People are beautiful. If we weren't so messed up, we wouldn't at all be interesting. It is because we have struggles and we try so hard that makes us so beautiful. None of us know what we are doing. Life is just one big adventure.
My adventure tonight is going to be reading through about 200+ pages of journal articles and talking with my boyfriend after he decides to come home from work.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Friday, September 29, 2006
Naked!
Somehow I forgot my wallet and cell phone today, so I am naked until after my seminar. How embarrassing!
Human Doer
I am reading a book that says that sometimes we define ourselves solely by our accomplishments, not our values and good characteristics. So we become "human doers" instead of human beings. So here are some of the things that I think help define things about me that I like:
I care so much about everything. I don't think there are many things in life that I am apathetic about. I value service and helping others. I oppose societal norms such as public seduction and exploiting sexuality. I don't swear as part of my normal conversation. I value education and hard work. I value life balance. I am loyal and faithful. I try to be diplomatic and sincere. I have learned that it is okay not to be perfect. I prioritize people before things. I make it a point to worship. I am not afraid to ask for help. I believe in pursuing goodness. I generally have good values. I don't do drugs. I am usually polite and empathetic. I would rather give too much than too little. I strive to improve myself. I am intelligent and cuddly. I am generally a defensive driver. I like romance and surprises. I love animals and want children. I am not about wealth and notoriety. I am down-to-earth and can be frugal. I make decisions relatively quickly and am consistent with my actions. I'd rather do something than talk about something. I try to do my best at everything I do. I enjoy nature and being outdoors. I love waterfalls. I tend to learn things from movies instead of just watching them for entertainment value. I don't take advantage of other people. I am flexible and adaptable to change. I am receptive to better ways of doing things, but I try not to compromise my values. I am relationship-oriented and care less about personal accomplishments. I enjoy decorating my house and finding creative and new ways to do things. I like my taste in cars, homes, clothes, etc. I am authentic. I tend to be more open with people instead of guarded. I have a hard time being dishonest. I like to plan. I am responsible and keep my promises. I have learned how to forgive. I am not shallow. I am petite. I have small feet. My smile is a little crooked but not too much. I have long, brown hair and brown eyes. I like to sing in the shower. I am not a morning person. I sleep with a teddy bear. I like country music. I am not a health food nut even though I try to eat relatively healthy. I like cooking and having meals at home. I am family-oriented. I can't drink alcohol very much. I like playing board games and dancing. I don't smoke. I am not lazy, but I do like the occassional afternoon nap. I am clumsy but I try to do things like rollerblade, play tennis, and other sports. I know about technology. I do volunteer activities because I want to, not because I want to brag about it. I feel guilty when I do something wrong. I am tolerant of others' choices. I get involved in my friends' lives when I think I can help. I am not detached. I try to treat people well independently of how they treat me. I love.
Agape,
Pam
I care so much about everything. I don't think there are many things in life that I am apathetic about. I value service and helping others. I oppose societal norms such as public seduction and exploiting sexuality. I don't swear as part of my normal conversation. I value education and hard work. I value life balance. I am loyal and faithful. I try to be diplomatic and sincere. I have learned that it is okay not to be perfect. I prioritize people before things. I make it a point to worship. I am not afraid to ask for help. I believe in pursuing goodness. I generally have good values. I don't do drugs. I am usually polite and empathetic. I would rather give too much than too little. I strive to improve myself. I am intelligent and cuddly. I am generally a defensive driver. I like romance and surprises. I love animals and want children. I am not about wealth and notoriety. I am down-to-earth and can be frugal. I make decisions relatively quickly and am consistent with my actions. I'd rather do something than talk about something. I try to do my best at everything I do. I enjoy nature and being outdoors. I love waterfalls. I tend to learn things from movies instead of just watching them for entertainment value. I don't take advantage of other people. I am flexible and adaptable to change. I am receptive to better ways of doing things, but I try not to compromise my values. I am relationship-oriented and care less about personal accomplishments. I enjoy decorating my house and finding creative and new ways to do things. I like my taste in cars, homes, clothes, etc. I am authentic. I tend to be more open with people instead of guarded. I have a hard time being dishonest. I like to plan. I am responsible and keep my promises. I have learned how to forgive. I am not shallow. I am petite. I have small feet. My smile is a little crooked but not too much. I have long, brown hair and brown eyes. I like to sing in the shower. I am not a morning person. I sleep with a teddy bear. I like country music. I am not a health food nut even though I try to eat relatively healthy. I like cooking and having meals at home. I am family-oriented. I can't drink alcohol very much. I like playing board games and dancing. I don't smoke. I am not lazy, but I do like the occassional afternoon nap. I am clumsy but I try to do things like rollerblade, play tennis, and other sports. I know about technology. I do volunteer activities because I want to, not because I want to brag about it. I feel guilty when I do something wrong. I am tolerant of others' choices. I get involved in my friends' lives when I think I can help. I am not detached. I try to treat people well independently of how they treat me. I love.
Agape,
Pam
Thursday, September 28, 2006
Held
I have a headache and need to be held. I watched Shop Girl today while putting together my lecture slides. What I got from the movie: People can change and grow. Some relationships may introduce more comfort into your life but are not worth anything if they don't give you true love and commitment. You lose more if you don't give all of yourself in a relationship than if you fall completely. There are some mistakes that you can make that hurt people, and you simply can't fix it.
Anyway, my head still hurts. I am watching an Oprah on pedafiles.
Anyway, my head still hurts. I am watching an Oprah on pedafiles.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
A Little Love Can Change it All
I am listening to music, shuffle is a great thing. I feel like I have tons of stuff to do (which is accurate), but at the same time, this week isn't that bad. Tomorrow, I have office hours from 9 AM - 11 AM. Then I am meeting with Su about our paper (of which I have yet to prepare). After that, I have a presentation/article review due for one of my classes. My other class isn't meeting, but I have to email my assignment to my professor. After that, I need to prepare my lecture for the class I am teaching Friday. So, all in all, even though it sounds pretty busy, it isn't as bad as it could be.
I hate uncertainty. I like being able to plan for things. When I can't plan for something, it stresses me out. Arggh.
I started trying to exercise some. I also went to the store today and attempted to by food that was relatively healthy. We will see how long that will last. I am trying to decide what else I should try to get done tonight. I am not very motivated to do more homework right now. I cleaned the kitchen earlier today. I listened to a sermon I had on CD from a Sunday I missed church. I have some laundry that needs to be done. However, it is night time which means I will forget about it in the dryer until at least tomorrow and will have to rewash it anyway.
What is on my night stand to read? I have the Bible, the Complete Jewish Bible, a book about Workaholism, and a book about long distance relationships. Hmmm. I'm bored.
I hate uncertainty. I like being able to plan for things. When I can't plan for something, it stresses me out. Arggh.
I started trying to exercise some. I also went to the store today and attempted to by food that was relatively healthy. We will see how long that will last. I am trying to decide what else I should try to get done tonight. I am not very motivated to do more homework right now. I cleaned the kitchen earlier today. I listened to a sermon I had on CD from a Sunday I missed church. I have some laundry that needs to be done. However, it is night time which means I will forget about it in the dryer until at least tomorrow and will have to rewash it anyway.
What is on my night stand to read? I have the Bible, the Complete Jewish Bible, a book about Workaholism, and a book about long distance relationships. Hmmm. I'm bored.
Pond Scum
The pond scum is going to clear up soon as it gets colder. My new roommate is going to move in this weekend. I am also going to have dinner with some friends this Friday. School is going pretty well - just busy. I am trying to do a quickwatch on a variable right now for work, and my computer has frozen up. That is one drawback from working at home - the VPN tunnel tends to be slower.
Yay, I think I have it working now.
Yay, I think I have it working now.
Monday, September 25, 2006
TMI
Today sucked. I got in on the red eye at 6 AM this morning. I had a doctor's appointment at 2:30 PM, and they scheduled me for a colinoscopy. Not something I am looking forward to. I am going in to work tomorrow, and I have lots of homework I need to get done this week. Sorry, I will try to be more chipper later on in the week. Just give me a day or two to be cranky.
Went to see Mark this weekend. As always, I am happy when I get to spend time with him. I think we are both stressed with life and the distance, but I think that is pretty much to be expected. We went to the Getty museum, and I saw some Degas, Cezanne, Monet, and other famous pieces of artwork. He also took me to a restaurant where they completely let me make up my own dish. For all who know me, you know how awesome that is.
Here is the photo album from the trip this weekend.
Went to see Mark this weekend. As always, I am happy when I get to spend time with him. I think we are both stressed with life and the distance, but I think that is pretty much to be expected. We went to the Getty museum, and I saw some Degas, Cezanne, Monet, and other famous pieces of artwork. He also took me to a restaurant where they completely let me make up my own dish. For all who know me, you know how awesome that is.
Here is the photo album from the trip this weekend.
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Fall
Fall is here, and it seems like everyone I know is going through some kind of dramatic change. Single friends I have had are dating, dating friends I have are breaking up, people are quitting their jobs, joining the Peace Corps, heading up organizations, buying businesses, buying homes, selling homes, attending seminars, moving to new cities . . . change is . . . inevitable.
God, I pray that you continue to mold us in new and creative ways. Don't stop helping us improve, but please realize that we often find change difficult. When change is not accompanied with hope, sometimes it seems unbearable. We are imperfect, something you will never be, so maybe it is hard for You to relate? I know that you love us. I know you have good plans in store. Just please be gentle on us all.
Amen!
God, I pray that you continue to mold us in new and creative ways. Don't stop helping us improve, but please realize that we often find change difficult. When change is not accompanied with hope, sometimes it seems unbearable. We are imperfect, something you will never be, so maybe it is hard for You to relate? I know that you love us. I know you have good plans in store. Just please be gentle on us all.
Amen!
Monday, September 18, 2006
Pam, Pa-Pam, Pam
Here is a picture of me right now. I just finished working for the day, and I think I might take a nap. I haven't been feeling well.
Things to be happy about
1) God loves me. I was struggling with an issue this morning, and when I was sitting in the sermon this morning, I just said "okay, God." It was like He was talking to just me for the situation I was going through just then. I know He is looking out for me and has good things in store.
2) My friends love me. Susan, Wendy, Joel, Dave, Jay, Kirk, Pedro, Jamie, Ann, Kenny, Liz, Felicia, Francis, Melanie, Adam, Tausha, etc. I have awesome friends!
3) I have a better relationship with my family than we have had in the past.
4) I have a beautiful home with two beautiful cats (who also love me).
5) My boyfriend loves me.
6) I am doing pretty good in the PhD program, at work, and teaching my first class.
7) Even though I think I am overweight, I am still attractive and not in really bad shape.
8) I have money in the bank.
9) I have learned so much through life. Everything I have gone through has taught me important lessons and has made me a better person than I would otherwise have been.
10) I finally realized I don't have to be perfect. Other people aren't perfect, and they are loved anyway. It is okay if I make mistakes. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to love myself. It is to defend myself when people hurt me. It is okay to want what I want. It is okay that there are things I want to improve . . . I can be happy and content with things now and still work towards those things. I don't have to wait until I get somewhere or do something to be happy. I can be happy now, right where I am at. Amen!
2) My friends love me. Susan, Wendy, Joel, Dave, Jay, Kirk, Pedro, Jamie, Ann, Kenny, Liz, Felicia, Francis, Melanie, Adam, Tausha, etc. I have awesome friends!
3) I have a better relationship with my family than we have had in the past.
4) I have a beautiful home with two beautiful cats (who also love me).
5) My boyfriend loves me.
6) I am doing pretty good in the PhD program, at work, and teaching my first class.
7) Even though I think I am overweight, I am still attractive and not in really bad shape.
8) I have money in the bank.
9) I have learned so much through life. Everything I have gone through has taught me important lessons and has made me a better person than I would otherwise have been.
10) I finally realized I don't have to be perfect. Other people aren't perfect, and they are loved anyway. It is okay if I make mistakes. It is okay to ask for help. It is okay to love myself. It is to defend myself when people hurt me. It is okay to want what I want. It is okay that there are things I want to improve . . . I can be happy and content with things now and still work towards those things. I don't have to wait until I get somewhere or do something to be happy. I can be happy now, right where I am at. Amen!
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Friday, September 15, 2006
Juxtaposed
Our greatest strengths are often our biggest weaknesses. So when we are presented with the task of change, we often find ourselves torn because we don't want to erode the good parts of what makes us - us. But are the good and the bad irrevocably bound?
For instance, one of my best qualities is how I care so incredibly much, well, about everything. However, this tends to bring out my insecurities and make me extra vulnerable to getting hurt. There are times where I have desperately tried to not build walls and not get crushed at the same time . . . but in that case, you are assuming blind trust in those you are hoping won't crush you. You try your best to continue to love, continue to forgive, continue to try . . . because you don't want the reason things don't work out to be because of the walls you have built around yourself. On the other hand, when you leave yourself wide open, people can take advantage of you or even just disappoint you through the natural progression of life. So should you try to use apathy as your defense? And by doing so, would I lose one of the best parts of me? I don't believe there is a way to truly love half-way. Obviously an amount of trust needs to be built, but if in the end, you have two guarded hearts, so much is taken out of the equation that makes it less worthy. I mean, that is why they call it "falling" in love. You have to take the risk; you have to fall.
Ah, yes. Late night ramblings. I have to get some sleep now.
For instance, one of my best qualities is how I care so incredibly much, well, about everything. However, this tends to bring out my insecurities and make me extra vulnerable to getting hurt. There are times where I have desperately tried to not build walls and not get crushed at the same time . . . but in that case, you are assuming blind trust in those you are hoping won't crush you. You try your best to continue to love, continue to forgive, continue to try . . . because you don't want the reason things don't work out to be because of the walls you have built around yourself. On the other hand, when you leave yourself wide open, people can take advantage of you or even just disappoint you through the natural progression of life. So should you try to use apathy as your defense? And by doing so, would I lose one of the best parts of me? I don't believe there is a way to truly love half-way. Obviously an amount of trust needs to be built, but if in the end, you have two guarded hearts, so much is taken out of the equation that makes it less worthy. I mean, that is why they call it "falling" in love. You have to take the risk; you have to fall.
Ah, yes. Late night ramblings. I have to get some sleep now.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Rain
I think I might have found a roommate today. I am ambivalent about the whole thing, but I might as well try something different. Change would be good, maybe.
Joel isn't coming this weekend and Kim and Tony aren't going to make it. So, I should have plenty of time to get some work done this weekend. If only productive equaled happy. I feel blah. I am tired, fustrated, depressed, stressed . . . The weather has been nasty today.
Joel isn't coming this weekend and Kim and Tony aren't going to make it. So, I should have plenty of time to get some work done this weekend. If only productive equaled happy. I feel blah. I am tired, fustrated, depressed, stressed . . . The weather has been nasty today.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Quality Meat
I was supposed to go to a cook out in Mebane this weekend. However, at the last minute Mark flew me to see him in New York. I have never decided to fly somewhere and fly there in the same day before. I feel so cosmopolitan. I flew out yesterday around 2 PM, and I just got home. On the return flight, I let them bump me to the next one so I could get a free round trip ticket to go see my boyfriend. I think that worked out pretty well.
However, I am still sick. In fact, I think the altitude change made my head more stuffy. I took NyQuil last night, and I don't remember anything from the point I went to sleep until I woke up. I usually wake up to go to the bathroom several times during the night.
We went to a restaurant in NY called Quality Meat. Mark got a lobster as an appetizer (nope, I didn't eat any), and it was served with the head as a centerpiece. Ick! We both got steaks, and they were pretty good. I got to wear my new top and skirt from New York and Company.
I am back home now. I wish I could have spent more time with Mark. The long distance is hard because the person you most want to spend your time with isn't there. I was very grateful that I got to see him, and it will help me get through this week better without him. It was kinda depressing landing in Charlotte. It is rainy and muggy outside. It was freezing on the plane. I put on three shirts and was covering myself with my skirt. Definitely not good for my head. Oh, and they took 2 liquid eye shadows and my concealer at the airport. Sheesh.
I think I am going to go to bed early and try to work from home tomorrow. I need my sinuses to clear up. Maybe I should go get some more NyQuil - cherry, not the original. The original tastes like crap.
However, I am still sick. In fact, I think the altitude change made my head more stuffy. I took NyQuil last night, and I don't remember anything from the point I went to sleep until I woke up. I usually wake up to go to the bathroom several times during the night.
We went to a restaurant in NY called Quality Meat. Mark got a lobster as an appetizer (nope, I didn't eat any), and it was served with the head as a centerpiece. Ick! We both got steaks, and they were pretty good. I got to wear my new top and skirt from New York and Company.
I am back home now. I wish I could have spent more time with Mark. The long distance is hard because the person you most want to spend your time with isn't there. I was very grateful that I got to see him, and it will help me get through this week better without him. It was kinda depressing landing in Charlotte. It is rainy and muggy outside. It was freezing on the plane. I put on three shirts and was covering myself with my skirt. Definitely not good for my head. Oh, and they took 2 liquid eye shadows and my concealer at the airport. Sheesh.
I think I am going to go to bed early and try to work from home tomorrow. I need my sinuses to clear up. Maybe I should go get some more NyQuil - cherry, not the original. The original tastes like crap.
Saturday, September 09, 2006
Pamcake
Just call me a pamcake because I am spread so thin lately. I have great cats. I don't know what I would do without my cats.
Pam, Up All Night
I have an orange cat sitting in my lap. I just finished grading all the assignments from my class. It is easier reading the papers than it is just entering all the grades into the web interface for grade tracking. I went over to Matt and Amy's for a few hours tonight. We had turkey burgers and strawberry shortcake. I think Matt and Amy are the epitome of a good, Christian couple. Good people. They have two cute cats too.
I have too many uncertainties in my life right now, too many things I want to plan for but don't have enough information to do so. I guess that is normal, but I can usually find some ways to account for some aspects of the uncertainty.
Joel, are you still coming up next weekend? I am going to be busy and you have papers to write too, so let me know if it still makes sense for you to come up. I know it is quite a drive. You still have that flight credit that you need to use before Thanksgiving. I know you always try to surprise me for my birthday, and I always end up already having plans. Just to let you know, I already have plans. :-)
I consolidated my student loan, and I called them to see how much I owed. They told me I didn't owe anything until I graduate. However, I keep getting a bill in the mail. Very suspicious. I need to give them a call.
I have spoiled milk in the refridgerator. A thought which does not relate to anything, just happened to cross my mind.
I have too many uncertainties in my life right now, too many things I want to plan for but don't have enough information to do so. I guess that is normal, but I can usually find some ways to account for some aspects of the uncertainty.
Joel, are you still coming up next weekend? I am going to be busy and you have papers to write too, so let me know if it still makes sense for you to come up. I know it is quite a drive. You still have that flight credit that you need to use before Thanksgiving. I know you always try to surprise me for my birthday, and I always end up already having plans. Just to let you know, I already have plans. :-)
I consolidated my student loan, and I called them to see how much I owed. They told me I didn't owe anything until I graduate. However, I keep getting a bill in the mail. Very suspicious. I need to give them a call.
I have spoiled milk in the refridgerator. A thought which does not relate to anything, just happened to cross my mind.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
Fraggle Rock
Nothing too exciting to report on in the life of Pam. Mark and I went to Kentucky to see Kim and Tony for Labor Day. We toured Churchill Downs while we were there. It was a nice visit. Jay (ex) stopped by to say hello on his way from Blacksburg to Myrtle Beach. That was a surprising yet pleasant visit. I hadn't talked to him in almost 2 years.
My boyfriend is the culprit. I am getting sick. I have been sneezing my head off and have had a runny nose since I got home from Kentucky. Ugh.
Work, school, teaching, etc. has been very busy. I did get out for dinner with Holly last night which was good. I think I am going to Virginia's house in Mebane for a cookout on Saturday.
I have to use my City Cash for New York & Company this weekend.
Sniffle.
My boyfriend is the culprit. I am getting sick. I have been sneezing my head off and have had a runny nose since I got home from Kentucky. Ugh.
Work, school, teaching, etc. has been very busy. I did get out for dinner with Holly last night which was good. I think I am going to Virginia's house in Mebane for a cookout on Saturday.
I have to use my City Cash for New York & Company this weekend.
Sniffle.
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