period of time. One time I talk to her she is working at a vet, the next time Wal-mart, the next time a daycare, and the next time she is just staying at a hotel in California while Michael works. Certainly living her lifestyle would drive me nuts, but I accept it with her. I like calling and finding out what the heck is going on in her life now.

And the point is that I am not afraid that any of the people above are going to get mad at me for the things I just wrote. In fact, for a lot of the things, I know that most of them would whole heartedly agree with me. So the beauty is being able to love people and accept those type of things about them. And I know my true friends do the same for me. (You guys are awesome!)

Oh yeah, and Ra . . . he chews off his own tail, but he is still the greatest cone-headed cat in the world.

Good Morning

Control was never meant to be external; control is something you have, not something you exert.

I have never been a very good feminist. :-) Women should be strong, but a man should be the head of a relationship. I used to have a huge problem with this concept in the Bible. However, there was this great description of a marriage in Ephesions. (Did I spell that right?) A wife is like the church. The church worships, obeys, and respects Jesus. The husband is like Jesus, he cares for, rules, and loves the church. Why wouldn't the church worship Jesus who loved them so much that he was willing to die for them?

I have to leave for work in one minute . . . gotta go. Hugs.

Blogging in Blobs

I called Jason today. Completely, definitely not wanting to get back with him. (Just for the record.) I just figured enough time had passed to try to mend things a little bit. He and I were good friends, but we just weren't cut out for being a couple. Surprisingly he answered. I was expecting the answering machine. Things went about as well as expected. I feel better for at least making an effort.

I met Domi and Ty this weekend. They are soo adorable. Animals are amazing. There isn't a drop of evil in them. They are just pure love. Only God knows why He ever decided to create us.

Scuro is sitting at my feet. I guess I should say curled up. She is probably going to want to do some major mashing tonight. I will have to figure out what to do about Ra's tail soon.

I am twenty-five years old. Does that seem right? I will be twenty-six in less than two weeks. Time flies . . . regardless of whether or not you have having fun. What were you like when you were twenty-five? Ooh, let's see what my horoscope is for today . . .

Quickie:
Feel your emotions -- don't hold back. Whether good or bad, they shape who you are.

Overview:
Someone's developing drama may throw your personal rhythm off beat, which will require more patience on your part. Don't let this change throw your confidence off-guard, too -- you're still capable of making decisions on your own.

That's funny. Me, not feel my emotions? Heh, they don't know me very well, do they? I don't think I have been able to ignore anything my entire life! Well, that isn't completely true - I am pretty good at ignoring my phone most of the time.

I Need a Waterfall

My mind isn't focusing very well on what I need to be doing. I am not looking forward to the impending week, especially my long Monday and Tuesday.

Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't care so much about things. I want so many things to be good that just aren't going to be. I want to help people and fix things. My soul is too gentle. I have never been good at dealing with the harshness in this world. It is a weird thing. I think that I am a very strong person, but some things just crush me that don't affect other people. People often see me as agressive and self-confident. I think my strength comes with my unending appreciation for the good things in this world and the need to make things better. I'll never acclaim that I have ever been tough. In a lot of ways my strength comes from surviving in this world without being tough. I cling to a sense of idealism and hope that I don't want to give up. I refuse to have a broken spirit although it seems like I get pretty close sometimes. I believe in people. I know that humans aren't perfect, but God put us here together to take care of one another. It wouldn't make any sense if He were the only one who we could count on while He isn't here on Earth. What makes people unreliable is that we expect them to be and allow ourselves to be. It doesn't have to be that way. We don't have to settle on an existence of expecting other people to disappoint us. The hard part is that it has to start with me. I have to prove to people that I can be trusted. I have to be someone who doesn't let people down. I have to take the chance that I can completely open myself up and get hurt. No one else is going to do it first. Changing the world starts with me. There is no such thing as give-and-take. I just have to give without expecting anything back because that is the right thing for me to do. I need to do what I should do regardless of what anybody else does. I have to choose that for myself since I can't choose it for anybody else. I can change the world. I believe the only way for people to break out of this cycle of hurting one another and protecting themselves is for someone to just stop. Then someone else will be able to stop. And eventually, the world won't have to be such a harsh, cold place. It can be done.

WWJD

Yup, missed church again today. I did say some prayers though.

A verse comes to my mind:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I must remember to give thanks. God, I know that I tend to say "please" in my prayers more often than I say thank you. However, I do want to thank you. You have given me so many things. In some sense, I know I have worked very hard to get where I am. But I also know this world isn't fair, isn't kind, and isn't rewarding. Therefore, whether or not I deserve certain things makes no difference. What I have, I am going to attribute to your grace. In fact, I would go even as far to say thank you for the crucibles in my life. I remember when I was a more selfish, cynical, and mean person. I am no where near perfect, but I acknowledge that I have grown over the years to be more loving and gentle. I have good friends, good cats, a nice house, a good career and education . . . I couldn't ask for much more. I ask you to forgive me of my sins which I know isn't something I deserve. Do your will with me. I want to follow even though I am not very good at it sometimes. Don't give up on me yet. Through Jesus, Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a paper to write tonight. I also have quite a bit to read. I am back home with my cone-headed cat, Joel, and Scuro. I had perogies for dinner.

Have you ever thought about this? . . . Humans are artifacts. You can look at each one of us and learn about something that has happened a time before now. The artifact could be a scar, an attitude, a fear, or a strength. Regardless of how it manifests itself, we are all living artifacts of the past. In a sense, we all must be athropologists who are trying to understand something in the past to understand the people before us right now. It is funny how each of us are who we are for some part because of something or in spite of something in our past.

One of My Favorite Poems

SOLITUDE

LAUGH, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,

But has trouble enough of it's own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are none to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

THE HANGMAN - By Maurice Ogden (Another good one but too long to copy and paste)

Little Shop of Horrors

Joel and I just got from seeing The Little Shop of Horrors at one of the local theatres. It was really good. I didn't remember it ending like that, but maybe I am just getting too old to remember. It was hilarious trying to get back home though. Me being me and Joel just moving here himself, we couldn't retrace our steps because the police detoured us a different way. So we drove around aimlessly for a while trying to guess how to get home. Thank God for David's Bridal . . . that is where I got my bride's maid's dress for Pedro and Jamie's wedding. Well, we remembered how we got back home from there (which, by the way, was completely different than how we originally got there) so we were able to get home safely in the end. I can't attribute it to sense of direction, but I guess our method worked too.

I am leaving for Winston-Salem at around 3:30 PM tomorrow. All I have to say is that Todd and I better really like each other. I don't drive an hour and a half for just anybody.

I am going to get up in the morning and start reading what I have to get read for next week. Fun, fun.

Oh yeah, I got my hair done today. I will see if Joel can take some good pictures of me (tomorrow since I am about to go to bed tonight) with his new camera (still jealous).

G'night. And don't feed the plants.

Blueberry Pancakes

Well, Joel and I had blueberry pancakes for dinner tonight. We didn't see much to eat in the kitchen, so we said, sure - what the heck.

I found an article about Ra's condition. Still not sure what we are going to do.

I am getting my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow.

Not really in the mood to write much tonight.

Cheers,
Pam

Diagnosis: Self Mutilation

Okay, so Ra decided to chew off the tip of his tail. It wasn't dying this time. I think he just got hungry or stressed or something. Anyhow, it will probably end up costing me over $700 to get another inch of his tail amputated. I love my cat. He is the sweetest thing in the world, but he isn't the brightest.

Maybe I should have them cut it off a little higher just so he can't reach it anymore. I mean, what will be the use if he just does it again? What a freak.

I am sleepy. That is all I have to say for tonight.

Hugs,
Pam

Tongue Twister

Here is a tongue twister for you:

One smart fellow, he felt smart
Two smart fellows, they felt smart
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart

And here is the picture of the "three fellows" at the award banquet I attended last week. We all received $25,000 fellowship for our first year of PhD studies and tuition paid for the year also.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - and It's All Small Stuff

A chapter number I don't remember: Write a heartfelt letter

Dear Andrew,

I know you occassionally visit my blog, but I am not sure if you will ever read this. I know I haven't been the best friend lately. I see that you send me IM's, and I rarely answer. It isn't because I don't want to talk to you anymore. I think you are a really nice guy, and you were always a good friend. You will always be able to trust me with the secrets we have shared. I just want to thank you for being a consistent force in my life. Regardless of where I was or what I was doing, you always encouraged me, especially in my faith. Sometimes I distance myself from people when it makes it easier for me to distance myself from particular situations. Sometimes I think I distance myself because I might cause a negative impact on your life. I hope you can forgive me for disappearing every now and then. I am always going to be your friend, so if you ever need me let me know. I know it sounds like I am too busy, but I am never too busy when a friend really needs me. I promise I will resurface on occassion. I just wanted to let you know that I do think about you . . . and I do smile everytime you send me a funny picture. :-)

Agape,
Pam

Quasi-Experimental Designs

I finished my long Monday. After Tuesday, things should calm down again. I am going to see Todd this weekend. Hopefully I can help him get at least some of his stuff unpacked so he can feel more settled in North Carolina. I remember that I really appreciated it when Jason came over to help me unpack some of my boxes. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. Besides, it will be nice seeing Todd. I haven't seen him since - sheesh, I don't even remember when. I think the 20-somethingth of August, so pretty much a month.

Have I mentioned recently how much dating sucks? It isn't the people that really makes it suck. I mean, it is just the process. I have gone on a bazillion first dates with decent guys. Most of them have nothing really wrong with them, but I am usually never enamored enough to go on a second date. I feel bad because the guys probably think I am a wench, but dating freaking takes effort. Then there are the people who think they really want to be in a relationship then decide that they don't once they are in one. I think we all have a little bit of this in us. Finding someone who loves us raises our self-confidence then we start to wonder if maybe we could do better. Sorry, I have decided that love should be a heuristic opposed to an optimal decision-making process. I don't have to find the best guy out there. I just want the right one - someone I love and who treats me well. I don't plan on using a guy as a trophy to say "hey, look what I got." People are too precious for that. I guess that is one of the problems with on-line dating. 1) You are probably pretty lonely since you have resorted to on-line dating 2) You finally find someone who isn't a freak 3) You are happy 4) Your confidence is inflated 5) You decide maybe you could do better 6) You easily have browsable access to an assortment of other suitors 7) You become disatisfied 8) You break up 9) Start process all over again.

I am never going to find someone who is perfect for me. Every guy I meet is going to have something that I probably deem a fatal flaw. But the misconception here is that no one ever said that a relationship was supposed to be perfect. You find the person who makes you happy and doesn't drive you stark-raving mad. Someone left a comment on my blog a while back - where is that guy? He said something about I was beautifully perfect in my imperfections. That was awesome. And I guess that is the essence of what I am getting at. You learn what the weaknesses of the other person are and love them anyway. If you can't do that, they aren't the right person for you. And if you can, then be thankful for what you have. I guess I am disillusioned because Hollywood romanticizes love so much. Now, people have unrealistic expectations. Do you know how many boyfriends I had who thought fight = break up? So, now you aren't allowed to be mad at someone, disagree, or have any weaknesses in order for someone to love you. Where is the loyalty?

No, I am not talking about Todd or Joel or Muhammed or whoever. I am just on a generalized soap box because this is my blog and I can.

Life and the Pursuit of Happiness

I cried today. That was fun. I am a chick. It happens. I finished up my homework earlier than usual, so I had a little free time on my hands. Joel and I went for some driving lessons in Pearl. He can only drive when the top is down since her visibility is pretty bad. We kinda had another spat today because when I was talking to one of the guys I met on-line, after I got off the phone, Joel said that I had been flirting with him. Now, there are two schools of thought about this. Some people think I always flirt while others think I never flirt. So who knows. Really I think the guy and I were just having fun being geeky. He is getting a MS in engineering management or something like that at UNCC and working. I was telling him how busy I am with everything I have been doing. It is nice to find someone in the same situation sometimes. Unlike me, however, he got his undergrad in religion and was going to be a youth minister.

Which reminds me, I have really been slacking about going to church. Randy from work asked me if I went last weekend. He tries to keep me honest. I have been having a hard time getting to sleep at night, so it has been even harder getting to church than usual. Also, I want to try out some of the other churches in the area. It is hard when it is just me. It would be easier if I had someone to bring with me. One of the guys who just started his PhD with me said that he and his wife go to a younger church group which is in this area. Maybe I will tag along with them some time.

I am feeling better. Truthfully, I was getting pretty darn irritable. I didn't know what the heck was going on with Todd and I, and I almost decided maybe we shouldn't see each other if I was just going to have a feeling like something was wrong but nothing was being said. So, being me, I decided to bring everything out in the open. It was good. We talked, and I think we figured out a little bit more about each other. We are dating but not exclusive right now. That is fine with me because it sucks having a boyfriend who is never around. So, we will get to know each other better and see what happens. Geez, it was great having a mature, adult conversation. I like just being able to talk and reason with people. I can handle most anything as long as I am not blind-sided and know what the heck is going on.

Actually, it is probably better this way. I tend to get into relationships where we fall in love way too quickly and things end up going badly in the long run. I think it is great for people to fall in love, but it helps when both people stay true to themselves. So many times people want to change to make the other person love them more. At the time, they are so in love that they think they can sustain it. However, even though people change all the time, I think it is better if they learn to love each other for who they are first. Obviously, I have a pretty strong personality and am pretty open. So people can catch on to what I want and who I am pretty quickly. I tend to not realize when someone is assimilating to be more like me to try to make me happy. I just think, hey, look at that, isn't it great that we have that in common. Then later on . . . . Doh, I didn't see that coming. I hate bad surprises.

So anyway, I am going to visit Todd this weekend. He is settling into his new place. Joel is taking his driving test on Monday. He was doing pretty good on the road today. I think I was more nervous just for the fact that he was driving my Pearl.

Next weekend, I am trying to plan a whitewater rafting trip. That should be fun.

Oh, and hey, Jim - you were going to come visit and go hiking. You better hurry up before it starts snowing in the mountains.

Kim and Tony - you need to come visit too.

People who need to call me and tell me how much they love me after they read this:

-Dave
-Ann
-Kenny
-Joel (just yell - hey, Pam!)
-Kim
-Pei-Jen
-Muhammed
-Pedro and Jamie
-Melanie and Adam
-Felicia
-Jim
-Francis (I don't think he reads my blog though)
-Liz
-Pete
-Chip

Isn't it great how I not only crave attention but demand it?

Oh, and Muhammed - this time I added some carriage returns when I vomitted on my blog. I don't want you to have to copy and paste it into Word again.

Hugs!
Pam

Daily Bread

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.

--Philippians 2:3-4

Late Night

I am not sure why I haven't been able to get to sleep lately. It definitely isn't because I am getting too much sleep. I had quite a few nightmares last night. I slept on the couch, and one of the nightmares I had was that I was screaming "no, no, no" and woke Joel up. He came doen and woke me up to see what was the matter. Then I dreamt that he came down again, and I thought that the first time was a dream, and he said it wasn't Then I really asked him once I woke up, and I found out that it all was a dream afterall. I also had a nightmare about Sean. Luckily, I haven't thought of him for a while. Those nightmares are the worst. Most of the time, I wish I never met him.

I have one more paper to write tomorrow. Otherwise, I should have some free time later in the day Thank God. I have a lot of reading to do, but I don't have to get it all done tomorrow.

Joel is doing well. He has been helping me out a lot around the house. I think I get irritated with him sometimes when he is trying to help me. Sometimes it is nice, but sometimes, I just want to be left alone. Of course, I can't expect him to know which time is which. I think things will be a little less stressful once he gets his license and car. I won't have the sense that I am making him stay here stranded while I study. I can't expect anyone to spend as much time working as I do. I have a lot going on right now.

Uncle Herb called me today. It was nice to hear from him. He called to let me know he got my thank you gift I got him for driving me around San Francisco.

I am still waiting to hear from Ann. I called her a few days ago, but I haven;t heard back from her. I miss hanging out. Even though we didn't know each other very long, I think we have the potential of staying close friends.

Hey, where is Liz? I sent her an e-mail the other day. Man, I really need to give people a call. I know I am really bad about not calling people (and not answering my phone). Must add to list . . .

Weird, me?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Muhammed, you HAVE to take this one.

Important

Some important things I have learned but tend to forget:

God is good.

Being happy is more important than being right.

The best leaders are those who serve.

The way someone treats you reflects on their character, not yours.

I don't have to be perfect to deserve to be loved.

D.H. Lawrence once wrote about the "Bitch-goddess Success." Remember that the pursuit of Success can sometimes interfere with having a meaningful life.

Be thankful.

Compliment people.

Don't interrupt conversations.

It is harder to to be humble than proud.

Love like you have never been hurt.

An Ode to my Blog Followers . . .

Some of you are friends
Some are strangers
Some are family
Some might be people I used to know
Or that I will know sooner or later
But all of you are welcomed to be part of my life
My Thoughts, my world
My success, my strife
I don't have much to say
But knowing that someone hears
makes everything okay
But who are you?
What am I to you?
Do you love me?
Did you love me?
Do I need to tell you I am sorry?
Or maybe that I am here to listen?
Or that I care . . .
I know some people wonder
What am I doing here?
Why do I feel the need to share?
Maybe that is just who I am
But if you are here, you probably already know that . . .

Visitors this week:

Charlotte,NorthCarolina

Daly City,California

Boulder,Colorado

Pleasant Hill,California

Dearborn,Michigan

SanFrancisco,California

Manassas,Virginia

Gainesville,Florida

Germantown,Maryland

Panama City,Florida

Dallas,Texas

Norman,Oklahoma

Nashua,NewHampshire

Morganton,NorthCarolina

Providence,Rhode Island

New York,New York

Lumberton,Mississippi

SantaféDeBogotá,DistritoCapital

Thousand Oaks,California

Los Angeles,California

Tampa,Florida

Little Rock,Arkansas

Albuquerque,NewMexico

Bronx,New York

Ft. Worth,Texas

Bluetooth

Yay! I got my new laptop to sync with my phone using bluetooth today. It is very awesome. I have moved most of my stuff over to my laptop already. I plan to sell Phoenix once I am sure I have everything, but I am in no rush because Joel's computer hasn't come in yet. We have been fighting over who stays logged in to Yahoo.

Work is going well. I changed my schedule:

Monday: Work 9AM-5PM, Class 6:30PM - 9:30PM
Tuesday: Work 10AM - 1PM, Class 2PM-3:30PM, 6:30PM-9:30PM
Wednesday: Work 8:30AM - 4PM
Thursday: Study!
Friday: Class 3PM-4PM

I think that is much better than I had originally anticipated. I am still very busy, but it isn't as overwhelming. The biggest problem is with those late running days. I get home and have a hard time falling asleep because my mind won't shut down. Pam gets grumpy when she is sleepy.

I wish I had lots of money and time. I am exicted about my house, but I want to be able to spend more time decorating it. It is neat. OOOHHH, I think Joel is making peanut butter cookies. I almost forgot about those! I hafta go!

Retaliation

Okay, I just browsed my sister's blog, and I have some getting even to do:



Ah, the benefits of Photoshop. Kim dressed us up like clowns . . . 49er fans, but still clowns.


















Okay, is it Kenny or Cartman who dresses up like me in the background? The funny thing is is that we are still in Florida in this picture. Love Kim's feathered bangs.

















Another 80's picture.


















"Ball with Legs." Kim almost killed me right after this picture. She went to take a picture, and I threw her the ball. Oops.















And, I posted a few updated pictures of my house on my yahoo pictures.