I found it

I found it. It all makes sense now. I understand. I don't have the solution, but I know what it is.

Skinny Pam

I have almost reached my New Year's Resolution weight.

Hot in Here

My office at work is too cold, at school it is too hot, and at home it is just right. The orange lap cat makes it perfect. Unfortunately, I am on campus today about to sweat to death. I only have a tank top on under my sweater, and it shows off my tummy, so I can't unlayer. I have a PC set up in my office, but I just prefer to use my laptop.

Waking Up

I am not a morning person. I need to put together my lecture for tonight. I have be to on campus at 10 AM.

Poem I Found On-Line

Daddy, please love me
It’s dark, and I’m so scared;
There’s something in my closet,
Please show me that you care.
Come chase away the monsters,
They won’t stay when you are near;
They just like to scare us kids,
But dads they know to fear.

Daddy, please love me
Hold me close and tight;
Tell me, “Daddy’s here now,
Everything will be all right.”
Let me snuggle close against your chest
Where warmth and comfort dwell’
And rock me oh so gently
Until the hurts all melt.

Daddy, please love me,
Let me be your special girl.
Bill calls Sue his little princess
Even when her hair’s up in curls.
Could I be your “Little Princess?”
It would mean so very much;
Daddy, don’t you understand?
I need our lives to touch!

Daddy, please love me,
Why do your hurt me so?
This isn’t what I wanted,
Please, Daddy, let me go.
I only longed for love and comfort,
To soothe away the pain,
Now I lay broken and shattered,
To never ask again.

Down

I have been more up the last few days, but today was tough on me. I am feeling down again. Nothing really went wrong today, but something in me was just off. I wish I had more control over how I felt. I prayed a lot today. I know I should be thankful. My life is better than 99% of the people in this world. I know that. It doesn't make sense how I can get so depressed. I feel like there must be something wrong with me, and I know there isn't. I know I am a wonderful person, but sometimes I just don't feel like it. Everything in this world is based on being confident and believing in yourself. No one else will believe in you if you don't believe in yourself. What if we need people to believe in us for us sometimes? Why isn't that okay?

I lost my Bible. I put it away somewhere when I got the Complete Jewish Bible. I sent that to Mark, but now I can't find my Bible. It has to be around here somewhere.

Crying. Alone.

His Will Be Done

Ugh. I posted an ad on this dating site I have gone on in the past, and I just decided to make myself invisible again. I had something up for three days, and I had like 50 responses. It makes me fustrated because I just need one good guy not a million random guys. I am sure there are some nice guys in the bunch, but it just gets overwhelming. I would like to work things out with Mark. However, right now things are too far gone. He doesn't treat me like he loves me anymore because he is hurting. I am trying to show him that I still love him, but I can't keep doing that in a healthy way if I don't get anything in return. I am not going to force anything. God will take care of everything how it is meant to be. Meanwhile, it is important for me to find people who can be there for me here and now. I am seeking out people I can pay attention to and who want to pay attention to me. I am going to a Bible study tonight. I am going to Atlanta with Angela and Wendy this weekend. Joel is going to come up and see me for a weekend around Spring Break. My friend Pietro from Italy is living in Texas, and he invited me for a visit. Maybe I will take him up on it. I should go down to Tampa and reconnect with some of my good friends. Trying to remember to trust in God. I just get myself into trouble otherwise.

More Lists

Jobs I have had:
1) Cinnabon
2) Dominos Pizza
3) Spinnaker Resorts
4) Jiffy Lube
5) Eckerd Photo Lab
6) Management Dept. Asst.
7) Note taker
8) GE Capital
9) Wellness Enterprises
10) Home Depot
11) William R. Hough & Co.
12) Raymond James Financial
13) ** Current Job
14) Teaching

Boys I have kissed:
1) Alex
2) Tom
3) David
4) Jason
5) Ryan
6) Kyle
7) Jay
8) Jim
9) Sean
10) Art, Bryan, David
11) Jason
12) Todd
13) Gene
14) Jay
15) Mark

Waterfalls I have seen:
1) Grotto
2) Abrams
3) Linville
4) Bridal
5) Mingo
6) Laurel
7) Tom's Branch
8) Juny Whank
9) Sinks
10) Indian Creek
11) Meigs

Trying to wake up and get ready for work. Going to Bible Study group tonight.

I Love Me

I completely love who I am, flaws and everything. I love that I have tiny feet. I love that I can dance in a club or a grocery store. I love that I name random inanimate objects. I love that I spend way too much time petting my cats. I love that I am trusting and open with my feelings and emotions. I love that I ask for help. I love that I make too many lists. I love that I would help anyone who happened to call me at this very moment in any way that I could. I love that I pray and need God. I love that I need lots of cuddling and hug almost everyone I know. I love that I ask too many questions in class. I love that I sit indian style in my chair. I love that I care about people so much. I love that I am usually the first person to try to make peace. I love that I can act like a kid and not get all embarrassed. I love my nerdy sense of humor. I love how I look when I see myself in the mirror. I love that I dress casual most of the time. I love how I can find good in anyone. I love that I am never apathetic. I love how much I love life. I love that I always want to learn something new. I love that I give everything I have. I love how easily I forgive. I love how bad things make me feel uncomfortable. I love how I am always thinking of a way to make someone feel special. I love that everyone knows exactly how I feel about them. I love my priorities in life. I love that even though I get depressed, I always aim for happiness. I love that I can laugh and cry all in the same day. I love that I know who I am. I love that I rather cry than get angry. I love how I face things head on. I love that I make mistakes and can acknowledge them. I love that I am fragile instead of instead of hardened. I love that I worry about other people. I love that material things don't make me happy. I love that my bottom teeth are crooked. I love that I get freckles. I love that I have lots of friends. I love that I don't consider anyone my enemy. I love my family and my friends. I love who I choose to make part of my life. I love what matters to me and what doesn't. I love my taste in music and my ideals. I love that I am clumsy. I love that I am different. I love that I am me.

Eluding Google

Excellent. Since I have unlinked my blog from various places, it is no longer coming up on Google searches for my name. So, this is a place for you and me and less for strangers. Probably best for the time being.

I think my ideal career would be to just love all the time. I could love animals, places, causes, people, etc. I could find ways to make the world a better place and to help meet needs that would have otherwise gone unnoticed. I'd like that.

I am good at tangents. In fact, I think most everything I write is a tangent one way or another. I have a hard time getting back to my original circle.

G'night

Croutons

I am drinking water and just ate a salad for dinner. Before that, I did half an hour on the elliptical machine. Trying to do the whole health kick thing. I need to sit down and grade papers now.

I think that I won't have sex again until I am married. I am 27 years old, and I know what sex is like. I also know that it is a commitment to me very near marriage and when I find myself not married, it is like getting a divorce . . . but only in my eyes. So, if I ever marry Mark, I already know how that all works. If I marry someone else, I will make sure his guy functions down there, but I don't need to take it out for a test drive. Sorry, me and my TMI.

Tomorrow, I go into work. I am going to try to get all the guys at work to maybe go out bowling Friday night or something. I say guys because they pretty much are all guys. I mean, I work in IT.

Idea - Need your help!!

I had this idea after visiting the retirement home for pet therapy with Hands on Charlotte. The residents there would probably like to have some entertainment to make their lives there a little more bearable. So if you could donate any of the following, I would be be happy to collect and send it to various retirement centers in the Charlotte area. The one we worked with was Brian Center off of Reddman. I called the activities director there, and she seemed really excited. Please email me if you need more information:

-CD or Audio Cassette players
-CD or Cassette Audiobooks
-Music CDs

Thanks!
Pam
704-293-8978
pamela_j_karr@yahoo.com

God's Example

After talking some with my counselor today, she asked me who taught me how to love, give, and support as deeply as I do. She said there had to be a role model who showed me how to do that or a relationship that I learned it from. At first, I was taken back because I couldn't figure out where I would have learned it from; I just loved. Then I realized that I haven't always loved this deeply.

I answered that I learned it from God. Without other examples, I looked to the Bible and realized that God is love. I explained Ephesians to her how it described the groom and the bride like Jesus and the church. She submits to and worships him, but in turn, he would lay down his life for her.

I told her how I have been told in the past that I am too idealistic, and she asked me if I thought I was too idealistic. I replied that the world would be a much better place if people stuck to their ideals.

Another Good Quote

To love someone deeply gives you strength. Being loved by someone deeply gives you courage.
Lao Tzu


Thoughts about this quote. I can say that a lot of times I am stronger than I really am because of how deeply I love, but I am completely terrified most of the time.

I have an appointment on campus at 10 AM. I have to resolve an issue with a bill for my colinoscopy. I ended up paying well over a thousand dollars for the procedure. My insurance sucks.

Adjectives

Scared, hurt, tired, anxious, obsessive, nervous, worried, depressed, empty, lonely, impatient, broken, confused, fragile, boring, flustered, fustrating, confusing, stubborn, weak, plain, selfish, needy, lustful, jealous, lethargic, and doubtful. Loving, caring, giving, intelligent, pretty, short, honest, articulate, open, forgiving, proactive, responsible, kind, sweet, gentle, diplomatic, fair, hard-working, humble, intense, passionate, compassionate, creative, strong, wise, grateful, flexible, thoughtful, trustworthy, loyal, genuine, real, trusting, emotional, logical, innocent, determined, dedicated, successful, warm, cuddly, active, and unique.

Showered Pam . . .

But not shaved . . .

Terms of Endearment

I am hopping into the shower to get ready for a 6 PM dinner. I had a left over hamburger for lunch, and I am pretty hungry. I love Sarah McLachlan. I just changed one of the CDs in my office CD player, and I forgot some of the good songs I had burned in the past. Maybe I just have a thing for Canadians.

I got one round of revisions taken care of, but I still have to locate another hard copy of my paper that my professor left comments. Where the heck did it go? Chris is spending the night at his parents tonight. I think it is nice that he takes a day every other week or so to spend time with his family.

I am probably going to go this summer to visit my relatives in San Francisco. Lisa and Kim may go so maybe we can pay for mom to go as well.

Darn Naps

They just sneak up on you. Here I was after a nice, relaxing bath. It was warm and dark in my bedroom. Not even half way to being dressed again, and I lay down on the bed. My green burrito blanket and Scuro were accomplices. An hour or two later, here I am again. Meanwhile, Ra has been sleeping soundly in the papasan chair the whole time.

Although it is a bit chilly, it is a beautiful day outside. I need Beowulf because my hair is all matted from my bath/nap. I will need to shower again before dinner tonight. Back to paper editing.

Strength

For the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength. 1 Corinthians 1:25

Fear

"To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead."
Bertrand Russell

This is my daily quote which I read for the first time at approximately 4:29 AM. I am trying to figure out where the three parts comes in. Love + Life = 2 parts, right? Google said that this guy was an English logician and philosopher, so there has to be logic about it.

Ah, maybe this is it. I found another part of the quote: "Of all forms of caution, caution in love is perhaps the most fatal to true happiness." So, maybe love + life + happiness = 3 parts.

And, “Love is something far more than desire for sexual intercourse; it is the principal means of escape from the loneliness which afflicts most men and women throughout the greater part of their lives.”

He went on to say, “To conquer fear is the beginning of wisdom.”

The irony is that there really is no logic in love itself, and that is why so many fear it. Loving is the surest way to get hurt, but for some reason, it is something we all must have.

Pampered

It almost sounds like 'Pam purred.' That would mean a happy Pam, right? That's what we need! Taking care of me right now. I know I am a good person, and I deserve it. I don't feel badly about myself right now. I have lost 7 pounds, so I am not feeling fat. I feel pretty sexy when I see naked Pam in the mirror. I have been doing things that are important to me like going to church, volunteering, exercising, and spending time with people who think I am awesome. I have received validation for my feelings from those I confide in. I have been ignoring criticism and focusing more on doing what is best for me. I have actually lived a lot of my life in some support role or another. I really do love it, but sometimes I need to set boundaries. Like sometimes I can't come through for people how they expect me to. And that is okay. A lot of times we tend to hear the negative instead of the positive responses to the things we do. I need to learn how to pat myself on the back sometimes.

Tomorrow, I am going to church and have dinner plans at a little Italian restaurant off of Harris. Other than that, I want to go shopping for silverware and some clothes and need to do homework.

I have a document of nice things people wrote about me back when Sean and I broke up (and my house flooded). I am going to find that tomorrow and read through it. Sometimes I need to be reminded about the good in me and that there are people who really do love me for me.

Home

Chris and his friends are out in the kitchen/living room. I like having people over. They always compliment me on my house and decorations. It makes me feel good. I have some papers I want to grade tonight. I need to edit and resubmit some papers for school tomorrow. I am going to church in the morning. One of my New Year's resolutions is to invite people to go to church with me. I invited Bennett to go with me tomorrow. I need to wake up early enough to call and remind him. I usually just wake up in time to hop in the shower and get there after maybe the first two songs.

Thank God, I am getting better with age. I am slowly improving. I never thought that would happen. I am still hugely flawed, but I am trying to learn and apply those lessons to my life. I guess in some ways it provides hope. I can't change other people, but I can change me.

Scuro is asleep on my pillow. I am going to move her in a minute. Debating on if I should grade papers or go to bed. Since I took a nap today (I love naps), I should probably grade some papers.

Labradoodle

I want a labradoodle! Kirk, Sable, and I saw a labradoodle when we went to the nursing home. Her name was Marley, and she was sooooo cute. She was big like a labrador and had long curly hair like a poodle, but less puffy. Sooooo cute.

Going to dinner tonight. Need to grade papers and take a shower soon. Chris just came home with some groceries. I forgot that he was having some people over tonight for dinner. Maybe I will postpone the other plans I made and just stay here. He bought hamburgers.

Sleepy Pam

Just got in a little bit ago. I met this completely cute puppy today. She looked like she was part Chow. I cuddled her. :-) Her sister (a cat) is named Neon, and they were looking for a name for her (the puppy). I suggested Marquee. The guy who owns them is a sign maker, and that is how Neon got her name (she is actually gray). I thought it would be fitting. I am a good namer.

Today seemed like a long day with many different emotions. I tried to get my passport today, but I will have to go to another office. I would like to take a trip outside of the country this summer. I have never had a passport, and it is about time to get one.

I got my teaching ratings back today. My average on every item was higher than the department average, so I think that was pretty good.

Tomorrow is the day we take Sable to visit with old people. She is such a lovable dog. Hopefully she isn't too loving because she can get a little over excited around people. She is a black pug. She is so ugly, she is cute.

Les Miserables

I can't remember one full day in my life from start to end past maybe the last three days. Do you think it would be horrible or wonderful to be able to always remember everything clearly? Would the happiness outweigh the pain? Or do we need time to erode memories so that we all don't go insane? Each and every one of us has a past. Sometimes we can't live it down and sometimes we want to try to stay in it. I think that is one reason there are so many high school movies. It seems like in some way or another, we are all stuck in high school. It was the first time we actually felt like adults and the only time we actually thought we had it all figured out. We didn't even contemplate that things could turn out worse than we had planned or even different. Even though it was a time of insecurity in ourselves, in some ways, it was the most confident in our lives that we ever were.

Les Miserables is about a man who went to jail for years because he stole a loaf of bread to feed his family. Victor Hugo wrote, "Liberation is not deliverance. A convict may leave the galleys behind but not his condemnation." So what is deliverance if it isn't freedom? Well, from the book, I gathered that deliverance was love. He found his saving grace and lived the rest of his life for Cossette, an orphan who became his daughter. For her he risked his life, saved other lives, and became a noble man. I'm sure Jean Valjean didn't expect his life to turn out the way it did, but I don't think he would have chosen, in the end, to have lived it any other way. We can be condemned by man but truly delivered by love.

Anyway, there's me going deep on you guys again. Watson got my mom a dozen roses for her birthday. I thought that was sweet. He wants me to go to the gas station and get them some powerball tickets. I don't think I have bought a lottery ticket in my life.

Agape

Main Entry: ¹aga·pe
Pronunciation: ä-'gä-(")pA, 'ä-g&-"pA
Function: noun
Etymology: Late Latin, from Greek agapE, literally, love
1 : LOVE FEAST
2 : LOVE 4a

Main Entry: ²agape
Pronunciation: &-'gAp also -'gap
Function: adjective or adverb
1 : wide open : GAPING
2 : being in a state of wonder

Horoscope, Libra

Sometimes the hardest thing to do in life is to do nothing at all. Taking your hands off the steering wheel may seem like a dangerous thing to do, but in actuality right now it could be your best tactic. Let things take their natural course at work, at school and in a new relationship. You have less control over things than you think you do, so just admit that and take yourself off the hook. You don't have to fix anything. It's the way it's meant to be.

Home from work. Sitting in bed right now. Randy said that his wife said I needed to take a trip to California, and I had to tell him that Mark broke up with me. He gave me a huge hug. Later Jay asked what I have been up to and suggested trips to the West coast. I told him not anymore. He asked why we broke up. I didn't really have a good reason.

Trying to find a guest speaker on corporate diversity. We are starting to recruit for ACM-W which is an organization on campus Caroline and I started for women in technology. I called a few companies today. I have some meetings on campus tomorrow and have to help Lance with finalize an application he has been working on to get it to QA tomorrow. I got my official letter yesterday from the student office of disabilities to give to my professors. It makes me feel a little better to have some support as to why I am not doing as good as I normally do in school right now. I am going to talk to my professors tomorrow. I am not really that worried about it. Worse case scenario I can take a little time off from school and work some more hours. I would just have to get an individual health insurance policy.

Maybe someone can take me to a movie tonight; let me see what's playing . . . Freedom Writers sounds interesting. Is the Stranger Than Fiction movie already out of theaters or hasn't made it there yet? Huh.

Wendy was hanging out with some kind of Go Active club that did canoeing and other fun activities. I have to ask her what their website was. Oh, on a side note, Sean and I exchanged emails, and it was no big deal. Nice to not be all weird about it. I can't say he didn't hurt me, but I can honestly say I don't want to be with him. I wish I never had to go through the hurt, but that is another story. It took me a long time and meeting Mark to get here with Sean. Life is funny like that. So, this year, I have achieved okay-ness with Tom, Kyle, Jay, Todd, and Sean. My ex-boyfriend check list.

Why does everyone in this world seem to drink but me? I always get, "hey, let's go out for a beer." Why the heck would I want a beer? Give me a diet Pepsi or something. Anyway. In a weird mood after work so I am being kind of random.

Counting Sheep

Places I would like to visit:

1) Grand Canyon
2) Rocky Mountains
3) Stonehenge
4) Greek ampitheater
5) Louvre
6) Eiffel Tower
7) Hawaii waterfalls
8) Sphinx
9) Hanging Gardens
10) Leaning Tower of Pisa

People that I never want to lose touch with (other than family):
1) Joel
2) Dave
3) Francis
4) Mark
5) Ann
6) Liz
7) Tausha
8) Tom

Goals I want to accomplish during my life:
1) Get married
2) Have 1-2 kids
3) Teach
4) Make a positive difference in the world
5) Love God
6) Love others

People I have cheated on:
1) Tom
2) Jason & David

Cats:
1) Thomas Sawyer
2) Sebastian Thomas Sawyer
3) Harley
4) Chiaroscuro
5) Ra

Dogs:
1) Little Bit
2) Cleo
3) Bandanit
4) Jewel
5) Confucius
6) DeWhite
7) Lady
9) Digger
10) Man
11) Starbutt
12) Butch
13) Chinny

Volunteer activities I have done:
1) Habitat for Humanity
2) Guardian ad Litem
3) March of Dimes
4) St. Jude Bike-a-thon
5) Sort donations Crisis Assistance Ministry
6) Easter baskets American Red Cross
7) Build easels for a charter school
8) Mid Florida Area on Aging
9) Pinellas Association for Retarded Children
10) Blooming Place for Kids
11) Paul & the 99 cent store
12) Tutoring
13) Shakespeare in the Park

Cars I have owned:
1) Sentry
2) Pearl

Schools I have attended:
1) East Marion Elementary
2) Leakesville Elementary
3) Leakesville Junior High
4) Buchholz
5) Pinellas Park
6) University of Florida
7) St. Pete College
8) UNC Charlotte

Places I have lived:
1) Ocala, FL
2) Leakesville, MS
3) Gainesville, FL
4) St. Pete, FL
5) Clearwater, FL
6) Gainesville, FL
7) Overland Park, KS
8) Atlanta, GA
9) St. Pete, FL
10) Charlotte, NC

Names I have been called:
1) Pamela Jean Karr
2) Pammy Jean
3) PJ
4) Pam
5) Cutie
6) Honey
7) Baby
8) Ching Chong
9) Keebler
10) Crang
11) Scylla
12) Agape
13) Mom
14) Cute
15) Tiny

Things I wanted to be when I grew up:
1) Singer
2) Chef
3) Journalist
4) Lawyer
5) Teacher
6) Mom

Wow, I was completely wrong in who I thought those books were from. It is even a better surprise, I think, now that I know who sent them. (Sorry, just got an email)

Truth in Advertising

I found this in an old file on my computer from a dating site on which I had posted:


One Amerasian female, slightly used but in good condition. 5'3 1/2'', 125 lbs, brown hair and eyes, own house and car, masters degree, working on PhD. Comes with two cats. Some TLC needed. She grinds her teeth at night, never orders directly off the menu, cries about once or twice a month, works too hard, sometimes forgets to shave her legs, checks her e-mail too often, is allergic to most forms of alcohol, has a thing for tall guys, can't refrain from making smart remarks, is very ticklish, can never find shoes small enough to fit her feet, wants to be friends with most of her ex-boyfriends, likes to talk about emotions, makes excessive lists, always sleeps on the right side of the bed, likes to take mid-afternoon naps, likes her showers too hot, uses big words, has lots of guy friends, can be a clutz, diverts her eyes during the sex scenes in movies, enjoys being nerdy, needs lots of attention, requires commitment, wants kids, doesn't have cable, often interrupts people in the middle of a sentence, is constantly seeking God, likes country music, doesn't like seafood, and writes unconventional personal ads. If you are still interested, she would be well worth the investment. Serious inquiries only.

Beauty and the Geek

Chris was watching Beauty and the Geek, and I knew all the answers for the geeks and none for the beauties. Shoot, I even taught one of the questions they asked to my class tonight. Sigh.

Invisible

I had a long day today. Just got back from teaching class. I like teaching. Most of my students are actually older than I am. I wonder if they like my class this semester. I am not as well prepared as I was last semester.

I feel detached from everything. My closest friends aren't in Charlotte. My boyfriend has disappeared, and I can't think of anyone else I would rather be with. I was angry at him for maybe a day, but I love him too much to stay angry. He isn't perfect, and he makes mistakes. So do I. I am praying for him constantly. I am praying for myself too. I don't do well with hurt. Most other things I can handle. I have been trying to get everything in my life back in order.

I spend a lot of my time alone. I feel best when I am thinking about others instead of myself. I feel best when I am helping strangers. They don't need to know my problems, and in some way I can be useful to them. Maybe I should refocus my life on just giving like Mother Teresa instead of hoping to get something in return. I don't think I can be that selfless though. It does seem to be the only way not to get hurt.

My mom's birthday is tomorrow. She won't tell Watson how old she is.

I work tomorrow and Friday. Kirk and I are taking Sable to pet therapy with old people on Saturday. Hands on Charlotte does have volunteer opportunities but not as many as LA Works. I have to find some other organizations for volunteer activities. I love people.

Porcupine sex and three myths of compatibility

Here is an interesting article about relationship compatibility.

Regards

I have never signed a letter or email with "regards." I use "thanks" in most cases even if the person isn't really doing anything for me and even if I am doing something for them. I guess it is more like a thanks for taking the time to read. I use "take care" in more personal emails to friends and especially when I want to show concern. I use "hugs" when I am gently chiding or trying to comfort someone. I use "love" for very few people, my boyfriend and family and sometimes my closest friends. I use "agape" when I am sharing a piece of my soul and really want to convey love that comes from God that most certainly wouldn't be able to come from just me. That's it, no regards, warm or otherwise.

Happy Birthday, Kim

Today is my sister Kim's 34th birthday. Happy Birthday! I don't think she realizes how much I look up to her. Every essay I wrote in school about my role model was about Kim. I wanted to be just like her. She was always pretty and quirky and smart and strong. Growing up, besides Lily, Kim was my only playmate. When she left for college, I wanted to go with her because she was practically my mom after my dad died when I was seven and Kim was fourteen. I followed Kim around like a puppy dog. She let me go to my first sock-hop when mom was out of town. We slept on the same pull out couch in a fifth-wheel for two years. She always got mad because I scooted over to her side. In retrospect, it must have been hard for Kim because she was just a kid often responsible for me. Neither one of us really had a childhood. I was always jealous of Kim and thought mom loved her more because when Kim wanted John to leave, he left for a while. He came back the same day Kim left for college. And when I told mom he had to leave, she sent me away. Kim is still as smart and pretty as she ever was. She is a talented writer. She is happily married to Tony whom she met her first day of college. She has managed to make a life for herself that I haven't been able to yet. She deserves all the good she has found. I love you, Kim.

Sleep

Cursed. Always tired but can never sleep. I have an appt. on campus at 8 AM. I teach from 6:30 PM until 9:15 PM. I really want to be asleep right now. It has been a week since I have talked to Mark. He told me to never contact him again, so I am trying to obey his wishes. Just read a quote from Mother Teresa: "Love until it hurts." If that is one way to get closer to God, then it will probably be my salvation.

It is cold in here. Maybe about 65 degrees.

Crazy Beautiful

Free Ride When You've Already Paid

Darn it. I just got charged a $90 annual fee for a credit card that I can't use. I have never gotten a credit card with an annual fee before. Life takes VISA, I guess. Between life and my bum, there have been a lot of extra expenses recently. I also have a whole lot of deadlines coming up that I am not going to make unless a miracle happens. It's just going to have to be that way for now. There are more important things. If I fail, I fail. I just want to be happy; I don't have to be successful. I am not going to kill myself over all these things and at the end of the day be as miserable as when I started.

I am following the text book as to what you are supposed to do to get back to a healthy place in life. I have always been a good student; there isn't a step I have missed. Most places teach the 12 step programs, mine is more like the 101 step program. No one can say I haven't tried.

She'll sing her song to anyone that comes along . . .

Right Now

I am feeling decent right now. I am getting some work done for work. Someone sent me some books anonymously. I have a hunch where they are from, but I am not sure. So, thank you. They look really interesting, so I am looking forward to reading them. I had a bagel and cream cheese with a diet cherry Pepsi for breakfast. My allergies have been acting up. I need to get the carpet replaced in my bedroom soon.

Another Day

I wake up more tired than when I went to sleep. I am going to work from home today. They may get mad, and I should go in. However, I have a meeting I have to go to on campus around 4:30 PM. I will try to go in on Thursday. I have a paper due tomorrow that I need to write this evening. Whatever. Should have done it last night so I could go to Bible study tonight, but I didn't. I developed a zit above my lip sometime last night. Ow. Hopefully it will go away before I teach tomorrow night. Knowing me, I will squeeze the heck out of it between now and then though. I have to go upstairs and set up my work laptop.

I Refuse

Maybe the reason I never win is because I simply refuse to play the game. Every woman knows how to play the game. Pretend that you aren't that into him. Play hard to get. Don't fall in love. Keep you eyes open for a better guy to come along. Make him always apologize first. Don't ever tell him that you want to marry him (even if he brought it up first). Don't go out of your way to make him feel special. Don't call. Don't make changes for him. Don't cry over him. Let him be jealous. Don't reassure him. Keep secrets from him. Don't show him your vulnerabilities. Don't let him be your best friend. Don't rely on him for anything. Never ever need him. Don't let him know you will always be there for him. Be confident. Remind him that you can find someone better. Wear heels wherever you go. Don't try to impress his parents. Always shave your legs.

Love is patient, kind, humble, forgiving, hopeful, truthful, and eternal - not conniving, cruel, vengeful, and ephemeral.

I am so tired. I am trying to not be bitter. I just want to love him even if he isn't here for me when I need him most. I want to love every good quality and every flaw that makes him him. That's me. I have never been a great actress. I have to trust in God that if I keep trying to do what is right, eventually everything will be okay. Not feeling so strong.

They are the magi

Listening to Norah Jones. Looking at my computer in desperation for it to produce some deliverables for class. It is cold in here. My eyes are blurry. Chris emailed me saying he was worried about me today. It is funny that my roommate emails me for our most profound conversations.

I am chatting with someone about existentialism on-line. I mentioned Stranger by Camus, and he claims that Waiting for Godot is the epitome of existentialism. Shall we go? Yes, let's go. (Neither one moves.)

Waiting. I hate waiting. I know what I want, and I have been waiting for it my whole life. It isn't that I don't have patience. It has just run out.

Dr. Little

The cats went for their annual appointment to see Dr. Little. They closed the road I normally take to get there, so I got miserably lost. I didn't know who to call. I tried calling my ex Gene because he works near there, but unsurprisingly, he didn't answer. I called Jerry from work because he was the only other person I could think of who lived over that way. We ended up getting to the vet about 15 minutes late. The cats were upset, but they are happy to be back home again. I was getting really stressed because I was lost with two howling cats in the car. I am an unfit mother.

Soul in a Soul

For those who might be wondering, I unlinked my blog from my personal/professional website. I am trying to keep my blog separate since I really only want to expose this part of myself to friends. I know I can still be googled, but at least I am not explicitly inviting people to read my ravings.

I have an appointment on campus at 1:30 PM, and the cats have a vet appointment at 3 PM.

House of Blues

The space bar on my laptop is going. I have to keep going back to add spaces. Been trying to lose weight this year. Here is a chart of my progress so far. Have a meeting on campus soon.

Spiritual Gifts

Couldn't sleep. Just took a spiritual gifts test on-line. Says my spiritual gifts are: mercy, hospitality, wisdom, discernment, helps, leadership, serving, knowledge, and administration. My spiritual gifts are not: healing, evangelist, financial giving, craftsmanship, or faith.

Micah 8
He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God.

Zechariah 9
'Administer true justice; show mercy and compassion to one another.

James 2
Mercy triumphs over judgment!

I hear Ra snoring in the living room. Scuro has returned to bed.

God, please increase my faith and have mercy on me. I pray for you to meet all of our needs. Amen.

Giraffe in Quicksand

Five Stages of Grief by Giraffe. Another classic introduced by Muhammed.

Everywhere, Everyone

We all want to be loved as we are. I think I have a lot of friends who can love me for the good and the bad in me, but I think my boyfriends have only loved me for the good. I am pretty sure that I tell them upfront my one fatal flaw is that I get depressed. I don't think they hear me though. Instead of helping me through those times, they have all taken it as complete personal failures and turned tail and ran. It is true, no one wants depression in their lives if they can help it. I recently saw some guys profile that said if you are a manic depressive then go slit your wrists in someone else's bathroom. Nice.

I just need lots of love and understanding and a little encouragement. I know I have a lot of things going for me. I thank God for everything he has given me. I have all the material possessions I need. I have great friends. I have a better relationship with my family. I have been given opportunities for numerous success. I have been told that I have all the things a guy could possible want in a woman, with this one exception.

In Greek tragedies, the protagonists' one fatal flaw was often hubris or pride. Many Shakespearean tragedies all exhibited characters with tragic flaws such as MacBeth and his ambition or Hamlet and his indecision. The question is (To be or not to be, sorry couldn't help myself!), do we all have a tragic flaw that ultimately leads to our undoing?

Karma Police

I am completely useless today. I haven't gotten any homework done. I haven't done much of anything. Kim just called to check on me. Everyone has been checking on me lately. I guess that is a good thing. Muhammed sent me a CD that I am going to start going through. He titled it "Uncommon Knowledge." Not sure what to expect.

Trying to Focus

Went to church this morning then went grocery shopping. Just made an agenda for our first ACM-W meeting. Synced my phone with my laptop. Submitted my timesheet for work. About to buy my textbook for INFO 8120. Doing laundry. Need to pay some bills. The cats go to the vet tomorrow. Cable is now hooked up in the guest room for use with the elliptical machine thanks to Muhammed. Oh yeah, here is a congratulations to Jay for finishing his PhD. Need to get my head on straight to do homework so I can get mine one day as well.

Red Eye

Trying to wake myself up to get my butt to church. Reminds me of Hamlet and Ophelia, "Get thee to a nunnery." Not sure why. Anyway.

Went to the Crisis Assistance Ministries to sort donations as a volunteer activity with Hands on Charlotte yesterday. It was nice, but I liked taking Paul to the 99 cent store better.

Picture

Here is a picture of me and my friend Amber.

Engagements

My friend Jessica and her boyfriend Brian along with my ex-boyfriend Todd and his girlfriend Kimberly just got engaged. Congratulations!

Perfect

The saddest souls I have ever seen were those inside people who have successfully made themselves perfect. They work harder than everyone else. They don't have weaknesses. They never ask for help. They are beautiful, well spoken, and funny. They never turn down a new challenge and make it all seem easy. They have material wealth to show their success. They are intelligent and humble. They are always there to help others. They are talented beyond belief. They never fail.

Here's the thing: no one is perfect. Being perfect will kill you; believe me, I have tried. So when you take the time to look closely at these people, you see this deep saddness. When you look even deeper you see someone who loathes themselves. They don't take care of anything in the inside because they have to work so hard on the outside to keep it all up. They are terrified of being caught and found out that they are frauds, imposters. They have a hard time letting people in because they need that empty space to fall apart and can't keep up the facade twenty-four hours, seven days a week. They are hypersensitive to criticism and never hear the compliments. Their biggest fear is this imminent failure that they know will eventually come to pass. That is when everything will crash to the ground and people will find out that they are no longer perfect. To them, that is death. Because they believe that they truly don't deserve to be loved unless they are perfect.

They best thing that ever happened to me is that crash. I no longer had to be continually strong. I crashed (a few times), and I realized that people still loved me. In fact, I think they love me more. At least they loved me for who I really am. I think the saddness keeps people away because they so desperately want to help. They want you to know it is okay to be vulnerable and flawed. It is okay to want to be happy. There are some people who are disappointed, but they aren't truly the ones who care about you. They just care about what you have to offer.

Family

Here are the pictures from the trip to Gainesville. I look kinda rough, but here they are anyway. I like the one with me and Emily cuddling.

Who loves, raves.

This is my daily quote about love from Lord Byron. I was curious as to what he meant, so I looked up the definition:

Main Entry: rave
Pronunciation: 'rAv
Function: verb
Inflected Form(s): raved; rav·ing
Etymology: Middle English
intransitive verb
1 a : to talk irrationally in or as if in delirium b : to speak out wildly c : to talk with extreme enthusiasm
2 : to move or advance violently : STORM
transitive verb : to utter in madness or frenzy


This reminds me of another quote I came across a few years ago. "A man has no business to marry a woman who can't make him miserable. It means she can't make him happy."

I guess I agree. Only true love can be passionate enough to drive you crazy, but is really the only thing that can truly save you sometimes as well. I know love has made me rave more times than I would like to admit.

Happy

6 years old - I got goldfish for Christmas
8 years old - Sebastian Thomas Sawyer
14 years old - First kiss
16 years old - Danced naked in the rain
17 years old - Mom and John broke up
18 years old - Chiaroscuro
20 years old - Reading to each other in bed with the flu, Ra
21 years old - Mom quit smoking
24 years old - Trip to Niagara Falls
26 years old - Laying on the beach, Westcoast

It was written in a song

Angel - Sarah Mclaughlin
White Flag - Dido
She Thinks His Name was John - Reba McEntire
Daughters - John Mayer
Against All Odds - Phil Collins
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Draw me Close - Kutless
Circle - Edie Brickell
Seven Years - Norah Jones

To Sleep Perchance to Dream

I haven't been sleeping well lately. My jaw is sore when I wake up, so I think I am grinding my teeth more than usual. I have a cough right now so hopefully that will clear up some. I was supposed to go to campus for a new candidate presentation, but there is ice on the ground. I am going to stay home.


"Trying to forget someone you love is like trying to remember someone you never met."

To Teach

I have 44 students in my class this semester and am sitting in the classroom for class to start. I had a nice pick-me-up today; I got the comments from my teacher evaluations from last semester. I had one negative comment that said I was almost "too laid back." (Me, laid back? Hilarious!) One comment said "the teacher is perfect." That made me smile. The other comments were also very positive.

Anyway, 45 minutes until class begins.

. . . After class.

I am glad that I have a roommate. Chris is a good guy, and it is just nice knowing that I am not alone in the house. I really lucked out having found him on-line. We don't even hang out that much, but he loves Ra, so he is okay by me.

Whole or Hole

Why is it that when you need help, it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you? Why do people immediately assume that you need to be fixed if you have problems? None of us need to get fixed. We were made to be imperfect. God created us with holes in our hearts; he did not create us whole. We need him and each other to be whole. We all need help.

I struggle with this myself. I try to hide my weaknesses, but maybe I should just admit to them instead. My counselor suggested I file with the student office of disabilities for my battle with depression. Even though most of the time, I keep it in check, there are times I really can't handle all that life throws at me. And that is okay. It has thrown a whole heck of a lot my way. Maybe this way, I will have some more resources available to me when I need them instead of after the fact. I try to cover it up because I don't want people to think I am a failure, but maybe if I just admit to it up front, then the times when I do fail, people will be more forgiving. I know that I am intelligent, and I have worked very hard. I am trustworthy and capable of more than most. And this is me admitting to my weaknesses. I hope I can be loved anyway.

Praying continually,
Pam

Wednesday

I have a long day ahead of me. I didn't get to sleep until early this morning. I have an appointment on campus this AM. I have office hours after that, class, and teaching. I will get home probably around 9:30 PM. Will need to stop by Starbucks. I am not usually a coffee drinker.

God is Good

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

God, thank you for being there for me no matter what. You have never turned your back on me. I know I am not perfect, but you accept me anyway. You are awesome. Because I know you love me, I have grown so much in the last few years. I give more, love deeper, and am a stronger person. You have shown me how to love myself as well. I am confident in who I am. You have made me a better person. I like me. For the first time in a long time, I don't feel ashamed of myself. You have forgiven me for my sins. Thank you. Through Jesus, I pray, Amen.

Francis and Me

I called in sick from work today so here is me without make up and not feeling so great. Chris had a friend over for dinner tonight, so that was nice. We made BBQ chicken, baked potatoes, garlic bread, corn, and green beans. Made multiple lists today so I am at least attempting to reorganize. Wednesdays are my long days on campus. I am expecting a call tonight then I am going to get some sleep. Biscuit is such a cute dog. I am definitely going to get a dog for my kids (when I have kids). I love both cats and dogs. Animals in general are just awesome. There is no evil in them unlike humans.

Here is a picture of Francis and I at mom's apartment. I didn't bring my camera with me to Florida, so Kim should be posting some that I can link to once she gets back to Louisville.

Blog Things

Your Career Type: Social

You are helpful, friendly, and trustworthy. Your talents lie in teaching, nursing, giving information, and solving social problems. You would make an excellent: Counselor - Dental Hygienist - Librarian Nurse - Parole Officer - Personal Trainer Physical Therapist - Social Worker - Teacher The worst career options for your are realistic careers, like truck driver or farmer.

What's Your Ideal Career?

Lost Alone

I am doing my best to at least maintain a facade that things are going well right now. I have students, friends, family, and strangers coming to my blog . . . so I really need to censor myself. I am going to reread some of my recent posts and make them more cheerful. Anyway, I just wanted to thank Joel, Francis, and Dave for being such great friends. I want to thank God for bringing my family together for a few days. I want to thank Jay for thinking about my mom for the condo. This is the most excited I have seen her in a very long time. I am home now with two cats. I don't know where Ra went, but Scuro is laying at the end of the bed. This is going to be a busy week for me. Most people do better when they are kept busy, but it doesn't really help me. I am drinking yellow Gatoraid. I want to be able to sleep well tonight.

Cricket Feet

I slept on mom's couch last night. It isn't as cold here in Florida as it has been in North Carolina. Yesterday Joel came over for dinner last night and spent some time with Watson, mom, and I. Mom, Watson, and I went to the mall to get some Gator apparel from their recent championship win. Tom picked me up, and we spent a few hours reminscing and talking about life as it has become. We haven't hung out in Gainesville together for quite some time. We went to the Veteran's Memorial Park to take a walk . . . where we would go twelve years ago in high school. He is going through a hard spot right now, so it was nice to have someone to talk to.

Pirate

I am pirating Internet from one of my mom's neighbors. She doesn't have Internet. I had gotten her dial-up last year, but I cancelled it because she never used it. Lisa was frantic because we hadn't made plans for this weekend. Kim and Tony coming was a last minute thing. Mom is just happy all three of her girls will be here. Joel is coming over for dinner tonight. Mom has made a pot roast. Tomorrow, the guys are going to the O'Connell Center for some event around the Gator's National Championship. The girls will probably go to lunch. We are going to have a family dinner tomorrow night. Sunday night I am going to dinner with Francis.

Anyway, I think someone just realized I was on their network because my Internet connection just dropped. Let's see if I can find another network to connection to. I probably won't be able to get on-line consistently from here.

Thank You

Pastor Patrick for sending me emails to check up on me even though I haven't seen him in years. Kirk who is always there to drive me to the airport and around town. Chris who watches the cats when I am out of town. Tausha who posts a positive comment about any picture I put up on MySpace. Auntie Es and Uncle Herb who still send me a birthday gift. Mr. and Mrs. Folsom for giving me the couch out of their living room when I had no furniture in high school. Francis, Frank, Pietro, Claude, Amy, Bonnie who all remember me during the holidays. Jay who may be giving my mom a nicer place to live. Matt who consistently invites me to Bible study. Kim who most often comments on my blog. Pei-Jen who emails me encouragement when I sound like I am down. Muhammed who cares about me enough to rekindle a friendship. Jim who helped with the leak in my bathtub. Stephanie stood beside me, a neighbor but a stranger, when my house flooded. Mom for offering to let me live with her if I ever needed to. Tom who read me Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe while I cried myself to sleep. Lane for coming to my legal aid when I barely knew him. Autnie Dot for paying for my trip to California. Dave for driving me to Charlotte to help me find my house. Joel for always answering his phone when I need a shoulder to cry on.

Family

I am going to see my mom this weekend. My sister Lisa and her family also live in Gainesville. Kim and Tony are flying in for the weekend as well. This is a very special event for my family to have everyone together in one place. I will probably see some good friends like Joel, Dave, and Francis while I am in town if I have the time. I will arrive in Gainesville at 10 AM which means I have to leave crazy early in the morning. I haven't packed yet.

Chris cooked dinner tonight and we watched the Shaggy Dog. I contributed mushrooms and salad. It was a goofy but cute movie. He went with me to Matt and Amy's small group the other night. There were some nice people there. The guy who did the praise and worship songs had an awesome voice. I ended up playing the devil's advocate to the Bible study message, but I think they respected my commentary anyway.

I ended up taking an independent study instead of the financial management course I had originally signed up for. I really need to get some papers written this semester.

Psalm 68

A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows,
is God in his holy dwelling.

6 God sets the lonely in families, ^[b]
he leads forth the prisoners with singing;
but the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land.

Rather Be Lucky Than Good

Off to church in about 10 minutes. It is rainy looking outside. Still not very cold. Someone came and picked up the futon so I put the guest room back together. Just need to run cable into that room, and we will have it set up with the elliptical machine. Selling Joel's weight set right after church. Then I can clean out my garage. I have been storing all my boxes in there, and I think I will move them up to the attic. Heard that it might act as some insulation, a double purpose. School starts Monday. I have updated my class page. I checked my roster, and I have 43 students currently enrolled. That is almost twice the size of my first class. Mark is in Detriot for the dealer auto show.

Ramen Noodles

Here is a tribute to the man who invented ramen noodles. He died recently. I lived on the stuff.

Mythical

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person. However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways. You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order. You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

What Mythological Creature Are You?

Room for Squares

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort. You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds. You see yourself with pretty objective eyes. How you view yourself is almost exactly how other people view you. Your near future is still unknown, and a little scary. You'll get through wild times - and you'll textually enjoy it. For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

2006 Expense Summary