Dear God

Thank you for my friends. Thank you for reminding me that life is good. Thank you for the ability to laugh, love, and take care of one another. Please forgive me for forgetting to be thankful and forgetting to thank you more often. Life is hard, but I guess it wouldn't be so worthwhile if it weren't. I don't really understand any of it, but I know that You do. Thank you for making me realize when I am feeling sorry for myself that there are people who are worse off and I have the ability to make a difference in their lives. Please give me the strength to be able to do so. This is truly a crazy, beautiful world. Sometimes the ugliness blurs things, but it has to exist so that the beauty can resurface and we see it for what it is. Sometimes I feel like I am the only one who doesn't know what the heck they are doing. Now that completely freaks me out. Then I realize through just a glimpse in someone else's eyes that they feel that way too. Maybe they are just better at hiding it than I am. In any event, it makes us all the same. I think, deep down, we are all searching for You.

My heart is racng tonight and making it hard to sleep. Might be from diet Pepsi at two in the morning, or it might be from all the thoughts racing around in my head. Regardless, it is a perfect time to spend some time alone with You. There are so many people who need You. I know I tend to focus on my own needs because I know first hand what they are, but I see small parts of what other people need. It is funny how the desires of people's hearts can be seen with small interactions. I ask that You take those most deperate needs in all of us, and fill them. A major task, but nothing You are incapable of. If I ask much of You, it is because I know You are truly the only one who is capable . . . Please, take care of them all. Please, impress upon us to take care of each other.

How do I seek You?? It is something I want to do, but I am not sure how it is done. I have always been strong on determination. That more than anything has gotten me where I am. I know how to get most things myself, but I don't know how to find You. Where are you? How can I find You while I am here? You ask me to dimiss my own agenda to follow yours, but how do I do that when I am not quite sure what it is?

So many questions? I know sometimes I sound beligerent. It is my fustration because I know I am not doing good enough. It is hard for me to accept that I can't be good enough for You. Why should You love me then? Your grace. It doesn't make sense. I don't understand unconditional love. I have tried to love others that way, but truthfully, sometimes, it just hurts too much. So how do You do it?

God, I pray for You. I know You are omnipotent and everything, but geez, you must get lonely sometimes. Even if you are surrounded by angels and those who have already come to join You, it must be lonely being You. No one understands You. There is no one to take care of You. It must be reall hard. Is that part of the reason You created us? It doesn't make sense that we are all just some huge science project.

I want You to hold me. You saved us once, but we really need saving every day.

Through Jesus,
Amen . . . Let it be.