Where's My Corsage?

When I met Michele in San Francisco, my Auntie Esther insisted that she take a picture of us together. I almost felt like we were going to prom together or something. :-) My aunt still has a 35 mm camera, so she just sent me the picture. Here is a scanned version in sepia.

DSBG

Mike and I went to the Daniel Stowe Botanical Gardens today. I had been there once before to attend a wedding. I really like it there; It has beautiful gardens and fountains. They are building an orchid garden that will be open in 2008 which seems like it will be really cool. Mike's mom and her dog Pumpkin stayed over at his house Thursday and Friday night because her water was shut off at her house. We all went to see the new Harry Potter movie Friday night. It was all right, but there were some parts that could have been better. Saturday was a lazy day which mostly involved sleeping. Today was also a fairly lazy day other than going to the botanical gardens. I bought a chandelier for my breakfast nook that I am going to get Mike (and Dave?) to put up for me this weekend. I will have to post a picture once it is done. Right now, I am in bed with two sleepy kitties. I found an "I love you" note in my laptop when I opened it up to blog. That made me smile.

To Do List

Things that must happen this week:

1) Go into work Monday (along with regular work schedule) - DONE
2) Call Best Buy to schedule ice maker repair - DONE
3) **Finalize AMCIS presentation by Wednesday morning** - DONE
4) John Mayer concert Wednesday evening - DONE
5) **Finalize SharePoint business case/recommendation by Friday morning** - Recommendation DONE, Business Case TO DO
6) Wish Liz a happy birthday - DONE
7) Submit timesheet - DONE
8) Call fascia repair guy- DONE
9) Follow up on lightning claim - DONE
10) See if Dave is going to be in town this weekend -DONE

Funny

Look, Ra isn't alone!!

Thank God

I am so thankful for my boyfriend. I had a pretty icky day today - all of my papers submitted to ICIS were rejected. I am feeling spread a little too thin between work, work 2, research, and everything else. Like the song, there is always a reason to not feel good enough. So I cried, and Mike held me and made goofy jokes until I smiled. Thank God for him; he is my angel.

I guess I don't write all that much about Mike on my blog 1) because the bottom tends to fall out when I think everything is going well and 2) I don't want to hurt Mark. I know Mark checks my blog occasionally. I do love Mark, and I wish all the happiness for him in the world. In the end, I didn't make him happy enough because we have different goals in life. That doesn't mean I want him to hurt or be hurt. You don't just stop caring about the people you cared deeply about.

At the same time, I blog about what is on my mind and my heart, and today, it is Mike. He cooked chicken marsala with potatoes for dinner tonight. He told me he would love me even if I failed. And he did the dishes. I can't control how emotional I am sometimes, but it was really nice to have him hold me and calm me down. He is learning that when I am sad it doesn't mean I am unhappy with us. I am not asking him to fix anything or do anything but be there for me. And today he did a great job.

I am home now and showered. Showering helps calm me down some. Now I am going back to do some work 2 to have ready for tomorrow. This weekend I have to start paper revisions to be able to resubmit them to other conferences and/or journals. I just need to take a deep breath and not get discouraged.

Yay!

Travel plans for Thanksgiving have been confirmed. Mom, Watson, and I will be going to Kim and Tony's for Thanksgiving. I am aiming to stay in town for Christmas. Darn it, my feet are asleep. Wake up, feet! Wake up, wake up!

I also confirmed that there won't be any adverse consequences from taking my qualifying exams in the spring. So here is my life for the next little bit:

26 - work from home
27 - work from work (different company)
28 - 29 research
30 - work from work (the other company)
31 - work from home
1 - research, John Mayer concert!! Chris in Vermont
2 - work from home
3 - work from work
4 - 6 Dave in town
7 - Scuro's birthday, Chris back from Vermont
8 - 13 AMCIS
14 - 17 work from home
18 - 19 relax
20 - fall semester begins

Angel

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there's always one reason
to feel not good enough
and it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memory seeps from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there's vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lie
that you make up for all that you lack
it don't make no difference
escaping one last time
it's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of an angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort there
you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

What to Say

I think all the time. My mind never really shuts off. Some people think I share too much on my blog when they don't realize that there is a lot that I don't share as well. I am usually most inspired to write when feeling sad and lonely because I feel like it is a way to connect to someone else even if they aren't in the room with me. Other times, I just blog because I get antsy. A lot of my deeper thoughts and emotions don't make it onto my blog by design.

So what is life all about?

Family. Family is pretty good right now. I saw Lisa's family and the extended family while in San Francisco. I last saw mom in May and Kim and Tony in January. I talk to my mom probably about once a week. My family has never been that close-knit (maybe the relatives in SF, but not us on the East coast). Nothing really bad is happening right now, so we are all just kind of going along with the ride. I really want to see mom for Thanksgiving, but she is being stubborn.

Friends. I miss my friends in Florida. I don't have any really, really close friends in Charlotte. It is good to get out and socialize with people every now and then though. In general, I like people. I care about them. I like helping them and seeing them happy.

Goals. I have been busy with work and side work and research this summer. As always, I have too many things to do. I am a bit stressed about qualifying exams coming up this or next semester. Other than that, everything is pretty much right on track. I sometimes wish I had more time to focus on my PhD studies, but I enjoy the work I do as well. I don't know what I would do with all the extra time if I was just working on my PhD. I am still up-in-the-air about what I am going to do when I graduate. I still have some time but not much to decide. I am presenting at a conference in Colorado during the beginning of August.

God. I haven't been going to church all that regularly. Francis and I went when he was in town, and that was nice. It would mean a lot if Mike went to church with me, but I understand why he is hesitant because he spent his whole life going to Catholic school. I pray every day almost even if I don't make it to church every week. God is good.

Health. I have had some ups and downs with my health lately. I need to lose some weight and exercise now that some of the more stressful health issues seem to have fallen along the wayside. I sleep a lot. I love naps. I am taking Lipitor for my cholesterol.

Cats. They are perfect as always. Scuro's 9th birthday is coming up in August.

Home. I love my house. It is usually neat and uncluttered. I haven't been home as much as I am used to lately, however. Chris and Amber have been alternating staying here in Charlotte and in High Point for the last 4 months or so. I still want to do some home improvement projects, but they seem to keep falling to the bottom of my list.

Love. After thinking you have everything going for you in this department, you start to be less optimistic than you were in the past. Mike and I are doing well, I think. He is taking me to see Kim and Tony for my birthday. We are hoping to take a trip to Savannah and meet up with my mom and Watson for a weekend in September. I have briefly met his mom and sister. He is finally getting used to having a girlfriend around. I am finally talking less about Mark all the time. I think we are both scared sometimes, but things are on the right track. We just have to make sure we don't let our caution ruin something that is really good. Neither one of us want to get hurt.

Money. I can't complain here. I have money saved up in the bank, and I am doing pretty well for a PhD student. I get a little stressed that I am not saving more for retirement, but I don't let it bother me too much.

Future. Well, for those of you who know me, I am a planner. I know pretty much what to expect for the next year, but after that I have no idea. The unclear roadmap makes me anxious, but it is pretty much unavoidable. If I don't sell my house before 2010, my mortgage interest rate is going to adjust which will suck. I should be done with my PhD in about a year and a half. Qualifying exams need to be taken either in September or next January. Other than that, I don't have any impending milestones. However, I will be 30 in less than 3 years . . .

Somethings I would like to do in the near future:
-Spend more time getting to know Mike's mom
-Have Ru meet Ra and Scuro
-Go to Carowinds
-See mom
-Get my lightning claim squared away
-Hang out with Matt and Amy
-Travel abroad
-Get published in a journal

Gouda is Good

There are so many things that I am thankful for. It is easy to get caught up in the bad things that have happened in life and to forget all the things that I have been blessed with. I have some really great friends. I love my family. I have a beautiful home and two awesome cats. God has been good to me. I am really glad that I moved to Charlotte.

Mike and I had a bit of a falling out last week. He mistook my emotional-ness as being unhappy with us. He gets really upset when he sees me cry. It made me realize that sometimes I need to make a point to express when I am happy. Happiness doesn't look as obvious as upseted-ness does on me. I have perfected sad, but I am still working on happy.

In fact, I am really happy with Mike. In a lot of ways we are very much alike. In those ways it makes it easy for us to get along. In other ways, we are exact opposites. For those things, we both know that it is a healthier thing for both of us to be more in the middle anyway. So it gives us a chance to learn from one another. As we learn more about one another, our relationship is getting stronger and stronger. We have been dating for 5 months now. This relationship is different than any other relationship I have been in, and it has been a great growth experience for me. I am so incredibly thankful for him.

In general, life is good. I still have personal ups and downs. Sometimes I think I freak out when things are good just because I am scared of losing all the things in my life that make me happy. There have been some really low points in my life, and though they have passed, they have left me with the fear of ever getting back to that bad place. So I pray. And sometimes I get anxious. And sometimes I cry. And sometimes I can just forget and enjoy myself. Those are the best times - when I am just living in the moment and looking forward to the future.

Staying Young

Here was an interesting article about ways to stay young.

Hump Day

Today was my research day, but I used it instead to relax and recover from constantly being on the go the last few weeks. I went grocery shopping. I also talked to my mom. I uploaded some pictures to Walgreens and had them sent to her local store to get developed. I think that is pretty cool, especially for someone like my mom who is pretty much computer illiterate (and like me who does everything on-line). Tomorrow I work from home.

I revived my LinkedIn profile when Mike sent me a request to be in his network. I have 30 connections now. However, I am not currently looking for any opportunities as I seem to find myself with too many instead of too few opportunities lately.

I am just ho-hum tonight. I was kinda down last night, but I recovered from that after some IM love from Dave at 2 in the morning (not THAT kind, silly!). Thanks, Dave! He is thinking about coming out to see me August 4-7. I have a conference in Colorado right after that.

Fragile

One of the beauties of this complex world is that dichotomy can be juxtaposed.

For instance, to be humble and to serve require more discipline and fortitude than pride and leadership.

I, for one, am full of contradictions. I am fragile, but I am strong. In some ways, my ability to allow myself to be vulnerable has taught me more strength than walling myself off from the world ever would. I am doubtful which has increased my faith. I am thankful I did not grow up in a church because blind faith would not have been as strong as the faith I currently have in God.

So as life goes on, I am learning more and more about the intricacies of what it means to be human and how within all this confusion things become more clear. And within all the contradictions, a consistency can be found.

Weddings

Francis slept in this morning. After he got up, we had a light breakfast. Chris was getting ready to go to Highpoint to see Amber, so I helped him put together this vase of Hershey's kisses and roses he had gotten to surprise her. Then I modeled some dresses for the guys, and they helped me decide on the one below.

We left around 1 PM for Childress Vineyards. We made perfect time. We got there in time to have a quick lunch and listen to some live music on the terrace. Then we went on the 3 PM tour of the vineyard. After that, we did the wine tasting. We got to the church JUST in time. The wedding was very pretty. The reception was lovely as well. We danced to a few songs and hung out with some of his friends he had known since middle school. It was a very impressive crowd - IB high school, masters, law degrees, PhDs, wow. Although a little late, we got home safely.

He impressed/surprised me by requesting that I take him to my church in the morning (he is Catholic). So we are going to go to church, have brunch, then go to Body Worlds at Discovery Place. His plane leaves for Gainesville around 6 PM. It has been a good but long day.

Francis

Francis is in town for the weekend; I picked him up from the airport tonight. We went to Ciro's Italian Restaurant for a late dinner. It is good to see him. The last time I saw him was when I was in Gainesville after going to Joel's graduation in May. He is getting ready for bed, and I am debating on whether or not I should try to set up my new wireless router tonight. We are going to his friend's wedding tomorrow.

Getting There

Well, I am starting to get everything back on track from my vacation. I went to the doctor today and received better news than I was expecting. The claims adjuster is coming tomorrow so hopefully I can start replacing some of the things that were burnt out by the storm. The most inconvenient is the kitchen because I keep forgetting I don't have a microwave, toaster, blender, or toaster oven that work. I have to rely just on the stove. Some things you take for granted: frozen burritos, English muffins, smoothies, TV dinners, and toast. Ahh.

Trying to convince my mom to go to Chicago for Thanksgiving. Mike and I have a trip planned to go see Kim and Tony for my birthday. I met his sister when I was in San Francisco. She went to see Jersey Boys with some of my family and myself. I didn't know the story behind the Four Seasons, and I like their music a lot better now that I know the story. Heck, I think I used to think Frankie Valli was a chick in some of those songs!

Insecure

Well, I have a WEP enabled wireless network up and running again at home. Yay. Mike and I went to see the Transformers movie tonight which was definitely a guy flick. There were some neat special effects, and it was nice going out to a movie though. I told him that the next movie is going to have to be a chick-flick. :-)

Tomorrow is going to be a stressful day, but I will get through it. I think I will go downstairs and cuddle up with my kitties, Job, and my snuggle pillow.

And She's Safe!

I got home safely on Saturday. I am without Internet at home until we can exchange the cable modem due to the lightning strike. I was going to do that today, but I forgot to bring the cable modem with me. Argh.

Had a great time in San Francisco, but I am back to work and school now.

Pam at Muir Woods

San Fran 087
Originally uploaded by pamela_j_karr

Here is one of the few pictures from my camera with me actually in it (thanks to Gary). I leave for home at 7 AM PST tomorrow, and I get back around 3 PM EST. I get to see Scuro, Ra, Mike, Ru, and Chris. I also get to find all the model numbers of everything that got fried by lightning. Fun, fun.

Silly Burroughs

This is my family - My sister Lisa, her husband Steve, and my neices and nephew, Rachael, Ryan, and Emily.

Here is a slide show of the rest of the San Francisco 2007 Trip pictures.