Chiaroscuro

Joel pointed out that Scuro has been under represented on my blog recently. Chiaro is a wonderful cat. She is very aristocratic. (Reminds me of the Aristocats . . . Everybody, everybody, everybody wants to be a cat!) She has been a bit stressed lately. She doesn't recognize Ra with his cone on, so she hisses at him everytime he gets near. Other than that, she has taken a liking to my teddy bear Job. She mashes him while I sleep sometimes. She is still a spelunker and cherishes her time spent in the cave created by the covers. She relishes in the spot of sun she finds every morning behind the couch. Her other favorite places are on the chairs in the breakfast nook and the dining room. Come to think of it, I think she is really the only one who spends time in the dining room.

One of Scuro's favorite sayings:

"I will not give up my loaf. Not for you, not for anyone!"

And we have provided a side loaf for your viewing pleasure.

Parental Discretion Advised

Okay, so you are either reading my blog because you are someone I know or because you are a complete stranger and are curious. If you really don't want to know everything about me, you should just stop reading. I am not just going to always post Pam propoganda, so you are either going to have to love me with all of my flaws, or . . . get off my blog.

Ooh, that was mean, wasn't it? I am really not trying to be mean, but sometimes I feel like I have to censor myself because I don't want anyone to think badly of me. I am tired of always trying to hide things that are less appropriate to say. I know that a professional type person might come across my blog which may not be the best thing for my career. But here is the thing - I am human. They are human. We are all human. Some of us just show it more than others.

I tend to get more depressed when I am stressed. I have been stressed lately. It isn't about one thing or another - probably just a compilation of things. Sometimes I have a hard time saying no to things so I have less time for myself than I need to take. I think I have been upset with myself more than anything lately. 1) I am gaining weight. I need to lose about 5 pounds. 2) I have neglected going to church. 3) I can seem to find places where I can actually get more free time 4) My actions have not been inline with my beliefs.

In general, when I logically think about it, I am really proud of myself. I have accomplished a whole heck of a lot. However, more importantly, I have found the need for God and to seek good. Sometimes my logical and emotional reactions are different than each other. One tends to place more emphasis on the emotions they feel even if they aren't accurate. Geez, that is annoying. Hmm. I must do some research . . .

Survivors differ in their responses to assault/abuse. The long-term effects may be influenced by the severity of the assault, the survivor's existing coping skills, and the support the person has afterwards. Nevertheless, the following responses are experienced by many survivors:

• A survivor's self-esteem often diminishes after an assault or abuse. Frequently she feels shamed, humiliated, guilty, angry, and powerless.
• A survivor's attitude toward her body may be negatively affected. This change may lead to self-abuse (e.g., alcohol abuse, overeating, self-mutilation, etc.).
• A survivor may find it difficult to trust and to be intimate with others.
• A survivor may not want sexual intimacy for some time or may engage in risky sexual behaviors.
• A survivor may experience flashbacks of the incident.
• A survivor may experience fear of being alone and fear of a future attack.
• A survivor may experience nightmares or other sleep disturbances.
  
• A survivor may not be able to concentrate and focus. This can affect academic and/or job performance.
  
• There are many emotional problems emerging from the abuse, including inability to trust, perfectionism, phobias, avoidance of both intimacy and emotional bonding and more. The denial system that insured her survival as a child now prevents the survivor from enjoying an unencumbered adulthood.
• Another result of the conflicting messages of incest is that many victims confuse sex with affection and love. Many women will say, "The only time my father ever gave me any attention was in bed. I was special to him then. I felt loved." Since she desperately needs validation. She believes if someone has sex with her, then he automatically loves her. She has made an unfortunate mistake by confusing sex and love.

Okay, so maybe I am not crazy. I must focus on being logical:

Feeling: I have to be perfect to be loved. If there is anything wrong with me, people won't love me.
Truth: I am pretty awesome. I have issues, but so does everyone else. Most importantly, I have the desire to improve, learn, and change.

Feeling: Sex equates to love.
Truth: Yeah, sex with the person you love is a great thing. However, it can be just sex for some people. Sex will never make someone love me so I should never try to please someone sexually so that they will treat me well.

Feeling: I am fat.
Truth: I am fairly proportionate. There are other women who weigh less than me and wear larger sizes than I do that I think are skinny.

Feeling: I am always wrong.
Truth: No one is always wrong. It is okay if I make mistakes. It is okay if I assert myself. It is okay for me to protect myself. I shouldn't think that everything derogatory that is said about me is true while discounting anything good that has been said. I don't need other people to confirm that I am doing the right thing. I can have confidence in my own decisions. I have proven my abilities as well as anyone else.

Feeling: I have to pretend to be someone I am not and hide my thoughts and feelings in order to seem normal.
Truth: First of all, I have never been great at doing this (hence the blog you are currently reading). Second, the right people will be able to weigh through all the stuff that is me to see my worth. If they can't see it, then why worry about them? It is okay that other people choose to keep things to themselves. It is their way of dealing with their stuff. If I try to do something similar, I end up not being me.

Okay, no wait - I was about to apologize for everything I just wrote. Man, I have to stop doing that. I have this inherent fear that I am always going to get in trouble. Must stop doing that. Am I doing something wrong? I don't think so. However, if I am please feel free to discuss.

I am happy being me. I am so completely Pam. I am going whitewater rafting tomorrow. That will be good for my soul. I need to get out of the house for a little while. Things are getting better. I don't feel as much stress about Joel now that he can get around freely. Ra seems to be healing up nicely. I have this frolicky temptation to do something silly like dance naked in the rain. I can say I have done it once, but I guess there are two problems with that - one, it isn't raining. Two, I am much too modest these days. Instead, I will cuddle with a cat.

Sunfire

Joel and I went to a dealership, and we ended up getting him a brand new sunfire. He was able to get a pretty good deal considering he is currently unemployed. I think he was really excited to be buying his first car. I knew he was set on it because it was new. We were originally just looking at used, but the guy gave us a better deal on the new one. It had a better interest rate. I think it was one they had on the lot for a while. It was black so maybe they just wanted to see it go.

Whoa, it is two in the morning. I fell asleep on the couch which is in the hall upstairs. We were going to put it in the office when Joel got his futon, but I am not sure that it will fit. I have to get up early in the morning and read a whole bunch of journal articles, so I better get back to bed.

Sweet dreams.

Eventful Day in the Karr Household

Well, Ra came back from the vet today with no tail. Joel passed his driving test and now has his license. The women of the house are status quo.

Ideas

Okay, Kim requested that I give people some ideas for stuff for my birthday. Not quite sure, but I will come up with some stuff:

1) Home Depot gift cards
2) Victoria secret Pink (brand) bras size 36C
3) Tulips
4) Full or Queen sized sheets
5) Dainty earrings
6) Bike tire pump
7) The same wallet/bag I have now (located at Ellenton Outlet Mall) or very similar
8) Split key keyboard (gray)
9) HP Printer cartridges #94 and #95
10) One of those music server things Kim has for her computer. Not sure what it is, but it is cool.

Just Call Him Bob

So Ra decided to actually chew OFF the end of his tail last night. So Joel and I spent most of the morning trying to find a vet who could operate on him today. The vet recommended we just get his tail "bobbed" since he would probably just do it again if we just took off an inch. I feel guilty. I think I am stressing my cat out.

Hectic day, but I will write more later. I am in the library about to head to class. Besides, the battery in my laptop is starting to run low.

Hugs,
Pam

Bloody Tail

I could definitely say that I could not be any type of doctor. I held Ra while Joel rebandaged his tail. I almost threw up. Looks like amputation is inevitable.

Went to work and class today. Nothing very eventful happened. I have to say I am thankful for the guys I work with. You can tell there are some guys who are genuinely nice and care about me. I really like nice people. I am not good with dealing with people who are more coarse. For instance, Randy always asks me if he can pick anything up for me for lunch. Robert comes over and confides in me about his latest dating fiasco. Even when they pick on me, they say nice things more often than they say hurtful things. I don't really know anyone socially outside of work, but it is nice to know that there are personable people out there.

I hope that people think I am personable. I like being someone other people go to when they need help. I am not sure if I always am. At work, I notice some of the guys rather ask me to take a look at their code than to have one of the other guys look at it. I think they appreciate that I don't criticize them or make fun of them if they overlooked something simple. I have had ex-boyfriends ask to borrow money. Even though the whole Joel thing causes both of us a little stress, I think the ultimate reason Joel is here is because he knows that I am here for him no matter what and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt him. My family never asks me for any kind of help or support. I am not sure that will ever change. I must make an effort to be more available to my friends. Instead of expecting them to come to me if they need anything, I need to check on them and make sure everything is okay.

I really am not a saint. I know all the things I write sound pretty goody-two-shoes. The reason I write them is because I am trying to be better - not because I think I have achieved these goals. Muhammed really touched me the other day. I was fustrated and telling him that I was miserably and irrepairably broken. He told me that a big reason that he loves me is because I do have problems and because I do struggle. He said that I am beautifully human and that it is okay for me to be flawed. He said that everyone is. And he said that I just haven't found enough people who can love me for the good and the bad, but eventually I will.

It is funny when I think about it. I am more comfortable around the people who have seen me at my worst and loved me anyway than around the people who have seen me at my best and respected me. Of course people can respect the good things about each other. The hard part is smiling at someone's flaws.

For instance, Dave - he is always going to be extremely laid back and quiet. He is always going to be able to tell me very poetically over IM how much he loves and misses me. And when we actually get together, he will always not have much to say, and he will always fall asleep in the movies. I used to get fustrated with those things. I used to think, geez, you say you want to hang out with me, but when you do, you are so bored that you fall asleep. However, I can find the humor in it. I can still know that he loves me. And I can smile when I start to hear him snore before the opening credits have rolled by.

Joel - he is always going to embellish his stories. He is always going to tell a white lie and realize he did it then confess that he really did lock himself out of the house and it wasn't Ra. (No, I am not worrying about run-on sentences at the moment. He is always going to tell me too much information about his bodily functions, and he is always going to say inappropriate comments that I tend to reserve comment. It doesn't make me love him any less. In fact, I enjoy knowing that I can predict those things about him.

Liz - I know she is never going to take any advice I give her. I know that she will still keep calling me if something goes wrong. (And I call her in similar situations.) I know she likes to be disagreeable and contrary at times - for no particular reason. I think it is cute. We both know that spending a long period of time together might cause bickering, but I know that she will call me back any time I call her crying.

Tausha - She will always have the shortest attention span in the world. I am amazed that she has kept her dog Amber alive this long! She doesn't ever tend to do one thing for any extended period of time. One time I talk to her she is working at a vet, the next time Wal-mart, the next time a daycare, and the next time she is just staying at a hotel in California while Michael works. Certainly living her lifestyle would drive me nuts, but I accept it with her. I like calling and finding out what the heck is going on in her life now.

And the point is that I am not afraid that any of the people above are going to get mad at me for the things I just wrote. In fact, for a lot of the things, I know that most of them would whole heartedly agree with me. So the beauty is being able to love people and accept those type of things about them. And I know my true friends do the same for me. (You guys are awesome!)

Oh yeah, and Ra . . . he chews off his own tail, but he is still the greatest cone-headed cat in the world.

Good Morning

Control was never meant to be external; control is something you have, not something you exert.

I have never been a very good feminist. :-) Women should be strong, but a man should be the head of a relationship. I used to have a huge problem with this concept in the Bible. However, there was this great description of a marriage in Ephesions. (Did I spell that right?) A wife is like the church. The church worships, obeys, and respects Jesus. The husband is like Jesus, he cares for, rules, and loves the church. Why wouldn't the church worship Jesus who loved them so much that he was willing to die for them?

I have to leave for work in one minute . . . gotta go. Hugs.

Blogging in Blobs

I called Jason today. Completely, definitely not wanting to get back with him. (Just for the record.) I just figured enough time had passed to try to mend things a little bit. He and I were good friends, but we just weren't cut out for being a couple. Surprisingly he answered. I was expecting the answering machine. Things went about as well as expected. I feel better for at least making an effort.

I met Domi and Ty this weekend. They are soo adorable. Animals are amazing. There isn't a drop of evil in them. They are just pure love. Only God knows why He ever decided to create us.

Scuro is sitting at my feet. I guess I should say curled up. She is probably going to want to do some major mashing tonight. I will have to figure out what to do about Ra's tail soon.

I am twenty-five years old. Does that seem right? I will be twenty-six in less than two weeks. Time flies . . . regardless of whether or not you have having fun. What were you like when you were twenty-five? Ooh, let's see what my horoscope is for today . . .

Quickie:
Feel your emotions -- don't hold back. Whether good or bad, they shape who you are.

Overview:
Someone's developing drama may throw your personal rhythm off beat, which will require more patience on your part. Don't let this change throw your confidence off-guard, too -- you're still capable of making decisions on your own.

That's funny. Me, not feel my emotions? Heh, they don't know me very well, do they? I don't think I have been able to ignore anything my entire life! Well, that isn't completely true - I am pretty good at ignoring my phone most of the time.

I Need a Waterfall

My mind isn't focusing very well on what I need to be doing. I am not looking forward to the impending week, especially my long Monday and Tuesday.

Sometimes it would be easier if I didn't care so much about things. I want so many things to be good that just aren't going to be. I want to help people and fix things. My soul is too gentle. I have never been good at dealing with the harshness in this world. It is a weird thing. I think that I am a very strong person, but some things just crush me that don't affect other people. People often see me as agressive and self-confident. I think my strength comes with my unending appreciation for the good things in this world and the need to make things better. I'll never acclaim that I have ever been tough. In a lot of ways my strength comes from surviving in this world without being tough. I cling to a sense of idealism and hope that I don't want to give up. I refuse to have a broken spirit although it seems like I get pretty close sometimes. I believe in people. I know that humans aren't perfect, but God put us here together to take care of one another. It wouldn't make any sense if He were the only one who we could count on while He isn't here on Earth. What makes people unreliable is that we expect them to be and allow ourselves to be. It doesn't have to be that way. We don't have to settle on an existence of expecting other people to disappoint us. The hard part is that it has to start with me. I have to prove to people that I can be trusted. I have to be someone who doesn't let people down. I have to take the chance that I can completely open myself up and get hurt. No one else is going to do it first. Changing the world starts with me. There is no such thing as give-and-take. I just have to give without expecting anything back because that is the right thing for me to do. I need to do what I should do regardless of what anybody else does. I have to choose that for myself since I can't choose it for anybody else. I can change the world. I believe the only way for people to break out of this cycle of hurting one another and protecting themselves is for someone to just stop. Then someone else will be able to stop. And eventually, the world won't have to be such a harsh, cold place. It can be done.

WWJD

Yup, missed church again today. I did say some prayers though.

A verse comes to my mind:

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God."

I must remember to give thanks. God, I know that I tend to say "please" in my prayers more often than I say thank you. However, I do want to thank you. You have given me so many things. In some sense, I know I have worked very hard to get where I am. But I also know this world isn't fair, isn't kind, and isn't rewarding. Therefore, whether or not I deserve certain things makes no difference. What I have, I am going to attribute to your grace. In fact, I would go even as far to say thank you for the crucibles in my life. I remember when I was a more selfish, cynical, and mean person. I am no where near perfect, but I acknowledge that I have grown over the years to be more loving and gentle. I have good friends, good cats, a nice house, a good career and education . . . I couldn't ask for much more. I ask you to forgive me of my sins which I know isn't something I deserve. Do your will with me. I want to follow even though I am not very good at it sometimes. Don't give up on me yet. Through Jesus, Amen

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I have a paper to write tonight. I also have quite a bit to read. I am back home with my cone-headed cat, Joel, and Scuro. I had perogies for dinner.

Have you ever thought about this? . . . Humans are artifacts. You can look at each one of us and learn about something that has happened a time before now. The artifact could be a scar, an attitude, a fear, or a strength. Regardless of how it manifests itself, we are all living artifacts of the past. In a sense, we all must be athropologists who are trying to understand something in the past to understand the people before us right now. It is funny how each of us are who we are for some part because of something or in spite of something in our past.

One of My Favorite Poems

SOLITUDE

LAUGH, and the world laughs with you;

Weep, and you weep alone.

For the sad old earth must borrow it's mirth,

But has trouble enough of it's own.

Sing, and the hills will answer;

Sigh, it is lost on the air.

The echoes bound to a joyful sound,

But shrink from voicing care.

Rejoice, and men will seek you;

Grieve, and they turn and go.

They want full measure of all your pleasure,

But they do not need your woe.

Be glad, and your friends are many;

Be sad, and you lose them all.

There are none to decline your nectared wine,

But alone you must drink life's gall.

Feast, and your halls are crowded;

Fast, and the world goes by.

Succeed and give, and it helps you live,

But no man can help you die.

There is room in the halls of pleasure

For a long and lordly train,

But one by one we must all file on

Through the narrow aisles of pain.

Ella Wheeler Wilcox

THE HANGMAN - By Maurice Ogden (Another good one but too long to copy and paste)

Little Shop of Horrors

Joel and I just got from seeing The Little Shop of Horrors at one of the local theatres. It was really good. I didn't remember it ending like that, but maybe I am just getting too old to remember. It was hilarious trying to get back home though. Me being me and Joel just moving here himself, we couldn't retrace our steps because the police detoured us a different way. So we drove around aimlessly for a while trying to guess how to get home. Thank God for David's Bridal . . . that is where I got my bride's maid's dress for Pedro and Jamie's wedding. Well, we remembered how we got back home from there (which, by the way, was completely different than how we originally got there) so we were able to get home safely in the end. I can't attribute it to sense of direction, but I guess our method worked too.

I am leaving for Winston-Salem at around 3:30 PM tomorrow. All I have to say is that Todd and I better really like each other. I don't drive an hour and a half for just anybody.

I am going to get up in the morning and start reading what I have to get read for next week. Fun, fun.

Oh yeah, I got my hair done today. I will see if Joel can take some good pictures of me (tomorrow since I am about to go to bed tonight) with his new camera (still jealous).

G'night. And don't feed the plants.

Blueberry Pancakes

Well, Joel and I had blueberry pancakes for dinner tonight. We didn't see much to eat in the kitchen, so we said, sure - what the heck.

I found an article about Ra's condition. Still not sure what we are going to do.

I am getting my hair cut and highlighted tomorrow.

Not really in the mood to write much tonight.

Cheers,
Pam

Diagnosis: Self Mutilation

Okay, so Ra decided to chew off the tip of his tail. It wasn't dying this time. I think he just got hungry or stressed or something. Anyhow, it will probably end up costing me over $700 to get another inch of his tail amputated. I love my cat. He is the sweetest thing in the world, but he isn't the brightest.

Maybe I should have them cut it off a little higher just so he can't reach it anymore. I mean, what will be the use if he just does it again? What a freak.

I am sleepy. That is all I have to say for tonight.

Hugs,
Pam

Tongue Twister

Here is a tongue twister for you:

One smart fellow, he felt smart
Two smart fellows, they felt smart
Three smart fellows, they all felt smart

And here is the picture of the "three fellows" at the award banquet I attended last week. We all received $25,000 fellowship for our first year of PhD studies and tuition paid for the year also.

Don't Sweat the Small Stuff - and It's All Small Stuff

A chapter number I don't remember: Write a heartfelt letter

Dear Andrew,

I know you occassionally visit my blog, but I am not sure if you will ever read this. I know I haven't been the best friend lately. I see that you send me IM's, and I rarely answer. It isn't because I don't want to talk to you anymore. I think you are a really nice guy, and you were always a good friend. You will always be able to trust me with the secrets we have shared. I just want to thank you for being a consistent force in my life. Regardless of where I was or what I was doing, you always encouraged me, especially in my faith. Sometimes I distance myself from people when it makes it easier for me to distance myself from particular situations. Sometimes I think I distance myself because I might cause a negative impact on your life. I hope you can forgive me for disappearing every now and then. I am always going to be your friend, so if you ever need me let me know. I know it sounds like I am too busy, but I am never too busy when a friend really needs me. I promise I will resurface on occassion. I just wanted to let you know that I do think about you . . . and I do smile everytime you send me a funny picture. :-)

Agape,
Pam

Quasi-Experimental Designs

I finished my long Monday. After Tuesday, things should calm down again. I am going to see Todd this weekend. Hopefully I can help him get at least some of his stuff unpacked so he can feel more settled in North Carolina. I remember that I really appreciated it when Jason came over to help me unpack some of my boxes. I was feeling pretty overwhelmed. Besides, it will be nice seeing Todd. I haven't seen him since - sheesh, I don't even remember when. I think the 20-somethingth of August, so pretty much a month.

Have I mentioned recently how much dating sucks? It isn't the people that really makes it suck. I mean, it is just the process. I have gone on a bazillion first dates with decent guys. Most of them have nothing really wrong with them, but I am usually never enamored enough to go on a second date. I feel bad because the guys probably think I am a wench, but dating freaking takes effort. Then there are the people who think they really want to be in a relationship then decide that they don't once they are in one. I think we all have a little bit of this in us. Finding someone who loves us raises our self-confidence then we start to wonder if maybe we could do better. Sorry, I have decided that love should be a heuristic opposed to an optimal decision-making process. I don't have to find the best guy out there. I just want the right one - someone I love and who treats me well. I don't plan on using a guy as a trophy to say "hey, look what I got." People are too precious for that. I guess that is one of the problems with on-line dating. 1) You are probably pretty lonely since you have resorted to on-line dating 2) You finally find someone who isn't a freak 3) You are happy 4) Your confidence is inflated 5) You decide maybe you could do better 6) You easily have browsable access to an assortment of other suitors 7) You become disatisfied 8) You break up 9) Start process all over again.

I am never going to find someone who is perfect for me. Every guy I meet is going to have something that I probably deem a fatal flaw. But the misconception here is that no one ever said that a relationship was supposed to be perfect. You find the person who makes you happy and doesn't drive you stark-raving mad. Someone left a comment on my blog a while back - where is that guy? He said something about I was beautifully perfect in my imperfections. That was awesome. And I guess that is the essence of what I am getting at. You learn what the weaknesses of the other person are and love them anyway. If you can't do that, they aren't the right person for you. And if you can, then be thankful for what you have. I guess I am disillusioned because Hollywood romanticizes love so much. Now, people have unrealistic expectations. Do you know how many boyfriends I had who thought fight = break up? So, now you aren't allowed to be mad at someone, disagree, or have any weaknesses in order for someone to love you. Where is the loyalty?

No, I am not talking about Todd or Joel or Muhammed or whoever. I am just on a generalized soap box because this is my blog and I can.

Life and the Pursuit of Happiness

I cried today. That was fun. I am a chick. It happens. I finished up my homework earlier than usual, so I had a little free time on my hands. Joel and I went for some driving lessons in Pearl. He can only drive when the top is down since her visibility is pretty bad. We kinda had another spat today because when I was talking to one of the guys I met on-line, after I got off the phone, Joel said that I had been flirting with him. Now, there are two schools of thought about this. Some people think I always flirt while others think I never flirt. So who knows. Really I think the guy and I were just having fun being geeky. He is getting a MS in engineering management or something like that at UNCC and working. I was telling him how busy I am with everything I have been doing. It is nice to find someone in the same situation sometimes. Unlike me, however, he got his undergrad in religion and was going to be a youth minister.

Which reminds me, I have really been slacking about going to church. Randy from work asked me if I went last weekend. He tries to keep me honest. I have been having a hard time getting to sleep at night, so it has been even harder getting to church than usual. Also, I want to try out some of the other churches in the area. It is hard when it is just me. It would be easier if I had someone to bring with me. One of the guys who just started his PhD with me said that he and his wife go to a younger church group which is in this area. Maybe I will tag along with them some time.

I am feeling better. Truthfully, I was getting pretty darn irritable. I didn't know what the heck was going on with Todd and I, and I almost decided maybe we shouldn't see each other if I was just going to have a feeling like something was wrong but nothing was being said. So, being me, I decided to bring everything out in the open. It was good. We talked, and I think we figured out a little bit more about each other. We are dating but not exclusive right now. That is fine with me because it sucks having a boyfriend who is never around. So, we will get to know each other better and see what happens. Geez, it was great having a mature, adult conversation. I like just being able to talk and reason with people. I can handle most anything as long as I am not blind-sided and know what the heck is going on.

Actually, it is probably better this way. I tend to get into relationships where we fall in love way too quickly and things end up going badly in the long run. I think it is great for people to fall in love, but it helps when both people stay true to themselves. So many times people want to change to make the other person love them more. At the time, they are so in love that they think they can sustain it. However, even though people change all the time, I think it is better if they learn to love each other for who they are first. Obviously, I have a pretty strong personality and am pretty open. So people can catch on to what I want and who I am pretty quickly. I tend to not realize when someone is assimilating to be more like me to try to make me happy. I just think, hey, look at that, isn't it great that we have that in common. Then later on . . . . Doh, I didn't see that coming. I hate bad surprises.

So anyway, I am going to visit Todd this weekend. He is settling into his new place. Joel is taking his driving test on Monday. He was doing pretty good on the road today. I think I was more nervous just for the fact that he was driving my Pearl.

Next weekend, I am trying to plan a whitewater rafting trip. That should be fun.

Oh, and hey, Jim - you were going to come visit and go hiking. You better hurry up before it starts snowing in the mountains.

Kim and Tony - you need to come visit too.

People who need to call me and tell me how much they love me after they read this:

-Dave
-Ann
-Kenny
-Joel (just yell - hey, Pam!)
-Kim
-Pei-Jen
-Muhammed
-Pedro and Jamie
-Melanie and Adam
-Felicia
-Jim
-Francis (I don't think he reads my blog though)
-Liz
-Pete
-Chip

Isn't it great how I not only crave attention but demand it?

Oh, and Muhammed - this time I added some carriage returns when I vomitted on my blog. I don't want you to have to copy and paste it into Word again.

Hugs!
Pam

Daily Bread

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.

--Philippians 2:3-4

Late Night

I am not sure why I haven't been able to get to sleep lately. It definitely isn't because I am getting too much sleep. I had quite a few nightmares last night. I slept on the couch, and one of the nightmares I had was that I was screaming "no, no, no" and woke Joel up. He came doen and woke me up to see what was the matter. Then I dreamt that he came down again, and I thought that the first time was a dream, and he said it wasn't Then I really asked him once I woke up, and I found out that it all was a dream afterall. I also had a nightmare about Sean. Luckily, I haven't thought of him for a while. Those nightmares are the worst. Most of the time, I wish I never met him.

I have one more paper to write tomorrow. Otherwise, I should have some free time later in the day Thank God. I have a lot of reading to do, but I don't have to get it all done tomorrow.

Joel is doing well. He has been helping me out a lot around the house. I think I get irritated with him sometimes when he is trying to help me. Sometimes it is nice, but sometimes, I just want to be left alone. Of course, I can't expect him to know which time is which. I think things will be a little less stressful once he gets his license and car. I won't have the sense that I am making him stay here stranded while I study. I can't expect anyone to spend as much time working as I do. I have a lot going on right now.

Uncle Herb called me today. It was nice to hear from him. He called to let me know he got my thank you gift I got him for driving me around San Francisco.

I am still waiting to hear from Ann. I called her a few days ago, but I haven;t heard back from her. I miss hanging out. Even though we didn't know each other very long, I think we have the potential of staying close friends.

Hey, where is Liz? I sent her an e-mail the other day. Man, I really need to give people a call. I know I am really bad about not calling people (and not answering my phone). Must add to list . . .

Weird, me?

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

Muhammed, you HAVE to take this one.

Important

Some important things I have learned but tend to forget:

God is good.

Being happy is more important than being right.

The best leaders are those who serve.

The way someone treats you reflects on their character, not yours.

I don't have to be perfect to deserve to be loved.

D.H. Lawrence once wrote about the "Bitch-goddess Success." Remember that the pursuit of Success can sometimes interfere with having a meaningful life.

Be thankful.

Compliment people.

Don't interrupt conversations.

It is harder to to be humble than proud.

Love like you have never been hurt.

An Ode to my Blog Followers . . .

Some of you are friends
Some are strangers
Some are family
Some might be people I used to know
Or that I will know sooner or later
But all of you are welcomed to be part of my life
My Thoughts, my world
My success, my strife
I don't have much to say
But knowing that someone hears
makes everything okay
But who are you?
What am I to you?
Do you love me?
Did you love me?
Do I need to tell you I am sorry?
Or maybe that I am here to listen?
Or that I care . . .
I know some people wonder
What am I doing here?
Why do I feel the need to share?
Maybe that is just who I am
But if you are here, you probably already know that . . .

Visitors this week:

Charlotte,NorthCarolina

Daly City,California

Boulder,Colorado

Pleasant Hill,California

Dearborn,Michigan

SanFrancisco,California

Manassas,Virginia

Gainesville,Florida

Germantown,Maryland

Panama City,Florida

Dallas,Texas

Norman,Oklahoma

Nashua,NewHampshire

Morganton,NorthCarolina

Providence,Rhode Island

New York,New York

Lumberton,Mississippi

SantaféDeBogotá,DistritoCapital

Thousand Oaks,California

Los Angeles,California

Tampa,Florida

Little Rock,Arkansas

Albuquerque,NewMexico

Bronx,New York

Ft. Worth,Texas

Bluetooth

Yay! I got my new laptop to sync with my phone using bluetooth today. It is very awesome. I have moved most of my stuff over to my laptop already. I plan to sell Phoenix once I am sure I have everything, but I am in no rush because Joel's computer hasn't come in yet. We have been fighting over who stays logged in to Yahoo.

Work is going well. I changed my schedule:

Monday: Work 9AM-5PM, Class 6:30PM - 9:30PM
Tuesday: Work 10AM - 1PM, Class 2PM-3:30PM, 6:30PM-9:30PM
Wednesday: Work 8:30AM - 4PM
Thursday: Study!
Friday: Class 3PM-4PM

I think that is much better than I had originally anticipated. I am still very busy, but it isn't as overwhelming. The biggest problem is with those late running days. I get home and have a hard time falling asleep because my mind won't shut down. Pam gets grumpy when she is sleepy.

I wish I had lots of money and time. I am exicted about my house, but I want to be able to spend more time decorating it. It is neat. OOOHHH, I think Joel is making peanut butter cookies. I almost forgot about those! I hafta go!

Retaliation

Okay, I just browsed my sister's blog, and I have some getting even to do:



Ah, the benefits of Photoshop. Kim dressed us up like clowns . . . 49er fans, but still clowns.


















Okay, is it Kenny or Cartman who dresses up like me in the background? The funny thing is is that we are still in Florida in this picture. Love Kim's feathered bangs.

















Another 80's picture.


















"Ball with Legs." Kim almost killed me right after this picture. She went to take a picture, and I threw her the ball. Oops.















And, I posted a few updated pictures of my house on my yahoo pictures.

Fellowship Reception

I received a fellowship of $25,000 for my first year of PhD studies plus free tuition for the first year. I went to the reception for the fellowship today. There were two other PhD students awarded in engineering and mathematics. I was the only one from the US. Sometimes I take things like this for granted. I mean, this was a big honor, and I kind of almost forgot about the banquet until I saw it on my Outlook calendar for the day. I guess I realize how thankful I should be when all these people are making such a big deal out of it. The managers of the company giving the award along with the Provost, Chancellor, etc. of the university were there. Yeah, I didn't know who any of the people were. I was just thinking to myself, you know, I am really not that smart to deserve so much attention. Sometimes I am scared people will realize that I am not that special. I know I have a lot of determination and do what needs to get done, but I don't see myself as any better than anyone else. I am thankful for the award and everything that has gotten me to where I am today, however. I got to dress up which was nice. I had a huge zit which wasn't so nice.

Anyway, I am going to work on setting up my new laptop. I will probably sell this one once I have everything in working order.

Hi Dave!

To Blog or Not to Blog

My aunt read my blog the other day so she sent me an e-mail telling me that I shouldn't sound so sad. I guess my writing doesn't always focus on how happy I am. Of course, most of the time you don't tend to count your blessings in your journal. I try to sometimes.

My office is a wonderful shade of mint hint. Joel did a great job. I got a new laptop today, but it is going to be a while until I can move everything over to it.

I have been doing a lot of reading and writing of papers, so I have probably been less active on my blog recently. I should take some pictures of the house and post them.

How is everyone else doing?

Cat Portraits

Joel and I took portraits of the cats today to put them in the frames my mom got me. I would post them, but I just got done writing a paper, and I have to be at work at 9 AM in the morning. We went by Home Depot today. We also went to the grocery store. I am teaching him how to cook. We had hamburgers, mac and cheese, and green beans for dinner tonight.

Lots of things are happening here lately. Ann seems like she is having some issues since she has moved to Las Vegas. She is still planning on buying a house and staying there. Jess had two men fighting over her, and she is now officially dating Brian. Amy still hasn't called to let me know that she didn't die in the hurricane. Muhammed is talking to a girl. Kirk is dating Sharon in PA. Joel will be getting his license in the next month. What else? Kenny just flew back from a horrible date he had in Ohio. Dave has graduated from UF. Last I heard, Ryan was actually dating someone. As always, people are changing and things are happening.

I am pretty busy. I like the PhD program. It is challenging which is kind of nice. There is a ton of reading which is a little too much for my busy schedule. However, I think I will be able to make it. It has been nice because Joel has been helping fix up the house. Everyone knows how particular I am about my house. I adjusted my work schedule, so I have the possibility of an occassional 4 day weekend. Money is pretty stable right now. I just opened up an account with Ameritrade so now I just have to figure out where to invest. My love life is kind of slow right now, but I am not too worried about it. Either Todd will get back in the country and things will be good, or I will be back on the dating scene. I don't intend to stop dating because Joel is here. I know it will be difficult for us, but I think we love each other enough that we will get through it. Either that, or we will kill each other trying. :-)

I still need to send out some thank yous for my California trip. I have had so much on my list lately that some things have fallen off. I want to get my hair done too. My highlights are starting to look freaky so maybe I will get them redone. The Little Shoppe of Horrors will be in town starting next week so I am going to get tickets.

I want to go on a weekend trip soon, but it will have to wait until someone else can drive so I can read on the commute. You seriously cannot imagine how much reading I have to do. However, being the nerd I am, I kinda enjoy it.

G'night.

Do the ends justify the means?

You Are Somewhat Machiavellian

You're not going to mow over everyone to get ahead... But you're also powerful enough to make things happen for yourself. You understand how the world works, even when it's an ugly place. You just don't get ugly yourself - unless you have to!

How Machiavellian Are You?

25 Going on 30

You Are 30 Years Old

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe. 13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world. 20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences. 30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more! 40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

Questions

Joel and I have been playing a traditional game of questions. However, once you have known someone for 11 years, there isn't much to ask anymore. We went to Target and picked up a few things. I have an article I have to read before I go to bed. We both bought plane tickets to go down to Tampa for Thanksgiving. I think we got tickets for November 23-27. I will probably try to spend Thanksgiving with my mom somehow. Pedro and Jamie are getting married that weekend. It will be nice to see all my friends.

I ordered a new Dell laptop. My current laptop has been renamed to Phoenix since it crashed and died before I moved to NC. Luckily, Pedro and I were able to revive it.

I opened an Ameritrade account. Now I need to find someone to help me figure out how I should invest my money. Right now, it is just sitting in the bank or in a CD. I am way too risk adverse for my age.

I am sad because I have been too busy to hang out with Muhammed lately. He has also been very busy with school and daughter. Hopefully my new work schedule will be better for me having a life.

My exboyfriend Jim might come up to visit sometime. He is fond of the mountains like I am so maybe we would take a trip to the Smoky's. However, he said he was going to come up to help me move into my house and that didn't happen. So I won't believe it until he has plane tickets!

I bought a scale today. I haven't gained as much weight as I had feared. I have been eating more now that I cook to feed Joel. When it is just me, I tend to forget to eat. I guess I started that trend when Jason and I were dating. He would always complain that I never got around to eating until 10 PM. Oooh, I also bought new curtains. I just couldn't take the hot pink curtains in my bedroom anymore. The new curtains match the art perfectly. The only thing is that I was too lazy to wash them before putting them up so they are pretty wrinkled.

My office is looking awesome. We bought paint to paint it, so it will look even better when the walls are mint hint! Yay! The livingroom wall looks great, but I do have to figure out what colors to paint the rest of the walls.

Only Child?

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

The Birth Order Predictor

Kissing

You're a Romantic Kisser

For you, kissing is all about feeling the romance You love to kiss under the stars or by the sea The perfect kiss involves the perfect mood It's pretty common for kisses to sweep you off your feet

What Kind of Kisser Are You?

Pam

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to good manners and elegance. In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred. In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

Oh, This is Classic

Your Ideal Relationship is Marriage

You've dated enough to know what you want. And that's marriage - with the right person. You're serious about settling down some time soon. Even if you haven't met the person you want to get hitched to!

What's Your Ideal Relationship?

Actually, they are pretty much on target

Your Power Color Is Indigo

At Your Highest: You are on a fast track to success - and others believe in you. At Your Lowest: You require a lot of attention and praise. In Love: You see people as how you want them to be, not as how they are. How You're Attractive: You're dramatic flair makes others see you as mysterious and romantic. Your Eternal Question: "Does This Work Into My Future Plans?"

What's Your Power Color?

Secret Agent Man

Today was the typical busy day. I have a lot to do, and I am on a tight schedule. Never seem to make picking up the dry cleaning a priority.

I need more female friends. I am going to start going on the dating sites again and finsing interesting chicks. However, I will have to just flirt with them because I am too cheap to subscribe to anything. Then, they will probably just get weirded out. Jess and Kassie are really my two female friends in Charlotte. Jess and I take turns getting tied up with men. Kassie and I take turns getting swamped with school work. Must find more uncomplicated female friendships.

Yay, we bought mint hint paint for the office today. Geez, Ra is snoring like crazy. That cat needs some breathe right strips or something!

I wore a skirt and heels to my meeting on campus today. I had my comvertible top down, and radio turned up. I was chillin'. (Yeah, that isn't Pam vocab, but we will go with it.) It is actually cool outside. I definitely have not gotten used to the weather here!

Life is full of interesting things.

Down Time

I have some down time between classes. I need to make a bazillion copies, but I am going to wait just a little bit before I start doing that. Joel had his first driving lesson today, and he didn't run into the house. I am happy about that. He should be able to get his license in the next few weeks. The talk I had with Muhammed last night went pretty well. Like usual, we laughed a lot. I talked to Todd today. It is hard to date a guy when he is in Germany! I pretty much won't see him for about a month total. I dislike long distance relationships. Hopefully it won't feel so long distance when he actually lives in the same state. I want to be in a well-defined relationship where the guy knows I am what he wants. (I know that some guys out there might be saying "well, I do know!") I guess I have to qualify that statement by saying the guy has to be what I want too. (Not meant in a bad way) I know it takes time. I just dislike ambiguity. I like knowing how it is so I can act accordingly. Sometimes I can care less about the actual outcome than just knowing what the outcome is. I like making decisions and moving forward. People tend to overstate good news and delay bad news. You never know if you are making the right choice, so why flip flop about it? Make a decision and follow it to its conclusion. One thing about me is that I know what I want. Of course, I might be completely wrong for wanting what I want, but I am pretty clear as to what it is I want. I don't date more than one guy at a time. I tried that before, and it just gets really messy. It doesn't make sense to set yourself up in a situation where you know at least one person will eventually get hurt. I am in a tough situation right now because I have a lot going on. I simply don't have time for games. I need mature, stable relationships where I can just enjoy the other people. I don't want to worry because I have too much else to do. I guess I can be way too matter-of-fact. Right now, I am worried about Joel. I told him "let's talk" yesterday and just told him how things were. He has to decide if that is something he can handle. The talk went well. I think we are handling things in a healthy way. Communication is the key. Neither one of us are doing anything wrong. I don't have time to worry about him, but I know I have the responsibility to do my part in our friendship. I can only control my own actions and expect others to be able to control their own. However, I tend to realize the burdens of others and want to fix them. Joel, can I stop worrying about you now? Muhammed, I am not worrying about you. You are reggae dancing with girls and (jealous hmmph) driving them around. I think I am getting grumpy because I am a very social person, and I have been too busy to really spend much time socializing. And when you can't talk to the person you are dating but are being faithful, that means the number of people you are talking to diminishes. Okay, footnote - I am not mad or fustrated at Todd and the paragraph above has not much to do with him directly than just thoughts about me. Todd is fine. Todd and I are fine. I am a bit stressed though. I am going through a transition period where my schedule and life have completely changed - again. I am juggling, but I will feel better once I get to the point where everything is streamlined. Generally, I like change so don't worry too much. I like having a lot to do because it means I will have a lot accomplished. I'm doing well. I need to spend some time with friends. Some simple time. Nothing where I have to guard what I say or worry about other people's feelings. Time where we can laugh and have fun and just be alive. I think you have to be able to deal with the heavy stuff, but it is also needed to be able to just enjoy the people in your life and rejoice in their presence.

Postscript

Okay, I have never been one to "check out" guys. In fact, I am usually pretty oblivious. However, I have discovered two types of movie personas that I find pretty darn sexy:

First, it the cool, calm, collected, don't mess with me type. I think I am attracted to this type because no one would mess with me if he was my boyfriend!

Second, (not necessarily in this order) is the romantic, hunky, let me read Shakespeare to you type. Can a man that cute really have a brain and treat a woman well?

Dreamy sigh.

Anyway, Joel and I went to see Transporter 2 tonight. I liked it very much even though it was even less realistic than the first movie. I think I am into action flicks as long as they have some plot. Muhammed wants me to call him before I go to bed tonight, so I better finish up soon. I have to take a few minutes to collect myself because he is going to be all deep and profound on me. I have to prepare.

My mom called tonight. Ra keeps chewing on his tail. I think the tip of it might be dying again. I made chicken enchiladas and beef and bean burritos this weekend. I froze them (probably 8 total) to bring for lunch during the week. I had previously bought some of those 59 cent burritos from the store, and I decided I could do much better.

Starting another busy week tomorrow. I am going to work from home and go to class. Tomorrow is my busiest day this week so the rest of the week shouldn't be that bad.

Pictures!

Pam and Joel (Not seen in picture - Pam setting timer on camera and running to be in the picture. Notice the wall. Isn't it great?):




A classic Pam shot taken at Kirk's potluck:



Another classic Pam picture (Caught by surprise thanks to Joel. I called this "Pam the PhD student"):

Labor Day

I finished up most of my reading today, so I am going to a movie this evening. Nothing too eventful has been happening today. The ducks just landed in the pond.

So Joel just put his friend Pat on the phone with me to try to convince me to marry Joel. Some things never change. Impending talk with Joel . . .

I need to get a bit more reading done today.

Do Da Do

I like to assume that people are good; I am scared that they are not. I have been hurt a lot in the past, and tend to worry that the rest of my life is a hold out sample in proving that the past will accurately predict the future. However, at least so far, I haven't let that stop me in believing in the best out of people.

I expect a lot out of myself - moreso than anyone else. As most, I am always my worst critic. Therefore when others criticize me, sometimes it acts more as discouragement than a kick in the pants.

I expect people to communicate their emotions and needs. I expect people to tell you pertinent information and to not lie. I don't expect people not to leave, but I expect the leaving should not be a surprise. I expect people to understand what they are thinking and feeling. If they don't know, then they will never be able to explain it to someone else. I expect people to set acceptable boundaries for themselves instead of doing something that makes them uncomfortable until they eventually snap. I expect people to hurt me, but I expect the hurt to be respectful, not spiteful. Someone can hurt you because they have to. They shouldn't be faulted for that. However, if they hurt you because they want to or because it makes things easier for them doing it in a way that causes you more harm, that is unacceptable. I expect people to give each other the benefit of the doubt. I expect people to also see the good in me and others. I guess I expect a lot out of other people too.

Anyway, I have one more article for which to write a critical summary. I will do that in the morning. I think I will turn in tonight with my text on Corporate Information Strategy and Management. Fun, fun.

Oh, BTW - Joel drove today. Although I only let him drive to the pool and back, he did pretty good. He starts his driving lessons on Tuesday.

I am going to write down my prayers before bed. My journal has often turned into a prayer book. I tend to let my mind wonder when I am praying to myself. However, if I write it down, I am able to better consolidate my thoughts. I have had a journal for the majority of my life. This particular journal was started in October of 2004. A lot has happened since then.

Latest Searches to Find My Blog

pam
pam's pie factory
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Pretty random, huh?

Soak up the Sun

Joel and I went to the pool for a few hours today. I brought some really dense reading materials - IT research journal articles - and Joel brought a novel by Stephen King. (I am so jealous!) I guess I lost track of time because I came back with a fairly decent sunburn. We got out my new cucumber mellon body cream and tried to prevent future peeling. We just came back from the store. I put together a pizza and have set Joel to the task of watching it cook.

I am about to write three papers to summarize three of the articles I read. After that, I have about 250 pages to read in my text. It shouldn't be as dry as the article reading. I should be able to get through that pretty quickly. Whoa, you know it is bad when you are looking forward to reading a textbook.

Todd won't be back in town until the 24th or something like that. My cuddle quota is seriously not being met this month.

Poor Joel. I have deprived him of food all day. He must be starving. There isn't much of the boy to let attrition.

Muhammed came over last night. So he and Joel watched me file away paperwork and rework my calendar. It was kinda sad. I feel like a bad hostess, but I just have a lot of stuff to get done. Once I get into a routine, things will be better.

Talked to Ann yesterday and Jeanne today. It is always refreshing to have friends who are very much like you. It makes you realize that although you are unique, it doesn't mean you are crazy.

Must start writing a critical summary of quadric algorithms for something-or-another.

Naps

I love naps. I dropped Auntie Dora and Doug off at the airport this morning. Joel and I ran some errands, and I took a really long nap. Yay.

I have to migrate to the office eventually and figure out what exactly I have to read this weekend. I don't have class on Monday so I only have to worry about what I need to have done for Tuesday classes.

I was a little grumpy today and so was Joel. So we got a little catty today. However, like we always do, we made up fairly easily. He is on the phone with his friend in Ashville right now. No one calls me anymore. :-(

I am bidding on the soundtrack to Les Mis. I loved the book and the musical.

Muhammed, where are you? I don't think we have hung out since Joel got here. Now, you take him out bowling - I'm jealous. Get your butt over here.

We almost ran out of gas today. The gas station near me is out of gas. And gas is really expensive! Pearl's gas light was on, but we luckily found a gas station. However, they only had regular gas. Pearl had to settle for that - not sure if she is going to complain about that.

Even with the gas costing so much, I am really getting antsy to take a trip to the mountains. I need to catch up and get ahead with my reading so I can disappear for a while.

Pamela Jean Karr

Some Stuff:

Pam's Weak Points:
1) obsessive about making lists
2) impatient
3) grind my teeth at night
4) high cholesterol
5) think too much
6) aiming or catching
7) nightmares at night
8) demanding
9) insecure
10) too direct
11) stress
12) high maintenance
13) picky
14) kinda boring
15) interrupts people

Some Good:
1) caring
2) responsible
3) driven
4) hard-working
5) honest

Your Tour Guide, Pam

We went to Concord Mills, Charlotte Museum of History (and a walking tour of the Alexander house), to the Camden Art Festival, and out to eat today. The four of us (Auntie Dora, Doug, Joel, and myself) piled into my car. I actually was the driver today.

Charlotte doesn't have as much to do as there was stuff to do in Tampa Bay. I will have to try to plan some fun stuff. I want to take a trip to the mountains soon. Cuddling up in a tent can be very . . . romantic. Of course, Todd would need to get back in town first. Probably not a good idea to cuddle up with someone else.

As most people know, Joel is my best friend, but he would also like to be more. I love him, but I never felt that way about him. Now, it would be even harder to feel that way about him because of his friendship. I don't know what I would do if we weren't friends anymore. I have a feeling that he won't stay here very long even though he is welcomed here. Of course, he will read this so it isn't something I am hiding from him. I worry because I want him to be happy. He is very sweet and attentive to me. Sometimes I feel bad because I don't do sweet things for him because I don't want him to misinterprete my actions. I let him know how grateful I am for everything he does, but sometimes I don't feel like it is enough in return.

I thought about Jason some today. We were so completely different, but we did have some good times together. I just want to call him and make up . . . not date, but just have him not hate me. However, I know that I need to just leave things alone. I think me contacting him would be disruptive to how he dealt with the whole thing.

Last I knew, Todd and I were still seeing each other. He called from the Ukraine, and we talked a bit yesterday. However, I am not assuming anything right now. He seems like a pretty good guy, but I really don't know him that well. I don't know who was in his life before me. I don't know his friends. I don't even know his dogs! I would like to get to know a lot more about him. However, I am hestitant because of the whole getting hurt/disappointed. My assessment so far: I think we would make a snyergistic couple. He is smart and competent. He is probably the first guy I have dated who is actually more well off than I am. (Yet 9 years older!) He wants kids. He likes to travel. He is pretty normal. Although he can be snooty, he can also be down-to-earth. He does tend to play a little macho. He doesn't like to show his weaknesses. He is very independent - both of his parents have passed away. He is self-conscious about his looks, but he is handsome. He is very confident about his intellect though. I like him.

I could be completely off with my opinions about people, but I do enjoy analyzing people. I analyze myself all the time!

I talked to my ex Jim he other day. He actually called me this time. He is seeing an Asian woman (big surprise) but doesn't seem to be very into her. I think he is a good guy, but he doesn't know how to make himself happy. He does know how to work all the time. He is very cute and smart so once he is ready to settle down (which I think might not happen), he won't have a hard time finding a girl to settle down with. I was really mad at him for being a punk for a while, but then everything Sean did completely over-shadowed what happened with Jim, so I wasn't mad at him anymore. We chat occassionally. He still calls me "cute girl" which I like.

I talked to my friend Ann on the phone a few days ago. She had her 30th birthday a week or so ago. She moved to Las Vegas to be with her boyfriend. I think she is happy, but I don't know how everything is going to turn out with that. I am glad she has family out there because moving across the country like that is a big sacrifice. I miss her a lot. I want to go visit her in Las Vegas, but I need to make sure everything is going smoothly this semester before planning any big trips.

I heard from my friend Felicia the other day. She has as good of luck with men as I do. She is going to be graduating soon. Maybe once she graduates, she can come visit. I always had fun going out dancing with her.

As you can tell, I am thinking a lot about people right now. They are important to me. I think about the people affected by the hurricane in New Orleans. I know they must really be going through hell. I know that I was this time last year. We think we are so great and powerful (humans) but our lives can be turned upside down in less than a day.

Pei-Jen is looking for a new job. He is thinking about coming to Charlotte since he has another friend here too. It would be neat for him to be out here. I haven't hung out with him since high school. I saw him once when I went to a conference at Carnegi-Melon, but it was just for a day or so.

Well, my guests are watching news coverage on the devastation in New Orleans. Luckily the reception isn't that bad today since I don't have cable. We were going to see Menopause the Musical, but I think we are just going to stay in tonight. They have to get on a plain fairly early in the morning.

So what is the news with you?

Auntie Dora and Doug

My aunt and cousin are in town. We are going site-seeing in Charlotte tomorrow. We went to see a band play tonight. Just a random thought, the sexiest thing a guy can doi for a girl is play the guitar and sing to her.

Sleepy. Going to bed. My tummy is full of chocolate cake.

Pam!