2011 Goals Update

• Defend my dissertation proposal - Set for May 5th (Cinco de Mayo!)
  
• Lose 10-15 pounds - Yeah, not so much . . .
  
• Get Scuro down to 14 pounds - Same here. She is a steady 15.5
  
• No more surgeries - So far so good!
  
• Finish the master bathroom (for Mike - yes, I can make goals for him too) - Mostly done!
  
• Increase tithing to $300/month (not including Christmas tithing) - Up to $250/mo
  
• Finish Chapter 4 of my dissertation - Done!
  
• Submit something to a conference or journal that gets accepted (fuzzy goal) - Done (1 paper to CHI workshop, 2 to AMCIS, and 1 to CTS Doctoral Consortium!)
  
• Spend more time with and make closer friends - So far so good!
  
• Start trying to get pregnant (later in the year. Might negate 2nd goal.) - Off BC, but not officially trying yet

So, overall, the year is looking pretty good so far. It has been busy and hectic, but not painfully so. After the last few years of medical problems and what not, things are looking up! Thank God! :-)

2011 Goals

• Defend my dissertation proposal
• Lose 10-15 pounds
• Get Scuro down to 14 pounds
• No more surgeries
• Finish the master bathroom (for Mike - yes, I can make goals for him too)
• Increase tithing to $300/month (not including Christmas tithing)
• Finish Chapter 4 of my dissertation
  
• Submit something to a conference or journal that gets accepted (fuzzy goal)
• Spend more time with and make closer friends
• Start trying to get pregnant (later in the year. Might negate 2nd goal.)

Pam's Back

Not back as in "back in business," but just a general update on my back. I underwent surgery for a L5-S1 back herniation on 8/3/2010 (yes, 5 days before our 2 year anniversary). It was a tough decision to make, but after a year, the second MRI looked the same as the first. I even consulted my chiropractor who believes that surgery is never the answer, and he said I should go for it.

They said that the surgery should take about 45 minutes, but mine took about 2 1/2 hours. Thank God, I have no recollection of any of it, but it did leave Mike starving and nervous in the waiting room. The doctor told us that it was an extremely large herniation that looked pretty old - as in the scar tissue had healed around the herniation where it punctured the membrane. In addition, the herniated disc had fused itself to my nerve so he had to separate the two. He told us that I am at a higher risk for reherniation since since the herniation was so large - meaning the hole in the membrane was bigger than normal. He advised me to take it easy so that scar tissue could form over the membrane.

So, I have been in bed watching TV for most of the time since surgery. Don't ask me how many Law and Order SVU or Royal Pains or House or NCIS marathons I have watched. I have also been heavily medicated with hydrocodone, muscle relaxers, and anti-inflammatories. Trips out have consisted of searching for back accessories - such as a rolling backpack for my laptop, L-shaped back pillows, comfortable shoes, and I have even broken down against my fear of needles to go to my friend Tom for acupunture.

I can't really say how well I am healing yet. The first day, my leg was really tight (my calf felt like a constant Charlie Horse). The second day I had crazy muscle spasms (which Tom's acupunture and suggestion to drink Pedialite seemed to remedy). The third day my whole back around my incision felt like a big bruise . . . that reminded me of poor Ra when I had to get his tail amputated . . . he had a huge bruise on his little stub. The fourth day through now, I don't quite remember all the details, but the bag of symptoms include nausea, blurry vision, leg pain, hives (don't ask me how that one fits in), and foot numbness. Overall, I can't complain EXCEPT I seem to have lost some muscle strength in my right calf that gives me a definitive limp and nearly prevents me from walking down stairs. It is like - pretend you are doing "toe-up" exercises to strengthen your calves. Well, I can't even get my right foot off the ground no matter how hard I could try. Left foot, no problems.

So, I was a little depressed today second guessing my decision to go through surgery. I am just frustrated with not knowing the right answers or finding or even knowing who and how they can help. Maybe I am a little vain, but walking with a limp and the thought of my right leg atrophying seems worse then constant pain in my hips and consistent sciatica. At first out of surgery, I had a positive outlook. From what he found in there, there was no way that disc was going to heal on its own over time. However, I am praying that the muscle weakness will go away as my nerve heals, but I am scared that it might not.

Part of me is kicking myself for not addressing the problem sooner. I probably herniated the disc in 2005 when I was moving to Charlotte. That is when my back first started going out. It became chronic pain after I was hospitalized with colitis in 2009. At that time, I tried physical therapy, steriod epidurals, anti-inflamatories, etc. I just got tired of all the doctors and nothing helping. Besides, Mike was seeing twice as many doctors as he was only recently diagnosed with CVID a few months ago. His condition was more serious than mine, so at $20 a pop (minimum for co-pay and not even to mention all the lab tests), I took a hiatus from seeing doctors. I don't regret that.

I swear that our health insurance company would be better off taking the risk of hiring a hit man than paying our medical bills. They have been trying any way they can to deny having to pay for Mike's treatments that cost $6,000 a month. Luckily, Mike fixed the problem when they dropped him. Now they want him to switch to a different distributor. Hopefully, that won't cause more problems.

So far, CVID is the best diagnosis we have gotten for Mike. It feels like progress that he at least has a treatment now even if it is insanely expensive. We have seen moderate results. He hasn't been getting sick as often from bacterial infections like sinus infections, etc. His myoclonic jerks have gone away along with the headaches. Thanks God. However, his lymph-nodes have been hurting him which is cause for concern because of the correlation between CVID and certain types of Cancer. He went to talk to a surgeon this week, and they are talking about doing surgery to biopsy one of his lymph-nodes. We are back and forth, "oh, maybe it is nothing," but ultimately, I think he needs to get the test done because if it is a type of Cancer early detection is very important.

Mike is stressed by work, but he can't really leave because he can't afford to lose health insurance with all this stuff going on. He has been doing a great job at work this quarter pushing deals through. He got a decent commission check, and I am proud of him. His project right now is re-doing the master bathroom. At first, it was because of a potential mold problem. Then we realized that the mold problem wasn't as bad as first anticipated (after spending $400 on air quality testing). Now, I think it is just his pet project. He has already teared out the closet walls and has kept things remarkably tidy. Yet construction has been halted with everything going on recently. It's okay, I couldn't fit most of the clothes in the closet anyway. :-)

This is going to be a busy semester for me. I am slated to defend my proposal this semester. One Godsend is that I have changed topics from the evil Geoviz to looking at how people set interpersonal boundaries within their online social networks. My advisors have looked out for me as far as funding goes, and I am also very thankful for that. I will be teaching two sections of web application development at UNCC this fall. I will have about 60 students total. I have been working on developing the curriculum and the class schedule this week. However, I have to be careful because sitting up is the worst possible thing for my back recovery right now. I have been looking at zero gravity recliners and kneeling chairs at Relax the Back, but man are they expensive! We bought a laptop pillow desk thingy which is what I am using to type this blog from bed as we speak. I have affectionately named my new bed pillow "Ellie." (aka the L-shaped pillow)

On a more positive note, we had a great trip to Alaska which was kind of our anniversary present to ourselves. At first, I was bummed because the cruise-line kind of sucked and it was foggy. But things cleared up, we saw whales, went mushing, and things looked up from there. We also joined a small group at our church and have met some new friends. Overall, I can't complain because Mike and I have many friends here in Charlotte and scattered all over the place. We aren't the most social people in the world, but we do cherish our friendships. The Fergusons next door are a really nice older couple to check in on us pretty regularly. Larry brought over some chicken casserole and peach cobbler. He also left a pair of waders by the front door which in some people's lives would seem strange. Of course, we have an explanation. We helped him go to a Buddhist monastery to get lotuses and plant them in the pond. Well, after two months, we all realized that lotuses were pretty invasive so Mike had to pull them back up and replant them in big garbage cans. Duck raising (sometimes chasing via kayak) and pond maintenance, just another normal day. :-)

Scuro, Ru, and Carrera are doing well. We have mice and ants living in the garage so Scuro's food is on the dining room table. Shoot, we never even eat at the dining room table. She is the fancy, spoiled kitty, but well-deserved. She just turned 12 years old this month. Alas, they discontinued her favorite bobble. We tried a few different replacement bobbles, but she has been impervious (is that the right word?) to our attempts.

Okay, I have started doing a William Faulkner stream of consciousness here so maybe my meds are kicking in. See what happens when I am stuck at home and made to rest? I haven't blogged in ages. Eh, blogs are out and micro-blogging is in. No wonder we are all ADD these days. I will drink my Pedialax (Pedialite + Miralax, Mmmm mmm), and probably watch some tv, listen to a relaxing hypnosis CD (but not whilst driving), get mashed by the Scuro, and drift to sleep. Good night. Sweet dreams.

Lent 21 Days before Easter

Okay, we just watched the Fast Forward for Lent (Mike laughed at me when I thought it was spelled Lint) from our church Meck. We are trying to decide what we will give up for 21 days to glory God. So, here is what we are coming up with:

1) No television except music channels (not MTV). Mike thinks it was a sign that our Logitech Harmony remote was dropped and broken by our cleaning people. The one caveat Mike wanted to add was if there was some kind of emergency happening we could watch the news. One other stipulation I will add is no TV streaming from the Internet either. That includes YouTube.

2) Pray before every meal. This is something I have always wanted to do but have been really bad at especially in public because it feels kind of embarrassing. So, since it is hard, it needs to be added to our list.

3) Table salt. Mike couldn't give up salt "as an ingredient" since he HAS to follow every recipe to the tee. So we compromised on giving up any additional added salt.

Okay, so that sounds like a start!

It's me again!

Yeah, yeah, I know I haven't blogged in a while. We have been busy! We had Christmas with Mike's Mom and Michele then headed down to Florida to see Mom, Watson, Lisa, Steve, and the kids. In January, we went to San Fransisco for a week as Mike had a business meeting/training he had to attend. We were also able to spend time with his Dad, Julie, and most of my relatives. Our New Year's Resolution is to take a vacation this year just us - we love our families, but we need some Pam and Mike time too!

Mike's job is going fairly well. They reorged last year and stressed us all out, then they reorged again this year and stressed us out some more. On the health front, we may have found out one of Mike's biggest reasons for getting sick all the time. He has low immunoglobulins which reduces his ability to fight infections. His doctor has sent out a whole bunch of tests, but thinks it is probably CVID (Common variable immunodeficiency). Not quite sure what that is all about, but evidentally it is pretty serious, and he may have to get a really expensive treatment something to do with blood or plasma replacement. At this point, we are still waiting for all the tests to come back.

I am a little over booked this semester, but the upside is that I am feeling much healthier to be able to be productive. If you've kept up, last July I was hospitalized with Ulcerative colitis and a herniated disc. My colon has been doing just fine, and my disc is doing better. My back still isn't where I want it to be, but it isn't constant agony which is a plus. So this semester, I am trying to determine my proposal topic, doing geovisual analysis to hopefully get a paper written on the gabs of data we have collected, creating a application assurance website as a research/teaching assistantship for our department chair, teaching a web authoring and scripting class at ITT-Tech, serving on the HOA Board, attempting to get more plugged-in at church, working on other "stuff," and generally trying to get back in the swing of things.

And about pets. I am still missing Ra very much and cry pretty much every time I think of him. Ru and Carrera just had their annual vet appointments and everything came back clean. Yay, no worms! Scuro is doing well even though she is approaching twelve. We switched her from Iams to Wellness Core which is on of the premium, protein rich, no grains cat foods that are supposed to be the best for cats as they are carnivores not omnivores. Oh and Twerp! He - I guess I should say she now - is the duck about town. Charlene informed me last week that Twerp has a nest of eggs. So that might mean more snapping turtle catching for us this spring.

Seems like my family is doing well. Mike's mom recently lost over 30 pounds. Mom quit smoking, and Watson is trying. Kim is getting her second book published. All the nieces and nephews are healthy and as much trouble as ever. Michele is engaged and plans to get married this year.

No babies here yet. I know we originally said we were maybe going to start "trying" this year, but we have decided that I need to get my PhD done, and we need to work on some of the pending health issues. Besides, I haven't finished reading "What to Expect Before You are Expecting."

Fun news. Mike decided me wanted a Kindle for his birthday. He got it today and is already going download happy. It's cute really. I finally got a laptop that fits me. It took three tries, so I named it Charm. He is a Sony Vaio.

Okay, and that is my update until next time. Love you guys!

Pamela

SIR PHILIP SIDNEY, Arcadia, 16th Century

PAMELA'S PRAYER

‘0 all seeing Light, and eternal Life of all things, to whom nothing is either so great that it may resist, or so small that it is contemned; look upon my misery with thine eye of mercy, and let thine infinite power vouchsafe to limit out some proportion of deliverance unto me, as to thee shall seem most convenient. Let not injury, 0 Lord, triumph over me, and let my faults by thy hand be corrected, and make not mine enemy the minister of thy justice. But yet, 0 Lord, if, in thy wisdom, this be the aptest chastisement for my inexcusable folly; if this low bondage be fittest for my over high desires; and the pride of my not enough humble heart be thus to be broken, 0 Lord, I yield unto thy will, and joyfully embrace what sorrow thou wilt have me suffer. Only thus much let me crave of thee let my craving, 0 Lord, be accepted of thee, since even that proceeds from thee let me crave (even by the noblest title which in my great affliction I may give myself, that I am thy creature; and by thy goodness, which is thyself) that thou wilt suffer some beams of thy majesty to shine into my mind, that it may still depend confidently on thee. Let calamity be the exercise, but not the over-throw of my virtue: let their power prevail, but prevail not to destruction. Let my greatness be their prey; let my pain be the sweetness of their revenge; let them (if so seem good unto thee) vex me with more and more punishment. But, 0 Lord, let never their wickedness have such a hand, but that I may carry a pure mind in a pure body.'

Time

While time is elusive, we all seem to think that others can have more or less of it than we do. Untrue. Each and every one of us have the same exact amount of time in a day. The difference is where we choose to spend it. Dr. Herbert Simon called it "the scarcity of attention." There are a multitude of things that warrant our attention, and we choose, sometimes unconsciously and unwisely, how to allocated our attention. There is no such thing as "I don't have time." Simply, you just don't think that that particular activity is as important as the ones already consuming your time.

The problems start when we waste our time by giving it to activities where we are overworked and under appreciated. Or when we let pressure from others influence how we spend our time. Time is a finite resource that cannot be bought back. Like money, you cannot regain sunk costs, guarantee return on investment, and must analyze opportunity costs. Even though less tangible than dollars, the risk is much higher for mismanagement, but the reward is much greater when invested wisely.

On another note, never trivial someone else's time by saying they must have a lot of "free time." There is no such thing as free time. Time is one of the most important things we have, and just because someone doesn't have kids, works part-time, spends a lot of time playing video games, or whatever, their time is just as valuable as yours.

What I am Most Thankful For . . .

My Husband . . .

"You owned my heart then and still today. Everyday you amaze me with your ability to plan for the future and you love for me and others. I am proud to be your husband and you should be proud to be such a wonderful wife.

I Love You!
Mike"

All I Want for Christmas . . .

1) For the doctors to be able to help treat our chronic health problems successfully.
2) For Scuro, Ru, and Carerra to be happy and healthy.
3) To find another couple in Charlotte who considers us their "best friends."
4) To have the respect of my colleagues, peers, friends, and family.
5) To positively impact the lives of others. And to know it.
6) To find more of a role for us in our church home.
7) To see my mother-in-law make more friends and enjoy fellowship with them.
8) For my mom and Watson to be healthy. For Mom to see Max as often as possible. And for her to be around to see our sons or daughters grow up.
9) For us to be prepared to be parents.
10) Encouragement and praise from mentors and superiors.
11) For Mike to have a job where he feels appreciated and has the respect to be able to make decisions that affect his career.
12) For more people to find jobs and the economy to turn up.
13) For there to be more compromise and less political divisions in our nation.
14) To be good friends with my sister-in-law.
15) For my Compassion Child Abigail to learn the skills she needs to help bring her family out of poverty.
16) For my family to heal from the abuse of the past and want to find the time to spend more time together.
17) To see our neighborhood become healthier and safer.
18) To find the perfect dissertation topic for me - where I can be successful.
19) To lose weight. About 30 pounds.
20) To find ways to appreciate Mike more and show him how much I love him.
21) For our friends to know to come to us if they need help. To have friends we can go to for help. Real help, not cup-of-sugar kind of help.
22) To get to know my father-in-law and his wife better.
23) For my relatives to know more about me and me more about them.
24) For people to give one another the benefit of the doubt and to build one another up instead of tearing one another down.
25) To have the strength to not become apathetic and bitter. The strength to always lead with love and compassion.
26) To set healthy boundaries for myself and my family so that they always come first.
27) To remember to pray for those who hold ill will toward me and to never seek revenge.
28) For Jesus to be undeniably real to me and my family.
29) To be more grateful, content, and joyful. To feel appreciated and loved.
30) For my priorities to represent God's will, not my own.

So if anyone can give me any of these things for Christmas, I would be eternally in your debt. :-)

My Ra

God, please take care of Ra

Ra

April 1, 2000 - November 22, 2009

Ra was the best little orange cat in the world. He never did anything wrong or out of spite. He loved everyone unconditionally. His purr was like an old car starting on a cold morning. He was bright orange with handsome tribal markings. His fur was like memory foam; you could leave your hand print in it. He quit his tail a few years back to boast a silly little stub that better suit his personality. He snored loudly at night. He liked to sleep in the laundry basket in the closet so combined with the snoring, he fondly became known as our "closet monster." He also liked to sleep between Daddy's feet. He was our "little head," "Buddy Buddy," and as Pedro says, our "tailless wonder." He wasn't just a cat to us. He was and will always be part of our family. He had no cadence to his walk. He just went pad-padpad-padpadpad-padpad-pad in a kind of lopey fashion. His head was always too small for his little body. My "little head." He always wore a little heart for his tag which somehow he managed to use to get stuck to the carpet. I think the best thing about him is that when you looked at him, you could tell that he had already reached that level of blissfulness that you and I are always trying to find. Most of the time, it was like he just didn't have a care in the world. He was a lover, not a fighter. He would let his sister beat him up then he would go and bathe her head. He was always submissive and loving - taking no quarrel with anyone and on his back exposing his tummy in a second. I respected his persistence and resiliency. He never got mad at you and always came when welcomed back on your lap.
He kissed you like a tootsie roll pop . . . lick one, lick two, chomp! He would do completely silly things like get stuck on top of the door, lay on top of the silly putty on the table, and roll on the counter after you just cleaned it with Windex. One time he slinked up to the vacuum cleaner, batted it, hissed, and ran. So silly and sweet. His constant grooming and licking habit led to the loss of his tail, but he didn't mind that one bit. It was his constant search for Ambrosia, and God, please now that you have him, let him find it. His favorite blanket was the green one. His favorite color has always been hot pink. He was fancy that way. He always let us know when the water bowl was emtpy and especially the food bowl. It was like he was the eternal kitten. Scuro has this cat-like mischievousness to her that Ra never had. He always just had . . . an innocence. He greeted new guests by waking them up in the middle of the night, flat dab laying on the middle of their chests. He was such a purr-head. He was nine years old, and we thought we would have more time with him.



God, if animals don't have souls it must be because they are already your angels. Take him home. Pet him. He likes his chin and tummy rubbed. He likes to sit on your lap when you are typing at the computer or on the toilet. He loves talking on conference calls and hates closed doors. Keep a closet ajar somewhere just so he can sneak in and lay among the blankets. He isn't the smartest cat in the world, but he is the sweetest. Yeah, sometimes he can be really stinky. It is like he is baking soda and soaks up the smells from the litter box. Let him know you are behind him, but don't sneak up on him because it makes him jump. What else? He likes sitting in his porn star pose and licking his belly so give him a wall to lean on on occasion. I think it was his way of making sure everyone laughs. He doesn't get over-cuddled and needs lots of attention. He needs hugs and kisses every day. All the other animals might bully him, so keep him protected. He has loved me more and better than most humans have. He and Scuro have been by my side longer and closer than any man or any human friend. He happily went though all the hell I've been through just so he could take care of me. Make sure he isn't alone. Amen, amen, amen.

We don't know what happened. He yelped, and Mike pulled him out from under the bed. His tongue was out and he was fading. Within minutes, he was just gone. We rushed to the emergency vet. When the vet brought him back out to us tonight, they had wrapped him in a towel, and it was his favorite color - pink.

I love you Ra. Mommy loves you. Daddy too. You are the best little orange cat in the world, and I would have done anything for you. I am sorry we weren't able to do more. I love you so much. Thank you for being you. Everyone loved Ra. Chris once offered me a million dollars to take Ra with him when he moved out. Not in a million years. Ra is truly irreplaceable! We all love you, Little Head.

Goals

-Exercise/lose weight
-Fellowship with other couples: Matt & Amy, Orson & Donna, Haya & Mahdi, Corey & Megan, Charlene & Nick, Larry & Susan, etc.
-Find/start small group at Meck
-Write a random thank you note
-Finalize December holiday plans
-Bake/make Christmas/holiday gifts for neighbors, colleagues, and friends
-Buy Christmas gifts for family
-Finished geovisualization data coding, come up with results, and write up paper(s)
-Decide dissertation topic
-Revise and resubmit WASA paper to The International Journal of Human Computer Studies
-Revise and submit Technology Overload Gender research to a journal (pick journal)
-Finalize January travel plans to San Fran
-Get signatures from board members to finalize non-profit bylaws
-Finalize 501(c)3 paperwork
-Write grant proposal
-Get some sleep

Plog 9/17/09

Breakfast: toast and nutella
Lunch: macaroni & cheese with hot dog
Dinner: spaghetti, hamburger meat, and soy sauce
Snack: brownies, chips and queso, fruit
Water: 1 glass
Exercise: PT
Doctor: Spine specialist

Plog 9/16/09

Breakfast: feta asparagus frittata
Lunch: raviolis
Dinner: spaghetti, hamburger meat, and soy sauce
Snack: popcorn, vitamin milk, pineapple bread pudding, brownie bites
Water: 1 glass
Exercise: PT
Doctor: PT

Plog 9/13/09

Breakfast: mini bagel with nutella
Lunch: Left over pizza
Dinner: Thai chicken satay with rice noodles
Snack: vanilla vitamin milk, pineapple bread pudding
Water: 2 glasses
Exercise: PT exercises, A little Wii Fit
Doctor: None

Plog 9/12/09

Breakfast: asparagus, feta frittata
Lunch: Sonny's BBQ
Dinner: Boboli white
Snack: vanilla vitamin milk
Water: 2 glasses
Exercise: PT exercises
Doctor: None

Plog 9/11/09

Breakfast: peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Lunch: pasta with soy sauce
Dinner: fried pork won tons
Snack: vanilla vitamin milk
Water: 2 glasses
Exercise: None
Doctor: None

Plog 9/10/09

Breakfast: deviled eggs
Lunch: raviolis
Dinner: 3 slices of pepperoni pizza
Snack: handful of peanuts, hood chocolate milk with vitamins, Pringles cup, more deviled eggs, toast and nutella
Water: 1 glass
Exercise: PT exercises
Doctor: None

Plog

9/8/09

Breakfast: 2 snack sized Jimmy Dean sausage and biscuits
Lunch: hot dog with bun, cinnamon apple sauce cup, Pringles cup
Dinner: spaghetti with hamburger and mushrooms, goat cheese, garlic, olive oil, and pan fried pita bread
Snack: handful of peanuts, strawberry shake
Water: 3 glasses
Exercise: None, didn't do PT because hip was hurting too much, slept on ice pack
Vitamins: Bought GNC Woman's powder multi-vitamin in vanilla. Tried it. It is okay.
Doctor: Went to Chiropractor

9/9/09
Breakfast: toast and nutella
Lunch: left over spaghetti
Dinner: Perogies and hotdogs w/o buns
Snack: Vitamin peach shake, Pringles cup, honey roasted peanuts, beef jerky
Water: skim milk. Need more water . . .
Exercise: PT exercises
Vitamins: cup of vita-powder with skim milk
Doctor: Physical therapy

Getting Down to Business

Okay, seriously, I need to work to get healthy. Some steps:

1) Keep a food/exercise journal - eat right and exercise.
2) Continue physical therapy.
3) Go to my 10 million follow up doctors' appointments (ugh.)
4) Find a liquid or gummy adult multi-vitamin my tummy can take on a daily basis.
5) Set an alarm on my phone to remember to take my middle-of-the-day pills. Get some kind of pill holder for my wallet.
6) Drink more water.
7) I need to figure out if my back problem is my L5-S1 lumbar or my SI joint (caused most likely by the ulcerative colitis). Based on my limited research, you treat them differently so it matters which one you have.
8) Pray! (I guess this one should actually go first...)

Food journal starts tomorrow. I ate like crap today.

Our Family

Pam & Mike

Chiaroscuro "Scuro"

Ra

Carrera

Uluru "Ru"

Twerp

Love your Neighbor as Yourself

I really believe that Mike and I try to put service to others as a integral part of our lives. To me, what other purpose to life could there be? But sometimes, I get discouraged because it feels like no one really helps us. In the age of social networking, you would think it would make friendships stronger instead of just - cursory. Sometimes it feels like accepting a friend request or liking someone's status update makes people feel like they have done their part being your friend for the day. There are so many times when I hear people say, "let me know if there is anything I can do to help," but it seems empty because most people know that if you actually come up with something and ask the person to do it, most often the response will be that they are somehow busy or otherwise engaged. Helping someone out is really only an option when it isn't an inconvenience. We do it half heartedly when we throw ourselves all the way into the things that we want to pursue. Instead of just doing something nice for someone else, somehow we feel like we are off the hook as long as we just make the offer. And not only this, society seems to dictate that actually asking for help isn't something you should do. People feel embarrassed or ashamed and generally push people who know they need help away because it somehow makes you feel stronger. We have become suspicious if someone wants to help us and sometimes even offended. And we have learned asking for help is an annoyance or bother to others so we just don't do it.

Society has made us on-demand, instant gratification, have it your way, put yourself first, that was easy, at the push of a button, suck it up, just take what you can, put your best foot forward, no need to compromise, don't get in my way, all men for themselves people who often find ourselves having everything we could possibly want and confused about the lonely, empty feeling we have inside. So how to we change this? How do we actually start loving our neighbors as ourselves? How do we really start to truly connect and feel like a community? How can we start asking one another for help? And when asked for help, how do we administer it passionately without even thinking about how it negatively impacts our original plans? How do we make time for friends on a weekly basis instead of keeping them at arms length on a buddy list? How do we move away from cooking meals for two to always making some extra just in case someone stops by? How do we shift our priorities from achieving personal success to measuring our success based on how well we have loved others?

Sigh. Maybe I am just having a rough morning. Sometimes humanity amazes me and others it just makes me sad.

Now I Law Me Down to Sleep

God, I sincerely want to do your will in my life, but man is it hard sometimes! Just wanted to ask for your help with some of my struggles:

First, I get confused about what exactly it is you want me to do. I see the guidance from the Bible - love God with all your heart and love your neighbor as yourself. However, in practice in my own life sometimes it is ambiguous as to what exactly that means. Sometimes it isn't that I want to be disobedient, it is just I don't know what they heck I should be doing.

Second, I get hurt. When I try to do something loving or sacrificial, inevitably it seems like Satan finds a way to make it an uphill battle. Conventional wisdom then teaches me that I should become bitter, guarded, and self-protecting instead because no one likes getting hurt. As a Christian, I am supposed to forgive and give my other cheek when I get slapped on the first. There is no way I can do that on my own. I don't have the strength of Jesus to be able to live a perfect life, be condemned, and still die to save others because of unconditional love. I guess sometimes I just want to pray for strength because this world can be such an ugly place. On one hand I genuinely want to help people because I really do care, but on the other hand sometimes I feel myself isolating myself from people because they can be down right mean. So I feel like I love people and want to hide from them at the same time.

Third, society defines success so much differently than the Bible. To be successful, it is about personal achievements, power, money, strength, independence, self-indulgence, etc. It is like the world turned Jesus's teachings upside down. You strive to be first, not last. when the Bible says that it is in our weakness that we are strong because of our reliance on God, the world condemns any sign of weakness. Apologies are signs of weakness. So as the world has become this on-demand, materialistic, individualistic thing - it seems like it just tears people apart. Give me what I want now. Don't get in my way. Put yourself first. There is no need to compromise. Marriage vows seem to have a convenience clause. Relationships are fragile and broken so easily between co-workers, friends, family, etc. While we expect to be forgiven, we allow very little room for others to make mistakes. Stay at home mothers aren't respected because they can't (or choose not to) multi-task their children and a lucrative career. People feel worthless because they can't find a job - when did a career become synonymous with self-worth? People encourage you to choose your own personal enrichment over forming deep connections with others - at sometimes making sacrifices that have no personal benefit to you. So basically, I get torn between the things that matter to me and the things that matter to me that matter to me because of what other people think. I am not going to lie and say that I don't care how the world perceives me. I like praise. I like others to think I am smart and successful. I grew up leanring that you had to be perfect to be loved. That doesn't get untaught overnight. So sometimes I feel my heart strings pulling me toward stuff that matters more to me than the "Bitch-Goddess Success' (quoting DH Lawrence), I still find myself feeling guilty when I don't measure up to her yardstick.

Fourth, sometimes my physical health just gets in the way of all the things I want to do to glorify you. I get tired, exhausted, depressed, achy, anxious, and just generally blah. I am only 29 years old, and I have too many health problems for my age. I have wonderful ambitions and great ideas but sometimes just not taking a mid-afternoon nap seems like a miracle. when Jesus was on earth, was he limited by his physical body? It is hard to separate me from my physical confines even though my soul really does have the desire to do more. I don't remember many stories in the Bible about ill people doing great things. In fact, most of the stories I remember have to do with Jesus healing believers. So either there is something I am missing or maybe I just don't have strong enough faith. However, even in the Bible, the man with the sick son prayed for his healing by exclaiming . . . "I believe, help my disbelief."

And fifth, it is just so hard to understand the intanglible. I am supposed to be living for something better in Heaven, but I can't imagine something that I have never seen, experienced, or could probably never begin to wrap my mind around - and the Bible even says that I could never understand your master plan for us. It would be like Ra (my not-so-smart but completely loving cat) being expected to understand every nuance of why I do what I do on a daily basis to make sure he is safe. Although he loves running out the garage door, I know he would be no match for the fox that we found in our yard the other day. Okay, so maybe not the best metaphor, but I am sure you understand me better than I understand you - and that's pretty much the point. I can choose to believe many things, but there are a lot of things that I just don't get. While sometimes it is good enough for me to just have faith that you have it figured out and be glad that it isn't up to me to have all under control, the Bible is full of contradictions and generalities that simply just don't have the feel of a Dummy's guide to life. I can't believe that a child growing up in some remote third world country who never heard the Gospel and accepts Jesus as Lord goes to Hell when he or she dies. In some ways, I am a very practical person. I sponsor a Compassion child in Bolivia, and it bothers me that her letters are all just about "May you be blessed in the Lord Jesus Christ and I will pray for you a thousand times a day." I want her to learn how to read. I want her to learn a trade so that she can help her family move out of poverty. I do believe that you alone nourish us, but you do it through means other than just yourself. If that weren't the case, there should have never been an earth. There should have just been a huge thrown where we could just all worship instead of fellowship 24 hours a day. No need for food, money, or each other. Reminds me about some joke I heard about a man stranded in a flood on his roof waiting for you to save him . . . but I am sure you have heard that one before.

While I know that this may sound like a disrespectful prayer, instead I hope that you see that it is a thoughtful one. Instead of praying about loaves of daily bread and what it seems like I should pray for as a good Christian, I am bringing you the things that are really on my heart. I am asking for your help to my real struggles because I definitely know that I cannot solve them all on my own. Typically I write my prayers down because when I say them in my head I tend to trail off into thinking about something completely unrelated. It helps me to be more focused and honest with myself and with others along with being more respectful to you because I am not thinking about trivial things like what to wear tomorrow or that thing I forgot to do that I really need to remember to add to my list. And I don't want you to think I am missing the important parts of my daily prayers such as being thankful and asking for forgiveness. I am very thankful for so many things in my life. And I know I have sinned and will continue to sin and need to ask your mercy and forgiveness on a daily basis. I just can't sink into a shallow mindset and not have these types of questions, and I really don't think that you are the type of God who would want that. So here I am at three in the morning as honest as can be. There is a song I really like; the words go something like, "God, move, or move me." I guess that is kinda what I am saying here. God, you do it.

Hospital Cost Craziness

One night in the hospital:

room & board: $605
pharmacy: $2,433
medical supplies: 100
labs: $2071
Radiology: $1944
Emergency Room: $1587
GI Services: $1260

Total: $10,000

Wow. Luckily we have insurance to pay most of it, but man getting sick is expensive!

Carrera (and Twerp)

Carrera is the newest addition to our family (below). So that makes Pam, Mike, Chiaroscuro (Scuro), Ra, Uluru (Ru), and Carrera. We found her at the Great Dane Rescue of Charlotte which is near North Lake Mall. They had named her Flurry, and she was there with her sister Wrinkles (named for her wrinkly face). Her paperwork says she is a Chinese Shar Pei which I could see for her sister but not at all for her. We are guessing that her mom might have been part Shar Pei (She might be half Chinese like me!), and she is just a mutt just like me. She is extremely sweet and gentle (opposed to Ru who is sweet and crazy). She is a little timid, but she is getting more bounce in her step every day. We took her to the vet today and found out she has whip worms. The vet treated her, but they say that it is hard to get rid of the eggs once they are in your yard so the chance of reinfection is high. Hopefully we caught it in time. Mike de-pooped the yard today. Generally, the vet said that the whip worms shouldn't be that serious - just more of a nuisance.

She is a great dog! She loves to walk on the leash - without pulling (much). She doesn't chase around the cats. She is a little bit of a guard dog - she barked at the lawn guy next door but doesn't bark at the neighbors. She hasn't had any accidents in the house. She growls at Ru when he isn't using his manners but otherwise is very well-mannered. She eats very slowly which we aren't used to. I had to put a Beggin' Strip mixed in her food to get her to eat.

The worse mishap we have had so far is really our fault. We still have some injured ducks and a pre-teen duck in the corner of our yard. We fenced it off where the dogs couldn't really get in but Twerp (our pre-teen) could get out. Twerp is a gutsy little guy, so while the dogs were outside, I was in the garage cleaning the litter boxes, and Mike was cooking dinner, Twerp ran out into the backyard lawn. Carrera was very interested in this, so we picked up Twerp in her mouth. Thank God, Mike happened to see this, so he ran outside and chased her down. Poor things. It scared Mike, Twerp, and Carrera half to death. We examined Twerp. He only seemed to have one small pin point of blood on his back near is Twerpy little wing. It has been 2-3 days, and he is running around just like ever - we are praying he doesn't have any internal injuries or infections. We went right out and got a mesh fence to zip tie to the border fence so that Twerp (Blue-Duck and Speckled-Head) can't get out of the corner of the yard. We are keeping a much closer eye on them now.

At first, we were going to name her Quarry as in a "marble quarry" because 1) it rhymed with Flurry (her original name) and 2) her coat looks very much like white marble with gray marbling. We even got her a tag. However, it didn't stick. (Mike's mom started calling her Cory and in general it wasn't very easy to say. Plus, she didn't really know her name as Flurry anyway.) So, her name is now Carrera after Carrera marble which comes from the Carrera quarries - and is the classic white and gray marble. Not officially, it is also because when Mike sold his Boxster S he wanted to get a Carrera but we got an XTerra instead. Now he can say that he finally got the Carrera he wanted. Maybe if we get a Porsche Carrera we could name it "Dog" or "Mutt."

She has learned how to chew a raw hide, but she still isn't quite sure of the concept of toys. She now knows "sit" and "shake," but she is still working on "lay down." She is quite the shaking machine though. If you have a treat, she dances with both of her paws trying to give them to you so she can get the treat. Very cute.

So that is Carrera's story so far.


CarreraRu 006
Originally uploaded by pamela_j_karr

Me and My Colon

So I now know more about my colon than I ever wanted to know. (Don't worry, I'll spare you the pictures.) A couple of weeks ago, I went to Urgent Care, then the emergency room, then was admitted to the hospital. The GI doctor says I have the classic symptoms of chronic ulcerative colitis (UC). Basically, it is inflammation of the colon which is in the Irratable Bowel Sydrome (IBS) family. Considered worse than general IBS but not as bad as Chrone's Disease (UC is infection of the large intestine while Chrone's is both the large and small intestine). I am still trying to learn about it. At first, I thought I might have gotten a bacterial infection (salmonella) from the ducks (another long story), but they said they tested and biopsied and there was no sign of that and that it looked more chronic (I guess it would have just been colitis then instead of ulcerative colitis). It showed infection all the way to the "left-side" which is basically the whole large intestine/colon instead of just part of it (colon goes up through your right side than over). Anyway, they treated me with a whole bunch of medicine in the hospital and gave me some prescriptions to take home.

One medicine I have to take 3 capsules 3 times daily. It is called Balsalazide. Possible Side effects: Headache, nausea, vomiting, joint pain, abdominal pain, trouble sleeping, or loss of appetite may occur. If any of these effects persist or worsen, notify your doctor or pharmacist promptly. (Probably explains why I am blogging at 5:30 AM.)

The other medicine tastes horrible! At first I had to take 5 pills a day, but luckily I am now down to two a day. It is called Prednisone. Possible Side Effects:

• problems with your vision;

• swelling, rapid weight gain, feeling short of breath;

• severe depression, unusual thoughts or behavior, seizure (convulsions);

• bloody or tarry stools, coughing up blood;

• pancreatitis (severe pain in your upper stomach spreading to your back, nausea and vomiting, fast heart rate);

• low potassium (confusion, uneven heart rate, extreme thirst, increased urination, leg discomfort, muscle weakness or limp feeling); or

• dangerously high blood pressure (severe headache, blurred vision, buzzing in your ears, anxiety, confusion, chest pain, shortness of breath, uneven heartbeats, seizure).

Less serious side effects may include:

• sleep problems (insomnia), mood changes;

• acne, dry skin, thinning skin, bruising or discoloration;

• slow wound healing;

• increased sweating;

• headache, dizziness, spinning sensation;

• nausea, stomach pain, bloating; or

• changes in the shape or location of body fat (especially in your arms, legs, face, neck, breasts, and waist).

So when I thought I would at least lose some weight being sick, I have actually been voraciously hungry. Argh. From my understanding, I am supposed to stay on Balsalazide long term but not Prednisone - that only when my colon gets really inflamed. The GI said that the side effects of Balsalazide are far better than letting your UC go uncontrolled (some people have to have their colon removed, yikes!). Just listening to the doctor right now since I am relying he knows better than me.

Irronically, the medication that I was already on which interacts the worst and causes flare ups of UC is Ziana which is a topical acne gel. In fact, some people think that it might actually cause UC. Who would have thought that your most dangerous medication might be your acne cream?! Regardless, I stopped using it and am back to good ol' Neutrogena.

So, that is all I really know so far. Needless to say, I haven't been feeling my best the last few weeks. Randomly feel better and worse, but hopefully it will get better instead of worse over time. I cried at my 2 week check up with the GI even though he has already diagnosed me. I guess it just felt more serious and long term hearing it when I wasn't drugged up in the hospital. I also have over active bladder, so this is going to make it fun for me. (Maybe the next home improvement project should be a master bath upgrade since I will probably be spending a lot more time in there.) With everything else wrong with me, I was just frustrated and upset. Dr. Barkley (my PCP) said that when he got the medical records sent over from the hospital, he thought, "Boy this girl just can't get a break. She is too young to have all these problems..." Okay, changing subject because I am tearing up again.

On a happier note, we adopted a dog from the Great Dane Rescue of Charlotte. No, she isn't a great dane - we have no idea what she is. Her name was Flurry, then we renamed her Quarry, and then we renamed her again to Carrera. However, I will write a separate post about that since we has nothing to do with me and my colon.

Blog fighting for attention

My blog has been feeling lonely lately. Not much and a lot going on all at the same time. Some updates:

-We caught one snapping turtle. Subsequently, Mike speared his foot and had to get 3 stitches. He is better now though.
-We have been attempting to catch the 3 crested Swede ducks. We have learned that they can dive and hold their breath under water.
-We bought a kayak for me. Mike is still waiting for the one he wants to be stocked at Bass Pro Shoppe
-Mike is taking mandatory vacation next week, but we aren't doing any big trips. He had to go to a meeting in Wichita today. Bor-ring.
-We are going camping at Hanging Rock, and we will be bringing my kayak.
-The pond out back is looking better this year than it ever has before. Still need to find some triploid sterile grass carp.
-Max got a new dog named Penny. She is a Puggle.
-Mom got her picture taken at a BBQ with Tim Tebow. She was very excited about this.
-We are going to a conference in Chicago in August. Unfortunately it falls on our 1 year anniversary. Fortunately we will get to spend some time with Kim, Tony, and Max. Hopefully catch up with Kourtney too.
-Scuro and Ra's bloodwork came back just fine from their last "senior wellness check ups"
-Scuro is getting her teeth cleaned Wednesday. Afterwards, she will be sure to pee on the bed.
-I passed my qualifying exams! :-) Now I have to code data. :-|
-Gabe and Kristin (Mike's friends from college) came over and stayed the night on their way to Myrtle Beach.
-Mike's company was sold to Intel, but thus far, he still has a job.
-We bought new phones. Before, we both hated each others' phones. Now we both have Instincts.
-Okay, I need to get to bed

To Do List for Tomorrow

1) Recreate and critique Steve's resume (Done)
2) Type up HOA board meeting minutes (Done)
3) Follow up on sidewalk repair request (Done)
5) Call home protection policy people about A/C (Done)
6) Wish Tausha a Happy Birthday (Done - still need to call)
7) Bingo with Britthaven (Done)
8) Call Restaurant.com to exchange gift certificates (Done)
9) Mail copy of alarm notification to Molly Maid (Done)
10) Pay bills (Done)
13) Remind Mike to figure out vacation stuff (Done)
15) Update ARC form for Mike (Deferred to Mike)
16) Go grocery shopping (Done)
18) Remind Mike to get car inspection (Done)
19) Spray paint turtle trap (Done)
20) Water office plant (Done)

And my always task: do more research

Deferred until later . . .
22) Plant poppies (Done)
23) Laundry (In-Progress)

4) Call Dave about the Leacroft website & block party
12) Follow up about roof insurance claim
14) Submit ARC form for fence staining
17) Get oil changes
11) Back up laptop
21) Pick up prescription

Perennials

I have decided that annuals are a waste of money, and we are only going to buy perennials for our yard. And I am not above saving the receipt from Lowe's and returning the ones that die within a year. I will post pictures of our yard soon. Mike is heckbent on keeping the drip irrigation system he put in last year. I just don't like that it has so many points-of-failure. He was pleasantly surprised by how well it weathered the winter though.

Mike left for San Fran today then is flying to Chicago. He should be back Wednesday night. Until then, it is just me, Scuro, Ra, and Ru chillin' at the house.

Pam's Nexus

FBNetwork
Originally uploaded by pamela_j_karr

I think this Facebook App is the coolest thing ever. Here is the visualization of my social network on Facebook. I realized that I am missing a network for my Tampa Bay Friends and College Friends. Where are you guys?

Pam on Facebook:
http://www.new.facebook.com/people/Pamela-Wisniewski/814060829

Hello Blog

Dear blog,

I haven't forgotten about you. It is just that married life keeps me busy and having someone to talk to all the time makes one feel less compelled to share with strangers who may or may not care. I know you are always there for me when I need to vent or rant or generally send mass updates to my family and friends. For that, I thank you.

Your stormy-weathered friend,
Pam

Crashing after Exams

I am relieved that they are over! Ugh, I am going to take a nap now. Thanks for all the good luck wishes. They helped a bunch!

Studying Sucks

I sent Mike to the NoDa dog bar with Ru for some socialization (for both the dog and the man). I am at home studying. My finger is hurting because I am taking so many notes. At least it wasn't raining today. I need to find my cell phone and text Mike to see what we are going to do about dinner. We went to the House of Leng yesterday for dinner, and had enough left overs for both of us to eat for lunch. Alas, there are no more cupcakes. Very windy outside today - it sounds like someone is knocking on the door. I think it is just the wind.

The trees are growing back their leaves, and soon we will find out which of our plants are actually perennials. I don't see the point of getting annuals if you know they are just going to die every year. :-\

Ugh

You know how it is when you get really mad at your husband, and you know he feels completely horrible, but you aren't ready to stop being mad at him yet? I think in some ways, Mike thinks if I am really angry with him, he is scared that I might leave. So even when I am extremely angry with him, sometimes I have to just stop and tell him I still love him. Sometimes that is hard to do when you love someone, but if you stopped loving everyone you ever got mad at, you wouldn't have anyone left.

Spaghetti, cheese, crackers for dinner tonight. Ready to bake chocolate chip cookies. Mmmm.

Yay! Stuffed Mushrooms!!

My husband is so wonderful - he is downstairs cooking chicken marsala and stuffed mushrooms. (While I am procrastinating for a bit from studying.) ;-)

Say prayers for my mom's boyfriend Watson who recently underwent esophagus stretching and eye surgery. He is having a hard time right now. Also for Aunt Cheryl who recently underwent brain surgery.

For anyone looking for a place to go for Easter service, my church Mecklenburg Community Church (Meck) is having Easter at Verizon.

Ru was naughty today - he ate my packet of ramen noodles from the counter (yes, I am still a college student, so I can still eat ramen noodles!) Ra just fell of the kitchen counter; so much for cats always landing on their feet.

BTW, EVERYONE over in my old department is pregnant or has had a baby recently. There must be something in the curriculum air vents in the Friday building or something. Mike and I are still waiting about 2 years for kids. Once I am over the qualifying exams hump which I now just have a psychological fear of, I will be a much happier person. My advisors are great though. Funny, friendly, nice, encouraging. Yay.

I do need to catch up with Matt, Amy, Haya, etc. from my old department though. Missing them lots!

Anyway, I think I hear the dinner bell . . .

7 Days and Counting

Okay, I am starting to get nervous about qualifying exams now. I only have 7 more days to study. Yikes! And unfortunately, I will have to study straight through Ra's 9th birthday. Maybe he will join me on my lap for some of my study time.

I am in the process of summarizing all the articles I have to read for my exam and trying to commit them to memory. I think my brain is getting old because it is harder to remember things these days.

However, I still know: am is are was were be being been have has had do does did may might must can could shall should will would - my auxiliary verbs from 7th grade.

In other news, as HOA board secretary, I have been helping coordinate the retiling of the pool. We chose a gray slate kind of tile with gray grout. I think it will look pretty good. I have other action items on my list, but my HOA duties have been put on hold until after qualifying exams.

Ugh, so the small claim we filed against the landscaping company (and won) pretty much was a bust. Even though we won a judgment of $5K, they don't have any money in their account to be able to collect. The judge said the only recourse we have is to write the secretary of state and let them know these guys are ripping people off. Our yard, slowly but surely is starting to recover. We overseeding so we actually have grass again. We replaced the crappy Crepe Myrtles with nice Yoshino Cherry trees (which are in the process of blossoming!). The biggest problem still is the drainage of the yard. We had Tom put in a French drain which helped some, but we are still getting a muddy side yard and standing water - which make for a muddy, messy dog every day.

Let's see, what else? Max, my nephew, has started walking, but I have been too bust to check out the videos and pictures. Will be one of the first things I do after I get back from my conference in Boston. I also have another conference in August where I am going to Chicago. Hopefully I will be able to visit with Kim and Tony (and bring Mike) when I go.

Anyway, hugs to all and to all a good night!

9 Days and Counting Down

I have nine days until qualifying exams. I have read through all the materials for taxonomies of recommender systems and hybrid recommender system, content-based systems, collaborative filtering recommenders, etc. I also have read through a good bit of HCI articles, Visualization, and Geovisualization. Have a lot more stuff to remember before then!

I couldn't ask for more

I have the most supportive and loving husband in the world. Mike is there for me the times I really need him. Sure, we have our differences, but he has never let me down when it came to the big stuff. He has never said one harsh word to me or called me a name out of anger. Sometimes he doesn't know what to do, but he always tries. I am so completely and utterly thankful that God brought him into my life. I can only hope that others experience the love and support he shows me.

Mike!

I don't realize how much better Mike makes my life until he leaves for a few days, and I get downright grumpy. This time, I freaked out thinking I might have Meningitis because I have been having headaches and neck pain/stiffness. At the same time, I am already on an antibiotic twice a day for something else, so who knows. I know for sure I am a hypochondriac about this stuff, but then I never know when I should worry about my health. I am not the healthiest person in the world, so I am sure if I keep searching, they will find something horrible wrong with me. Back to the note about my wonderful husband . . .

Mike recently had a role change at work. Basically, he will be getting paid the same, get more work, chase smaller deals instead of the bigger ones. So, in some ways it is bad but in others it is good. Not as good that he will have to travel a bit more and be busier while at home, but good because smaller deals make him feel more in control, not like he has to wait to see if a multi-million dollar contract is going to be signed to figure out if he is going to get his commission or not. I mean, he makes a good base pay, put having some steady commission would feel nice too since we are still paying off our wedding. Oh, and the economy sucks.

The reason I love Mike the most is that he is the sweetest man I know. He has a good heart, and I know that he would never do anything to intentionally hurt me. Just the thought of hurting me makes him tear up. When we first met, he had been hurt a few times and had his walls up, but now that I have infiltrated those protective walls, he is my fortress. God sent him to me so I can show him how to love and care about people, and God sent him to me to protect me from the bad things in this world.

I felt helpless and frustrated when Mike was really sick. I wanted to do something to help him feel better, and I couldn't. At the same time, I was overwhelmed because everything was pretty much left up to me. Even now, when he has a strange look on his face, I ask him how he is feeling to make sure he isn't having a really bad heachache or something. Eh, normally, it is probably just gas.

I have officially changed my last name on my social security card. Next stop, the DMV. Ick.

This semester has been busy but productive. This last week hasn't been very good because I haven't been feeling that great. The problem with having your doctor convinced that you are a hypochondraic is that you don't want to go in to him unless you know you are really sick. So, I have this silly feeling that if I go in to him and say that I haven't been feeling well, that he will just blow me off.

Anyway, Mike comes home tonight. I need some cuddling, and hopefully I will feel better tomorrow. Right now, my eyes are hurting along with my head, so I am going to lay down for a bit.

Mike's Birthday

MikeBirthday
Originally uploaded by pamela_j_karr

Mike is going to be in Raleigh for his actual birthday (the 19th), so we went to Nakato's this past Friday. His mom, Orson, and Donna joined us. It was fun. I bought him the birthday package where they give you a cake, sing, and take a picture. Cheesy but good. :-)

Our Prayer List

Grandma Berry - recently had a Pacemaker put in
Aunt Cheryl - soon to have brain surgery
Buddy Cook - fighting Cancer
Robin Schronce - soon-to-be mom
Max, Connor, Stephen, Cameron, Aidan, Alannah- new babies! (I am sure I am forgetting someone)
Mom and Watson - quitting smoking
Rachael - generally surviving high school
Daniel, Alexi, Joe, Liz - some of the many who are looking for new job opportunities
Jackie - settling in to her new house
Mike - still having bad headaches
Kourtney, Ann, and Hubbies - getting married this weekend (two separate couples, Las Vegas and Chicago)
Undisclosed friends and acquaintances - having relationship struggles, health issues, money problems, etc.

Philippians 4:6

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

Headaches

Unfortunately, Mike's headaches have returned in full force. However, a new neurologist has suggested that the pain might be coming from the inflamed nerve endings around his brain (think more external head than internal head), so he got steroid shots in his head the other day. Didn't seem to do much good, so he is going to try going back for more acupuncture and make an appointment with his doctor. Spasms haven't come back, so that's good. He has been able to continue working through the recent headaches, so I am not sure exactly how bad they are. He had to take pain killer tonight, but sometimes it is hard for me to tell if and when he is hurting unless he tells me.

I spent most of the day seeing blurry because I had my eyes dilated by an ophthalmologist. So even though I feel like I am having a harder time seeing than before, he said that I am still legally blind in my left eye and still 20/20 in my right eye. So there you go.

Other news, my mom had sudden hearing loss in her left ear. So that was bad; however, it has prompted her to try to quit smoking which is awesome! Something I have been praying for since she started again. Since Dad died of Cancer when he was 52, I have nightmares that would happen to my mom too. I know quitting smoking doesn't guarantee her health, but as a Diabetic, it definitely improves her chances of living a longer, healthier life. Amen!

So, I am married and busy these days so I don't get around to blogging that often. I try to keep everyone updated and to keep in touch with friends. Facebook has been a big help in doing that. It is also a vortex that sucks away hours of my life at a time, but at least I know what everyone is up to.

Life is good. It is hard, but it is good. Crazy, beautiful, screwed up, but wonderful life.

Thank God for 2009

I am happy to say that Mike continues to get better. He still isn't feeling quite 100%, but he is able to work and mull around a bit these days. He actually left for CES in Las Vegas tonight; he was supposed to leave yesterday due to high winds, etc. Charlotte actually had wind gusts up to 50 MPH yesterday. Seems pretty fast to me.

So, that is my good news.

Argh, in OTHER news, the ATI driver for my new laptop is CRAP. I have a HP tablet laptop and an HP monitor, so you THINK they would be compatible. Well, no. The ATI driver fritzes out randomly and blue screens my laptop. Usually in the middle of something important. We updated the BIOS and some other things, but it looks like we just have towait for HP to pressure ATI to make a driver that works right for their machines. I hope they hurry up soon though. (Sorry, rant was because my computer caught the last ATI driver exception which looks like a black screen followed by a windows bubble. When it happens multiple times in a row, then I know the blue screen of death is soon to follow with no way to recover.)

Feeling a little pinched for money, like everyone else these days. We felt good about the manageability of our debt coming out of our wedding until the bottom dropped out of the economy and Mike got sick. So, we have sucessfully eaten in for the past week now - well, we did make an exception to have lunch with some friends passing through town for the holidays. Mike had some deals he was counting on closing this past quarter that didn't happen, so we are just hoping that they will close in January before the company's fiscal year is over. I guess it would help if we were praying about it too. Just seems weird to pray for monetary gain though.

We did the Hands on Charlotte orientation for volunteering. I was a member, but my membership lapsed. We have signed up for a few events, so it will be great to get back to volunteering.

However, the big goals right now are health, Mike's job, and PhD. So, we need to be heads down for a little while to make sure everything goes well in 2009. Goes divine maybe?

Catching Up

I took my Visual Analytics final today which felt good to get over with. It made me remember why they named me Diderot, Most likely to write my own encyclopedia, in high school. Poor guy has to grade essay questions, and he is working toward a paper deadline himself. At least my handwriting isn't microscopic like it used to be in middle school. I just finished editing my paper and creating my slide presentation for my final project in the class. So, I am caught up with my class, but now I have to catch up with my research.

Happy to report that Mike has been feeling better. Still headachy and spasmy, but able to get some work done and do some of his own driving. I kicked him out of bed early this morning because I couldn't get any sleep because he was snoring so freakin' loud. I seriously had ear plugs in and still couldn't sleep! I was about to go sleep on the couch myself, but he was a sweetie and realized that I had to take my final today, so he let me stay in bed.

We have both been diagnosed with sleep apnea, but I don't know about the whole CPAP thing. Since I also have restless legs, I pretty much dance around too much in my sleep to be able to keep an oxygen mask on all night. They have other surgeries and appliances, but they aren't they most widely accepted treatment, so I know our insurance won't pay for them. Trying to get A's in my classes while I am getting a low B in sleeping. :-)

We have officially decided that we are too poor right now to continue eating out so much. So if anyone has any good recipes, let us know.

Done with Christmas shopping, I think. We aren't going to do Christmas cards this year, but I am going to try to convince Mike to do a mini Christmas video with me. We will see how that goes. He is pretty much a sucker for me, so I sure it will be posted on here in a few days.

In the meantime, here is a video of the cats and their Christmas presents from Autnie Kim. Thanks, Auntie Kim - we loved them!

Sluggy

Well, Mike is sick with a cold now, but the ironic thing is that I think it is actually helping him feel a little better from his other symptoms. His uncontrollable muscle spasms are now happening mostly in the morning and evenings only, and he hasn't been feeling dizzy. So between the cold, the prayer blanket his aunt sent him, Tom's acupuncture, and the new medication, Mike is at least feeling well enough to drive to his own appointments now. Yay! He is still getting pretty bad headaches, so we are going to continue with the additional testing. The weird thing is that he can have multiple headaches at once. A dull headache in one place, another headache in another, and a sharp headache in another place. Weird. Oh, and I just looked up his medication Amitriptyline which says it is used for migraines and vaginal swelling. We have a lot more serious problems if he is having vaginal swelling!

Me, I am feeling pretty exhausted and stressed. I am behind in what I need to do for school, and I really just wanted to hit the ground running after we got back from the honeymoon. After all the set backs I was having with my old department, my new department has been a breath of fresh air. I just don't want them to think I am a slacker. :-( It has been difficult the last few months because we weren't sure if Mike could keep working, weren't sure if we would need to change our plans to have kids in a couple of years, etc. The economy crashing in the middle of it all didn't help much either.

But, overall, things are looking up. Mike is able to do more on his own now, and he is slowly getting back to work. I know money isn't the most important thing in the world, but it sure makes things worse if you don't have any.

Ugh, I am seriously about to fall asleep as I sit here typing. I swear coffee makes me sleepier than it does more awake. I hear that is a symptom of ADHD, but I am not going to bother to get diagnosed. I mean, all they would be able to do is give me Ritalin, and I already tried that for my hypersomulence, and it didn't do anything for me. It was supposed to help me stay awake/alert during the day, and I could take one and immediately take a nap. Sigh. Sometimes I think medication does more harm than it does good.

Core Dump

Empty Sad Lonely Helpless Numb Pointless Ungrateful Bored Confused Scared Fuzzy Annoyed Cold Fat Achy Aimless Misunderstood Dark Meaningless Tired Angry Crooked Pensive Hopeless Negative Crash Dry Passionateless Cowardly Detached Isolated Void Broken Mundane Stiff Worry Shame Pitiful Baffled Insignificant Mistaken Unworthy Repetitive Oxygen Dull Sore Random Guilty Naked Aware Effort Dumbfounded Unhealthy Wrong Different Waiting Lost Doubt Concern Fallen Breathe God Intangible Distant Contradiction Circles Old Foreign Yearn Flail Avoid Need Complex Questions Lacking

Flopsy the Snowman

Christmas 006
Originally uploaded by pamela_j_karr

We call him Flopsy because he keeps falling over. We figured that we have been a bit depressed over Mike's illness, so we tried to show a little Christmas cheer. Comment from my sister:

Looks great outside ;-)
Inside you're a wee bit Scrooge-y. ;-)

Another Non-Update

Monday - Mike went for an EMG. Came back normal but hurt a lot.
Tuesday - Mike went to Baptist/Wake Forest for 3rd opinion Neurologist Appt. She didn't run any tests, but she is sending his doctor here a list of about 3 more tests he can run. Kinda disappointing but not a complete dead end.
Wednesday - We went to see Nona Patterson, a psychologist just to make sure we are staying healthy emotionally at least. It went pretty good for a first visit. There must've been a major pressure change with the rain today, we both had horrible headaches in the afternoon.

So, still no diagnosis for Mike. Good news: his dizziness is going away. Bad news: he is still getting bad headaches and muscle spasms. Overall though, I think he has gotten to the point where he is getting better instead of worse.

Got my new laptop. Exciting. Still using my old one until I can get everything transferred over.

The Absence

Well, after more doctor's appointments, all we have been able to find out is what Mike does not have. He doesn't have Huntington's disease, West Nile, Syphilis, HIV, Diabetes, Lime disease, MS, Epilepsy, heavy metal poisoning, brain tumors, heart problems, Meningitis, restless leg syndrome, antinuclear antibodies, paraneoplastic syndrome, a drug problem, Cryptococcus, brain hemorrhages, or intra-axial abnormalities of the brain. So that's good.

Today's Update

We went to CMC to see a Toxicologist this morning. Boy, I must love Mike. First, I hate driving. Second, I had to wake up at 7 AM this morning. Third, there was frost outside (and I am from Florida). Fourth, I had to drive in I-77 traffic. I hate I-77 traffic. Fifth, I have to do it again tomorrow. We are going to CMC Neurological Clinic. Not sure what new stuff they can tell us, but we didn't get anything useful from his Neurologist in Concord yet, so might as well try.

Thank God for health insurance.

Mike has pretty much stabilized so at least he isn't continuing to get worse. He can do 1-3 hours of work from home a day (maybe). After that, he is headachy, spasmy, and dizzy. He has taken up eating a banana a day. Maybe he is turning into a monkey . . .

I am doing okay. I have been scheduling Geoviz participants and writing my paper for my final project for Visual Analytics. Other than that, I have just been getting stuff done around the house that has to get done. Cats and dog are doing well. They don't particularly like having to go to the bathroom in the cold (dog outside, cats in the garage), but they haven't revolted in the house yet.

I feel 60 years old. We actually went to K&W Cafeteria this evening for dinner because I didn't feel like cooking. We went to church on Sunday, but we haven't been getting out of the house much (minus doctor's appointments), so I am missing socializing with my friends. Hugs to everyone! Feel free to stop by; we would enjoy some company. Don't worry, we will kick you out before you over stay your welcome. :-)

Thankful

Things I am thankful for:


God - He gave us everything we have that is good or perfect.

My family - Mike, Ra, Scuro, Ru, Mom, Watson, Kim, Tony, Max, Lisa, Steve, Rachael, Ryan, Emily, Mike's mom, Mike's Dad, Julie, Michelle, and our extended families.

My friends - Matt, Amy, Haya, Mahdi, Amber, Chris, Melanie, Angela, Tausha, Liz, Randy, Dave, Pedro, Jamie, Orson, Donna, and too many others to list.

My PhD advisors - Heather and Dave. They are awesome even though I have been sucking at the PhD program lately.

My stuff - I just did two-sided printing with my new wireless printer. Quite nifty. Something I have wanted/needed for some time now. I also am thankful for my car Pearl. My heater Marvin who is keeping me warm right now. My home. My office. I really like electricity and running water too.

The ducks - We enjoy feeding the ducks in the back yard.

The Internet - Admittedly, I am addicted. I am not thankful for porn or cyber-crime though.

My ex-boyfriends - People who I will always love and want the best for but may not talk to anymore.

My health - Mike's condition reminds me that even though I am not the healthiest person in the world, being able to do normal daily life type stuff is a blessing.

My safety - Living in the US has allowed us to not live in fear of war at our doorstep. Although there is crime here, we live relatively safe lives.

Kindness of Strangers - Sometimes when I grieve over the cruelty and selfishness of humanity, someone does something to remind me that goodness still exists.

Vertigo

No new news from the doctors. Mike has his current symptoms and now a new one - vertigo. When he gets headachy and spasmy, he now gets dizzy. We are kind of thinking it might be Parkinson's, but it is hard to diagnose. I saw that there is a Parkinson's Center in Charlotte, so I am going to call them to see if they have more information.

We have an appointment with a Toxicologist early Tuesday morning, a counseling appointment the next week, and an appointment with a Neuromuscular doctor the next week. Mike's short term disability is giving him a hard time because they haven't found out what is wrong with him yet, so the insurance company doesn't want to pay benefits. They want test results that are out of range, and we try to explain to them that the biggest problem is that we don't know why he is sick. Argh. Stressful. Luckily, so far, his boss is working with him so he doesn't have to rely on the short term disability yet.

Thanksgiving was quiet but good. Mike's mom came over, and we all made dinner. We didn't expect the turkey to take NINE hours to cook, so we ended up eating all of our sides around 7 PM and our turkey came out (minus the wings which we were able to have with dinner) of the oven around 9 PM. Darn fresh turkeys. Next time, we are just going to get a Butterball.

Friday Mike

Yesterday, Mike had a follow up appointment with his Neurologist who sent him in to the hospital to get a blood patch for his spinal tap headaches and nausea. So we spent most of the day getting that done. His brain is feeling better which is good. His back and hips are hurting from the blood that was pushed back into his spine to clot the original puncture. It was a little concerning when the doctor who did it said something to the effect of "Well, we aren't exactly sure what it does, but we think . . ." So now he is getting better from the procedures used to try to figure out what was originally wrong with him in the first place.

His doctor put him on Depakote which seems to reduce the uncontrollable muscle spasms. It is a medication used to treat bi-polar, epilepsy, and migraines. The weird thing is that his doctor already ruled out epilepsy, but he doesn't know what the muscle jerks are from. Depakote has some serious side effects such as liver problems and pancreatitis so I don't want him on the medication if he doesn't have to be. We will have to see how he is doing over the next few days. His general doctor is working on some other referrals to hopefully help figure things out without having to wait until March.

More Mike

Mike's Neurologist can't get him into Duke or Baptist for a second opinion until February or March which is pretty depressing. He is scheduled for an EMG on December 8th. We went to his general doctor today, and he is going to try to get referrals for us to get into a Neuromuscular doctor and a Toxicologist sooner is possible. He said that Mike have to go back and get another spinal tap to get a blood patch if he doesn't stop getting nausea and headaches from the first spinal tap. Something about maybe leaking spinal fluid. I don't want to think about that too hard because it grosses me out. He is in good spirits, but he is still visibly hurting. He hasn't been able to keep down all his food, and he was dizzy most of the day yesterday. I don't like leaving him for very long because he forgets that he gets dizzy. I don't want him to fall down the stairs or something when I am away.

We decided that it would be best to also see a counselor together to help us both cope with the stress right now. I am going to call a few after typing this update. I do better some days than others. I was really geared up for both of us to get off to a good working start at his job and me at school after we got back from the honeymoon and the whole wedding thing behind us. I want to start saving up for having kids in about 2 years. I guess it is a little disheartening that right after we get married, we are dealing with strange medical problems instead of being able to enjoy one another. We have been lucky if he feels good enough to get out to dinner with friends.

Everyone is praying for us, so I know everything will be okay.

Status Quo

Mike is feeling a little better from the spinal tap, but his back is hurting him, and he is still getting nausea and said he is dizzy. Last night his armpit was sore, so I think his lymph nodes might be swollen. According to him, he is "super spasmy" today. We are calling his regular doctor to schedule an appointment. I am getting annoyed with his doctor's lack of responsiveness, so we may try to change primary care physicians for him if his doctor keeps being a dork.

In other news, we don't know what happened to grey duck who was sent back to the waterfowl rescue. Black duck is now limpy as well. However, he still has all his feather, so I think he will be okay. Ru is healing up just fine. He is no longer a satellite dish dog.

I have a physical therapist appointment in half an hour. She will tell me that I need to actually do the exercises she gave me to have them work. At that point, I will break down crying and run out of her office it a total panic of stress. Well, maybe not. She is pretty nice.

Matt's birthday was yesterday, and we were actually able to make it to dinner to see him and a few friends. We also got to meet Stephen (Baby Campbell) for the first time last night. What a cutie pie. Seems like we are a few years behind our friends on the whole having a baby department. Hopefully, we won't be too far behind. Mike has to get better first though.

No Update

Mike has a spinal headache (if it sounds painful, you should see him) from the lumbar puncture. Doctor has him on bed rest as he can't sit or stand for very long. Been difficult getting through to his regular doctor and neurologist today. Waiting on outstanding test results. Poor guy asked me what Huntington's disease was because that is the latest test the doctor is sending in. I gave him a print out from wikipedia, and it freaked him out. We are seriously hoping and praying that that test comes back negative. Other than that, we are just trying to take care of each other. My back has decided it wants to start going out again. I have a physical therapist appointment next week.