So Much But So Little

I put an ad up on Yahoo Personals a few weeks ago. So I was looking at the billing information trying to figure out how to cancel the recurring billing. I looked at my payment history. I had signed up for the service once before, but it jolted me when I saw the billing date. My credit card was charged the first time on 5/17/03. The second time, it was charged on 5/18/05. Shear coincidence, but it made me realize so much has happened . . . and not happened in the last two years.

I feel like one of those people who are always held to a higher standard. If I screw up, it never goes unnoticed. If I make a mistake, I don't get a second chance to make things right. So it creates this huge stress of having to be perfect all the time which makes me even more flawed. Sometimes when you are trying to prove to people you aren't something, you almost become that because you are afraid they are right.

Jessica, Kassie, and I went to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was a really good movie, and all three of us ended up crying. Chick flick.

I don't want anyone but Sean. I know he is probably with someone else right now. I know he didn't treat me right in the end. I know God made things happen the way they did for a reason. But it is still hard when I have nightmares about Sean probably at least once a week. I had gotten to the point where I believed that we were really going to spend our lives together. And I was happy. It is hard to forget that.

God knows I am trying to move on. I have always been great at moving on. Pam always finds a new boyfriend. I mean, it might not have always been the best situation, but it never failed that I could at least love someone even if I wasn't in love. It is different this time. So to me, that means that it must mean something. I just don't know what.

It probably isn't wise for me to write all this personal stuff and display it on-line. I am going to scare off all the guys I meet when they read this. :-) Whatever. One of the things I love about myself is that I am always me. I can't hide it and can't be anything but real.

Sometimes I think people think I am crazy because I express my emotions. We have all been a mess at one point in our lives. I just happen to admit it! However, the norm is to hide it. Stoic. I will never be stoic. I talked to a counselor once who said the people who are treating like there is something wrong with them and are open to examining themselves can often be the biggest messes but also the most sane of the bunch. I think it is healthy to admit when you are scared, sad, angry, stressed, happy, or whatever. Sometimes I don't have an answer. Sometimes I need to ask for help. Sometimes I forget to believe in myself and try to listen to others instead of being true to myself. Now that is when I have the most trouble! It isn't because they have bad advice, but it is because they simply aren't me. I have to be me because when I try to be something else, I will always fail.

I know that I say it is hard for me to trust people, but maybe that is a misconception. I think I might trust everyone. I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe that John really meant when he said he was sorry and that he loved me in the right way. I want to believe that there is hope for salvation of this world. I want to believe that there will always be someone to turn to in times of need. I want to believe that all my ex-boyfriends speak well of me and think about me on occasion. I want to believe that everyone cares as much as I do. I can't believe anything else. I won't believe that evil has consumed this world. I won't believe that anyone is truly apathetic. I won't believe that anyone of us is excluded from redemption.

I hate when I am told that I am idealistic. If more people were idealistic, then maybe it would be realistic instead. True love only exists when you believe in it. Change can only occur when you make it. If more people refused to settle then maybe we would all be better off.

Please God, show me the good in this world. I am reminded every day of the bad. Please make everything right in the end. We all suffer in so many ways. Please take away the hurt and replace it with love, hope, and joy. We cannot do it on our own. Through Jesus, Amen.