Ooh, that was mean, wasn't it? I am really not trying to be mean, but sometimes I feel like I have to censor myself because I don't want anyone to think badly of me. I am tired of always trying to hide things that are less appropriate to say. I know that a professional type person might come across my blog which may not be the best thing for my career. But here is the thing - I am human. They are human. We are all human. Some of us just show it more than others.
I tend to get more depressed when I am stressed. I have been stressed lately. It isn't about one thing or another - probably just a compilation of things. Sometimes I have a hard time saying no to things so I have less time for myself than I need to take. I think I have been upset with myself more than anything lately. 1) I am gaining weight. I need to lose about 5 pounds. 2) I have neglected going to church. 3) I can seem to find places where I can actually get more free time 4) My actions have not been inline with my beliefs.
In general, when I logically think about it, I am really proud of myself. I have accomplished a whole heck of a lot. However, more importantly, I have found the need for God and to seek good. Sometimes my logical and emotional reactions are different than each other. One tends to place more emphasis on the emotions they feel even if they aren't accurate. Geez, that is annoying. Hmm. I must do some research . . .
Survivors differ in their responses to assault/abuse. The long-term effects may be influenced by the severity of the assault, the survivor's existing coping skills, and the support the person has afterwards. Nevertheless, the following responses are experienced by many survivors:
- A survivor's self-esteem often diminishes after an assault or abuse. Frequently she feels shamed, humiliated, guilty, angry, and powerless.
- A survivor's attitude toward her body may be negatively affected. This change may lead to self-abuse (e.g., alcohol abuse, overeating, self-mutilation, etc.).
- A survivor may find it difficult to trust and to be intimate with others.
- A survivor may not want sexual intimacy for some time or may engage in risky sexual behaviors.
- A survivor may experience flashbacks of the incident.
- A survivor may experience fear of being alone and fear of a future attack.
- A survivor may experience nightmares or other sleep disturbances.
- A survivor may not be able to concentrate and focus. This can affect academic and/or job performance.
- There are many emotional problems emerging from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias, avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding and more. The denial system that insured her survival as a child now prevents the survivor from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood.
- Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my father ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation. She believes if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love.
Feeling: I have to be perfect to be loved. If there is anything wrong with me, people won't love me.
Truth: I am pretty awesome. I have issues, but so does everyone else. Most importantly, I have the desire to improve, learn, and change.
Feeling: Sex equates to love.
Truth: Yeah, sex with the person you love is a great thing. However, it can be just sex for some people. Sex will never make someone love me so I should never try to please someone sexually so that they will treat me well.
Feeling: I am fat.
Truth: I am fairly proportionate. There are other women who weigh less than me and wear larger sizes than I do that I think are skinny.
Feeling: I am always wrong.
Truth: No one is always wrong. It is okay if I make mistakes. It is okay if I assert myself. It is okay for me to protect myself. I shouldn't think that everything derogatory that is said about me is true while discounting anything good that has been said. I don't need other people to confirm that I am doing the right thing. I can have confidence in my own decisions. I have proven my abilities as well as anyone else.
Feeling: I have to pretend to be someone I am not and hide my thoughts and feelings in order to seem normal.
Truth: First of all, I have never been great at doing this (hence the blog you are currently reading). Second, the right people will be able to weigh through all the stuff that is me to see my worth. If they can't see it, then why worry about them? It is okay that other people choose to keep things to themselves. It is their way of dealing with their stuff. If I try to do something similar, I end up not being me.
Okay, no wait - I was about to apologize for everything I just wrote. Man, I have to stop doing that. I have this inherent fear that I am always going to get in trouble. Must stop doing that. Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so. However, if I am please feel free to discuss.
I am happy being me. I am so completely Pam. I am going whitewater rafting tomorrow. That will be good for my soul. I need to get out of the house for a little while. Things are getting better. I don't feel as much stress about Joel now that he can get around freely. Ra seems to be healing up nicely. I have this frolicky temptation to do something silly like dance naked in the rain. I can say I have done it once, but I guess there are two problems with that - one, it isn't raining. Two, I am much too modest these days. Instead, I will cuddle with a cat.
4 comments:
Pam,
You are beautiful. What you see as flaws are part of you, nobody ever has been nor ever will be perfect. You do not need to be perfect to be loved. Those of us who love you have come to accept everything we know about you, and we know that you have done the same for us. I wish that you could see yourself through our eyes just once, maybe then you might realize how amazing you really are.
Oh, and if you ever feel like frolicking again, let me know. We have a garden hose, I can make it rain even if the sun is shining. ;-P
Be logical when using logic.
Be nice when providing criticism. :-(
Advice and criticism are two different things. By the way, it is human nature to feel "yucky" about your weight. You are human, right? Get over it. Go for a walk. Think about how good you've got it. Another by the way, I would like to frolick. Call me. No one will have to know. :)
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