Who all is out there? Sometimes I feel so alone. Sometimes I feel like I isolate myself. I never want to be alone, but sometimes I can't deal with people.
There are some people that just make your blood pressure rise. Some of them are people you have to love, and you find yourself wondering why they have such an adverse affect on you.
I try to find reason for everything that has happened in my life. and all the people I have met. Art taught me that I didn't have to be heart broken when someone I didn't really love anyway hurts me. Tom taught me how to express my emotions. Ryan taught me self control. Jay taught me that I didn't have to sacrifice myself to love someone else. Jason taught me how bitterness and anger can ruin a person. David taught me how important it is for a guy's family to welcome you. Alex taught me that I crave love and protection. Kyle taught me how important it is to not talk in anger. Jim taught me that soemtimes you can't fix a person to reach their full potential. I haven't found any use from knowing Sean. I guess God will help me figure that out in the years to come. Jay/Jason (one guy, but different than the ones above), taught me to recognize the vulnerabilities and insecurities of others.
My closest relationships have always been with men. I have a few good female friends - Tausha, Liz, Felicia, Trang, Ann, Jessica, Kassie, Jamie, Melanie, Stephanie, Bonnie . . . My best friends are Joel, Dave, and Kenny.
I don't really have any point to all of this.
God loves me just the way I am. There are wonderfully beautiful things about me. There are other things that are signs that I am human. I am learning to realize that when other people put you down, it reflects more on their character than your own. I want to be known for who I am without having to be apologetic.
I have an impact on the lives of others just as they have an impact on mine. I have the power to hurt someone and change who they are forever. I have the power to save someone. It doesn't take much, just a few words. It is amazing how important one person in your life can be. And I can choose to be that person in someone else's life. We aren't trivial. In a sense, we are almost too powerful.
Kenny and I had ice cream and popcorn for dinner. I am such a bad hostess!
Sunday, June 26, 2005
Kenny
Kenny is here! Muhammed drove me to pick Kenny up at the airport. Kenny and I went to Morton's and drove around down town (uptown). Then I made him look at paint chips with me. I am really glad he is here. He is a very positive force in my life. We get along really well, and we are very much alike. He just started seeing someone in Florida, and I am very happy for him. He is a great friend.
Muhammed took pictures of me in front of some reeds. I feel like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have one of those zits that is deep within your nose. The kind you keep squeezing your nose hoping it will spurt out zit juice so it won't hurt so much. Then in doesn't for like three days after you first started squeezing it which just makes your nose even more swollen and red. Ugh.
Jason and I talked today. I think we resolved some things. I don't really want to talk about all that though.
We are going to church in the morning and hanging out. I think we are taking a mountain trip on Monday. I might get to see waterfalls!! Yay!!
Muhammed took pictures of me in front of some reeds. I feel like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer. I have one of those zits that is deep within your nose. The kind you keep squeezing your nose hoping it will spurt out zit juice so it won't hurt so much. Then in doesn't for like three days after you first started squeezing it which just makes your nose even more swollen and red. Ugh.
Jason and I talked today. I think we resolved some things. I don't really want to talk about all that though.
We are going to church in the morning and hanging out. I think we are taking a mountain trip on Monday. I might get to see waterfalls!! Yay!!
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Smilin', Dancin', Laughin' to Her Favorite Song
Jackie, Kassie and I went dancing tonight. I had fun and worked up a sweat. We only went out for about two hours which was enough for me. I am sleepy!
I think Muhammed is coming over in the morning. I told him I would pose for some pictures for his photography class. I also have to put my final portfolio together for class. I kicked butt in my first class at UNCC, yeh! Next week will be a little bit of a break before the next class starts.
Kenny flies in tomorrow at 4 PM. I am excited to see him. We talk often. I like hearing about his life. He is currently dating someone so we have been talking about that a lot. We will probably go somewhere nice on Saturday night then to church on Sunday. It would be cool to take a day trip to the mountains. Claude and one of his friends are also coming into town. They are going to crash here but pretty much do their own thing.
Ugh, I have to take care of some things this weekend. I can't forget:
1) Mail Jeanne her shoes
2) Call Mr. Matthews back
3) Make plans to get new license plate
4) Research health insurance coverage
5) Deposit checks
6) Clean litter box
7) Put together portfolio
8) Something else that I already forgot
I am spread a little thin right now, but things are going well. I have friends who care about me. They give me a hard time when I disappear in the books or at work,
Oh yeah
8) Work on UNCC project - due Tuesday!!
but I know it is because they care about me. I would probably feel worse if they didn't notice when I go MIA.
God, as I get older, I see the people around me with so much hurt in them. It makes them scared, defensive, stoic, and all sorts of things. It changes us when we are hurt, and we don't mean for it to. I just ask that you help us all to heal. I ask that you take care of us and remind us that there are good people out there who do believe in us and won't hurt us. Through Jesus Christ, I ask this, Amen.
I think Muhammed is coming over in the morning. I told him I would pose for some pictures for his photography class. I also have to put my final portfolio together for class. I kicked butt in my first class at UNCC, yeh! Next week will be a little bit of a break before the next class starts.
Kenny flies in tomorrow at 4 PM. I am excited to see him. We talk often. I like hearing about his life. He is currently dating someone so we have been talking about that a lot. We will probably go somewhere nice on Saturday night then to church on Sunday. It would be cool to take a day trip to the mountains. Claude and one of his friends are also coming into town. They are going to crash here but pretty much do their own thing.
Ugh, I have to take care of some things this weekend. I can't forget:
1) Mail Jeanne her shoes
2) Call Mr. Matthews back
3) Make plans to get new license plate
4) Research health insurance coverage
5) Deposit checks
6) Clean litter box
7) Put together portfolio
8) Something else that I already forgot
I am spread a little thin right now, but things are going well. I have friends who care about me. They give me a hard time when I disappear in the books or at work,
Oh yeah
8) Work on UNCC project - due Tuesday!!
but I know it is because they care about me. I would probably feel worse if they didn't notice when I go MIA.
God, as I get older, I see the people around me with so much hurt in them. It makes them scared, defensive, stoic, and all sorts of things. It changes us when we are hurt, and we don't mean for it to. I just ask that you help us all to heal. I ask that you take care of us and remind us that there are good people out there who do believe in us and won't hurt us. Through Jesus Christ, I ask this, Amen.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
Finished
12:03 AM. My presentation and paper are finished. I had a banana split for dinner. Good night.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Yay
Okay, 23 1/2 hours before my class, I found the qualitative research article that I am going to analyze, write a paper on, and present! I'm not worried.
Anyway, what is with men? Do they really think that you don't want them to bother you when you are busy - even if it is to discuss something important? Or is it just a method of avoidance? Or apathy? I don't understand.
I got a coat rack in the mail today that I got off of eBay. I like it, but I am having trouble screwing the circle thingy to the leg thingies. God may have made humans in His image, but some things he left out. Jesus, I wish I were a carpenter!
Off to analyzing . . .
Anyway, what is with men? Do they really think that you don't want them to bother you when you are busy - even if it is to discuss something important? Or is it just a method of avoidance? Or apathy? I don't understand.
I got a coat rack in the mail today that I got off of eBay. I like it, but I am having trouble screwing the circle thingy to the leg thingies. God may have made humans in His image, but some things he left out. Jesus, I wish I were a carpenter!
Off to analyzing . . .
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I Love Juicy Juice
I actually came to the end of a thing of dental floss. That rarely happens. I am very sleepy tonight. I need to find an article to write a paper and come up with a presentation for Thursday. Ugh.
Joel called today; he had his cell phone reactivated since he is back from Afghanistan. It was good to hear his voice. I bet he is really nervous that the four years in the military are coming to an end.
One thing I have realized about myself is that I like change. I like looking forward to something new happening.
Yeah, I am not really coming up with much to write tonight.
Sweet dreams,
Pam
Joel called today; he had his cell phone reactivated since he is back from Afghanistan. It was good to hear his voice. I bet he is really nervous that the four years in the military are coming to an end.
One thing I have realized about myself is that I like change. I like looking forward to something new happening.
Yeah, I am not really coming up with much to write tonight.
Sweet dreams,
Pam
Monday, June 20, 2005
Non-Stop
I woke up this morning and went to work. I stayed up way too late last night. I had a bit of a tif with someone at work, but nothing that is a big deal. I came home. Su came over, and we worked on our project. Meanwhile, my phone was ringing off the hook. By the time we were done with our work, I had 6 voicemail. Pete, Kass, Jess, Kirk, Darryl, and I went to Rock Bottom and hung out for a while. I told them that they won't see me again until Thursday night. I have a paper to write tomorrow and the next day.
I am very sleepy and about to go to bed. I can't wait to cuddle with the kitties. I have another busy day tomorrow.
Hugs,
Pam
I am very sleepy and about to go to bed. I can't wait to cuddle with the kitties. I have another busy day tomorrow.
Hugs,
Pam
Banana Split
I had a banana split for dinner today. Muhammed and Pete came over bearing ice cream. We sat and chatted for a little while. There are so many awesome people in this world. I need to make more time in my life so I can just treasure them.
I am up past my bedtime. I just wanted to say good night. Weekends are way too short.
Joel is back in Hawaii now. I missed his phone call today. I am glad that he is back in the states though.
Kenny is flying in on Friday night.
My class is over after this week. I have one more presentation to do along with a paper. I am going to spend Wednesday night working on that. I need to decide what I am going to do about work soon.
I am up past my bedtime. I just wanted to say good night. Weekends are way too short.
Joel is back in Hawaii now. I missed his phone call today. I am glad that he is back in the states though.
Kenny is flying in on Friday night.
My class is over after this week. I have one more presentation to do along with a paper. I am going to spend Wednesday night working on that. I need to decide what I am going to do about work soon.
Saturday, June 18, 2005
Don't Even Know Who I am
"That which we obtain too lightly, we esteem too cheap."
I don't believe that self-confidence exists. I mean, if someone who has nothing going for him can be confident while someone who has everything going for them can hate themselves, it doesn't make any sense. It has no correlation to actually how good or bad someone actually is. I think we all try to find ways to justify ourselves, to prove we are better than at least someone else.
How come everything God teaches us is contrary to what this world teaches us? Instead of seeing ourselves as the worst sinner there is, we can always point fingers to say that person is worse than us? How come instead of building people up, we feel the need to tell them how they could be better? Couldn't we all be better?
I am taking a class with a bunch of teachers, and they keep saying over and over again how the research says the most effective teachers are the ones who praise their children. They are the ones who make a difference. How often do we believe in ourselves enough to praise someone else. I was raised in an environment where everyone is trying to improve you instead of just loving you. I know that I have some of that in me myself. I don't want to be like that. I know that I am not a good enough person to have someone tell me what is wrong with me without trying to point out something that is wrong with them. We all get so defensive.
But how do you turn it all around by yourself? I mean, if you are the first person to admit your faults, a lot of times the other person is just the first to agree with you. How do you just focus on the positive thing about one another? How do you get two or more people to do that at once?
I don't want to change the world. I just want to change my personal interactions with others. I am not the bigger or better person. I am just me.
I don't believe that self-confidence exists. I mean, if someone who has nothing going for him can be confident while someone who has everything going for them can hate themselves, it doesn't make any sense. It has no correlation to actually how good or bad someone actually is. I think we all try to find ways to justify ourselves, to prove we are better than at least someone else.
How come everything God teaches us is contrary to what this world teaches us? Instead of seeing ourselves as the worst sinner there is, we can always point fingers to say that person is worse than us? How come instead of building people up, we feel the need to tell them how they could be better? Couldn't we all be better?
I am taking a class with a bunch of teachers, and they keep saying over and over again how the research says the most effective teachers are the ones who praise their children. They are the ones who make a difference. How often do we believe in ourselves enough to praise someone else. I was raised in an environment where everyone is trying to improve you instead of just loving you. I know that I have some of that in me myself. I don't want to be like that. I know that I am not a good enough person to have someone tell me what is wrong with me without trying to point out something that is wrong with them. We all get so defensive.
But how do you turn it all around by yourself? I mean, if you are the first person to admit your faults, a lot of times the other person is just the first to agree with you. How do you just focus on the positive thing about one another? How do you get two or more people to do that at once?
I don't want to change the world. I just want to change my personal interactions with others. I am not the bigger or better person. I am just me.
Friday, June 17, 2005
Friday Night
Friday nights have turned into my time to vege with the cats. This week was pretty hectic. I am glad that my back is feeling better. I have another chiropractor's appointment next week. I had a laser hair removal treatment this past Thursday. I am excited. As some of you out there may know, I am not the best at remembering to shave all the time.
I am getting an oil change for my car tomorrow. I am also getting together with some friends for a pot luck BBQ. That should be fun. I haven't had much time to be social the past two weeks.
I watched the Wedding Singer on TV tonight. That is one of my favorite movies. I have bought the sound tracks about three times, but they always seem to end up with my ex-boyfriends. Erg.
Kenny is going to come visit next weekend. I am excited to see him. I remember we had gone through some rocky times when I thought I would lose his friendship, but I think we have become closer since then. It is nice to have someone to talk to. I think it helps him to talk to me about things too. He just met a girl I think he really likes, so I am happy for him.
My Qualitative Research Methods class is almost over. I have two more papers and a presentation to go.
Well, I am being boring today, so I guess I will get to bed - or couch. I think couch tonight.
I am getting an oil change for my car tomorrow. I am also getting together with some friends for a pot luck BBQ. That should be fun. I haven't had much time to be social the past two weeks.
I watched the Wedding Singer on TV tonight. That is one of my favorite movies. I have bought the sound tracks about three times, but they always seem to end up with my ex-boyfriends. Erg.
Kenny is going to come visit next weekend. I am excited to see him. I remember we had gone through some rocky times when I thought I would lose his friendship, but I think we have become closer since then. It is nice to have someone to talk to. I think it helps him to talk to me about things too. He just met a girl I think he really likes, so I am happy for him.
My Qualitative Research Methods class is almost over. I have two more papers and a presentation to go.
Well, I am being boring today, so I guess I will get to bed - or couch. I think couch tonight.
Thursday, June 16, 2005
Thursday Working from Home
Here is my current schedule:
M: work 8:30 AM - 5:30 PM
T: work from home 8 AM - 3:30 PM, UNCC project 3:30 PM - 4:30 PM, class 5 PM - 8 PM
W: work 8:30 AM - 3 PM
R: work from home 8 AM - 3:30 PM, class 5 PM - 8 PM
F: work 8:30 AM - 5:30 PM
Anyway, that is what has been keeping me busy. I sold my old phone on eBay under Kim's account. I got $175 for it which is $100 more than I would have gotten from Sprint, so I am happy.
Right now, I am multitasking. It takes a while for the code to compile and run so I get a little bored waiting. I was up past 1 AM this morning writing an analysis of an interview for my qualitative research class. The paper isn't great; there is a lot more I could do. However, I just didn't have the time.
Cats are fed. I am sleepy. Back to work.
M: work 8:30 AM - 5:30 PM
T: work from home 8 AM - 3:30 PM, UNCC project 3:30 PM - 4:30 PM, class 5 PM - 8 PM
W: work 8:30 AM - 3 PM
R: work from home 8 AM - 3:30 PM, class 5 PM - 8 PM
F: work 8:30 AM - 5:30 PM
Anyway, that is what has been keeping me busy. I sold my old phone on eBay under Kim's account. I got $175 for it which is $100 more than I would have gotten from Sprint, so I am happy.
Right now, I am multitasking. It takes a while for the code to compile and run so I get a little bored waiting. I was up past 1 AM this morning writing an analysis of an interview for my qualitative research class. The paper isn't great; there is a lot more I could do. However, I just didn't have the time.
Cats are fed. I am sleepy. Back to work.
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Another One Bites the Dust
I am home in between work and school. I have to transcribe the rest of an interview tonight. I am hoping my teacher postpones our paper from being due tomorrow to next time we meet (Tuesday). I have too much to do right now.
I am a little down today. I miss hanging out with people I know whjo love me for who I am. I have some good friends here, but I haven't known any of them for very long. For instance, I know that Kenny thinks I am wonderful the way I am. So does Joel and Dave and Lizzy. Over the years, you tend to cherish the friends who have stuck around more and more.
I better get ready for class.
Hugs,
Pam
I am a little down today. I miss hanging out with people I know whjo love me for who I am. I have some good friends here, but I haven't known any of them for very long. For instance, I know that Kenny thinks I am wonderful the way I am. So does Joel and Dave and Lizzy. Over the years, you tend to cherish the friends who have stuck around more and more.
I better get ready for class.
Hugs,
Pam
Monday, June 13, 2005
Hermit the Pam
Some of my friends here have officially renamed me as the "hermit." I have been so busy with work, school, and other stuff that it has been hard to make time to get out. Oh, and the few days of being knocked out by pain medicine weren't very productive for me.
I think I am seeing someone. That sounds really weird. I am not going to say anything for certain because I want to see how things go. However, I felt I needed to mention it because that has been on my mind for the last week or so.
I am working from home tomorrow, so I am being a little bummy about getting everything ready for class tomorrow. I will be able to take care of it during lunch.
Sleepy, g'night.
I think I am seeing someone. That sounds really weird. I am not going to say anything for certain because I want to see how things go. However, I felt I needed to mention it because that has been on my mind for the last week or so.
I am working from home tomorrow, so I am being a little bummy about getting everything ready for class tomorrow. I will be able to take care of it during lunch.
Sleepy, g'night.
Saturday, June 11, 2005
Tummy Ache
I just came back from Carrabba's and a movie. I went to see Madagascar. It was pretty funny. I enjoyed that they thre in dialogue that included the words "monochromatic" and "quadropod." However, it is late now, and I am getting sleepy. I have quite a bit to do tomorrow so I think I will get to bed and wake up early. I haven't made it to church for a few weeks, so I am going to make a point of going this time.
Jason came over last night, and we rented some movies. I really didn't feel up to going out. We watched Troy which was pretty good. We had dinner at this Chinese restaurant down the street called the House of Leng. Somehow I got stuck with all the leftovers!
I wrote a paper for class today and also did a last minute interview. We have to interview someone for 30 minutes and write a paper about emerging themes. I picked my friend Muhammed because he loves to talk and has had a very interesting life. In fact, I think the interview actually ended up being about 45 minutes long.
My house is clean, and the luandry is done. There seems to be two bottlenecks in my system 1) Getting the clothes from the washer to the dryer and 2) Folding the clothes once they come out of the dryer. One results in smelly clothes, and the other produces wrinkled clothes. I think I prefer wrinkled over smelly.
I am maxed out with furniture in my living room. I really want to get to painting the walls soon. I think I found good colors for my room, but I am still debating about the livingroom.
I don't like on-line dating. There are too many guys. I can't date all of them. I meet people, and they seem nice, but it is too hard to keep in touch sometimes. I am really busy right now, so I am looking for something that just works. Not sure if I explained that right. I don't want to travel long distance to be with someone. I don't want someone to push me into something I am not ready for. I don't want to feel like I have to call or write someone back. I just don't want to feel stressed or pressured. Not exactly sure what I am trying to get at here.
I am axious to start fall classes because I think it will give me a better idea of the next few years. The class I am taking now isn't required for my PhD. I am actually the only IT person in the class. I didn't realize how analytical I have become since I usually hang out with pretty analytical people. Get me in a room full of elementary and middle school teachers, and I am a fish out of water. It is interesting though.
Must get some sleep. Until later.
PS - Dave, I miss you! Sorry I have been a bum and haven't called you lately. Yeah, I did have to go to the doctor about my back, but I am feeling better now. I think I need to bring a pillow in to work with me.
Hugs,
Pam
Jason came over last night, and we rented some movies. I really didn't feel up to going out. We watched Troy which was pretty good. We had dinner at this Chinese restaurant down the street called the House of Leng. Somehow I got stuck with all the leftovers!
I wrote a paper for class today and also did a last minute interview. We have to interview someone for 30 minutes and write a paper about emerging themes. I picked my friend Muhammed because he loves to talk and has had a very interesting life. In fact, I think the interview actually ended up being about 45 minutes long.
My house is clean, and the luandry is done. There seems to be two bottlenecks in my system 1) Getting the clothes from the washer to the dryer and 2) Folding the clothes once they come out of the dryer. One results in smelly clothes, and the other produces wrinkled clothes. I think I prefer wrinkled over smelly.
I am maxed out with furniture in my living room. I really want to get to painting the walls soon. I think I found good colors for my room, but I am still debating about the livingroom.
I don't like on-line dating. There are too many guys. I can't date all of them. I meet people, and they seem nice, but it is too hard to keep in touch sometimes. I am really busy right now, so I am looking for something that just works. Not sure if I explained that right. I don't want to travel long distance to be with someone. I don't want someone to push me into something I am not ready for. I don't want to feel like I have to call or write someone back. I just don't want to feel stressed or pressured. Not exactly sure what I am trying to get at here.
I am axious to start fall classes because I think it will give me a better idea of the next few years. The class I am taking now isn't required for my PhD. I am actually the only IT person in the class. I didn't realize how analytical I have become since I usually hang out with pretty analytical people. Get me in a room full of elementary and middle school teachers, and I am a fish out of water. It is interesting though.
Must get some sleep. Until later.
PS - Dave, I miss you! Sorry I have been a bum and haven't called you lately. Yeah, I did have to go to the doctor about my back, but I am feeling better now. I think I need to bring a pillow in to work with me.
Hugs,
Pam
Thursday, June 09, 2005
I'm Broken
The day before yesterday, my back really started to bother me. Shooting sharp pains down my back and everything. I stayed home from work/school yesterday. I am going to work from home some today. I have pain killers and muscle relaxers so I am kinda groggy. It has been nice to take it easy, but I still have a lot of things that need to get done.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
I Love Chocum Milk
I am really not in the mood to do work today. Sigh. I have almost decided to do the TAship instead of working part time in the fall. I know that it would pay half as much, but I also think that it would give me more time. Time is the most precious thing right now. I am young, and I need to enjoy my life. I have worked hard my whole life. Working hard doesn't make you happy. It is still hard to give up something that I like and feel is a formidable thing to do.
It was kind of weird how Tony's last posts were kind of reflective and a little sad. I read Kim and Tony's blog, and sometimes it makes me sad. I read about all the things they are exploring together. It isn't like this lone trip that I am partaking. I guess everyone has their ups and downs.
I need to plan for my week so I can make sure to get everything done in a reasonable fashion.
I posted some pictures of Kassie and I on my Yahoo photo albums.
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/pamela_j_karr/my_photos
It was kind of weird how Tony's last posts were kind of reflective and a little sad. I read Kim and Tony's blog, and sometimes it makes me sad. I read about all the things they are exploring together. It isn't like this lone trip that I am partaking. I guess everyone has their ups and downs.
I need to plan for my week so I can make sure to get everything done in a reasonable fashion.
I posted some pictures of Kassie and I on my Yahoo photo albums.
http://pg.photos.yahoo.com/ph/pamela_j_karr/my_photos
Saturday, June 04, 2005
The chair doesn't match
But, it is very comfy. It looks huge, but maybe if I cover it to match my motif, it won't be so bad.
Kevin helped me pick up the chair today. We went to Red Brick Pizza for lunch. Then we went hiking at Lake Norman. I met him on a roommate matching site when I first moved up here. He is a nice guy. He is a 28 year old Arhitect who graduated from Virginia Tech. He put up with me all day today, so that says a lot for him!!
I want to go to church tomorrow, but I need to prepare a presentation and write a paper. I am thinking I will have to skip it because it is already 11 PM. I am going to play catch up this week and hopefully get back on track.
Mr. Matthews and Mr. Ferguson, two older gentlemen in my neighborhood, stopped by today to check on me today. I think I have been adopted as the young, single girl in the neighborhood.
I better get to bed so I can get everything done tomorrow.
Kevin helped me pick up the chair today. We went to Red Brick Pizza for lunch. Then we went hiking at Lake Norman. I met him on a roommate matching site when I first moved up here. He is a nice guy. He is a 28 year old Arhitect who graduated from Virginia Tech. He put up with me all day today, so that says a lot for him!!
I want to go to church tomorrow, but I need to prepare a presentation and write a paper. I am thinking I will have to skip it because it is already 11 PM. I am going to play catch up this week and hopefully get back on track.
Mr. Matthews and Mr. Ferguson, two older gentlemen in my neighborhood, stopped by today to check on me today. I think I have been adopted as the young, single girl in the neighborhood.
I better get to bed so I can get everything done tomorrow.
So Much But So Little
I put an ad up on Yahoo Personals a few weeks ago. So I was looking at the billing information trying to figure out how to cancel the recurring billing. I looked at my payment history. I had signed up for the service once before, but it jolted me when I saw the billing date. My credit card was charged the first time on 5/17/03. The second time, it was charged on 5/18/05. Shear coincidence, but it made me realize so much has happened . . . and not happened in the last two years.
I feel like one of those people who are always held to a higher standard. If I screw up, it never goes unnoticed. If I make a mistake, I don't get a second chance to make things right. So it creates this huge stress of having to be perfect all the time which makes me even more flawed. Sometimes when you are trying to prove to people you aren't something, you almost become that because you are afraid they are right.
Jessica, Kassie, and I went to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was a really good movie, and all three of us ended up crying. Chick flick.
I don't want anyone but Sean. I know he is probably with someone else right now. I know he didn't treat me right in the end. I know God made things happen the way they did for a reason. But it is still hard when I have nightmares about Sean probably at least once a week. I had gotten to the point where I believed that we were really going to spend our lives together. And I was happy. It is hard to forget that.
God knows I am trying to move on. I have always been great at moving on. Pam always finds a new boyfriend. I mean, it might not have always been the best situation, but it never failed that I could at least love someone even if I wasn't in love. It is different this time. So to me, that means that it must mean something. I just don't know what.
It probably isn't wise for me to write all this personal stuff and display it on-line. I am going to scare off all the guys I meet when they read this. :-) Whatever. One of the things I love about myself is that I am always me. I can't hide it and can't be anything but real.
Sometimes I think people think I am crazy because I express my emotions. We have all been a mess at one point in our lives. I just happen to admit it! However, the norm is to hide it. Stoic. I will never be stoic. I talked to a counselor once who said the people who are treating like there is something wrong with them and are open to examining themselves can often be the biggest messes but also the most sane of the bunch. I think it is healthy to admit when you are scared, sad, angry, stressed, happy, or whatever. Sometimes I don't have an answer. Sometimes I need to ask for help. Sometimes I forget to believe in myself and try to listen to others instead of being true to myself. Now that is when I have the most trouble! It isn't because they have bad advice, but it is because they simply aren't me. I have to be me because when I try to be something else, I will always fail.
I know that I say it is hard for me to trust people, but maybe that is a misconception. I think I might trust everyone. I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe that John really meant when he said he was sorry and that he loved me in the right way. I want to believe that there is hope for salvation of this world. I want to believe that there will always be someone to turn to in times of need. I want to believe that all my ex-boyfriends speak well of me and think about me on occasion. I want to believe that everyone cares as much as I do. I can't believe anything else. I won't believe that evil has consumed this world. I won't believe that anyone is truly apathetic. I won't believe that anyone of us is excluded from redemption.
I hate when I am told that I am idealistic. If more people were idealistic, then maybe it would be realistic instead. True love only exists when you believe in it. Change can only occur when you make it. If more people refused to settle then maybe we would all be better off.
Please God, show me the good in this world. I am reminded every day of the bad. Please make everything right in the end. We all suffer in so many ways. Please take away the hurt and replace it with love, hope, and joy. We cannot do it on our own. Through Jesus, Amen.
I feel like one of those people who are always held to a higher standard. If I screw up, it never goes unnoticed. If I make a mistake, I don't get a second chance to make things right. So it creates this huge stress of having to be perfect all the time which makes me even more flawed. Sometimes when you are trying to prove to people you aren't something, you almost become that because you are afraid they are right.
Jessica, Kassie, and I went to see the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants. It was a really good movie, and all three of us ended up crying. Chick flick.
I don't want anyone but Sean. I know he is probably with someone else right now. I know he didn't treat me right in the end. I know God made things happen the way they did for a reason. But it is still hard when I have nightmares about Sean probably at least once a week. I had gotten to the point where I believed that we were really going to spend our lives together. And I was happy. It is hard to forget that.
God knows I am trying to move on. I have always been great at moving on. Pam always finds a new boyfriend. I mean, it might not have always been the best situation, but it never failed that I could at least love someone even if I wasn't in love. It is different this time. So to me, that means that it must mean something. I just don't know what.
It probably isn't wise for me to write all this personal stuff and display it on-line. I am going to scare off all the guys I meet when they read this. :-) Whatever. One of the things I love about myself is that I am always me. I can't hide it and can't be anything but real.
Sometimes I think people think I am crazy because I express my emotions. We have all been a mess at one point in our lives. I just happen to admit it! However, the norm is to hide it. Stoic. I will never be stoic. I talked to a counselor once who said the people who are treating like there is something wrong with them and are open to examining themselves can often be the biggest messes but also the most sane of the bunch. I think it is healthy to admit when you are scared, sad, angry, stressed, happy, or whatever. Sometimes I don't have an answer. Sometimes I need to ask for help. Sometimes I forget to believe in myself and try to listen to others instead of being true to myself. Now that is when I have the most trouble! It isn't because they have bad advice, but it is because they simply aren't me. I have to be me because when I try to be something else, I will always fail.
I know that I say it is hard for me to trust people, but maybe that is a misconception. I think I might trust everyone. I want to believe in the good in people. I want to believe that John really meant when he said he was sorry and that he loved me in the right way. I want to believe that there is hope for salvation of this world. I want to believe that there will always be someone to turn to in times of need. I want to believe that all my ex-boyfriends speak well of me and think about me on occasion. I want to believe that everyone cares as much as I do. I can't believe anything else. I won't believe that evil has consumed this world. I won't believe that anyone is truly apathetic. I won't believe that anyone of us is excluded from redemption.
I hate when I am told that I am idealistic. If more people were idealistic, then maybe it would be realistic instead. True love only exists when you believe in it. Change can only occur when you make it. If more people refused to settle then maybe we would all be better off.
Please God, show me the good in this world. I am reminded every day of the bad. Please make everything right in the end. We all suffer in so many ways. Please take away the hurt and replace it with love, hope, and joy. We cannot do it on our own. Through Jesus, Amen.
Thursday, June 02, 2005
Shore Acres Update
Hi Pam,God Bless, Haven't forgotten you, but the computer as a whole has suffered neglect!.
Bringing you up to date on the neighborhood human landscape which has changed almost as much as the physical landscape. We are still at Bayou Grande; building materials slowdown. Stephanie sold her house and is across with Dale. Your house is history as is the one next door to us which you may have witnessed before you departed. Our house closes next Wed., June 8th. Will be renters for a SHORT while, I trust. The people next door to me are gone as are the people next door to them. The house three down, and on it goes has changed hands for a couple of guys, ugh to live there while their new house is being built. You have heard of the game of musical chairs, This is the game of Musical Houses! What is transpiring in your life right now! Did you find a church group you like to fellowship with?
Mary
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