Life Changes

Everyday, life changes. It is funny how so many people are opposed to change without realizing change happens all the time. So, by being adamant against change, change happens without their cognitive awareness. Why not embrace change so that you can be an agent of the change instead of just a victim?

My doctor told me I gained 7 pounds this year. I know I gained more than that last year. I need to go on a diet. Sigh.

I am sniffly today. I can't get sick right now. I have too much to get done. I am going to try to go to bed early tonight and actually get some sleep.

I Put on Jeans Today

The last few days, I have been working from home. On Monday, I actually worked from bed the whole day. However, I got quite a bit done. Today, I ventured out in the world and actually put on some real jeans. I met my friend Bennet for dinner at Olive Garden.

It is 11 PM, and I am about to go to bed. I have office hours in the morning, and I have the feeling I am going to have a lot of frantic students coming by to talk to me about their final projects. Maybe I should just have them writemy research paper for me, and they will stop complaining . . .

I always end up doing Christmas shopping at the last minute because the semester ends mid-December. I love being able to buy and ship everything on-line. That is my only saving grace. Shoot, I can't wait until it is acceptable to send thank you e-mails instead of notes. I still have to send my Auntie Es and Uncle Herb a thank you for my birthday gift.

I am a bit grumpy right now. My last conversation with Mark didn't go that great. We are both so darn temperamental. Huh, I just found out temperamental had two a's in it.

I better get to bed. I haven't been sleeping well lately, and I am in semester crunch time. G'night.

. . . Just my luck, Blogger is down for its 8 PM PST maintenance. Luckily it retained my post so I will have to post it again in a few minutes.

Three Hours Behind

I think I am still on California time. I am not asleep! I am sleepy, but I am not tired. Weird how that works. I am stressed with the end of the semester coming up. I should be doing more work. I am being pensive tonight instead.

It is amazing how much we can do . . . I mean, we all think that we don't have much to offer, but in reality others' needs are so basic that a simple smile toward a stranger could do wonders. Just because we isolate ourselves and tend to associate with like-minded and stationed individuals, sometimes we forget that we can do so much.

LAX to CLT

I made the trip back from Los Angeles to Charlotte today. It actually went by quicker than normal. Kirk picked me up from the airport with a date in tow. I was met at the front door by an anxious Scuro and Ra. Home.

Thanksgiving break was good. It was good to spend the week with Mark. We bought a partially baked turkey for Thanksgiving and finished it off with some green brean casserole, mashed potatoes, stuffing, cranberries, and pumpkin pie. I love Cool Whip (no - that isn't innuendo).

So I have about 2-3 weeks to finish up the semester. I am going to be in a crunch to get everything done and put in the hours at work. I am going to get some sleep tonight and probably work a little late tomorrow night. Hopefully I can get back on Charlotte time pretty quickly.

I hear that tomorrow is Cyber Monday . . . not sure if that means exciting deals, but I will definitely check out some of the e-storefronts to see. I haven't done any Christmas shopping.

Anyhow, just wanted to return to the world of blogging. Hugs and good night.

131

I just took a tickle IQ test and scored 131. What does that mean? Very confusing.

My boyfriend is in a bad mood at work today. I am at his place listening to the freeway. I think I might eat a Reeses in a minute with a Diet Pepsi.

Goldilocks

I feel like Goldilocks. After I woke up this morning, I was trying to find a place in Mark's condo where I could get some work done. First, I tried the living room couch. I had a blanket with a book (called the Bachelor's Pad) with a place mat on top of it for my mouse pad. My feet were propped on the coffee table. They started to promptly fall asleep, and my mouse kept sliding off the makeshift pad. So then I set up in the office. This didn't work out because the desk is too high for me to type comfortably. Then I tried setting up on the kitchen couch (where normal people would have a breakfast nook, Mark has a couch). That didn't work because the table was too low. I got this huge body pillow to try to sit me up far enough to type. That didn't last very long. Finally, I have taken residence in the dining room (from the looks of it, has never been used). The chair is a bit uncomfortable, but at least the table is at an okay typing level. I hear the traffic roaring on the Interstate below me. Mark left the TV on for me since I would never be able to figure out how to turn it back on. Not quite home.

I did my statistics final project today. Hopefully it is something like my professor expects. Tomorrow, I need to continue on with my literature review. I need to print some stuff out tonight. Mark is going to hate me. I use at least a printer cartridge a month. I can't read all these PDFs on my computer; my eye sight is bad enough as it is.

I am going to shower before Mark gets home. I am in his pajama bottoms and a tank top. I have eaten pop tarts, popcorn, and reese's cups today.

Morning

I just finished the exam review for my class. They are going to be annoyed that I didn't post it on-line, but they are supposed to be in class so they will have to deal with it.

I just read this article from the Wired RSS I thought it was very true for a lot of people including myself. I thought it was cool someone actually admitted it. I don't think people research their ex's necessarily to get back together. I know for myself, sometimes it is just a way to deal with how someone who used to be your best friend is now a complete stranger. Plus, I am competitive and want to get married before all my ex's. ;-)

I am pretty easy to find on the Internet. My blog or my personal home page comes up at the top of the search engines as long as you use my last name. Yeah, I still haven't beaten out Pamela Anderson on the search engines yet. I am working on it.

Anyway, class starts in about an hour. I am tired. I plan to end class early because I am supposed to catch a plane at 4:20 PM. I haven't finished packing . . .

Double Argh

Something is wrong with me. My neck and ears feels warm like when something really bad has happened. My heart feels like it is beating too fast. I am antsy. My chest is tight, and it feels hard to breathe. I'm not sure why.

In general, today was okay. I worked some of my literature review on a topic that I don't find completely boring. I went to class from 2 PM - 8 PM. I made spaghetti for lunch and ate at Boston Market for dinner. I am listening to the country music radio station. The cats are laying on the bed. Nothing good or bad has happened today.

Still, this is how I feel.

Left Brained

It makes sense that I am mostly left brained because I am completely right sided. I read somewhere once that we are cross-wired like that. Is that true?

You Are 70% Left Brained, 30% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

Rain

The house just shook with a thunder clap. I quickly began scanning the house in my mind for electronics plugged directly into power outlets. Ah, the joys of being a responsible adult. Part of me wants to just go sit under the willow tree in the rain. I bet it must be cold outside. I remember dancing naked in the rain once when I was younger. I can't say that I was ever young and carefree. But I have definitely been younger before.

I never really thought about where I would be when I was 27. I guess part of me thought I would be a mom or a soon-to-be mom.

I am trying to recall where I was on each of my past birthdays. It is kinda hard to do:

27 - Spent with Mark in Charlotte. Went to the Melting Pot.
26 - Spent with Joel in Charlotte. Went to Longhorn. (Went to the Melting Pot the next day)
25 - Spent with Sean, friends, and family in Clearwater. Went to the Melting Pot.
24 - Spent with Jim in Tampa. Went to Busch Gardens.
23 - ? Spent with family in Gainesville. Went to Melting Pot. ?
22 - Spent at St. Augustine beach alone. There was a thunderstorm.
21 - Spent in Gainesville with Ryan and family. I think we went to Hop's.

I can't remember very much anymore. My birthday and Valentine's Day are getting mixed up in my head. I like holidays and making sure to spend them with people you love and to make them as special as possible. I guess I count my birthday as my own personal holiday.

Marvin and I are going downstairs for the night. I will have to kick Ra and Scuro out of the office as well.

Ways to Get Happy

1) Get at least one paper published soon
2) Find a small group to attend for fellowship/Bible study
3) Go to church more often
4) Exercise
5) Save money for retirement
6) Find more fellowship money
7) Get skinny again
8) Shop for new clothes
9) Volunteer over the holidays
10) Catch up with close friends

All's Quiet . . .

Everything has been so freaking quiet today. No emails, no phone calls, no IMs. I am addicted to over communication, and I am hurting here! Where is everyone? Anyone remember about Pam?

For all I know, the world around me may have ended. I need to get out of the house and find some people to be around. Where have they all gone? I need a bigger house and then need to move all my friends in with me. The Pam Commune.

Along Came a Spider

I killed a spider in my office today. Is it a sin to kill bugs? Chris saw Susan and Kirk at Midtown last night. I was supposed to go, but I stayed home instead.

I am going to look weird at the airport this Friday. I am bringing two laptops along with my luggage. Work is a little frantic that I am going to be out next week. Seems like our work ebbs and flows . . . so I am going to bring my work laptop so I can log in if there is an emergency.

I want to do some volunteer activity for the holidays. I found some possibilities for when I am in LA, but I need to give some places a call. Seems like people tend to get into a more philanthropic mood during the holidays so they might not need anymore volunteers.

Oh yeah, today is Tony's birthday. I need to give him a call later today or tomorrow.

I know it sounds funny, but if I didn't have so much to do, I would get so much more done. I have all these ideas of things I can write and research, etc. However, it is hard to find the time to do them.

If only I didn't like to sleep so much.

Red Bull

I had caffeine too late tonight, and I am anxious anyways . . . so sleeping is hard right now. I need love and attention. I need exercise. Life is pulling me in so many directions lately. I guess I do that to myself. I have always put too much on my plate, and at some point, the plate shatters. Then I start all over with a new plate and things are good for a while because the new plate doesn't start as full . . . over time it seems to always fill up again. Sigh. My eyes are bigger than my stomach. I have tried to make my MySpace page and my blog consistent. Instead, I should be reading about ambulance location and relocation models.

Fat Tuesday

I went downtown for a meeting with Wachovia today. Our department at UNCC is trying to see if there are good research opportunities within Wachovia for which we can help. After that, I went home and worked. Today was much more productive than yesterday. I found out that I got a bonus and a raise that I wasn't expecting. I had raviolis for lunch and another omelet for dinner. I had cheese dip and chips for a snack. My brokerage account went up $420.68. All of my mutual funds are positive earning but one. It went from negative 7% to negative 3% so that is an improvement at least.

Happy birthday Tony! My brother-in-law is going to be 34 tomorrow. (He is a year YOUNGER than my boyfriend.) I am getting old, but at least I can say they are still older than me!

I think I am going to try to visit my mom January 12-15 sometime. I have off from class that Monday for MLK Day.

Integrity

I have realized over the years that integrity is very important to me when forming trust relationship. Not only do I respect people who are true to their promises, I value those who make promises. Sometimes people get around breaking promises by never making any. That doesn't build trust. That would be like the absence of trust. On the other hand, there are people who say they are going to do something and don't. That is like negative trust. So to obtain trust, you have to both make promises and keep them

I am just getting with the blogging world and found that some other websites have blogger templates. I am going to check them out.

Google Blogger

Looks like Google bought blogger. I have officially converted. Not exactly sure what that means though. I am sleepy. I spent the whole day trying to track down this stupid issue at work. I hate VB6, Crystal, and Dlls. Argh.

I made mushroom, asparagus, and goat cheese omelets for dinner tonight. I had something similar for brunch in LA, so I decided to see if I could replicate it. It came out pretty good.

I am trying to make one of those nifty slide shows everyone has these days, but I don't have the patience to sit and wait for the photos to upload. It takes freaking forever. I keep losing all my work. I give up.

The next few weeks are going to be extremely busy for me as the semester wraps up. I am not looking forward to it. I have figured out my schedule for the Spring:

Monday: 6-9:30 PM Class
Tuesday: 9-5 PM Work
Wednesday: 3:30-6 PM Class, 6-9:30 PM Teach
Thursday: 9-5 PM Work
Friday: 9-1 PM Work, 2-4:30 PM Class

So, it looks like I won't be getting much published next semester either. I know it doesn't look like that many hours, but you have to include taking care of the house, studying, traveling to CA, and everything else I have going on. It gets to be quite a lot. I am stressed.

I love my boyfriend!

I finally got to see Mark! I was all excited to see him that I woke up early and was listening for his key in the door. It feels so good when I get to hold him. I can't wait until that can be a daily thing.

Tonight's Prayer

God, please help me. I am feeling anxious and confused. I am so many things going on and so many unanswered questions. Please guide my actions and my thoughts to be productive and to glorify You. I am tired and antsy all at the same time. Life is hard. I see so many people hurting and not as many people who are happy. This scares me, and it makes me question what exactly Your plan for us really is. Truthfully, I am scared and lost most of the time. Is it just me? Please carry me. Please be my Father. Please protect me. I feel selfish for praying for myself, but sometimes I feel so desperate without You. You know others are on my heart as well. Please be with all of us. Through Jesus, Amen.

Another Blog Thing

You Are 80% Pure

You're so innocent, it's almost like you're not human. Taking this test is probably the naughtiest thing you've done in a while!

How Pure Are You?

Sigh

I need attention and love. I haven't seen my boyfriend now for 18 days. He expects me to wait another 10 days! That is just crazy and very not Pam. I need hugs. I have a cat in my lap, but I need hugs darn it. It is good I have lots of friends to steal hugs from, but it isn't the same as a boyfriend hug. Where is my night time arm pit? Argh. Irritable Pam.

I have a few thorns in my side right now:

-Literature review for INFO 8800
-HCI Paper
-EIT Paper
-Collaborative Systems Paper
-Final Project RSCH 8140
-SLC assignment


I have other assignments, but they are more routine things I get done on a weekly basis. These are the "big projects" that seem to always get put aside until the last minute.

I found some people from my past on MySpace; it is kinda scary. You think about clicking the "add as friend" button, but then you think, why bother? That was so long ago, and you know you aren't going to keep in touch with them anyways. I am interested to see if we are going to have a 10 year high school reunion in 2008. Since I went to two different high schools, I am not really that attached to either one.

Lily Adkins. That is who I would really be interested in looking up from the past. She was my best friend in kindergarten through third grade. I wonder what ever happened to her. Or Danny Jones, the guy with the thick glasses who asked me to marry him and fly away on a jet together . . . in first grade.

Random thoughts . . .

Change

Maybe I will just drop out of school and walk cats for a living. Is it possible to backpack across Europe with two cats? I love Scuro and Ra, but they need to learn how to clean their own litter box.

I feel guilty because I am going to Los Angeles for Thanksgiving and Christmas instead of going to see my mom. I need to figure out a way to get to Gainesville in the next few months. I need to call and cancel the Internet service I got my mom since she doesn't use it. She needs a new computer because hers is about 7-8 years old. She keeps insisting that it is 10 years old, but it isn't.

I did (maybe) make a research topic breakthrough that I might be able to turn into a dissertation topic. I don't know. We will see. I really need to work on getting some papers published.

I went to a dueling piano bar with some friends on Friday night. It was fun; I got up and danced . . . why don't those places have a dance floor?

Mark spent the weekend working again. I really worry about him, but I know I can't do anything about it. He is a grown man and has to take care of himself.

I still pray. For Mark, my family, my friends, this whole sad world. I don't think there is one of us that couldn't use a prayer for something or another. I guess there wouldn't be any beauty in the world if everything was just perfect. It seems like true beauty comes from struggling and growing and learning and trying.

Agape

Your Love Style is Agape

You are a caring, kind, and selfless partner. Unsurprisingly, your love style is the most rare. You are willing to sacrfice your world for your sweetie. Except it doesn't really feel like sacrifice to you. For you, nothing feels better than giving to the one you love.

What's Your Love Style?

Pam Puppy

You Are a Golden Retriever Puppy

Tolerant, fun-loving, and patient. You are eager to please - and attached to your frisbee.

What Breed of Puppy Are You?

My Space

Updated!
http://www.myspace.com/pamela_j_karr

Success

The bitch-goddess, Success, was trailed by thousands of gasping, dogs with lolling tongues. The one that got her first was the real dog among dogs, if you go by success!

Poor Connie! As the years drew on it was the fear of nothingness In her life that affected her. Clifford’s mental life and hers gradually began to feel like nothingness. Their marriage, their integrated life based on a habit of intimacy, that he talked about: there were days when it all became utterly blank and nothing. It was words, just so many words. The only reality was nothingness, and over it a hypocrisy of words.

There was Clifford’s success: the bitch-goddess! It was true he was almost famous, and his books brought him in a thousand pounds. His photograph appeared everywhere. There was a bust of him in one of the galleries, and a portrait of him in two galleries. He seemed the most modern of modern voices. With his uncanny lame instinct for publicity, he had become in four or five years one of the best known of the young ‘intellectuals’. Where the intellect came in, Connie did not quite see. Clifford was really clever at that slightly humorous analysis of people and motives which leaves everything in bits at the end. But it was rather like puppies tearing the sofa cushions to bits; except that it was not young and playful, but curiously old, and rather obstinately conceited. It was weird and it was nothing. This was the feeling that echoed and re-echoed at the bottom of Connie’s soul: it was all flag, a wonderful display of nothingness; At the same time a display. A display! a display! a display!

It was strange . . . the prostitution to the bitch-goddess. To Connie, since she was really outside of it, and since she had grown numb to the thrill of it, it was again nothingness. Even the prostitution to the bitch-goddess was nothingness, though the men prostituted themselves innumerable times. Nothingness even that.

Well, if one had to prostitute oneself, let it be to a bitch-goddess! One could always despise her even while one prostituted oneself to her, which was good.

He realized now that the bitch-goddess of Success had two main appetites: one for flattery, adulation, stroking and tickling such as writers and artists gave her; but the other a grimmer appetite for meat and bones. And the meat and bones for the bitch-goddess were provided by the men who made money in industry.

Yes, there were two great groups of dogs wrangling for the bitch-goddess: the group of the flatterers, those who offered her amusement, stories, films, plays: and the other, much less showy, much more savage breed, those who gave her meat, the real substance of money. The well-groomed showy dogs of amusement wrangled and snarled among themselves for the favours of the bitch-goddess. But it was nothing to the silent fight-to-the-death that went on among the indispensables, the bone-bringers.

--DH Lawrence