I'm better now. Miraculously, a light came on. I don't need someone who puts me down. I don't need someone who yells at me. I don't need someone who doesn't trust or appreciate me. Even if I am messed up, someone who loved me wouldn't make me feel like I was. And it is pointless for me to mourn over a relationship that I can't look back on and find anything that made me feel special or loved. Usually, I find the good things and cling on to them. I am not going to do that this time. I focus on the positive things about that person I am giong to miss. But It just wasn't what I wanted. I usually feel rejected because I am not what the other person wants. In this case, I don't care. Even if I were what the other person wanted and I did think the world of that person, I wasn't having my needs or wants fulfilled.
I can't say I am getting the hang of this self esteem thing. I still need friends who are supportive and caring. I still sometimes feel like I deserve to be treated poorly. But I can logically deduce that nobody deserves to be treated poorly . . . no matter what. We all have value; we all have problems. It doesn't make sense to continually condemn one another.
I don't want to say that Lisa is right . . . She always emphasized focusing on the positive. In some ways I agree; however, I dislike being optimistic. I don't like thinking everything is going to work out okay if I don't see myself or someone else doing something to make sure that it is going to work out okay. It doesn't make sense to focus on problems all the time. It also doesn't make sense to ignore the problems. We need solutions.
Here are some solutions for myself:
1) I need to get to the gym. I have been feeling icky. I am still wearing size 2-4 pants, but I have gained about 8 pounds since I moved here.
2) I'm going to get my butt to church.
3) No matter who I meet, I am going to insist that I get to hang out with my friends and that they make an effort to get to know my friends.
4) I am going to make a conscious effort to compliment people and build them up.
5) I am going to stay calm.
Dave might come see me next week. He has some time off before starting his job. I think I am going to Ashville on Saturday with Jessica and Kirk.
Later,
Pam
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This is Pam's Blog. Just random thoughts, nothing too profound. Friends are welcome.
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8 comments:
"Hip Hip Hooray, Hip Hip Hooray, Hip Hip Hooray!"
Oh and you should probably add this to your list:
6) Cook more food and give to your friends.
7) Get at least 27 hugs a day, Its a scientific fact. (I think cats count too!)
Hey Pam, read "the four agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz,
I promise it will make you see things better and change you for the better :)
Pete
They have no clue what I have seen.
I love anonymous cowards. I assume your defensive posture means you're the yeller. Regardless of what someone's seen, verbal abuse isn't a reasonable response. You control what you do, AC, and don't look here for sympathy or justification.
I think I know Pam pretty well (that probably goes for most readers of this blog), and we all know she doesn't have to take any shit from you, and she certainly doesn't deserve to. I don't know why you're even bothering to comment, there's nothing you can gain here. I'm confident that know Pam far better than you do, and if you can't see why the rest of us love and care for this woman, then please remove this site from your bookmarks, and stop yapping on about "what I have seen".
*Ahem*
Pam, I totally agree with you on the positive thinking. It's really hard to swallow at first, but the best part is you don't need to really beleive in it for it to work. You're an empiricist, run some tests and I'm sure you'll figure it out.
King Ryan,
Wow! You are quick to judge people you don't know. Keep teaching Pam those good habits. Some friend you are. I wonder why you and Pam are not together. Gastonia is just down the road, buddy.
Hey Pam!
Sorry things didn't work out for you and Jason. I felt like I needed to defend my buddy since everyone on here has past false judgement on him.
Good luck and God bless.
First of all, Ryan and I were together for 2 and a half years so we know each other really well. The reason we broke up was more my fault than his, and I would never fault him for sticking up for me when someone is purposely trying to be hurtful toward me. James, I think you are a great guy and a great influence on Jason. I am glad he has a friend like you, and I am glad I have a friend like Ryan. Jason had a girlfriend who loved him and wanted to work things out. Albeit not a perfect girlfriend, but sincere. He decided that I wasn't what he wanted, so I think he should just wish me luck in finding someone who does want me instead of trying to add insult to injury by making it sound like I am not worthy of finding someone else who could love and understand me in the long run. Let's move on . . .
Hello Pam. First of all, I don't think Jason has even been on this site in awhile. Your blog makes him about to be the devil. He would clear the air if he had read some of this. We both know he's not a devil. I don't think he's keeping you from doing anything. From talking to him, I think he has moved on and it sounds like you are ready to do the same thing.
I understand how you would take up for Ryan, having dated him for over 2 years. I have known Jason for over 15 years. I think it's safe to say I know the way he thinks. Once it is over, it's over. Trust me. He will not bother you. He is just that way.
The point behind my first comment was to call out Ryan. He assumes Jason left the anonymous comment. I know he did not. Then he judges a person he has no clue about. I've seen Jason mad before. He does not have to yell. That should be proof enough that he hasn't read this. He would have addressed the situation in a different manner than I did. As for you King Ryan, your judgement will come. It may be in the form of a yell.
Thanks for the kind words, Pam. I'm sure you have a bright future ahead of you. Take care and God bless.
James, You are sweet, and it is nice that you care enough about me to be nice even when Jason and I didn't work out. I know he did go to my blog recently. I know that he has yelled at me. I know that he is a good person. I know anything inappropriate he has said to me is because he is hurt. I know that it still doesn't make me feel any better to hear those things. I'm not one of those, it's over then it is over people. And maybe that is why the whole thing bothered (past tense) me.
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