Bloody Tail

I could definitely say that I could not be any type of doctor. I held Ra while Joel rebandaged his tail. I almost threw up. Looks like amputation is inevitable.

Went to work and class today. Nothing very eventful happened. I have to say I am thankful for the guys I work with. You can tell there are some guys who are genuinely nice and care about me. I really like nice people. I am not good with dealing with people who are more coarse. For instance, Randy always asks me if he can pick anything up for me for lunch. Robert comes over and confides in me about his latest dating fiasco. Even when they pick on me, they say nice things more often than they say hurtful things. I don't really know anyone socially outside of work, but it is nice to know that there are personable people out there.

I hope that people think I am personable. I like being someone other people go to when they need help. I am not sure if I always am. At work, I notice some of the guys rather ask me to take a look at their code than to have one of the other guys look at it. I think they appreciate that I don't criticize them or make fun of them if they overlooked something simple. I have had ex-boyfriends ask to borrow money. Even though the whole Joel thing causes both of us a little stress, I think the ultimate reason Joel is here is because he knows that I am here for him no matter what and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. My family never asks me for any kind of help or support. I am not sure that will ever change. I must make an effort to be more available to my friends. Instead of expecting them to come to me if they need anything, I need to check on them and make sure everything is okay.

I really am not a saint. I know all the things I write sound pretty goody-two-shoes. The reason I write them is because I am trying to be better - not because I think I have achieved these goals. Muhammed really touched me the other day. I was fustrated and telling him that I was miserably and irrepairably broken. He told me that a big reason that he loves me is because I do have problems and because I do struggle. He said that I am beautifully human and that it is okay for me to be flawed. He said that everyone is. And he said that I just haven't found enough people who can love me for the good and the bad, but eventually I will.

It is funny when I think about it. I am more comfortable around the people who have seen me at my worst and loved me anyway than around the people who have seen me at my best and respected me. Of course people can respect the good things about each other. The hard part is smiling at someone's flaws.

For instance, Dave - he is always going to be extremely laid back and quiet. He is always going to be able to tell me very poetically over IM how much he loves and misses me. And when we actually get together, he will always not have much to say, and he will always fall asleep in the movies. I used to get fustrated with those things. I used to think, geez, you say you want to hang out with me, but when you do, you are so bored that you fall asleep. However, I can find the humor in it. I can still know that he loves me. And I can smile when I start to hear him snore before the opening credits have rolled by.

Joel - he is always going to embellish his stories. He is always going to tell a white lie and realize he did it then confess that he really did lock himself out of the house and it wasn't Ra. (No, I am not worrying about run-on sentences at the moment. He is always going to tell me too much information about his bodily functions, and he is always going to say inappropriate comments that I tend to reserve comment. It doesn't make me love him any less. In fact, I enjoy knowing that I can predict those things about him.

Liz - I know she is never going to take any advice I give her. I know that she will still keep calling me if something goes wrong. (And I call her in similar situations.) I know she likes to be disagreeable and contrary at times - for no particular reason. I think it is cute. We both know that spending a long period of time together might cause bickering, but I know that she will call me back any time I call her crying.

Tausha - She will always have the shortest attention span in the world. I am amazed that she has kept her dog Amber alive this long! She doesn't ever tend to do one thing for any extended period of time. One time I talk to her she is working at a vet, the next time Wal-mart, the next time a daycare, and the next time she is just staying at a hotel in California while Michael works. Certainly living her lifestyle would drive me nuts, but I accept it with her. I like calling and finding out what the heck is going on in her life now.

And the point is that I am not afraid that any of the people above are going to get mad at me for the things I just wrote. In fact, for a lot of the things, I know that most of them would whole heartedly agree with me. So the beauty is being able to love people and accept those type of things about them. And I know my true friends do the same for me. (You guys are awesome!)

Oh yeah, and Ra . . . he chews off his own tail, but he is still the greatest cone-headed cat in the world.