Pam

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Oh, This is Classic

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Actually, they are pretty much on target

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Secret Agent Man

Today was the typical busy day. I have a lot to do, and I am on a tight schedule. Never seem to make picking up the dry cleaning a priority.

I need more female friends. I am going to start going on the dating sites again and finsing interesting chicks. However, I will have to just flirt with them because I am too cheap to subscribe to anything. Then, they will probably just get weirded out. Jess and Kassie are really my two female friends in Charlotte. Jess and I take turns getting tied up with men. Kassie and I take turns getting swamped with school work. Must find more uncomplicated female friendships.

Yay, we bought mint hint paint for the office today. Geez, Ra is snoring like crazy. That cat needs some breathe right strips or something!

I wore a skirt and heels to my meeting on campus today. I had my comvertible top down, and radio turned up. I was chillin'. (Yeah, that isn't Pam vocab, but we will go with it.) It is actually cool outside. I definitely have not gotten used to the weather here!

Life is full of interesting things.

Down Time

I have some down time between classes. I need to make a bazillion copies, but I am going to wait just a little bit before I start doing that. Joel had his first driving lesson today, and he didn't run into the house. I am happy about that. He should be able to get his license in the next few weeks. The talk I had with Muhammed last night went pretty well. Like usual, we laughed a lot. I talked to Todd today. It is hard to date a guy when he is in Germany! I pretty much won't see him for about a month total. I dislike long distance relationships. Hopefully it won't feel so long distance when he actually lives in the same state. I want to be in a well-defined relationship where the guy knows I am what he wants. (I know that some guys out there might be saying "well, I do know!") I guess I have to qualify that statement by saying the guy has to be what I want too. (Not meant in a bad way) I know it takes time. I just dislike ambiguity. I like knowing how it is so I can act accordingly. Sometimes I can care less about the actual outcome than just knowing what the outcome is. I like making decisions and moving forward. People tend to overstate good news and delay bad news. You never know if you are making the right choice, so why flip flop about it? Make a decision and follow it to its conclusion. One thing about me is that I know what I want. Of course, I might be completely wrong for wanting what I want, but I am pretty clear as to what it is I want. I don't date more than one guy at a time. I tried that before, and it just gets really messy. It doesn't make sense to set yourself up in a situation where you know at least one person will eventually get hurt. I am in a tough situation right now because I have a lot going on. I simply don't have time for games. I need mature, stable relationships where I can just enjoy the other people. I don't want to worry because I have too much else to do. I guess I can be way too matter-of-fact. Right now, I am worried about Joel. I told him "let's talk" yesterday and just told him how things were. He has to decide if that is something he can handle. The talk went well. I think we are handling things in a healthy way. Communication is the key. Neither one of us are doing anything wrong. I don't have time to worry about him, but I know I have the responsibility to do my part in our friendship. I can only control my own actions and expect others to be able to control their own. However, I tend to realize the burdens of others and want to fix them. Joel, can I stop worrying about you now? Muhammed, I am not worrying about you. You are reggae dancing with girls and (jealous hmmph) driving them around. I think I am getting grumpy because I am a very social person, and I have been too busy to really spend much time socializing. And when you can't talk to the person you are dating but are being faithful, that means the number of people you are talking to diminishes. Okay, footnote - I am not mad or fustrated at Todd and the paragraph above has not much to do with him directly than just thoughts about me. Todd is fine. Todd and I are fine. I am a bit stressed though. I am going through a transition period where my schedule and life have completely changed - again. I am juggling, but I will feel better once I get to the point where everything is streamlined. Generally, I like change so don't worry too much. I like having a lot to do because it means I will have a lot accomplished. I'm doing well. I need to spend some time with friends. Some simple time. Nothing where I have to guard what I say or worry about other people's feelings. Time where we can laugh and have fun and just be alive. I think you have to be able to deal with the heavy stuff, but it is also needed to be able to just enjoy the people in your life and rejoice in their presence.

Postscript

Okay, I have never been one to "check out" guys. In fact, I am usually pretty oblivious. However, I have discovered two types of movie personas that I find pretty darn sexy:

First, it the cool, calm, collected, don't mess with me type. I think I am attracted to this type because no one would mess with me if he was my boyfriend!

Second, (not necessarily in this order) is the romantic, hunky, let me read Shakespeare to you type. Can a man that cute really have a brain and treat a woman well?

Dreamy sigh.

Anyway, Joel and I went to see Transporter 2 tonight. I liked it very much even though it was even less realistic than the first movie. I think I am into action flicks as long as they have some plot. Muhammed wants me to call him before I go to bed tonight, so I better finish up soon. I have to take a few minutes to collect myself because he is going to be all deep and profound on me. I have to prepare.

My mom called tonight. Ra keeps chewing on his tail. I think the tip of it might be dying again. I made chicken enchiladas and beef and bean burritos this weekend. I froze them (probably 8 total) to bring for lunch during the week. I had previously bought some of those 59 cent burritos from the store, and I decided I could do much better.

Starting another busy week tomorrow. I am going to work from home and go to class. Tomorrow is my busiest day this week so the rest of the week shouldn't be that bad.

Pictures!

Pam and Joel (Not seen in picture - Pam setting timer on camera and running to be in the picture. Notice the wall. Isn't it great?):




A classic Pam shot taken at Kirk's potluck:



Another classic Pam picture (Caught by surprise thanks to Joel. I called this "Pam the PhD student"):

Labor Day

I finished up most of my reading today, so I am going to a movie this evening. Nothing too eventful has been happening today. The ducks just landed in the pond.

So Joel just put his friend Pat on the phone with me to try to convince me to marry Joel. Some things never change. Impending talk with Joel . . .

I need to get a bit more reading done today.

Do Da Do

I like to assume that people are good; I am scared that they are not. I have been hurt a lot in the past, and tend to worry that the rest of my life is a hold out sample in proving that the past will accurately predict the future. However, at least so far, I haven't let that stop me in believing in the best out of people.

I expect a lot out of myself - moreso than anyone else. As most, I am always my worst critic. Therefore when others criticize me, sometimes it acts more as discouragement than a kick in the pants.

I expect people to communicate their emotions and needs. I expect people to tell you pertinent information and to not lie. I don't expect people not to leave, but I expect the leaving should not be a surprise. I expect people to understand what they are thinking and feeling. If they don't know, then they will never be able to explain it to someone else. I expect people to set acceptable boundaries for themselves instead of doing something that makes them uncomfortable until they eventually snap. I expect people to hurt me, but I expect the hurt to be respectful, not spiteful. Someone can hurt you because they have to. They shouldn't be faulted for that. However, if they hurt you because they want to or because it makes things easier for them doing it in a way that causes you more harm, that is unacceptable. I expect people to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I expect people to also see the good in me and others. I guess I expect a lot out of other people too.

Anyway, I have one more article for which to write a critical summary. I will do that in the morning. I think I will turn in tonight with my text on Corporate Information Strategy and Management. Fun, fun.

Oh, BTW - Joel drove today. Although I only let him drive to the pool and back, he did pretty good. He starts his driving lessons on Tuesday.

I am going to write down my prayers before bed. My journal has often turned into a prayer book. I tend to let my mind wonder when I am praying to myself. However, if I write it down, I am able to better consolidate my thoughts. I have had a journal for the majority of my life. This particular journal was started in October of 2004. A lot has happened since then.

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Soak up the Sun

Joel and I went to the pool for a few hours today. I brought some really dense reading materials - IT research journal articles - and Joel brought a novel by Stephen King. (I am so jealous!) I guess I lost track of time because I came back with a fairly decent sunburn. We got out my new cucumber mellon body cream and tried to prevent future peeling. We just came back from the store. I put together a pizza and have set Joel to the task of watching it cook.

I am about to write three papers to summarize three of the articles I read. After that, I have about 250 pages to read in my text. It shouldn't be as dry as the article reading. I should be able to get through that pretty quickly. Whoa, you know it is bad when you are looking forward to reading a textbook.

Todd won't be back in town until the 24th or something like that. My cuddle quota is seriously not being met this month.

Poor Joel. I have deprived him of food all day. He must be starving. There isn't much of the boy to let attrition.

Muhammed came over last night. So he and Joel watched me file away paperwork and rework my calendar. It was kinda sad. I feel like a bad hostess, but I just have a lot of stuff to get done. Once I get into a routine, things will be better.

Talked to Ann yesterday and Jeanne today. It is always refreshing to have friends who are very much like you. It makes you realize that although you are unique, it doesn't mean you are crazy.

Must start writing a critical summary of quadric algorithms for something-or-another.

Naps

I love naps. I dropped Auntie Dora and Doug off at the airport this morning. Joel and I ran some errands, and I took a really long nap. Yay.

I have to migrate to the office eventually and figure out what exactly I have to read this weekend. I don't have class on Monday so I only have to worry about what I need to have done for Tuesday classes.

I was a little grumpy today and so was Joel. So we got a little catty today. However, like we always do, we made up fairly easily. He is on the phone with his friend in Ashville right now. No one calls me anymore. :-(

I am bidding on the soundtrack to Les Mis. I loved the book and the musical.

Muhammed, where are you? I don't think we have hung out since Joel got here. Now, you take him out bowling - I'm jealous. Get your butt over here.

We almost ran out of gas today. The gas station near me is out of gas. And gas is really expensive! Pearl's gas light was on, but we luckily found a gas station. However, they only had regular gas. Pearl had to settle for that - not sure if she is going to complain about that.

Even with the gas costing so much, I am really getting antsy to take a trip to the mountains. I need to catch up and get ahead with my reading so I can disappear for a while.

Pamela Jean Karr

Some Stuff:

Pam's Weak Points:
1) obsessive about making lists
2) impatient
3) grind my teeth at night
4) high cholesterol
5) think too much
6) aiming or catching
7) nightmares at night
8) demanding
9) insecure
10) too direct
11) stress
12) high maintenance
13) picky
14) kinda boring
15) interrupts people

Some Good:
1) caring
2) responsible
3) driven
4) hard-working
5) honest

Your Tour Guide, Pam

We went to Concord Mills, Charlotte Museum of History (and a walking tour of the Alexander house), to the Camden Art Festival, and out to eat today. The four of us (Auntie Dora, Doug, Joel, and myself) piled into my car. I actually was the driver today.

Charlotte doesn't have as much to do as there was stuff to do in Tampa Bay. I will have to try to plan some fun stuff. I want to take a trip to the mountains soon. Cuddling up in a tent can be very . . . romantic. Of course, Todd would need to get back in town first. Probably not a good idea to cuddle up with someone else.

As most people know, Joel is my best friend, but he would also like to be more. I love him, but I never felt that way about him. Now, it would be even harder to feel that way about him because of his friendship. I don't know what I would do if we weren't friends anymore. I have a feeling that he won't stay here very long even though he is welcomed here. Of course, he will read this so it isn't something I am hiding from him. I worry because I want him to be happy. He is very sweet and attentive to me. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't do sweet things for him because I don't want him to misinterprete my actions. I let him know how grateful I am for everything he does, but sometimes I don't feel like it is enough in return.

I thought about Jason some today. We were so completely different, but we did have some good times together. I just want to call him and make up . . . not date, but just have him not hate me. However, I know that I need to just leave things alone. I think me contacting him would be disruptive to how he dealt with the whole thing.

Last I knew, Todd and I were still seeing each other. He called from the Ukraine, and we talked a bit yesterday. However, I am not assuming anything right now. He seems like a pretty good guy, but I really don't know him that well. I don't know who was in his life before me. I don't know his friends. I don't even know his dogs! I would like to get to know a lot more about him. However, I am hestitant because of the whole getting hurt/disappointed. My assessment so far: I think we would make a snyergistic couple. He is smart and competent. He is probably the first guy I have dated who is actually more well off than I am. (Yet 9 years older!) He wants kids. He likes to travel. He is pretty normal. Although he can be snooty, he can also be down-to-earth. He does tend to play a little macho. He doesn't like to show his weaknesses. He is very independent - both of his parents have passed away. He is self-conscious about his looks, but he is handsome. He is very confident about his intellect though. I like him.

I could be completely off with my opinions about people, but I do enjoy analyzing people. I analyze myself all the time!

I talked to my ex Jim he other day. He actually called me this time. He is seeing an Asian woman (big surprise) but doesn't seem to be very into her. I think he is a good guy, but he doesn't know how to make himself happy. He does know how to work all the time. He is very cute and smart so once he is ready to settle down (which I think might not happen), he won't have a hard time finding a girl to settle down with. I was really mad at him for being a punk for a while, but then everything Sean did completely over-shadowed what happened with Jim, so I wasn't mad at him anymore. We chat occassionally. He still calls me "cute girl" which I like.

I talked to my friend Ann on the phone a few days ago. She had her 30th birthday a week or so ago. She moved to Las Vegas to be with her boyfriend. I think she is happy, but I don't know how everything is going to turn out with that. I am glad she has family out there because moving across the country like that is a big sacrifice. I miss her a lot. I want to go visit her in Las Vegas, but I need to make sure everything is going smoothly this semester before planning any big trips.

I heard from my friend Felicia the other day. She has as good of luck with men as I do. She is going to be graduating soon. Maybe once she graduates, she can come visit. I always had fun going out dancing with her.

As you can tell, I am thinking a lot about people right now. They are important to me. I think about the people affected by the hurricane in New Orleans. I know they must really be going through hell. I know that I was this time last year. We think we are so great and powerful (humans) but our lives can be turned upside down in less than a day.

Pei-Jen is looking for a new job. He is thinking about coming to Charlotte since he has another friend here too. It would be neat for him to be out here. I haven't hung out with him since high school. I saw him once when I went to a conference at Carnegi-Melon, but it was just for a day or so.

Well, my guests are watching news coverage on the devastation in New Orleans. Luckily the reception isn't that bad today since I don't have cable. We were going to see Menopause the Musical, but I think we are just going to stay in tonight. They have to get on a plain fairly early in the morning.

So what is the news with you?

Auntie Dora and Doug

My aunt and cousin are in town. We are going site-seeing in Charlotte tomorrow. We went to see a band play tonight. Just a random thought, the sexiest thing a guy can doi for a girl is play the guitar and sing to her.

Sleepy. Going to bed. My tummy is full of chocolate cake.

Pam!

Reassessment on Love

As I get older, I think I am refining my definition of love. I see all the young couples walking around campus holding hands, and I don't identify with them. Why? I am not that much older than they are . . . what is the difference?

Since I have fallen in love quite a few times, I need to modify my perspective on love or else it just seems like it becomes worn out. I can feel love for someone pretty quickly. It might not necessarily mean that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. So is falling in love important? Well, yeah! I think the initial passion and desire in the beginning of a relationship is something you should try to capitalize on and sustain for as long as possible. Because, heck, it is fun. You will reminisce about it for the rest of your lives. But, in the end, it is the Real Love (notice the capitalization) that matters. So now, what do I think that is?

Real Love. Saying and meaning "I love you" even when you are absolutely furious with a person. Making a commitment where you put aside your agenda for the combined good. Opening up the can of worms when you know something is bothering the other person even when it would be the easiest thing to just ignore the issue. Loving that he snores at night. Being able to do the little things that don't matter one way or another to you as long as they matter to the other person. Knowing that you want to have the other persons children. Keeping your promises. Caring enough to fight about things because you know that in the long run, the issue will HAVE to be resolved sometime. It might as well happen now. Truly knowing what he is thinking. Accepting that sometimes he probably ISN'T thinking. Knowing the little quirks and idiosyncrasies. Being comfortable together. Being the first one to reach out. Realizing in the middle of a disagreement, "hey, does this really matter?" Getting to the point where you aren't wishy-washy. "Oh, let's see how this goes" to "you are going to be my husband, and I am going to spend the rest of my life with you." (Obviously, such a statement will have to be mutual or else you are just going to scare the person off!)

"In a world full of ambiguity, this kind of certainty comes only once, and never again. No matter how many lives you live."

Real Love is solid and sustainable. It doesn't always feel good, but if you think about it, anything that we are proud of accomplishing usually comes from perseverence - not hedonism.

"We need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet... I mean, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything--the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things--all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying, 'Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go un-witnessed because I will be your witness.' "

On that note, I have completed the list of my ex-boyfriends on my personal website. Most people don't understand why I keep them up there, but I can't see not acknowledging them. Even if they aren't a part of my life now, they were special to me in the past, and in some ways, will always be special to me. Call me sentimental . . . or just weird. :-)

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Joel, Psychic?

So after I got up this morning, Joel told me he had jumped straight out of bed from some kind of nightmare. He had a premonition that something was wrong in the house. At this point, I would have probably gone back to sleep or at the very most gotten up to check my e-mail. Joel searched every room of the house. He actually found a baby snake underneath the dining room table! Scary! Luckily it was out of the house by the time I woke up.

I have class at 6:30 PM. I think Napoleon might have dropped, so I think it might just be Su and I in the class. It is kind of funny because we seem to keep getting put together for various projects.

Work went well today. I like when I am working closely with someone instead of doing something completely on my own. Woody and I have been splitting up work on this one project that is due in a few weeks. I went in early today because I didn't quite put in my 4 hours that I had logged for the weekend.

Todd has flown the coop. He is flying to Germany and the Ukraine. He will be gone for two weeks. Muhammed has been busy being a full-time student, good son and nephew, and a full-time dad. So I haven't seen him for a bit.

I want to take a weekend trip soon, but I don't think it will happen this weekend because Auntie Dora and Doug will be in town on Thursday and Friday. I have sent them a few e-mails about their trip, but I haven't heard anything back yet. I am not the greatest host as I haven't had much practice.

Anything else noteworthy going on? Hmmm. I have had some stuff going on in my head, but I think it might be a little too convoluted to try to elucidate on my blog. I know, I know, what a cop out.

Another Day in Paradise

I just finished reading all the journal articles for the paper I have to write today. I still have a 200 page book that I am also supposed to "skim" for the paper. I am going to take Joel to lunch first and drop off some dry cleaning. I have to cut my nails before I start this paper. They are getting way too long for typing comfort.

Met some new interesting people at the potluck at Kirk's place last night. It was fun. I saw the regular gang as well. Friends are good to have.

Scott (Panthers guy) just called. I am jealous. He is driving back from Myrtle Beach. I need to make a trip to the beach soon. When am I going to have time for all this stuff:

1) Go to more concerts
2) Go to more plays
3) Go to some Charlotte museums
4) Figure out other neat places in Charlotte
5) Go hiking to waterfalls
6) Visit the OBX
7) Visit Ann and Rick in Las Vegas
8) Drive Joel to see his friend in Ashville
9) Research, research, research!

I feel guilty. I have Joel folding my laundry now. He has helped out a lot around the house. We do have communication breakdowns every now and then that result in some interesting mishaps.

Muhammed drove his mom to Ohio yesterday so was unable to make the potluck. Todd is in Texas hanging out with his boys and friends before going overseas. Monday and Tuesday are going to be pretty busy. And, I have to work all day Wednesday because I am taking off Thursday and Friday because family will be in town.

That's about it for now.

Pam and Todd

Randomness

My first week of school is done. Things went pretty well overall. I had some interesting personal relationship complications earlier in the week. I have a lot of reading to do this weekend. I also committed to work about 4 hours. Even though I am working part time, I feel like I still need to get as much done as when I was working full-time. I am also hoping that they aren't expecting that of me.

I think Todd and I are boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever the heck you want to call it. I said I wouldn't date someone long distance, over 32, or who worked in IT. Not sure what the heck I am doing then! I am used to dating someone who needs me. He doesn't need me which is weird. Usually, I spend all my time in a relationship trying to catch the other person up. Now I feel like I need to catch up! Of course, I have a 8-9 year handicap. I better get busy! I think that is my competitive side getting a hold of me . . . although I am not competitive. I just like being the best. :-)

Joel and I are getting along well. There was some friction earlier in the week when Todd stayed over. Joel was hellbent on being out of the house, but he gave up around 2 AM when he was roaming around town on foot and stepped into a hole. I was pretty blunt with him about how things were going to be. I told him he needed to get a car/license ASAP. I feel a little bossy, but I know that is part of the reason he is here. I am proud of him. He has already gotten his learner's permit since he has been here (less than a week).

I haven't seen Muhammed since probably . . . Monday? He is one of my best friends here, but I know I have been stressing him out lately. I think we all have a lot of things going on right now and emotions are pretty high. We all have our insecurities.

I went to Winston-Salem yesterday to help Todd celebrate the closing on his new house. It is really nice. I am jealous! I want a new house. I really like my house though. It is a pretty interesting juxtaposition I am experiencing. Half the time, I feel like I am complaining. Then I try to remind myself to be thankful and emphasize the good things in my life to other people. Then I just come across as cocky. Can't win sometimes.

I have been having weird dreams lately. I did eat Chick-fil-A pretty late before going to bed last night. It was very interesting visiting my relatives. I wonder how things would have been like if I grew up in that environment. How different would I be? For the most part, I am thankful for who I am. I guess I had to take the hard way to get here, but here I am. That is what matters.

Talked to Rachael (my neice) on the phone yesterday. She is getting so grown up. I love her to death. It is neat that she is so smart, and I don't have to talk to her like a kid anymore. I hope I have kids. That would be so awesome. It is scary to think about raising them in the world's current state, but I think there is still hope to be had.

Auntie Dora and my cousin Doug are coming to visit soon. I am trying to figure out things to do while they are here.

I need to trim Chiaro's back claws. I have been calling her my tap dancer. Ra has been a lap cat moreso than usual. He is very happy that Joel is here (Joel's lap at least).

I need to do some meditation and prayer. I feel a little off-center today.

Who are my true friends? Who are the people who genuinely know me? To whom am I a true friend? What constitutes healthy relationships?

My mind is whirling. Sometimes I get that way. I need to be engaged in deep conversation. My mind needs to be intrigued. I often get introspective. However, I tend to think a lot about myself in rleation to others. What are they thinking? What are their problems? What can I do to help? Who really are they? Do they know who I am? Can't understand Goc, but can we understand one another?

I want a scanner. I have photo albums in paper format. They need to be digital. I need a stereo. My house needs to have more music in it. I want to go camping. I want to go to a play. I want to do yoga. I want to take time to breathe deeply. I want to sleep as peacefully as Ra. I want to feel safe. I wish I could sing. I want to be whispered to in a deep, strong, gentle, and loving voice. But whose? So many things seem ephemeral. What lasts?

Sorry, my thoughts are everywhere tonight.

So Far So Good

Went to my classes today. I don't think they will be too bad. So far, I have two classes that only have three people in them. And the highest number of people so far is 15.



Best Times to Contact Pam:
Monday - 4 PM - 6 PM, after 9:30 PM
Tuesday - 4 PM - 6 PM, after 9:30 PM
Wednesday - Anytime
Thursday - after 12:30 PM
Friday - after 4:30 PM

Jim's birthday is tomorrow. I was planning on sending him an e-card or something. He e-mailed me today to remind me it was his birthday though . . . now all my thought will go uncounted!

Joel and Muhammed are off bowling. I am glad that Joel got out of the house. I don't want him to feel like he is trapped here. Todd will be here tomorrow afternoon. I don't even know how long it has been since I last saw him. I might go to Winston-Salem on Thursday to help him celebrate the closing on his new house. No fair - all his walls come painted. :-(

Where are my underwear and books? I bought them on-line, but I have yet to receive any packages. Oh, the anticipation.

Can't Fix Everything

I hate to say it, but I can't solve every problem - I guess I would even venture to say that it isn't necessarily always problems, more like complications. I can't make things simple. I wish I could. I hate knowing that I make someone's life a little less pleasant. It makes me wonder in the whole scheme of things if I cause more pain or happiness. Can one ever really measure that?

Good News on an Otherwise Stressful Day

Being the conservative person I am, I put that my class was from 6 PM - 10 PM. However, I just found out it is from 6:30 PM - 9:20 PM. Yay! It doesn't help much for today since I am already on campus, but it will be useful in the future. I did find a computer with Internet access, so I am good to go. I went by the dept. and was able to borrow the copier to make a copy of my rebate paperwork for my new JUMP DRIVE. Another yay!

Having male friends is stressful. It is annoying when most of my best friends are guys and when I start dating someone, I lose my support group. On one hand I understand, but on another hand, I feel betrayed. I feel like maybe they are only such good friends because of alterior motives. What am I supposed to do? I can't fix everything. I do have some good friends that are girls, but I don't want to lose any of my friends.

Anyhow, the reason I can't wait until Wednesday is because that is my day off from school and work. I can actually get some stuff done. Monday and Tuesdays are my long days. This Wednesday I am going to my laser hair removal appointment, meeting with the profs on campus, and going out on a date with Todd. He will be leaving for Europe for two weeks this coming weekend.

I went back to work after my week vacation. I am helping Woody with a project that is due in two weeks. We have a lot to do for it, and I am worried that my working only 18 hours a week may not be enough time.

Joel seems to be settling in nicely. He hung the hammock and put together my filing cabinet today. I left him looking at the NC DOT site for driver license information. I worry that he won't get out and make other friends. I want him to be happy here.

Uh oh, I am getting sleepy. I feel it. Ugh. Must stay awake for the first day of class. Wish me luck!

Getting Busy

I slept through church this morning. I woke up early to check my e-mail, and I fell asleep in the chair and a half. Needless to say, I woke up with a pretty bad kink in my neck.

Joel and I went grocery shopping today. I also bought some stuff for the house. I am getting ready for a long day tomorrow, so I am going to make this short. I just need to make it until Wednsday, and I will be just fine.

Breakfast with Joel

We are up having breakfast and are about to go to the store. I posted some more pictures from my California trip on my Yahoo Photos. Enjoy.

Getting ready for school to start tomorrow. We are going to try to be productive today.

EBay!

I just bought some underwear on EBay. (Muhammed, you might not want to click on that link.) It is so much cheaper than buying them at Victoria Secrets. I also found this great invention. Auntie Dora had this little mesh bag to put your delicates in when you wash them. It was SO COOL. Forgive me, I get excited by little innovations. Why didn't anyone tell me about this before?

Washing laundry, unpacking, getting textbooks, and forgetting to eat. I better take an inventory from the refridgerator.

I'm Oriented Now

I just got back from Grad Orientation. Amy left for New Orleans this morning. I am officially roommateless for about 8 whole hours. Joel is due in later today. Boy, am I sleepy.

Let me finish my summary on California.

Wednesday Continued: Went to the Legion of Honor Museum with Auntie Dora. Saw an exhibit on wearable art. That night we rode the Muni (like a subway) to see the play Wicked. Wow, it was awesome. I highly recommend it.

Thursday: Went with Uncle Jensen to Sausalito. Met Kevin, Melinda, and Cammy there. Ate lunch at Poggio. Shopped at some of the local venues. Met some more of the family for dinner at Chevy's Mexican restaurant. My friend Tanu from work also met us. She just moved to San Fransisco this week. She came with us back to Auntie Es and Uncle Herb's place for fresh peach pie. That night I hung out with my cousin Wesley.

Friday: Woke up and went to breakfast with the bon voyage committee. Uncle Herb, Uncle Ray, Uncle Jensen, and Dave saw me off safely to the airport. I got to Charlotte around 10:30 PM. And the previous post should have brought you up-to-date with the rest.

I am excited to start school on Monday. It was neat being back on campus and meeting some of the new graduate students. I am a little worried that work and school will be too much, but we will see how it works out.

It is nice being home. I really enjoyed my trip, but there is something to be said about sleeping in my own bed with my own kitties. I am going to take a nap so I can be productive later. What has everyone else been up to?

Home

I got home around midnight last night after eating dinner with Muhammed at Applebee's. I checked when my orientation started - thinking surely in the afternoon - yeah, it is at 7:30 AM. I didn't get to sleep until 2 AM (11 PM CA time). Oy.

I'll write an update later. :-)

San Fransisco Trip

Okay, before I forget everything I have done, here is a summary:

Friday: Arrived around 10 AM CA time. Uncle Herb picked me up. Got Popeye's chicken. Went to Uncle Ray and Auntie Dot's. Went down Lumbar (crooked) Street and to Coit Tower. Walked around Ghiradelli square and got lotsa chocolate. I think Auntie Es came over, and we ate pizza at the house. However, I don't quite remember. Saw buffalo!

Saturday: Stayed at Auntie Dot's. Went to Fisherman's Wharf and Pier 39 with Auntie Dot, Jenny, and Dave. Auntie Dot, Dave, and I went to China town. Most of the family got together and we went to some place to eat. I don't remember what else we did. Saw Sea Lions! Went back to take pictures of the buffalo.

Sunday: Went to the Winchester Mansion with Uncle Herb, Auntie Es, and Dave. Ate a late lunch and went to Auntie Be and Uncle Wil's. Saw Jenny, but she had to leave for a BBQ. Fell asleep on their floor. Had roast beef dinner at their house. Uncle Herb drove me back to Uncle Ray and Auntie Dot's. Saw Kevin, Melina, and Cammy since they returned from surprising Lisa in Orlando.

Monday: Went to Santa Rosa to the Charles Shulz Museum. Ate Chinese buffet for lunch. Went to Petaluma Outlets to go shooping. Went with Uncle Ray, Auntie Dot, Kristen, Gary, Kaitlyn, Kevin, Melina, Cammy, David, Jennifer, Uncle Herb, Auntie Dora, and I think that's it (though I could be wrong). Went with Uncle Herb and Auntie Dora to dinner. They are starting to run out of American food restaurants to bring me.

Tuesday: Stayed at Auntie Dora's. Uncle Herb picked me up. We walked all the way across the Golden Gate bridge and back. Saw a seal! We had breakfast and went to the Jelly Belly Factory. We had lunch and drove to my cousin Doug's in Berkeley. I saw his new townhouse, and we walked around campus and the surrounding areas. We went back and I met his boyfriend Theo. We went to Poulet for dinner. Doug's brother and my cousin Wesley met us. He drove me through Oakland. We stoped for him to get dinner and went back to my Auntie Dora's.

Wednesday: Slept in! Hanging out with Auntie Dora. Ate spaghetti for lunch and am about to take a shower.

Good Grief, Charlie Brown!

I went to the Charles Shulz museum today. It was neat to see the history behind the comic strip. I ate soo frakin' much today. Muhammed IMed me today that he was fasting, so I told him that I will have to join him when I get back.

So far, I have seen most of my family. Auntie Anna left for Virginia when I left for California. Also her daughters are not in San Fransisco. I keep trying to convince my cousin David, who is 3 months younger than me, to come visit me sometime. I think I might scare him though. :-)

Not writing too much because I am stealing my Auntie Dora's computer to write this update.

I get home around 10 PM on Friday. I have orientation for the PhD program on Saturday. Also, Joel is arriving on Saturday. So far Todd hasn't had a problem with Joel like Jason did, so that is good. Joel will have a problem either way, but we will figure it out. I start classes on Monday. I am going to be a busy Pam.

How have you guys been doing? Oh, BTW, what is on your right side, lower abdomen? Appendix is on the left, right? (Kim, you should know the answer to that one.) Anyway, I have been having a sharp pain there for the last day and a half. It isn't unbearable, but I can definitely tell it is there. Just making sure that my internal organs aren't about to start bursting. That would make a good impression on my family.

Hugs. I miss all my friends. I am getting home sick a little bit. Since I am on vacation, no one is calling me which makes me a little sad. I like when people call me (even though I rarely answer my phone). Ra and Chiaroscuro, I miss you. Mommy will cuddle with you like crazy when she gets home! (I would be impressed if they are reading my blog.)

Three Hours Off

I woke up at 6:30 AM this morning and had a hard time getting back to sleep. I am getting sleepy now. I uploaded some pictures that we took so far. Click here.

Flying to the West Coast

I am leaving in the morning for San Francisco. I am excited and a little nervous. I am definitely tired!

I worked from home today. This evening Muhammed and I went over to help Bennett with his computer. We all ended up taking a ride on Bennett's boat across Lake Norman to Midtown for a bite to eat. I just got rhough packing. I am waiting for Muhammed to get back because he is going to crash on the couch and give me a ride to the airport in the morning.

Someone was talking about how people sometimes say they don't believe in God because they are mad at him. I was like that for a long time. I remember praying to God to protect me when I was a little kid, and I would blame him when the extremely bad things happened. I would think, well fine, I don't need you. And I don't need anyone else. I can take care of myself. I was much tougher when I was a kid than I am now.

And even though some God-awful things happened to me that no kid should ever have to go through, I realized that everything happened for a reason. I realized that God didn't make those things happen to me. And I realized how much of a better person I am now for having to survive through those things. So, what happened to me? Well, I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't just take care of myself. I couldn't push everyone away anymore. I couldn't fix anything without God's help. His grace has kept me alive. Believing in Him isn't my choice, I have to believe in Him or I am simply just not going to be able to make it. Before I had to put all my faith in myself. And truthfully, I didn't have much self-esteem at all. Now, I know it isn't up to me. I don't quite know all the details, but I know I am one of the smallest parts of the plan. I can't control much of anything. I can't control my own emotions sometimes much less the emotions of others. I can't tell you what is going to happen tomorrow. And, it isn't my job either. I would rather live a life of gratitude for what God has given me than live a life of self-glorification for the things I have given myself.

I might be intermittent updating my blog, but I am sure you will forgive me as I will have my laptop but possibly not access to fast speed Internet. What the heck am I going to do!?

Kenny, where are you? You need to call me back. Are you doing all right.

Andrew, Happy Birthday. Sorry I haven't called lately.

Pei, I will take a look at your resume and send it back to you in a week or so.

Ann, Jamie, and Stephie, I got your e-mails. I am doing well. I miss you.

Joel, I saw you called - sorry I am too sleepy to return your call right now.

Muhammed, your poems are beautiful. I worry much more so than the object in which you write.

Todd, sorry about the picture man. You keep bringing your camera to Charlotte but not taking evidence back with you that you were here.

God, thank you for my friends and family. I don't understand you, but it would be arrogant to believe that I could.

Good night.

The Voice of the People

Okay, so Todd is in the same place I was four months ago:

Plan: Don't date anyone exclusively right after moving to North Carolina.

However, I was told that holding to this plan is under debate. We aren't talking marriage here, just good old-fashioned going steady. You know, serial processing instead of parallel. So let's help him decide!

Todd



Age: 34
Height: 6'6''
Pets: Domi and Tie
Occupation: IT
Website: LLPOH








Pam



Age: 25
Height: 5'3.5''
Pets: Ra and Chiaroscuro
Occupation: IT
Website: PamSpam








So, is this a cute couple, or what? Think I am a good enough catch to not throw back?

Plans Shmlans . . .

Romancing the Pam

I spent some time thinking about the whole dating and romance thing. It gets harder as you get older and busier. I know it might be a little late, but I wanted to thank some of my ex-boyfriends for nice things they did for me.

Tom
~~~~~
Surprised me on Valentine's Day with 2 dozen roses and stuffed shells. He blind folded me and convinced his sister to let him borrow her apartment, which was a big deal to a 16 and 18 year old.

Came over when David and I broke up and read me to sleep with The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

Gave me kitty.

David
~~~~~
Surprised me by figuring out my locker combination and putting a dozen roses in it to surprise me.

Gave me bunny.

Jason
~~~~~
Bought me a bracelet and earrings

Drove from Lakelend to come see me in St. Pete

Ryan
~~~~~
Picked me up from work in the rain with no shoes, soaking wet, and a single rose

Left flowers and balloons in my class where I sat so I could find them on Valentine's Day

Wrote/sang me two love songs

Made the Pam on a Pedestal graphic (had to be there)

Picked me up from the airport with a sign that said something sweet

Wrote me an olde time-y letter

Kyle
~~~~~
Bought new pet tags for the cats

Jay
~~~~~
Left a trail of flowers from the drive way to the bedroom

Bought me Scuro and Ra earrings

Jim
~~~~~
Bought me a necklace with my Chinese zodiac

Sean
~~~~~
Brought me flowers on our first date

Bought me roses and surprised me with chicken marsala for dinner

Left sweet post-it notes on the refridgerator

Called me every day at work

Jason
~~~~~
Gave me an orange candle and a picture frame for my office

Put together my bookshelves and office shelves while I was out of town

~~~~~
Thanks guys for the sweet things you did for me. I hope you know that they didn't go unappreciated.


Some romantic things I have done:
- Went bug collecting with a bf who was interested in entomology
- Wrote sweet stuff in sidewalk chalk up to the apt door
- Bought an engraved Louisville Slugger
- Named a star
- Bought a PS and a PS2 (at different times)
- Threw a surprise birthday party
- Bought cards
- Made CD's
- Made photo collages
- Tied get well ballons on the car when he was at work
- Bought a Brother Bear
- Made dinner
- Planned a picnic on the beach
- Bought fish (Fire, Water, and Air)
- Treated his mom to lunch and a manicure
- Sent a singing telegram
- Sent balloons to work
- Made a scrap book
- Took him to Niagara Falls
- Gave a subscription to a computer magazine
- Gave warm oil massage
- Danced in the rain
- Filled a room full of balloons

Okay, that is enough of the gushy stuff. I figured since I brought on the whole age, religion, politics debates earlier in the week that I would write something softer. :-)

So, what are some more romantic ideas? What kind of romantic things do guys like? I think it is harder to figure out things to do for guys. What kind of romantic gestures have you made? I e-mailed the link to my blog to some of my female friends, so maybe we will hear from some of them soon.

People are Strange

It is amazing how different we all are. Not that long ago, I assumed that everyone was generally like me. You know, it won't be hard to find a guy to fall in love with, get along with, get married, and have babies. Wow, was I wrong.

Did you know that men and women were so different? And furthermore, guys are completely different than each other. It is crazy! I am way too much of a humanist to be studying computers. People fascinate me.

BTW, I was told that I kiss differently than most people. That perturbed me a little bit. Okay, out of the 15.5 guys I have kissed (EVER), the percentage that might hit my blog is about . . . say . . .

OMG, I just realized that I have actually only kissed 14.5 guys! (Unless I am forgetting one which is unlikely since I posted most of them on my website.) That is awesome. I like keeping my numbers low.

. . . anyway, back to the subject at hand . . . 45%, maybe we can have some input on this. I am self-conscious now. I am never going to kiss anyone else again! Okay, so maybe that is a little over dramatic.

Just hanging out at home tonight. I worked on the UNCC project a bit with Su (hehe, a Boy Named Su). And I have just puddled around on-line. I am too sleepy to be productive for anymore of the day.

Oh, I heard this today on the radio . . . hugs increase your positive hormones and help make you happier. Hugs to you!

Some Stuff

I believe in God

I see Jesus as God Incarnate, less as His Son

I think Bible is inspired by God but not the living word of God

We can't understand God

Drugs are bad

Premarital sex is a sin

Love is the most important thing EVER

Smokers shouldn't get government support for medical expenses other than prepaid health insurance

The increased sexual desensitization in society and media has contributed to the increase in sex crimes like child molestation and rape

Clinton should have resigned

It is wasteful to have so many Christmas trees for sale at Christmas

(running out of things to blog)

I like cheesy counseling/teeam building/communication exercises

A spouse who cheats on his/her wife/husband should only have rights to 10% of the couples' joint assets

The US is going to have problems as a result of exporting labor

We shouldn't have to spend the majority of our lives working

You shouldn't have kids if you don't have time or money to raise them

Schools should teach interpersonal/relationship skills

Men tend to desire respect while women tend to desire security

Homosexuals should be able to get married. Since a lot of marriages are no longer based on a union before the eyes of God, what is the difference?

There should be legal repercussions for having more than one abortion

People shouldn't be able to file bankruptcy so easily

If an engaged couple breaks up, she should give back the ring (that one's for you, Muhammed)

Don't lend your boyfriend/girlfriend money

I don't believe in affirmative action

I believe in punishing discrimination

I don't believe in casual sex

Kids shouldn't have computers in their bedrooms

We should not attack the beliefs of others unless they infringe upon our beliefs

Rainy Days and Mondays

It was pouring on the way home today. I got home and dried off. I lit some candles and put on Norah Jones. I have it good. I need to remember to be thankful.

I convinced Todd that he really wanted to visit Charlotte today so he is on his way. Muhammed and Kirk are pirating software. I was going to see if I could pick up a copy of SQL Server Developers edition. I have enterprise, but I am having problems creating a local instance of a database. You are supposed to be able to install MSDE as the local engine, but I keep getting error messages about not having the right updates. I gave up.

Muhammed suggested I should talk about politics next and see how many boats I can rock. I never really cared much about politics. This was the first year I ever voted. I voted for Bush. I am not even quite sure why. I know he is a Christian. Kerry seemd shady to me. Overall, I would say that I lean toward Republican.

Art and I had a huge fight about this. I said that welfare needed to be reformed, and we shouldn't give hand outs to people. He said that welfare is good, and we need it. He is one of those bleeding hearts who never had to worry about money himself. It seems like it makes him feel a sense of philanthropy by wanting to help people, but he separates himself from them. Almost puts himself above them like they need him. It is almost like Marie Antoinnette saying "let them eat cake."

Giving people money because they aren't working is a disincentive. Shoot, if I ended up making about as much living off the government as spending the time at home, I would do it. I don't think we should just abandon those who need help, but I believe that we should really HELP them. There is a saying about giving fish versus teaching someone how to fish, but I am not going to use that one since I dislike seafood.

I have been poor. I lived in a fifth wheel with my sister, mom, and mom's boyfriend. We threw our garbage in a pit in the yard. Going to Ryan's Steakhouse was a treat. We never took family vacations. We lived in a trailer with holes in the floor. I lived on my own my senior year of high school, and I worked at a Jiffy Lube because I could walk there from my apartment. My parents didn't pay a cent of my college education. I didn't have a car until I was 22. Don't get me wrong - I know that my mom did good keeping food (corned beef hash, macaroni and cheese, and ramen noodles - some of my favorites) on the table.

The point is that I worked my butt off to get where I am. I guess it makes it harder for me to have sympathy for others. I think most people have it in them to make it on their own. The government could help by subsidising education, providing low cost childcare, or creating programs to teach people how to save and invest money for the future. Teach people how to be self-sufficient.

I know it might sound a little harsh, but I think those who know me know that I would almost do anything for anyone. But I refuse to do something that would essentially hurt someone or just maintain the status quo. I like fixing problems not band-aiding them.

That is all the politics I have in me. This post reminds me of a conversation my friend Ann and I had. We are both fairly successful and independent women, and I think our experiences have formed similar viewpoints for us. Anyone over hearing our conversation would have probably thought we were pretty snooty. :-)

Lightning from the top of the clouds . . . Ah, Norah Jones. So soothing. I need to finish the help file for the UNCC project I am working on. Am I going to do that ot am I going to procrastinate until Todd gets here . . . hmmmm.

If We Weren't Crazy, We'd All Go Insane

I am in the mood to be cuddled. I have a very high cuddle quota. It is funny because that one anonymous commenter asked if my boyfriends had problems with my male friends. Well, you see, I am the type of person who doesn't need personal space. You won't ever hear me say, "I just need some time alone to think things over." So, I think my boyfriends have usually gotten to the point where they were like "thank God, she is hanging out with that other guy!"

At work, Brian called me a "tweener" because I was able to hang out with the guys moreso than the other women in the office. However, I am very female in some ways. I love romance. I love being in love. It is great when I am in a relationship where I can tell a person I love them and think about nice things to do for them without wondering if they would get weirded out by it. I am insecure like any other woman. I love talking about emotions. I have relationship books on my shelf just for the heck of it. I tend to date really tall guys because I like having the feeling of being small and safe.

I almost think the more independent you are as a woman, the more you have the need to feel taken care of. One reason is because it takes more for a guy to take care of you. If you know what you are doing, he has to know what the heck he is doing to add any value to your life. And you are so used to making all the decisions and taking care of everything that you just want someone to share that responsibility with sometimes.

I delight in the idiosyncrasies of my friends. I love when you can point out a flaw in someone and just say, but I love him/her anyway. I think it should be about acceptance. Generally, people are not going to improve until you accept them as they are. The more you try to change someone, the more defensive they become and rigid in their stance. Accept them for how they are, show them that you genuinely care, and maybe they will want to improve themselves.

Ra is meowing. Not sure why. I think he wants me to open the garage door. Yes, I know I have a cat door now, but I also have two very spoiled cats.

I get to see Todd on Wednesday. It is about time! It is a strange mixture of feelings. I am excited to see him. I feel closer to him than when he left since we have been talking on the phone and via IM pretty frequently. I don't know exactly where we are. Are we about to start dating? Are we still talking to other people? I don't even know if I accurately remember what he looks like. I will probably be shy the first hour or so I see him again. I am such a chick.

Anyhow, I am talking to Muhammed on the phone right now. His roommate broke her leg in the line of duty. I hope she gets better soon.

Here is a picture Muhammed took of me in a field for his photography class . . .

Splenda - Appended with Later in the Day . . .

Cinnamon rolls with Splenda? What is that!? I must've accidentally gotten the wrong can because I would never attempt to get healthier cinnamon rolls. I cooked them anyway. They were okay but more to be desired.

Went to church this morning. God is good! A reminder: He is my only master. I am not ruled by money, school, men, career, finances, friends, etc. And only by giving my heart to God will I be any good for any of the other things in my life.

I am sleepy. I have a low grade headache which I thought would have been taken care of by the diet coke I had (with Splenda). However, that didn't work.

Muhammed and I stained my curtain rods and dyed my curtains yesterday. The rods look good, but the curtains came out hot pink. I need to buy some more dye and try to salvage them. I really have fun hanging out with Muhammed. I was listening to him give advice on the male perspective to Amy last night, and I was really impressed by his level of maturity. He goofs around all the time, but he does have insight and can be reflective.

On the phone with Jess . . .

Okay, I just woke up from a nap. Wow, I wasn't very productive today.

I don't believe that any one of us will ever be able to explain or understand the complete plan and nature of God. So why should we waste our time telling others when we think they are wrong? We can only share with them what we believe. I am sure we are all wrong. Just as I am sure that there is probably something we all have right (mind you, something being different from one person to the next). I guess this is based firmly in my belief of the inadequacy of man. :-) I don't think science and God have to be mutually exclusive. What is the difference if I think Christianity is the only way if you believe that the way is simply death in the end? Would it really matter if I were wrong?

"Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind." -- Albert Einstein

I Come from the Past; I am the Future

I am confused and utterly lost
I wonder who I am and where I'm going...what I'll do and how I do it
I hear words and wonder if they are true; I hear a question and try to answer
I see before me a blurry path, one that's unsure; yet I choose to go on
I want to be someone that helps someone else and someone who can make a difference
I am confident and have my mind made up

I am strong, persistent, and motivated
I pretend I am happy when I am sad; pretend I am content, though I'm not
I feel responsible for those around me, guilty when I fail, and that I want so much more than what I'm given
I touch those around me with a gentle concern, considerate thought, or intellectual advice
I worry about my mother, my cat, my friends, my future, and my world I cry at old movies that have unhappy endings...where the boy doesn't get the girl
I am weak, emotional, and alone

I am nothing...nothing at all
I understand no one except myself, but have my own concept of the world around me
I say some things I wish I never said and kept others silent when I should have spoken
I dream of happy endings where every maiden gets her prince and everyone lives happily ever after
I try to be perfect, but it never quite works; I try my best and know it can be better
I hope one day my dreams come true, and I can honestly say
I am everything...everything I ever wanted to be


Pamela Karr, 1995

Dut, Da, Da, Da! Charge!

I'm going to write a poem and guess what?
This is it.
However, this poem, as I call it, will be...different.
(Uh oh!)
I'm not going to avoid ugly sounding words like...
snorkel!
belch!
and knuckle hair!
(Oh,my God!)
I'm going to end one of the lines with the unrhyming word...
orange.
(How awful!)
Everyone is happy!!!! How about that?
No meter am I showing, if you have noticed...
iambic, diambic, or pentameter.
none.
If you like, I might even point out that no one has
died,
been beaten,
raped,
heart broken,
alone,
in love,
in lust,
or has had sex.
So, it is probably being asked...
What is your point...
This is poetry isn't it?
Well, maybe that's the point.
I think, I'll end in the middle of a...

Pamela Karr - 10th Grade

From My Best Friend Dave

(He might not like me posting this, but I thought it was soo sweet.) I miss you Dave!

~~~

I'm sorry I didn't get to come up this week. Please understand how much I want to see you. Whichever job I get, planning starts Monday, so I'll be preparing this weekend. Coming up there was a matter of what I want to do versus what I should do. I miss you daily. You're always in my thoughts and often cause a smile. I love you so much. I keep up with your goings-on as often as I can on your blog. Despite the inevitable male tribulations in your life, it seems to me the Charlotte experience has been a good one for you. You seem to have a pleasant, if unique, work situation.
You have a gift for meeting new people, and of course, they adore you. You're so ideal, yet unaware of it. Your big heart, eye towards success, and attractive exterior are a compilation most lack. Since compatibility seems to be the only issue, you're far ahead of the rest of us. Love has already found you by those who know you best. Romantic love will come, on its own timetable, when it is right. I am making a trip to NC a priority and will come up when I am more able. I do miss you, every day. You are such a blessing. Every "fault" you have are endearing...we all have them, and I'd say you have far less than most. I'm sure you're busy, so I apologize for the lack of brevity, but gushing about Pam can be a lengthy proposition.

With all the love a boy can have for a girl, Dave

Waking up from my Nap

Teach my mind to inquire. I woke you guys up today, didn't I? Those were some nice visual responses. I just woke up from a nap. I couldn't get Bennett's computer to work. Argh. I am determined to get that thing running.

I'm in a cuddly mood. Ra, Scuro, and Job were available for nap cuddling, but I am still defficient. Yawn. I feel icky. Why do I feel icky.

Oh, I figured it out. Silly me, I have forgotten to eat today. I am going to dinner at 6 PM, but I guess the situation can still warrant a snack.

Okay, in light of today's activity, I am posting a picture of Muhammed, Todd, and I. (I'm the one shorter than 6'5''.)

Alone

From childhood's hour I have not been
As others were; I have not seen
As others saw; I could not bring
My passions from a common spring.
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow; I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone;
And all I loved, I loved alone.
Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
Of a most stormy life- was drawn
From every depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still:
From the torrent, or the fountain,
From the red cliff of the mountain,
From the sun that round me rolled
In its autumn tint of gold,
From the lightning in the sky
As it passed me flying by,
From the thunder and the storm,
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view.

-- Edgar Allan Poe

Seems a common trend for poetry posts these days. Thought I would jump on the band wagon. I'll even find one of my poems and post it later on. All my poetry was written in my depressed teenage years, so I will give you some time to prepare . . .

Why the Heck am I Awake?

Okay, I was up until 3 AM this morning, and for some reason I am not asleep right now. Went to see Wedding Crashers with Amy, Dominique, Kirk, and Jess. It was good but could have gone without some of the nakedness. What can I say, I am a prude. You guys should be used to that by now.

Amy was drunk dialing last night so I am sure she is not going to be too happy with herself in the morning. Should I have stopped something like that? See, I don't really have a good idea what it is like to be drunk, so I am not quite sure how to judge the whole impaired judgment thing. I will have to do some more research . . . on other subjects, not myself.

Going to get my car inspected today. What else? Fixing Bennett's computer, going to Concord Mills with Amy, dinner with friends, dying curtains, and staining curtain rods. Makes for a fun-filled day.

Okay, Kirk said that I should not discount possible relationships just because a guy is outside of my age range. My age range has been (ooh, let me use a formula):
Range(Min, Max) = (Pam's Age, Kim's Age)

And for the current point in time:
Range(Min, Max) = (Pam's Age, Kim's Age) = (25, 32)

So generically, we can say:
Pam's Age + Age Difference = Kim Age

So, using our current knowns:
25 + Age Difference = 32

Therefore (Where are those three dots in a triangle on a qwerty keyboard?):
Age Difference = 7

So,
Range(Min, Max) = (Pam's Age, Pam's Age + 7)

Sorry Kim, I had to get you out of the equation. I mean, this is all about me. ;-)

So, is 34 too old? Inquiring minds want to know . . .

Anonymous Work Stuff

Pam*: David said there is some kind of steering committee for such questions?

Chris: The committee has never really been formed.

David: I declare that WE are the committee...

Pam*: Oooh, ooh, can I be the senior contractor in the committee who represents all the contractors?

Chris: Yes but your opinion carries no weight.

Pam*: I'm just in it for the title.

David: Oh yeah...everyone on this email should be part of the committee except Pam*. I keed, I keed...I joke, I joke....)

Pam*: It would require less work to make the fields baseline and to update the databases. However, since my opinion carries no weight, let me know the final verdict from the committee, and I will do as it so wishes.

Chris: I agree with the silent contractor.

Another Friday - Thank God

Great anonymous post last night. To answer your question: Question for you - with seemingly so many guy friends in your life, does this cause issues with your boyfriends?

Well, yeah it has caused problems with some boyfriends in the past. However, most of my boyfriends caught on to the fact that I am insanely faithful when I am in a relationship. I remember Tom and stayed at our apartment when Ryan and I were living together in college. I thought it was pretty cool of Ryan to let him do that. You also have to remember that I am in a field that is predominantly male. I go out to lunch everyday with me and 5 guys. I rarely interact with another female while I am at work. The same is true for the programs in school which I have chosen to pursue. Since I am so used to hanging out with guys, I think it has made it harder for me to relate to women. I don't know though. My sister Kim and I have always been more the "guys' girls" than girly girls. Of course, she is in an interesting situation right now since most of their friends are gay men. Hey, best of both worlds!

Here is a picture of Tom and his fiancee. Aren't they cute? I am very happy for Tom. He needs a woman to make sure he doesn't get too cynical.

Wandering Aimlessly

It is really hard to be friends with most guys. Some guys, you can develop friendships. However, at a certain point most guys want more than a friendship. And if you don't want more than that, they think, well if she doesn't like me enough to date, then why should I be her friend? See, most girls have developed this system. Albeit, the system is flawed, but it does work for a little while. It is called rationing. You see, you can only hang out with those guy friends that you are worried about it getting to this point with sporadically. It can't become a consistent thing. The moment it becomes consistent, then he is going to want to cuddle . . . but if you wait a little bit longer than you would have otherwise desired, he gets mixed signals and decides to wait a little longer. Now, when I say mixed signals, it has nothing to do with what you ACTUALLY TELL HIM. Guys never hear the "we are just friends" when they don't want to. Anyway, that was just a tangent I decided to take.

In geometry, what is the definition of a tangent again? Isn't it a line on the perimeter of a circle that is parallel with the center. Or is it a line that is on the perimeter of a circle and at a right angle with aline though the radius/diameter? I just don't remember.

I am getting my hair cut in about half an hour, so I am going to get out of my PJ's now and be presentable.

Hugs,
Pam

Blog Shares?

I just found my blog on something called BlogShares. Evidently, my blog valuation is $1,275.02. Weird. What is that all about?

Postscript: I actually updated my website some. I added some new pictures.

Clear Obscure

Man, you guys are demanding. Two days without a post and the comments start coming in! Let's see. I didn't have time to post yesterday. I am supposed to work until 4:30 PM on Tuesdays, but I ended up working until about 6:30 PM. Then I remembered I had a meeting with Su (A boy named Su) at my house at 7 PM. So I hurried home. After Su and I met, Muhammed came over. We walked around UNCC campus for a while. We found an empty hallway in a building so he showed me some of his breakdancing moves. I have video . . . ! Then we went to Applebee's for a late night snack.

Today, I went to work like usual. Joel officially left the Marines today. He had a layover in Charlotte on his way to Gainesville, so I picked him up and went to lunch. It was great seeing him. He was in Afghanistan for the last 8 months. He gave me my Christmas present (a little late). It was a hand-made jade beaded necklace. Neato. After work, I picked up some prescriptions from the pharmacy. I actually had to buy denture cleaner because I couldn't find any retainer cleaner. (I feel so old!) I came home and cleaned up some. I am about to add some tasks into Outlook for things that I need to get done. I love being organized.

You know, I love people. Yesterday, I went to lunch with Robert at work. He is this nice little guy with three kids. Good Christian guy. He wanted someone to talk to about his recent on-line love experience. I was honored that he thought enough of me to share that with me. He is in my prayers. He deserves a nice woman.

It was neat talking to Muhammed last night. We are so different yet similar. I hope we never stop being friends. He makes me smile, and I like being a positive force in his life as well.

The yard guy is in the backyard trimming the something back there. I can see him from the office window. I think Amy is asleep. We take turns taking naps after getting home from work. I was going to get my hair cut today, but I think I will call around and see where I can make an appointment tomorrow.

I am not a flirt! Most of the time, I am pretty oblivious. I don't like assuming that a guy likes me. I can't figure out this whole dating thing. I guess God will work it out how it is supposed to happen . . . I mean, I have no chance getting it right on my own!

I need to start putting yoga and pilates classes back on my schedule. Maybe there will be classes that are convenient in the fall between classes . . . . hmmmm. I also told Muhammed he could come over, and I can teach hom some yoga so he can be more flexible for those breakdancing moves. Maybe we will do that on Saturdays. This Saturday, I am getting my car inspection and finishing up helping Bennett set up his computer.

I have talked to Todd (the kinda sorta guy I met that was mentioned a few days back) on the phone a few times. He is back in Texas right now taking care of moving business and visiting with his boys Tie and Domi. He said he might visit Charlotte in a week or so. I will be leaving for San Francisco on the 12th.

Dave said he might try coming up this weekend, but I won't know until tomorrow. He has an interview with PK Young, one of the schools in G'ville, tomorrow. Wish him luck because it is pretty convenient to his condo.

That's pretty much it for me.

Pam!

Pedro!

Well I was going to blog this, but hey I am a private and scared of the Internet. Blog it if you want.

Waterfalls...NOW..go go go!

I think at times you tend to be conditional (tit-4-tat), or overly logical sometimes taking things a bit personal. People are who they are. They accept or reject you at will. Don't take it too heart (something I struggle with everyday). You can't change someone. You can't mold someone. If you feel that you do, or find yourself in the process, it is probably time to move on. Surround yourself with positive people. Love yourself. Spending a little time with god never hurts :) God never presents a challenge you are unable to handle. Pray and most of all be patient (heh something I dearly need). I, like you, try to plan life, set milestones, deadlines.
Live life within a large project cycle. What I have learned from Jamie is the other part of life that is important. Simple. In the moment. Squeezing the joy from the most minuscule things. For me as I am sure with you, we are extremely critical on ourselves. We have at times issues with focusing on the positive aspects of ourselves (constantly for me) and you have many (kind, supportive, love to help others, intelligent, focused, driven) and tend to linger on our shortcomings, things we need to improve, things we have not started or things that we have not completed. Focus on the things you have done.
This is where your friends come in, your true friends. Not just the ones that are "nice'n'quaint" but the ones that can be positive as well as telling you that you are a dumb ass and hug you after. BTW, you are not a dumb ass, but I will send you a hug.

We love you.

--

Pedro De Jesus

Rejoining the Living

I left from work about 20 minutes early and went home, straight to bed. This weekend got my sleeping schedule completely out of whack. I woke up around 8 PM, and I am trying to figure out what to do with myself. I have some work that needs to be done for work that I said I would take a look at tonight. Su and I are meeting tomorrow so I should work some on that before he comes over.

Joel is flying out and leaving the military for good. He is actually flying through Charlotte on his way to Gainesville, so I am going to try to meet him at the airport for lunch on Wednesday. Dave said he is in Panama City right now and may be able to come visit me later in the week for a few days. I need to call Liz tonight because today is her birthday. Happy Birthday, Liz! Called Francis yesterday. He called me a few times a few days back. He is doing well. He closed on his townhouse. I may stay there when I go down for Pedro and Jamie's wedding.

So, I might have kinda met someone, but I probably won't get to see him again for three weeks or so. So does that count as meeting someone? I don't know how all that works. I should learn better than saying anything about guys on my blog - gets me in trouble. Mums the word.

So, let's talk about me! I felt very productive last week, but I think I am lulling a little this week. I finally got my new license plate. Now they tell me I have to get my car inspected! Jess has to get her car inspected too, so maybe we can make a chick event out of it.

I was told I need to remove my phone number and address from my website. It is great when people are over-protective. I feel all warm and fuzzy inside. (Sincerity, not sarcasm.) I am going to procrastinate for a bit. I don't feel like updating my website right now.

Amy and Dominique are outside playing basketball. I am sitting inside in boxer shorts. They are actually very large boxers, left over from four relationships removed. I really need to get my hair cut soon.

Everyone cross your fingers. Jess had an interview in North Charlotte today. We all want her to get the job so we can move her up with the rest of us. South Charlotte is just too far away.

Well, everything is sounding quite mundane today, so I am going to get going. Anything exciting going on with anyone else?

Hugs,
Pam

Lovers and Strangers

I am in a very pensive mood tonight. I am sleepy and my tummy kind of hurts. I napped entirely too long today and should already be in bed right now.

I am learning to love people as they are. I am appreciating people more for who they are instead of what I like about them. It is interesting to observe people and see why they do things. We all over compensate for something. We all have insecurities. We all can hate ourselves while always thinking we are better than everyone else. I mean, who can we understand if we can't understand ourselves?

Lately, I have actually found people more endearing when I see their weaknesses. I see how they deal with things. I see how they try. Apathy is the worst thing ever . . .

I need to go camping soon. I need to get away from civilization. I need to stare up at the night stars and see God. I need to clear my head. I need to get away from the glow of a computer screen.

I was me yesterday. That felt good. I could say things I felt and believed. I didn't have to try too hard. I didn't have to worry that I was going to make someone mad. I was around friends who have learned things specific to me. And who can smile because of what they have learned instead of frown. I like being me.

My thoughts are fragmented, and I am not really saying anything. I am curious what unfolds in the next few weeks.

Proverbs 21:21
He who pursues righteousness and love finds life, prosperity, and honor.

Bele Chere

Kirk, Muhammed, Todd, Mike, Wendy, Pete, Deanna, Chad, Tom and I met up/went to Ashville yesterday for the Bele Chere festival. (I feel like I might be missing someone . . . ?) Some of us left my house in the afternoon. We ate dinner at the Bier Garden, walked around the hippie festival, and went to the Blues Travelers' concert. I tried talking to an over zealous Christian evangelist who was crusading for Jesus Christ (yet ironically driving more people away than saving them), but as most zealots are, he did not listen.

I got home around 1:30 AM - 2 AM from Ashville, and Todd and I ended up talking until about 5 in the morning. He just moved to Winston-Salem from Texas. So, I was pretty much useless today. I took a crazy huge nap.

Things are going well. I have really good friends, and it feels good to be around them again. They make me feel good about myself. They are a good group of people.

Ack! My foot is asleep. Well, darn it.

I told work I would take a look at something over the weekend, so I am probably going to try to do that a little later tonight. I canceled my meeting with Su ad postponed it until later in the week. Amy has been cool about letting my random friends stay over. I really want to get out and see a movie with her or something soon.

Anyway, I better get going. I have some life to catch up on. So who was the anonymous person who said I was pretty darn nice? Well, thank you. :-)

To Each His Own

If someone thinks I am this horrible person, does it makes sense for me to stay in contact with them? Am I a horrible person? Some of you out there know me better than others.

It almost makes things easier when someone is mean to you. It makes it easier to discredit what they say and do. Sean left the way he did because he didn't want to seem like the bad guy. It was so hard to get over him because he treated me really well and then he was just . . . gone. It took me realizing that he wasn't being himself. He even said that. For a long time, I wanted to believe that I knew the real Sean, and he didn't. That didn't get me very far. It was easier once i could think, I love my Sean . . . but he doesn't exist. I can't make him exist. And no one else is getting him either.

I am trying to not let other people make me feel badly about myself. I try to remind myself that the only one I truly have to answer to is God. I desire to pursue his standard. He knows what is truly in my heart. If there is evil in my heart, He will find it. If there is good, He will find that too. I have to trust that any award that is given to me will be through God and not my own doing.

I am not going to say that I am the best Christian in the world. My mind is full of doubts. Linda Callahan, a Christian counselor and the wife of one of the associate pastors at the Family Church, comforted me with this verse:

But if You can do anything, have compassion on us and help us." 23 Then Jesus said to him, "'If You can?' Everything is possible to the one who believes." 24 Immediately the father of the boy cried out, "I do believe! Help my unbelief."

Help my disbelief. I take that as we can pray to God to help strengthen our faith when we are low on it. After all, Jesus is the author and perfector of our faith - not us.

I realize that I am a huge home-body. People ask me where I hang out in Charlotte, and I think . . . um, home. It is funny because when I do hang out with my friends, I always invite them over here or casually suggest somewhere that is half a mile from my house. Jessica still complains she hasn't seen the inside of my car. I do need to get out some more. I am never going to be a bar hopper or partier, but there are a lot of other things to do in Charlotte. I need to get to some waterfalls.

So, my friends have been called misfits and my house a circus. :-) Even so, I love my friends and my home. I wouldn't have it any other way.

The Thunder Rolls

It looks pretty scary outside. I think it is about to pour. I worked from home today. I had this one bug that was a really big pain to fix. It is a little harder when everyone works at home because it is hard to get ahold of anyone.

Whoa, I was going to write some more, but I think I need to unplug the laptop because of the lightning.

I'll be back on later.

Pam!

Sweet Release

I'm better now. Miraculously, a light came on. I don't need someone who puts me down. I don't need someone who yells at me. I don't need someone who doesn't trust or appreciate me. Even if I am messed up, someone who loved me wouldn't make me feel like I was. And it is pointless for me to mourn over a relationship that I can't look back on and find anything that made me feel special or loved. Usually, I find the good things and cling on to them. I am not going to do that this time. I focus on the positive things about that person I am giong to miss. But It just wasn't what I wanted. I usually feel rejected because I am not what the other person wants. In this case, I don't care. Even if I were what the other person wanted and I did think the world of that person, I wasn't having my needs or wants fulfilled.

I can't say I am getting the hang of this self esteem thing. I still need friends who are supportive and caring. I still sometimes feel like I deserve to be treated poorly. But I can logically deduce that nobody deserves to be treated poorly . . . no matter what. We all have value; we all have problems. It doesn't make sense to continually condemn one another.

I don't want to say that Lisa is right . . . She always emphasized focusing on the positive. In some ways I agree; however, I dislike being optimistic. I don't like thinking everything is going to work out okay if I don't see myself or someone else doing something to make sure that it is going to work out okay. It doesn't make sense to focus on problems all the time. It also doesn't make sense to ignore the problems. We need solutions.

Here are some solutions for myself:
1) I need to get to the gym. I have been feeling icky. I am still wearing size 2-4 pants, but I have gained about 8 pounds since I moved here.
2) I'm going to get my butt to church.
3) No matter who I meet, I am going to insist that I get to hang out with my friends and that they make an effort to get to know my friends.
4) I am going to make a conscious effort to compliment people and build them up.
5) I am going to stay calm.

Dave might come see me next week. He has some time off before starting his job. I think I am going to Ashville on Saturday with Jessica and Kirk.

Later,
Pam

Blah

Everyone is wiling to tell you exactly what is wrong with you but not be there to help you fix it. Someone is going to surprise me one day. God, I hope it will be soon.

Didn't get anything done this evening. I took a nap after work. I am going to head to bed after I write this. I feel myself getting depressed. It isn't as bad as I have been, but I definitely feel strained to feel like doing much of anything.

Count my blessings:
Scuro
Ra
Kenny
Joel
Dave
Ann
Liz
Muhammed
Tom
Pedro
Jamie
Melanie
Adam

Friends who know me for who I am and love me anyway.

Scummy Pond

I am so freaking impatient. I am always waiting for something to happen. I like change. I like having something that needs to be done. I like fixing problems. I like checking off things on my list. I like being needed. I need to be useful. I can't relax if there isn't a plan. I don't mind making contingency plans. I can be flexible. Most things I am easy about. Somethings, I can't negotiate. I have learned some good lessons from life. Others, I have yet to learn. I like taking action. I like being proactive. I like when people have initiative. I don't settle on okay. I believe in doing my best. I know nothing I do will redeem me. I know I can never be good enough. I am alive because of God's grace instead of my own accomplishments. I have a problem with authority. I like being respected and treated like an equal. I am outspoken. I will intervene in a friend's life if I think it is for their own good. I expect my friends to do the same. I believe in being solution oriented. I get depressed when people focus on problems. I like breaking things down to understandable bits. I like strategically solving things piece by piece. I strive to be more like Jesus. I seek humility, faith, love, hope, mercy, sacrifice, charity, and good qualities. I plan to change. I am not going to stay the same. I believe that I should always try to improve. I strive to have healthy communication with others. I believe that I should be thankful for what I have. I dislike bad things. They make me feel scared and uncomfortable. They make me feel like I am not safe. I don't like doing things by myself. I like sharing experiences with others. I like helping others. I enjoy when I can make others happy.

Just Me

I have officially completed the painting of my bedroom. It looks really good. I have to put some finishing touches, then I plan to post some pictures. I have to work on the UNCC project I am part of a little later on today. I don't feel like doing it right now.

I am sad what happened between Jason and I. I think he is a great guy. I just think he doesn't know what to do with me sometimes. We are extremely different which is good sometimes and bad others. I swear he thinks I am crazy. It is amazing how out of proportion things can get when you care about someone. It doesn't make any sense.

It is also amazing how different each relationship is. You never have the same problems twice. I mean, that would make it easier because you could have learned something from the last one. But, no, you encounter completely different issues that you, again, how no idea how to overcome.

I have decided to pretend Sean doesn't exist. I mean, my Sean doesn't exist at least. I guess I am glad that Jason isn't pretending to be someone he is not. I think that is what screwed me up the most was trusting in something and having it all taken away without warning . . .

I don't feel any harsh feelings toward him (Jason not Sean). I know that he probably does toward me. If he doesn't, he will call one day. If so, I would rather him not call until he gets over those feelings. We are both good people. We both could have done much worse.

Anyway, I don't want to focus on that too much. I am getting hungry, but I am back on my regular diet of eating a big lunch and hardly anything for dinner. My size 2 pants were a little too snug today.

I found the UNCC gym class schedule on-line today. I am excited about that. I need to try out some of their classes. Maybe I can get Kassie to come with me. I'm such a chicken. :-)

This is my daily e-mail Bible verse:

The Son of Man came to seek and to save what was lost.
--Luke 19:10

Lost. I can agree that without God, we are pretty much lost. Living is hard to do. Being happy is even harder. Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do. It seems like life is full of dichotomies - you ahve to lose your life to save it. You have to experience hate to know true love . . .etc. So confusing. I don't think I can and don't plan to try to figure it all out. Someone else has to be in charge because it is definitely not me.

Anyhow, I might watch a little television (no cable, baby!) and vege before tackling the work I need to get done.